Running free

I awoke this morning doing what I usually do: Reaching my hand out to touch my love.  But her side of the bed was empty. She was already up, telling me later that she had some bad dreams that drove her to shake the sleep off and get a cup of tea before dawn.

So I lay there in the darkness, listening to the sound of rain and thinking about how empty my life would be without her.  If she were not in another room, but gone.  Morbid stuff that seems to have been on my mind a lot lately, ebbing with the sun but flooding back in when I think about so many who have left.

And inevitably my thoughts go to my cousin, my closest blood relative, who is lying in a hospital in Richmond, diminished to being as close to death as one can be, but being kept alive because his wife can't bear the thought of life without him.  His body now has bed sores, his swallowing ability gone, his colon blocked, his breaths controlled by a ventilator, and his nourishment coming from glucose dripping into his deflated veins.

I listen to her telling me that he is a great teacher who can choose to get better.  He comes from the direct line of Jesus. The doctors are wrong because he doesn't have brain cancer. His mother has invaded his body with her evil spirit and is trying to keep him sick.  And she refuses to let him go because she is selfish and can't imagine life without him. If he dies, she says, then the last eight years she has cared for him will be for nothing.  She tells me that she has a plan for herself if he decides to leave his body and not return.

It takes every effort that I have to not tell her that she is insane, crazy with co-dependence, and torturing this man who I grew up with, ran with, joked with and shared adventures with for so many years.  I am a coward for not telling her my truth.  But a voice within whispers that this isn't up to me.  This is not my business or my fight.  Yes, he has an advance health care directive that she is ignoring.  Yes, he is in a hospital with doctors and nurses all around him.  And, yes,  death with come eventually when the cancer causes his brain to short circuit and his heart shuts down.

In the meantime, I look up the numbers for social services at the hospital, and the statute covering advance health care directives in Virginia.  My mind seesaws between thoughts of him lying near death wasting away and minding my own business.  I choose the latter because I know that once I go down the path to interfere,  I will have started a shit storm that will lead to....where?

Meanwhile, another day starts for me.  And another one starts for him.  We are 480 miles apart, but I can see him in my mind-- not sick, frail and with sores, but barefoot and running with me.  I hope that happens soon.  I feel it can't happen soon enough.

Staying or going?

Every time I read a blog post about how bad a living situation is and how much they hate their alcoholic spouse,  I feel this rush of anger and want to write: "Get help or get out".  It takes a few moments before I remember that I was one of those who felt trapped, lost and hopeless.  I stayed for years in the unmanageability of the disease.

There are as many scenarios for staying as there are for leaving.  We stay in so much pain because we don't feel that we deserve anything better.  And the pain we know is better than the pain that we aren't familiar with in the world away from alcoholism.  Staying is sometimes about hope--hoping for the one we love to get sober and be the person that we thought they once were.  Staying can be about fear--fear that things won't really be any different when we leave, knowing that the grass isn't always greener.  Fear of financial insecurity is another reason to stay--not having a place to go or any means to afford a separate life.  Staying can also be about commitment--not wanting to give up on a marriage or relationship even in the face of emotional and sometimes physical pain.

Leaving goes against the psyche of a co-dependent.  But at some point, people reach a limit to what they can stand.  If there are children involved, then a whole other dimension of complexity is added.  Remembering that alcoholism affects the entire family means that there will be repercussions for the children who are raised in an alcoholic home.  Those repercussions will echo throughout the lives of those affected by alcoholism.  Whether there is physical or emotional abuse, it is especially hard on children who stay in an alcoholic home.

Sticking with the pain is something that is foreign to me today.  I have seen the other side where there is joy and peace.  But I do understand the reasons for staying.  I am glad that we didn't give up on each other before the miracle of recovery happened.

What were your choices when it came to staying or going?

Choices are the hinges of destiny. ~ Pythagoras 

Feelings sometimes feel like facts

I hear the statement that feelings aren't facts at meetings frequently.  But as was shared in the meeting last night: “Feelings aren’t facts, but it’s a fact that I’m having my feelings”.  And that surely is okay because for so long emotions are often repressed around alcoholics.  They are repressed until they boil over in anger and resentment.  So feelings are a good thing.

But where does the phrase "Feelings aren't facts" come in?  To me this means that some of my thoughts are really fabricated projections and aren't based on reality.  It is easy for me to relapse into the old way of thinking that involves blame, judgment, obsession, and even dislike. My thoughts can either be ones that are distorted, based on unfounded assumptions and negative projections or they can be ones that bring me pleasure, comfort, peace, and acceptance.

The feelings that I have had which were counter-productive to recovery were those in which I blame myself for what I perceive as a slight by another: "If only I had said something different, the person would like me."  And usually if I stay in that frame of mind long enough, I get around to twisting those thoughts of blaming into having angry thoughts about others:  "I don't deserve to be treated this way.  This person is a royal pain."

I have to smile at these little internal rants that so quickly can take over if I am not careful.  And these can occur whether I actually know the person or not.  It may be a perceived snub from someone on line.  Or it may be someone I know who was busy and didn't say Hello.   These thoughts happen instantaneously based on the old fears of abandonment, rejection, and criticism that happened in the past, mostly in my family of origin.  It is the child within raging against all kinds of perceived slights.

So when these unhealthy and negative thoughts come up,  I take time to sit with them and look at them from an adult perspective.  Are these thoughts really true or are they some dregs from the past that can poison my present?

What I have learned in Al-Anon is to speak my true thoughts to myself.  I see if they are real, based on the facts in front of me.  If they are just something that I have invented based on the old painful stuff from the past,  then I need to look hard at whether I want to believe that these emotions fit the current situation.

I don't want to live in emotional drama in which my thoughts are based on hating others or myself.  I believe that I have a choice about what thoughts to accept as true and which ones are fueled by my past experiences that go all the way back to childhood.  I am glad to realize that not every thought that comes into my head today is valid.  Not everyone is out to get me or be a jerk.  In fact, I think the opposite of that by thinking that most people are truly good and well-intentioned.  If I take the time to think clearly without reacting,  I get along with my fellows better, am more mature in my outlook, and see other points of view that I might not have even considered.

Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings - always darker, emptier and simpler. ~F. Nietzsche

A review of the "Codependent No More Workbook"

I was eager to read the latest book, Codependent No more Workbook: Exercises for Learning to Stop Controlling Others and Start Taking Care of Yourself by noted recovery author Melody Beattie.  Her ground breaking book, Codependent No More, was one that I read and re-read during my first year in Al-Anon.  I realized that my obsession with the alcoholics in my life was causing me a great deal of unhappiness and anxiety.  I was seeking to find out who I really was since my identity for so long had been enmeshed with others and their well being.  I got comfort from knowing that there was a solution to what I was feeling.

I learned from reading Melody Beattie that codependency is an adaptive but sick behavior.  The behaviors that are adopted from living around alcoholism are self-defeating and hurtful.  We learn not to feel, not to express our opinions, and not to trust.  As noted in the Workbook, "Most people with codependency issues feel genuinely unlovable. They attach themselves to people by caretaking, hoping to become indispensable instead." It is only if we are lucky enough to get to such a low point that we are isolated, feel unloved and alone, then there is a chance that we will seek help through a 12 step program such as Al-Anon, Co-Dependents Anonymous,  or ACOA.

And that is where the Workbook is so helpful.  The 12 steps of Co-Dependents Anonymous and how to work the steps form the "lessons" in the book.  Ms Beattie goes through each of the steps, providing examples of codependent behavior and how to use each step in recovery.  For example, in the lesson on Step One (We admitted we were powerless over others--that our lives had become unmanageable), she explains that control is a reaction to loss, that unmanageability doesn't have to define our lives and detachment is a powerful tool in recovery.

For those of us who are in 12 step recovery programs, this book provides a good review of the steps. But what I found most interesting were the numerous activities suggested for each step that will provide additional insight into your own recovery.  As I was reading the Workbook, I could see many opportunities to use the information when working with those I sponsor in Al-Anon.  I thought that the activities were particularly helpful for Step Three (Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God) which is often a hard step to grasp.  For example, she asks: "Who's creating the plan for your life? Before being exposed to the Third Step, did you think about who had control of your life and will?....Do you believe someone should take care of you because you take care of him or her? Or do you know that you can gently, lovingly, but with discipline when necessary, take care of yourself?"  I think that the activities would be a supplement to those that are provided through Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. 

There were a few points in the book that I questioned.  One was the idea of setting up an appointment to work Step Five (Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs) before beginning work on Step Four (Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves).  The fourth step in Al-Anon takes quite a while.  For me, it took about four months to complete the Al-Anon workbook Blueprint for Progress and to do a fourth step adapted from AA's inventory sheets.  I think that being thorough is important in doing a fourth step, leaving nothing out.

I also found little emphasis on the importance of a sponsor in working the steps.  A mention in the Workbook on whether one would have to pay for a fifth step did not resonate well with me.  Perhaps that is a possibility if the fifth step is done with a therapist, but I had hoped that more emphasis would be placed on the importance of getting a good sponsor who will be more than willing to be a guide through the steps and gladly spend the time to do a thorough fifth step.  Instead, Ms. Beattie mentions that having a program member or sponsor listen to the fifth step could be "dangerous" because the person could relapse or otherwise break confidentiality more readily than a trained professional would.  This seems contradictory to developing trust which is important in recovery.

I found her list of emotions, beliefs, and codependent behaviors to be thorough.  These would be quite useful in considering character defects and harmful behaviors in Step Six (Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character).  Although Ms. Beattie recommends immediately doing Steps Six and Seven after the Fifth Step, my experience has shown that an exhaustive Fifth Step requires a time of quiet reflection after completion.  Yes, it is exhilarating but can also be filled with a lot of emotion.  I needed to rest after the several hours that it took for my fifth step. 

I don't know if the codependency ever completely goes away.  Likely this is something that I will struggle with at times for the rest of my life.  But it helps to be aware of the problem, to understand detachment and boundaries, and that over-functioning in relationships doesn't work.  My work on focusing on myself and finding out who I am continues.  I think that a major message from Ms. Beattie's Workbook is that working the steps is the solution.  She writes, "Treatment is good. Going to Twelve Step meetings and enjoying fellowship is helpful too. But I've seen people go to groups and only talk about their problems. If you're looking for long-term change, the kind that comes from the inside out, work the Steps. They're the heart of this program, and they're the work we do. Then when you go to meetings, you can talk about the solutions too."  That is what I believe too. And by focusing on the solutions, I can see though how far I have come in meeting my own needs.


Title: Codependent No More Workbook
Author: Melody Beattie
Pages: 182
Genre: Mental Health, Psychology
Publisher: Hazelden
Pub. Date: April 1, 2011 (2nd ed.)


Follow the rest of the tour for more thoughts:

Monday, April 11th: Guinevere Gets Sober 
Wednesday, April 13th: Take Me Away

Monday, April 18th: I’m Just F.I.N.E.–Recovery In Al-Anon

Thursday, April 28th: Books, Movies, and Chinese Food

Monday, May 2nd: A Room of Mama’s Own

Wednesday, May 4th: Bookshipper

Distorted thinking

I seem to be posting a lot of heavy stuff this week.  I do plan to lighten up for the weekend. Yesterday's post brought about some good comments.  I want to address one by Mary LA who wrote: "But what about the distorted thinking and voice of the codependent who is obsessed with that alcoholism? That makes me equally chilled. Those who don't want the alcoholic/addict to get better."

I think that co-dependency is something that starts at a very young age.  It probably starts with repression of feelings in which a child has to "walk on egg shells" around a dysfunctional family member.  For me, that was my dad.  My mother covered up and denied there was anything wrong. So there was really not much honesty in feelings or trust within the family.  Everything seemed to be "swept under the rug."

Consequently, the stress mounts and the child learns to be anxious.  And along with the stress and anxiety, some unhealthy ways of survival are learned.  One of those ways to survive is to deny one's own feelings.  So instead of basing self-worth on my own feelings and actions, I began to base my self-worth on the opinions, needs, and moods of the person I wanted to please.  In my case, it was my father. 

As Mary noted in her comment, the co-dependent person may actually feel more depressed and unhappy once the alcoholic is sober.  I think here of Lois who was so angry that Bill W. was attending AA meetings. She finally threw her shoe at him in a fit of rage and yelled, "Damn your old meetings." 

This type of crazy thinking, fueled by anger, was what got me into Al-Anon.  I knew that I was angry, empty, worn out, and emotionally bankrupt.  I was using very unhealthy thinking to relate to other people.  These included:

Denial--I deny my own needs and feelings at the expense of others.  I don't know what I feel and can change or minimize my feelings in an instant.  I can be who you want me to be.   

Low Self Esteem-- What you think of me is more important than what I think of myself.  I don't feel worthwhile or lovable.  I am afraid to say what I want to do because it may not be what you want. I judge myself fiercely and come up short.  I feel undeserving of compliments and nice gestures. I give sex when looking for love.  I am loyal to the point that I stay in destructive relationships.  I don't assert my own values because I want to avoid the anger and rejection of others.  I am overly sensitive to what others feel and adopt their mood as my own.

Control-- I resent it when my offers to help you are refused.  I use sex to get your acceptance and love. I offer suggestions and advice without being asked.  I have a need to feel needed before I can have a relationship. I go overboard with gifts and help for those I care about, thinking that the gift will extract a promise from you.  I think that others aren't capable of taking care of themselves.  I tell others how they should think and feel.  I offer suggestions and advice without being asked.

So the distorted thinking of the co-dependent in the relationship is very sick.  The behaviors that are adopted from living around alcoholism are self-defeating and hurtful.  We learn not to feel, not to express our opinions, and not to trust. It is only if we are lucky enough to get to such a low point that we are isolated, feel unloved and alone, then there is a chance that we will seek help through a 12 step program such as Al-Anon or ACOA.  If it hadn't been for my wife's alcoholism and my own sickness, as well as God's grace, I would still be a walking shell.  I am grateful to be where I am today--in recovery and still moving forward with a deepening understanding of myself and my Higher Power.

How could we be any more different?

I wrote this thinking about a particularly bad evening.  There were a lot of ugly insults hurled back and forth.  But in the end, I couldn't beat the alcoholic at her game.  I learned that alcoholism "victimizes the victims".  Yet, after a night of crazy thinking, I awoke to realize that there is a new day and a solution. 

I am slow to anger and you flail me with your angry words.


I can accept responsibility for my wrongs and you want me to be responsible for yours as well as mine.


I have let go of my resentments through an amends to you.  You throw your resentment back in my face over and over. And resent me because of something that you did.


I want there to be trust and honesty.  You keep secrets and hide so much from me.


I have wanted happiness and good times.  You say that I have made your life miserable for many years.


I have a hard time forgetting the harsh words said in anger.  You sleep peacefully and awake in the morning as if nothing has happened.


I am weary and tired of the charade.  It has taken its toll on my heart and my mental health.  I have decided that the best thing to do is to let you go your own way.  I don't want to have you pull me closer and then push me away.  I am not ready to give in to your truths that aren't really true at all.  I am not going to be a victim in order for you to feel good about yourself.

This is what I think alcoholism does.  It beats down the psyche if I let it. It has the ability to warp my reality if I come to believe the reality that you speak.  It can make me feel less than, smaller than, and sicker than any one else if I'm not careful.   I am looking for a solution and a Higher Power that is much stronger than you.  It is within me and it is something that you can't kill. 

We were failures at relationships--Part One

I went to my home group's meeting tonight and heard the story of one of the group members on her 3rd.  Al-Anon anniversary. She had a good story to tell.  And one of the things that I took away from it was how similar we were in that neither of us knew how to have a relationship with others. 

She had a good upbringing but with dysfunctional parents.  Over time, she had one failed relationship after another, mostly with alcoholics or addicts.  She had been let down by a lot of people and did her share of letting down as well.  Isn't this what we do?  We let ourselves down by accepting the behavior of the alcoholic that wasn't acceptable.  I used to believe that things would change just because I wished them to. That simply doesn't happen.  Things change when I take action for myself. 

In retrospect,  I don't think that I had much of clue about how to have a close relationship.  Instead I had a set of fantasies about how it all "should" be.  And when those unreal expectations weren't met,  I built up a lot of resentment.  In relationships with people, I either gave too much or too little. In either case, I was confused because my life and relationships weren't working.  I understood the pain of living for years with so much anger.  And I too confused hating the disease with intense feelings of dislike for the alcoholic.

I thought that I would put down some of the characteristics that I had which set me up for failing with other people in relationships and just plain living: 

1. I didn't know what a normal relationship was
2. I  judged myself and others harshly
3. I had difficulty just having fun--everything had an agenda
4. I took myself way too seriously and was overly responsible
5. I didn't like change or know how to deal with it
6. I sought approval and affirmations from others but not from myself
7. I wanted immediate gratification
8. I avoided conflict because I didn't know how to deal with it
9. I feared rejection and abandonment and would put up with a lot of stuff to avoid being rejected
10. I feared criticism and judgment of myself, but would not hesitate to criticize or judge others
11. I had a lot of misplaced loyalty

Eventually, when I had enough pain in my life, I found my way into Al-Anon.  I desperately needed balance.  I wanted to learn how to have a relationship that wasn't destructive, one that was  motivated by a true desire to give, with an underlying attitude of respect for others and for myself.  But I had to ask myself a lot of really tough questions in recovery: 

Am I giving because I want to or because I feel responsible to?
Am I feeling an obligation, guilt, shame or superior?
Am I afraid to say no?
Am I just wanting people to like me?
If I assist others, am I really enabling and thereby preventing others from facing their true responsibilities?
Am I giving because I want to and it feels right to me?

Tomorrow, I want to write about what my shortcomings did to perpetuate my failure at relating to others. And what I found to be a solution.

Thinking of others

One of the things that I hear a lot of alcoholics say is that they are selfish and think mostly about themselves.  And one of the things that I hear a lot of Al-Anons say, including me, is that we spent most of our time thinking about others instead of ourselves.  I think that this is the nature of co-dependency.

So the question then comes to mind: If one has spent most of a life time thinking about others, isn't that also a selfish act?  From what I understand now,  I was conditioned from a young age to think more about others.  I was told to not be selfish and to share.  That may have been okay when I was a child, but it set the stage for my dysfunctional behavior later in life.

I realize that by doing for others and thinking only of them,  I was actually being selfish.  I became wrapped up in self-pity and approval seeking.  I gave in hopes that others would love me.  I wanted others to think that I was doing for them, but I was actually more conscious of how I could get my emotional needs met by being around the other person. 

This is the sickness of co-dependency.  I had a need for acceptance and validation from others.  I can see after being in Al-Anon the selfishness of that behavior.  I know that some of those feelings of self-pity still surface.  But I can also say that most of what I do now is done because I want to freely give to someone else.  I truly care about other people and enjoy seeing their joy when I love without expectations.

I don't know if the codependency ever completely goes away.  Likely this is something that I will struggle with for the rest of my life.  But it helps to be aware of the problem, to understand detachment and boundaries, and that over-functioning in relationships doesn't work.  My work on focusing on myself and finding out who I am continues.  I can see though how far I have come in meeting my own needs.

These days the good deeds that are done for people are done for sheer joy. I don't see anything wrong about doing a good deed for others. After all, isn't the important thing that a good deed was done?

I'd like to read your thoughts on how you achieve balance in your relationships when it comes to giving and thinking of others.

How therapy helped

I've mentioned a few times on here that I went to therapy for a while.  Actually, I went to therapy on and off for over the course of ten years.  I knew that I wasn't really happy and was seeking a way to change my behavior.  So I got a recommendation from someone and went to see what I could do.

The first psychiatrist that I went to was a kind old gentleman, Dr. W.  But he didn't really probe much, and I never had a sense of any kind of satisfaction after our sessions.  It was as if he was skimming the surface but what I had was buried very deep. And I wanted to hide it. Interestingly enough, my mother was also seeing him for her depression.  He wasn't able to discern the depth of her mental illness though, did not prescribe any medications, so her depression worsened. One traumatic day, after she had a major depressive episode, I took her to the shrink on call.  He said that my mother needed to be hospitalized and  indicated severe "textbook" biological depression. I never made any more appointments with Dr. W. after that.

My next psychiatrist, Dr. D.,  was a tough fellow who didn't suffer fools gladly.  He was physically imposing. We were about the same height but he had me by a good 30 pounds. He had shaggy white hair and a white beard.  He liked to wear jeans and old sweaters. I remember the first sessions alone with him and how we would sit and stare at each other.  He was good at waiting me out.  I would cave, and when I did speak it seemed I wanted his approval.

He was definitely a father figure for me.  He could fix his eyes on me and know that I was faking a lot.  The group sessions were particularly difficult because I didn't want to talk at first in front of strangers.  But the more that I did, the better I got at not being afraid to speak. He taught me about asking for what I needed, rather than leaving it for the other person to intuit. I remember Dr. D. talking to me about how depleting it was to stuff my anger, how it was okay to let it flow in productive ways such as humor, fantasies, but not through acting it out.  He was the one who told me that I had choices when dealing with difficult people: I could try to "out crazy" them, or I could decide to "leave the field of battle".  He said that if I chose the former then I had best be prepared to spit my anger out in such a way that they would be crushed, and that would be at great emotional cost to me and the other person.  He thought that I would fully "graduate" when I could not flinch and look him in the eye and tell him to "go fuck yourself".  I finally did that, he laughed uproariously, and I felt better.....for a time.

After a number of years though, the same old me was still there and the lessons of humor, asking for what I needed, and choices about how to deal with my anger became a distant memory.  I was back to being simply miserable.  I started going to Dr. D's wife, Dr. D-S,  because Dr. D. had died a few years earlier.  She was a gentle woman who was very spiritual.  She was also seeing my wife in separate appointments.

I would talk to Dr. D-S.  about my emptiness, my feelings of dissatisfaction with myself and my marriage, and she would make some suggestions.  But I can't remember today what the take away message was--maybe just that I needed to try to communicate better with my wife, or that I needed to pursue some hobbies which I didn't really have at the time.  I know that many times I talked about my feelings around my wife's drinking. Dr. D-S.  actually thought that I might have PTSD as a result of living around alcoholism for much of my life. However, she never suggested that I go to Al-Anon.

While seeing Dr. D-S., a friend suggested that I needed to go to Al-Anon.  I talked with Dr. D-S. about it, and she seemed to think that it would be good for me.  My wife started going to AA at the same time. For some reason, Dr. D-S. became uncomfortable with seeing both of us in separate sessions and suggested that it might be better for me to seek help from her therapist.  (There is a bit of irony here).  So off I went to see Dr. H. 

Dr. H. is a psychologist.  She shared a lot of knowledge about alcoholism with me.  She had worked as a counselor at a rehab facility. She talked to me about co-dependency.  I learned that I had poor coping skills for dealing with conflict, anger, and anxiety (see diagram at left taken from Joe's blog Just for Today-Leveraging the Tools of Al-Anon).  We did some role playing so that I could begin to develop ways to take care of myself.  And she was the one who suggested that I develop hobbies and learn to entertain myself, rather than having expectations of others to do that with me or for me.  I really believe that I was at last beginning to comprehend (or at least hear) that I could not control what others did. 

As I got further into Al-Anon, I began to see that much of what I was hearing in meetings was similar to what Dr. H. was telling me.  And after a mutual agreement,  I decided that it was time for me to move away from therapy. 

In retrospect, I can see that therapy prepared me to more fully comprehend Al-Anon.  I was not afraid to share, to open up, to inventory my feelings, or to seek a guide (i.e. sponsor).  And for a minimal voluntary contribution at every meeting,  I have learned some of the best coping skills that anyone could offer--the 12 steps.

Please Listen to What I am Not Saying

At one of the meetings I attend, there is a Beginner's Meeting. Almost every week, there are 2-3 beginners that show up. I often lead the Beginner's Meeting. I think that it's important for them to get a chance to talk about why they are coming to Al-Anon and provide them with some basics about the program.

I think that it's important to share some of my experience, strength and hope with them. And to let them know that they are not alone in their feelings. So I found the following particularly profound. It reminded me of what it was like for me just before I understood surrender.

"Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear. For I wear a mask; I wear a thousand masks I am afraid to take off, and none of them are me.

I give you the impression that I am secure, that confidence is my name and coolness my game, that the waters are calm and I'm in command, and that I need no one. But don't believe me please.

My surface may seem smooth-- underneath I dwell in confusion, in fear, in fear of being found out. That's why I frantically create a mood to hide behind, a calm, sophisticated front to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is my salvation and I know it. It's the only thing that can assure me of acceptance and love. I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh. Laughter would kill me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game, with a front of "having it together," but a trembling child hides within. And so my life becomes a front. I chatter to you in a cool tone; I tell you everything that's nothing and nothing of what's everything and what's crying within me. So when I go into my routine do not be fooled by what I am saying. Please listen to what I am not saying.

I dislike the phony game I'm playing. I'd like to be real and spontaneous, and show you who I really am. You've got to hold out your hand even when it may seem to be the last thing I want, and need. Only you can awaken the aliveness within. Each time you're kind and gentle, and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings-- small wings, very feeble wings.

I want you to know how important you are to me, how you can be a creator of the person that is me if you choose to. But it will not be easy for you. A long time of feeling inferior builds strong walls.

The nearer you appraoch me, the harder I may strike back. It is irrational, but I am irrational. I fight against the very things I cry out for. But I am told that love is stronger than walls, and therein lies my hope. Please try and beat down those walls with firm but gentle hands-- for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I? You may wonder? I am someone you know very well, I am every new comer you meet."

From the book called "Stepping Stones To Recovery from Codependency" by Katie C and Deb M

Solitude or isolation?

GG wrote a great post on her blog G-Log about solitude versus isolation. She writes:
"To me, there’s a fine line between Isolation and Solitude. The isolation-part was and is very painful, where I'm expected to feel shame, resentment, of no-value as a part that doesn’t fit, nor wants to..... The solitude-part has always been wonderful and constantly grows in value and importance. The isolation part has to do with abandonment, betrayal, rejection, much fear, verbal self-abuse, self-loathing and bitter resentment."

I never thought about it as she described: the difference between solitude and isolation. I remember liking solitude when I was a kid. I could play, read, paint, and do any number of things for hours without feeling sad or lonely. I believe the solace of solitude left me as I matured and became more aware.

Somewhere along the way I began to feel that I didn't want to be alone--that there had to be someone there to share things with. This is probably when the co-dependency took root. I crossed the line from being happy with who I was to being melancholic and not in sync with myself. I believe that is when I began to isolate.

I don't know what brought about the transition from being at home with solitude to isolating. I have heard many alcoholics speak about how different they always felt, like they never fit in. Well, this Al-Anon felt that way early on in life. I learned to mask it well. I could be happy go lucky on the outside but inwardly I felt insecure around others, ashamed for friends to come over on the weekends, and wanted to hide what went on between me and my alcoholic wife. I truly isolated during those times.

I also know that I felt unhappy many times after I first met C. I began to attach far too much significance to her and much less to myself. And ultimately when I forgot who I was, I began to feel despair, self-pity, and isolation.

This joyless isolation was the behavior that I adopted as a result of the affect that alcoholism had on me. My life was dominated by the alcoholic drama. I couldn't count on myself or anyone else. I lost the idea that I had anything to offer because I was so caught up in what others were doing. There was no energy left over for me after the emotional drain of trying to fix the alcoholic or clean up their mess.

I think that my feeling "apart from" was an adaptation that I developed to distance myself from the crazy alcoholic relationships in my life. It was easier to beat up on myself and to build walls than to deal with the pain of living with alcoholism. I think that this is how I shut myself off from the "sunlight of the spirit".

I am grateful that I've learned to not shut myself off from God and being with people. Today I do those things that I enjoy. I don't want to isolate anymore. Instead, I can appreciate once again the solitude in which I write, meditate, play, and have a free spirit as I once did. And I can appreciate my own uniqueness. I have found who I am.

The 10:1 ratio

I've heard that for every alcoholic there are 10 family members and friends affected by alcoholism. I don't know if this is a true statistic or not, but it has made me wonder why aren't there more of "us" in the rooms of Al-Anon.

Here are some other statistics that I find interesting:

• Of the two thousand male patients at nine outpatient alcoholic clinics, four times as many marriages had been dissolved among them as normally would be expected.
  
• According to U. S. Department of Health and Human Services and SAMHSA’s (Substance Abuse & Mental Health Services Administration) National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Information, seventy six million American adults have been exposed to alcoholism in the family.
  
• Alcoholism is responsible for more family problems than any other single cause. One of every four families has problems with alcohol.

Statistics are just numbers. I work on statistics daily. But I also know the human side and understand that these numbers translate into shattered dreams, disturbed children, economic insecurity, and raw human suffering.

So when I look at the list of meetings, I see that there are many fewer Al-Anon meetings than AA meetings. I see that our rooms are seldom filled up. I wonder where are all those who are out there and what are they doing. Are they doing what I did--trying to go it alone, toughing it out, putting on a false face for the world, and then struggling to get through the night?

I've worked the phone lines for our Al-Anon district and talked to those who call in. They are desperate for help for the alcoholic. When I would suggest that they go to a meeting, some didn't think that they needed help. They wanted a solution to stop the alcoholic from drinking.

I also know that some families allow heavy drinking to continue in exchange for keeping the family together. Denial is something that alcoholics and family members have in common. But denial comes with a cost. It can trigger emotional problems in all concerned.

One of these problems is co-dependency. That is what I learned from growing up in an alcoholic home. My mother denied that there was a problem, and I did everything possible to pretend that things were normal too. I wanted to preserve my family’s prestige and project the image of a “perfect family”. I didn't want my friends to come visit. I began to live with anxiety and developed a negative self image. I continued that behavior into my marriage, always feeling that there was something to hide, no where to run, confined in my own personal prison of unhappiness.

So I'm hoping that those of you who read this will make a decision to get to a meeting. There won't be strangers there but people just like you who have felt the same despair that you feel. And eventually, you'll come to realize that there is a better way to live.

Being hooked

I have wondered many times why I spent so many years in abusive relationships. After last night's meeting though I believe that I came to understand that I was hooked into the abuse.

Having lived with alcoholics for most of my life, I realize that those who are dry but not working a program of recovery can be more miserable to be around than those who are drinking. I heard someone once say in an Al-Anon meeting that they often wished that their spouse would go back to drinking because at least that was predictable.

But the question that has bothered me is what made me put up with it? I truly was the insane one because I let myself be driven insane by giving all my power to the alcoholic.

I can remember how sullen, withdrawn, moody, and irritable my wife would be. I would then rush in to try to figure out what was "wrong". Of course, she would say that nothing was wrong. So gradually, she became distant and angry, hostile and mean, and I became frustrated, angry, and sad trying to figure out how to restore harmony.

I was sure that there was something much more wrong with us than I could fix, yet I kept trying. And no matter what I'd do, it wasn't the right thing. When she would move away, I'd move forward, and so on. It was an ugly dance. And I became crazier and crazier because I began to believe all the untrue things that she said about us and our relationship.

The insane thing is that I was attracted by someone who had a lot of problems. And not only because I was hoping to fix her but because her problems seemed to be of a greater magnitude than mine. It was important that I find someone who was more maimed than me. Perhaps that would make me feel better. Go figure! A non-recovering alcoholic is negative in thinking. Her pessimism slowly eroded me down until I felt hopeless.

I've read that the irregular emotions of untreated alcoholism tend to hook a co-dependent as surely as an angler playing a fish. In a book entitled, Getting Them Sober, I read that the reason for bonding with someone who gives love inconsistently is that since we want the love, we are anxiously awaiting it. Therefore, we pay a lot of attention to the alcoholic, watching out for when a morsel of love will be tossed this way. I wanted to not feel rejected, to fill that huge hole within me. And for reasons that sometimes escape me, I chose to seek out a person who had a larger hole than mine to put on a pedestal.

Now I find that within the program, I have friends who speak about solutions rather than problems. And who are not only surviving their losses but are enhancing their psyche. And, the relationship with the recovering person is so much different than it was before. We treat each other with respect and kindness. I don't have to "tip toe" around the keg of dynamite. I have come to not feel anxious about doing things that I like. I no longer have to wait for the crumbs of love to be tossed my way.

I'm off the hook in the best way possible. And it's a much better way to live.

reading

Beware of the man of one book.
~ Thomas Aquinas ~

I've been reading a lot of books lately. Some are about sailing and stories of single handers going around the world. Others are self-help type books such as Co-Dependent No More. In this one, I'm learning that I definitely have those co-dependent ways. I knew that before reading the book but maybe I just needed to read about the recovery part again. This book incorporates the 12 steps in dealing with co-dependency and has good chapters on topics like Detachment, Anger, Acceptance, Communication.

Others that I'm reading are biographical books on addiction such as Augustine Burroughs Dry and David Sheff's book Beautiful Boy. The latter is about a father dealing with his son's methamphetamine addiction. It is a sad book, yet I can't seem to put down. It feels like I'm standing too close to a fire when I'm reading it. It hurts, but I'm transfixed and can't move.

And then I've also read about commitment phobia in Steven Carter's books. That's one of those topics that seems to hit close to home also. I don't think that I'm phobic about commitment but have suffered the consequences of being involved in a relationship with someone who exhibits the "symptoms". And reading about this helps me understand that once again I'm powerless over what the other person does. And that it isn't about me.

And then my "in the car" book on tape is Deepak Chopra's Book of Secrets: Unlocking the Hidden Dimensions in your Life. It's soothing to listen to as I drive to and from work.

Reading is comforting to me. I've always used it to help me through the best and worst of times. These aren't bad times now but ones that are thought provoking. I'm hoping that I'll discover something in my reading that will help me understand myself in relation to the world and those around me. I don't know whether it will but I'll keep trying.

To Anonymous in Pain

"I am hoping all of you will listen and hear me tonight. I am truly at a low point. The alcoholic in my life told me tonight that I am an embarassment. When I expressed my need for time and attention, I was recvd with a cold shoulder and told to leave. I actually drank too much tonight. I haven't done that in a year at least. The alcoholic in my life does it regularly and i never know if they are alive or not, but tonight i did it and I am an embarassment to them because of it. I have been attending al-anon meetings, but I have had a relapse. No matter how hard I try to not get into relationships with alcoholics or addicts, I find them and they find me. Of course, I'm the only one in my family who thinks we have a problem. If my dghtr weren't so fucking beautiful and precious, I would certainly be more tragic. I don't know how to stop the cycle. I am in so much pain, I just don't know how to break it."

I understand your low point. I've been there and have been told over the years by my alcoholic that I was a lot of things, most of them not any good. It's fairly standard alcoholic rhetoric. What I've come to know is that if someone doesn't love themselves, then it's not going to be possible for them to love another.

Going to Al-Anon has made me realize that my story isn't unique. Interactions with an alcoholic can cause great damage to self-esteem. It becomes difficult to function because our lives seem so hopeless in this destructive dance with the alcoholic. And it seems that we are drawn to alcoholics because they fulfill this need that we have to help, to fix, to control. These are all adaptations that have come from the influence of alcoholism in our lives.

How did I break the cycle? The experience, strength and hope of others has made me realize that I am worthwhile and that by working on my own recovery, I am no longer enabling the alcoholic. The cycle then gets stopped because we no longer participate in it with the alcoholic.

I can only tell you what worked for me. There were times when I wanted to get drunk, run my car into a tree, and do other stupid things to destroy myself because I was so angry at the alcoholic. Now I know that the alcoholic has a disease. I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. I can just take care of myself and enjoy the life that I have. And it is now a great life. Because I chose to break the cycle, my alcoholic is now in recovery and is like a different person.

I would urge you to keep going to meetings, call other Al-Anon members who have a number of years of recovery, get a sponsor and start working the steps. You will find true peace by working this program.

validation

I was reminded yesterday of how difficult sometimes it is to have relationships. Things can go along just great for a while and then WHAM, there is an impasse that happens. I have had difficulties with relationships over the years because of looking to someone else to give me what I never received as a kid.

I think that things have improved a lot through Al-Anon. I have lessened expectations and have felt happy doing those things that I like to do. Yet, there are times that I know that I look for reactions from another in order to validate feelings about myself. I enjoy closeness and intimacy but know that too much of that can seem smothering.

But like all things in recovery, I'm still a work in progress. I believe though that loving someone doesn't have to be like walking a tight rope. Being around someone too much can be irritating and not allow them to have their own life and things that they want to do. I never thought that displaying affection had to be measured.

I've read in the book Compelled to Control that controlling can be insidious. The controller doesn't know always when it is happening. That's because it has been a behavioral adaptation that has been around since childhood. It stems from fear of loss and abandonment.

What I've learned is that having too much focus on another or having expectations of affection can be irritating and an affront to another's freedom and space. At worst, it can result in loss of love and damage to the relationship.

In recovery we learn that healthy boundaries are good. And that it is important to respect another's boundaries. It is a question of changing attitudes, not just behavior. It is about a persons attitude of self acceptance. No one can make another feel worthwhile because we have to find value inside ourselves.

I know the progress that I've made but there is always room for improvement. I am going to resolve to set more careful boundaries and enforce them, even when it isn't comfortable or convenient. And I'm going to be respectful of the boundaries of others. I have to deal with the feelings of resentment that plague me when I'm reminded of breaching boundaries. And I have to remind myself that just because there is love in a relationship, there still needs to be space for personal growth.

And in considering boundaries I have to inventory myself about my resentments that stem from my own unreasonable expectations of relationships. No one can make another feel good about themselves. We have to build our own self-image and deal with the distortions that are present due to poor parenting or whatever else had a hand in how we interact with others. This isn't an easy process. But through the program and the help of my sponsor, I am able to see that backsliding into neediness isn't the end but something that I can work on through awareness.

So much of what I call my codependency is fear and panic because I spent so much of my life feeling abused, trapped, and not knowing how to take care of myself in relationships.
-- Anonymous

coming to consciousness

Seldom, or perhaps never, does a marriage develop into an individual relationship smoothly and without crises; there is no coming to consciousness without pain.
--Carl Jung

I think that since I've worked on not having so many expectations of others, I been able to forego a lot of pain. I've learned that there are no perfect relationships but there are ways that we can connect with others in a meaningful honest way.

My wife has been reading the Diana Chronicles and we discussed it last night. From what I gather, the Princess of Wales had a lot of expectations going in her head. There was the fantasy of the Prince and the Princess living happily ever after. And there was the fear of rejection that pervaded the Princess's life. She wanted all to be perfect in picture-book form, but it wasn't real. She didn't count on the fact that such an existence doesn't account for the personalities of others that are beyond our control.

Having a real relationship means that sometimes we will get upset with others, or they will get upset with us. But if we are to stay in a relationship, there needs to be a basic commitment for honest communication and to work at making the relationship better through acceptance and lowering our expectations of others. There will also be a need to work through those crises that come along. If we don't do that, then no relationship is going to grow. One or the other will walk out eventually or become so resentful that the relationship dies.

I don't know whether the Princess ever realized how co-dependent she was and perhaps Al-Anon would have helped her (her father John Spencer was a heavy drinker and her mother an eventual alcoholic so she would have qualified). I think that without a program of growth, I would not have been able to handle the rough spots or stay in my marriage. I knew that things weren't right but I wanted to feel better about who I was. And I realized that there was no way I could change the other person. My life wasn't a fairy tale. It was real and instead of running away from all the problems forever, I eventually had to face them. And by facing them, I finally came back to reality and consciousness.

How to deal with this?

I have a cousin who has become disabled due to surgery from a brain tumor. He is alive two years after diagnosis of the most deadly of brain cancers. According to statistics, he should be dead.

Even though he can now stand and is beginning to converse a bit better, he also rages and curses at his wife. He is demanding and uncooperative. He also cries and is scared. He is now feeling depressed. He has threatened to give up, saying that he won't get better.

Now his wife is feeling despondent too. She has devoted the last two years to him. And when I write "devoted" I mean it literally. She has taken him to appointments, fed him, changed his diapers, given him medication and so on. But what is most telling is that she has given up herself for him. He is her universe. She said that last night he was yelling at her to feed him at 1:30 AM when he had already had dinner at 8 PM. She has gotten about 3 hours of sleep a night for the last week.

Maybe it is just the brain tumor causing this behavior. But maybe this is also about his self-pity and manipulations around that. It all sounds too familiar to me: The idea of sacrificing oneself for another who doesn't appreciate what is being done for them. It seems like enabling to me. And when I last visited them, I wanted to tell her to take some time for herself. And today, she finally admitted that she can't take the situation anymore. She said that she thought about crawling in bed with him and just dying too.

So I asked her if she had considered that by doing everything for him, he might not need to cooperate or do anything to help himself. And had she considered that by taking care of herself and getting some rest, the whole situation might be better. H.A.L.T.

I have never had to take care of anyone to this extent so I may be off base here. But it seems to have similarities to the alcoholic relationship in which one person enables the sickness of another by overdoing. If anyone has any experience on dealing with individuals with disabilities, please post some thoughts. Sometimes I think that I see everything through the 12 steps and perhaps they don't apply in this situation.

A Silda by any other name...

Might be me or you. I can't seem to get the face of Silda Wall Spitzer out of my head. (If you haven't read the story then here it is or at least one of many in the last few days.) It was a face that had a great deal of pain on it, standing there in front of the reporters and cameras and next to her husband as he read his resignation. I've read that Mrs. Spitzer is an educated woman, an attorney who gave up her legal career to raise a family. I've read that she is (was?) her husband's confidante and advisor. And now what I'm reading on her face is a great deal of sadness.

Evidently seeing her standing by her husband triggered pain within me: An embarrassment underneath a stoic face during some of those WTF moments that happen when you live with an alcoholic. It's the type of feeling that I used to get when I wanted desperately for things to be okay at home and tried to put on a brave face to the world. It's a feeling of fakery and dishonesty. It's a sick, sad feeling.

I was well aware of my own role as "victim" sliding into my thinking when I saw Silda Wall Spitzer. I wanted to hug her and tell her that she was brave to be there. And I also wanted to say that when all was said and done, I hoped that she would do what she needed to do to take care of herself. In the end, I hope that Silda keeps the focus on herself and stands up for herself.

Pleasing everyone?

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, What a shame, he makes that little boy walk. They then decided they both would walk.

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the
river and drowned.

The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.

The parable is funny but it also hits close to home. I spent most of my life trying to please others. It never worked, and I would always be filled with resentment when my "good" deeds would go unnoticed or be glossed over. The people pleasing behavior is one of those things that children of alcoholics do well.

I guess that it's not unusual to want to be liked or to please the people that we love or who are important to us. When I was growing up, people pleasing was part of what my parents expected since they were big on manners and diplomacy. But somewhere along the way, I got hooked on this behavior and had this love/hate relationship with being liked.

I knew that I didn't fit in but that would only make me try harder to do so. When I would fail in my attempts at fitting in, I would be angry for a while and then I would redouble my efforts to please because the fact that I failed was due to my inability to effectively please others. It was a vicious circle of anger, self-loathing, and unhappiness.

I don't know whether I ended up sacrificing my entire personality for others but I came pretty close to losing myself. What probably saved me is becoming beaten down to the point that I no longer wanted to please anyone, not even myself. I just gave up which is what brought me to Al-Anon. I finally realized that my way wasn't working and that I had no control over anyone or anything.

I'd like to say that I no longer want to please. But there are times when I'm around the people that I love that I know I'm willing to do favors, help out, or go the extra mile. I have to stop myself from taking over someone's responsibilities. I have to keep my mouth shut and mind my own business. Even if it means the other person falls flat.

I now know that my friendship and love is enough. I don't have to give gifts all the time or take people places or do any of the other things that I would do whether I really wanted to or not. I realize that I deserve to have friends and healthy relationships. And I don't have to volunteer for things at work because others look to me to take up the slack. I can just say NO.