Cliques in recovery?

Last night after the meeting a group of us went out to get ice cream.  We talked about Haiti and some non meeting stuff but eventually we got around to talking about the meeting. The "ice cream" group likes to talk about all kinds of stuff, but meeting stuff seems to be one of the favorite topics.  And sometimes it becomes a bit of a gripe session.

Last night, we were musing over the format of sharing. This is a large meeting with sometimes 40 people.  And the format has been one of going around the room.  So sometimes those to the left of the person who has the topic get to share and sometimes those to the right. This is the only meeting that I attend in which there is a "go around" way of sharing.  In the others, people share when they feel like it (or God directs them).

Because the meeting is so large, the chair always asks that people limit their sharing to 3 minutes. Well, that doesn't happen most of the time.  As was mentioned last night, there are "repeat offenders" who share for 15 minutes. In some cases, those who share longer really need the time because there is something heavy going on. In other cases, there is just talk and some of it is not really relevant to recovery.

I don't let this drive me crazy (see Mr. Sponsor Pants great post) because I realized a long time ago that not everyone will get to share anyway with such a large crowd.  But I guess I also believe that one's share needs to come from the heart and not just because it's your turn in the line up. I like the idea of saying "ditto" to what so-and-so said when I'm next in line unless I have a rare original thought after 20 shares.  

I enjoy the ice cream group, but I also don't want it to become an opportunity for bashing meetings or people. That starts to feel a bit like a clique or even a trial without a jury.  I had enough of the clique stuff when I was in high school. Plus, it doesn't seem to be placing principles above personalities (you're probably already got me pegged for a clique). 

What I like about Al-Anon is we all have some kind of deep seated wounding that has occurred because of alcoholism.  We pretty much all have this.  And we are doing what we can to offer help, kindness, a smile and a phone number to anyone who needs it.  We also have a bunch of character defects that are bubbling right under the surface. And those may cause us to partition ourselves into little cliques.

So here are some of the ones that I have noticed in Al-Anon:

• The Traditionalists--I qualify as one of these--you probably guessed that.  I feel a bit of incredulity when someone reads from the Big Book or other non-conference approved literature, introduces themselves as "Hi, I'm Joe and I'm an alcoholic", or cross talks all over the place. 
• The Experts who haven't worked a single step but lead step studies or who have a thousand years in the program but still struggle with Step One. 
• The Sufferers who beat up on themselves at every meeting and want to compare their suffering with others. They share their pain with each other after the meeting. They often refuse to get a sponsor or work the steps. 
• The Uber-religious who raise their eyebrows at curse words, references to confusion about God or faith, and who often quote the Bible. 
• The Gossipers who are immediately on the phone to chat about what was said, who was there, and what a mess they are.
  

I've heard about cliques in other programs as well.  We are unique from AA in that Al-Anon doesn't seem to have a 13th Stepper Clique who ogle.  Our sly sidelong glances are not directed at other "available members" but are usually coming from the Traditionalists who sense that something is amiss in the meeting.

Maybe it's just natural that when a group of people get together there is going to be a herd mentality.  I have a train wreck curiosity about some of this.  But mostly I just go for the ice cream.

PS: I just realized that this is my 1000th post. Not a particularly auspicious one but I just didn't feel very auspicious today.

Meeting after the meeting

Prior to going to the Al-Anon meeting last night, I went for a walk on the beach and was thinking about how solitary I was feeling. It wasn't exactly self-pity, but it was getting there. I pulled myself out of that slippery slope by thinking about the sunset and how nice it was to be on a virtually deserted beach, yet not alone at all with the evidence of so much natural life surrounding me.

So I went to the meeting and the topic was expectations. The sharing was good and I got a lot out of the meeting. There was a newcomer sitting next to me who seemed very glad to be at the meeting and shared her thoughts on the topic. A person from one of the other Al-Anon meetings that I attend was also there and seemed glad to see me. And there was a fellow who I can identify with because his wife is an active alcoholic. He shared that he would be going home to a drunk and that he really didn't have much to look forward to. So, after the meeting, I did something that I've wanted to do for a while. I asked several individuals standing around if they wanted to go to a nearby restaurant and have coffee.

Surprisingly, the newcomer, the fellow with the alcoholic wife, and the regular from the other meeting I attend jumped at the chance. Several others said that they thought that it was a great idea and would do it next week. I've always thought that the Al-Anon folks are much less social than the AA gang. After an Al-Anon meeting, things clear out quickly while the AA's stand around, talk, drink coffee, or go out to eat. I've always heard that the Meeting after the Meeting can be a great opportunity to get to know people, share if you want, and just have a good time in a social setting. Everyone seemed to enjoy the get together and the newcomer seemed so pleased to be asked. She said that it made her feel welcomed.

I think that this first step at being sociable worked well. Who knows, maybe we'll have another Meeting after the Meeting next week.