Dependency

I was talking to a friend this morning who is at last breaking away from a relationship that has left him feeling insecure, unhappy, and bitter.  He thinks that he has lost the ability to trust another because of being with a person who has proven to be untrustworthy.  He admitted that he had continued in this relationship out of a sense of loyalty.

I truly understand what he is doing.  I too have stayed in a relationship that was bad for me, and I stayed out of loyalty and some kind of hope that things would get better.  Now things are much better, and I'm glad that I stuck around.  But I also wonder about the cost that it took on me.

As long as I was not in a relationship,  I was happy with who I was and what I did.  I remember in high school that I fell head over heels for this brainy, attractive, exciting girl. We had a great time for over a year, until she started going out with another fellow. The pain of loss during the break up was like a death. It was a time of grieving.  But eventually I was able to move on.  But as soon as I would become involved with someone again, I would start looking critically at myself, become anxious, and essentially begin to push the person that I loved away because of my fear of being hurt.

Irish at Recovery Archive had the following to say about dependency in her post today: I am only free of my dependency to the extent that I am able to see my own irrational clinging to people places and things, (various conditions) in a deluded attempt to pin reality down to a controllable form.  Because I am powerless over people places and things, this attempt to control people and places and things leads only to suffering.

So often the frightening part of letting go of control is not about what happens to others but what will happen to me.  I used to think that it would mean that I failed in a relationship because I couldn't "fix" another, and that if I were to let go of control, things would fall apart.  Maybe these are similar fears that alcoholics feel when they have to give up booze. I have heard all kinds of excuses from others and from me about why I wouldn't give up on another. Isn't that an addiction of sorts?

In the end it comes down to choices of whether I want to live an authentic life or one that is predicated on fear of loss. Today, I can see how far I've come in understanding that I don't need to control in order to relate to others. Now I am seeing after being in a long-term relationship that we have to work on it--it is like the care and feeding of fragile plant.  It has to be tended and the weeds pulled in order to grow.  What is my idea of being in a healthy relationship?  I think it means that we encourage each other, we care for each other but have a balance in which we maintain independence too, we speak kindly to each other without sarcasm and anger, we help each other out, we are intertwined gently with gossamer and not chains.

Alcoholism as a disease

The meeting topic last night was alcoholism as a disease. The person who brought up the topic shared that it is both a physical craving and a mental obsession.

I know that accepting the disease description helps me to better understand the individual. I can accept and have compassion for a person who has this "cunning, baffling, and powerful" disease.

I have learned that no matter how hard I try, I will not be able to help the alcoholic. If I were to devote my life to "fixing" the alcoholic, I would only harm her and myself. I would harm through enabling and doing for someone what they have to do for themselves. Instead I have chosen to help myself through the Al-Anon program.

I don't need to go back to asking the question of why the person I love is an alcoholic. I have to accept that is the way it is and that my SO has a disease that can make her sick. I've also accepted that she isn't a bad person.

I have learned that having a compulsion to drink is a terrible thing. I've listened in open AA meetings about how hard it is to not pick up a drink. Have you ever had a compulsion to eat ice cream or pizza, even though you were on a diet? What did that compulsion feel like to you? How much did you struggle with it? What did you feel like when it bested you? What did it feel like when it didn't and you were able to withstand the compulsion? What does it feel like to know that you can never eat another piece of pizza or have any more ice cream...ever? If I think about those things, then I can better understand the territory of the struggling alcoholic and addict.

But I can't do anything about anyone's alcoholism because I don't know how. I don't have that compulsion that would kill me. My alcoholic can only get help with another recovering alcoholic and by practicing a program of honesty and willingness.

Because I need to work on my own issues from living with alcoholism, I focus on my own program. Getting through the affects of alcohol requires a lot from me. It requires detatchment, patience and humility. It requires being teachable and allowing room for great successes and great failures. It requires serenity, courage and wisdom. It requires honesty and the willingness to change.

How to deal with this?

I have a cousin who has become disabled due to surgery from a brain tumor. He is alive two years after diagnosis of the most deadly of brain cancers. According to statistics, he should be dead.

Even though he can now stand and is beginning to converse a bit better, he also rages and curses at his wife. He is demanding and uncooperative. He also cries and is scared. He is now feeling depressed. He has threatened to give up, saying that he won't get better.

Now his wife is feeling despondent too. She has devoted the last two years to him. And when I write "devoted" I mean it literally. She has taken him to appointments, fed him, changed his diapers, given him medication and so on. But what is most telling is that she has given up herself for him. He is her universe. She said that last night he was yelling at her to feed him at 1:30 AM when he had already had dinner at 8 PM. She has gotten about 3 hours of sleep a night for the last week.

Maybe it is just the brain tumor causing this behavior. But maybe this is also about his self-pity and manipulations around that. It all sounds too familiar to me: The idea of sacrificing oneself for another who doesn't appreciate what is being done for them. It seems like enabling to me. And when I last visited them, I wanted to tell her to take some time for herself. And today, she finally admitted that she can't take the situation anymore. She said that she thought about crawling in bed with him and just dying too.

So I asked her if she had considered that by doing everything for him, he might not need to cooperate or do anything to help himself. And had she considered that by taking care of herself and getting some rest, the whole situation might be better. H.A.L.T.

I have never had to take care of anyone to this extent so I may be off base here. But it seems to have similarities to the alcoholic relationship in which one person enables the sickness of another by overdoing. If anyone has any experience on dealing with individuals with disabilities, please post some thoughts. Sometimes I think that I see everything through the 12 steps and perhaps they don't apply in this situation.

The Merry-Go-Round of Denial

At the meeting last night, we talked about how alcoholism sets up a Merry-Go-Round of blame and denial. There are three types of people who ride the Merry-Go-Round with the alcoholic.

One is the enabler who is impelled to rescue the alcoholic from the disease. The enabler by trying to save the alcoholic also is meeting a desperate need himself. What happens when the enabler steps in is that the alcoholic is denied the process of learning from mistakes. Instead, the alcoholic learns that someone will be there to come to the rescue.

The other individual on the Merry-Go-Round is the victim. This person is responsible for getting the work done, if the alcoholic is absent due to drinking or is half on and half off the job due to a hangover. The victim essentially tries to protect the alcoholic. And the victim can also become a real emotional victim who feels shame, disappointment and eventually rage over the behavior of the alcoholic. This is a role that I played for sure. I absorbed injustices, endured social embarrassments, accepted broken promises, and was broken in spirit. My reaction was to spew out hostility, anxiety and anger. And I was as sick as the alcoholic.

The provoker is another individual who usually lives with the alcoholic. This person is generally hurt and upset by the drinking. As a result the relationship with the alcoholic becomes one that is filled with bitterness, resentment, fear and hurt. The provoker tries to control and force changes. But the provocation only brings about anger and blame from the alcoholic. And here is another part of me that I could see.

Because of these behaviors by those around him, the alcoholic's dependency increases. Others have cleaned up the mess and suffered the consequences of the alcoholic's drinking.

Here's where this really ceases to be a Merry-Go-Round but more like a House of Horrors with a revolving door. The alcoholic denies that there is a problem. And begins to blame the family for nagging and creating problems. I know this one well too.

The real problem is that the alcoholic is well aware of the truth which he so strongly denies. He is aware of his drunkenness. He is aware of his failure. His guilt and remorse have become unbearable; he cannot tolerate criticism or advice from others.

Everyone in the family of the alcoholic vows not to repeat their insanity but they continue to do so. And the alcoholic will continue to drink unless the cycle is broken because those associated with the alcoholic decide to change.

Thus, the Enablers and the Victim must seek information, insight and understanding, if they plan to change their roles.

The Enabler must make a decision that he is powerless over the alcoholic and let the alcoholic suffer the consequences of his drinking . By doing so, the Enabler allows the alcoholic the dignity to fail.

The Victim who is often a spouse becomes crushed, empty and nearly destroyed. By seeking help through therapy or Al-Anon, the spouse will change roles and not be the victim anymore. When that happens, it may get the attention of the alcoholic. If the non-alcoholic changes, this may make the alcoholic seek help. But there are no guarantees of that.

There is no easy way to change behaviors. Some find it more painful to change than to just keep things the way they are. I found that if I didn't change, I would be sinking so low that my life no longer mattered. I decided that I had to break that cycle of the downward spiral. Thankfully, my wife entered AA at the time that I went to Al-Anon. I think that we both realized that the life we had wasn't really living.

Boundaries

We had a good discussion on boundaries at last night's meeting. I've had to learn hard lessons with keeping boundaries because I've been a boundary breaker. I've been involved in a marriage in which I've had to gradually learn to establish boundaries. Before the marriage though, I knew that the relationship wasn't healthy for me.

In the beginning, I put a lot of time and emotional energy into the relationship. I was willing to sacrifice a lot and give much more than I got. That's definitely not a good thing and indicates my lack of boundaries. I basically let myself experience feelings of caring and love towards a very needy person who was an alcoholic. By not keeping any semblance of a boundary, I lost my own identity by giving so much of myself.

Probably my biggest lack of a boundary came from having an image of the way the perfect relationship is supposed to be. It was a fantasy and reality was far from pretty. This resulted in my giving, with the hope of having the fantasy become reality, but it never did. I had a belief that I couldn't fail and if I persisted, all would be okay.

I would like to think that I had an amazing core of strength and persistence that enabled me to crash the boundaries of others and not make any of my own. I think that the main motivator was fear. The fear that I had was of rejection and abandonment.

Through the Al-Anon program and some hard hitting advice from a close AA friend, I've learned that healthy boundaries will allow me to focus on myself, my own needs, and my personal integrity in relationships. By having boundaries, I'm able to have energy to focus on all aspects of my life instead of focusing on one person. I've also learned that I can't have a healthy relationship with my partner if I'm trying to fix or take care of them.

When dealing with those that I care about, I have to work at healthy intimacy but not over-dependency. I've been guilty of being dependent on another and thinking that I needed them in order to feel fulfilled and happy. By focusing on myself and respecting the boundaries of others, I have become more independent and have accepted responsibility for my own happiness. I can't get that from others. I've also learned that I need to be based in reality and accept my relationships for the way they are rather than the way that I want them to be.

One of the issues that I hear a lot when it comes to the alcoholic is that fear of letting go of the control in a relationship stems from thinking that the alcoholic will drink if their needs aren't met by another. This is particularly hard when the alcoholic makes a threat to do something to themselves if bourndaries are established. Fear makes it hard to establish boundaries because you've become a hostage to someone who is needy, helpless and manipulative. This is where Step One is so important because we cannot control or determine the outcome of the life of anyone else no matter how hard we try. The only thing I can control is my own thinking, feeling and actions. I need to hand my relationship partners' problems and needs and the outcomes of their lives over to the HP. Then, I can hope that the alcoholic accepts personal responsibility for their own life and the consequences of their own actions and decisions.