To build or to plant

I am hearing the chirping of crickets and night insects this evening.  It has been near 80 F today.  That is amazing for February.  I'm resigned to the fact that the back of winter may be broken.  The spring flowers are blooming.  Tomorrow is going to be rainy, followed by some cooler weather--to 60 F.  I've hardly used a sweater this year.

It has been a busy day. I drove the boat to the yard for bottom painting.  Hopefully, she will be done and ready to be put back in the water next week. We also worked in the garden, planting potatoes.  The green house has all kinds of plants that we grew from seed--tomatoes, cucumbers, peppers, herbs, and flowers.  My wife ordered several of the strip lights for plants so we have tiers of those lights and trays of plants on tall shelves.  We also brought home two truck loads of composted manure for the garden. We are amending the soil--changing its composition and making it better for growth.  This is  not so different from those amends made in recovery.

I'm lost on what to do for the weekend without the boat.  Maybe we will go on a field trip to the Birds of Prey center and take a look at all the raptors.  We had talked about going tent camping but with rain coming tomorrow, it sounds like a wash out.  I also looked into going to a rustic cabin at one of the state parks, but those were booked.  So this may have to be one of those spur of the moment times when we just do what sparks our interest--no plans, just spontaneity.

Meanwhile, I am going to soothe some aching muscles in the whirlpool.  Both of us have been working out hard at the gym and in the garden.  Time to just chill.  Tomorrow will be here soon enough, bringing whatever magic it has in store.  Here is a bit of the magic that was around here today:

In life, a person can take one of two attitudes: to build or to plant. The builders might take years over their tasks, but one day, they finish what they're doing. Then they find that they're hemmed in by their own walls. Life loses its meaning when the building stops.


Then there are those who plant. They endure storms and all the vicissitudes of the seasons, and they rarely rest. But unlike a building, a garden never stops growing. And while it requires the gardener's constant attention, it also allows life for the gardener to be a great adventure.


Gardeners always recognize each other, because they know that in the history of each plant lies the growth of the whole World.―Paulo Coelho

Wild weather

We're to have wild weather here today--40-60 knot winds (knock down weather), lots of rain, thunderstorms, and maybe a tornado. Not a good day for being on the water in a sailboat. We were supposed to go to an oyster roast on the island but that's been canceled due to the inclement weather forecast.

I will likely go down to the boat and maybe just stay on board at the marina. I like to make sure that she's riding good when rough weather comes. Plus, it's cozy and romantic to listen to the rain hitting the topside of the cabin.

And maybe we'll decide to go watch a movie that's near the marina. I know that my wife wants to see The Reader. And then we can go out to dinner, running between the rain drops.

I guess what I'm saying here is that there isn't anything definite planned. We'll just be trying to avoid getting caught in torrential rains.

It's kind of nice to have "unscheduled" plans. And go with the flow of what the moment brings. Have a good Saturday.

I hope to chat with some of you that make it by The Second Road on Sunday evening starting at 8 PM EST. It's open topic night so anything goes. Come by and share what's on your mind.

Sometimes when you least expect it...

Sometimes when you least expect it, you get a break. After all the frenzy of yesterday, I'm relieved that I have a safe place for my boat and that currently TS Hannah isn't forecast to be as bad as originally thought. Even on its course for NC, it doesn't appear to be more than a Category 1 storm. I'm hoping that's the case.

I had a feeling of disquietude much of yesterday. Perhaps it was having too much to do in too short a period of time, but I think that it also related to not wanting to make a lot of decisions. I simply didn't want to have my routine disrupted.

I’m not exactly a totally routine-driven person, but I have found that I like to set my own routine and not have it set by forces that are out of my....CONTROL. Yep, I think that the old control meter was probably out of whack yesterday. So maybe what has happened is that I've gotten settled into a routine in my head and program.

I've come a long way from the early painful struggles about detachment. I've enjoyed many of the benefits of recovery. I attend meetings and know the ideas of Al-Anon. And all this looks really good on the outside, but maybe my spirit has gone a little flat as of late. Maybe I've talked myself into thinking that I'm doing better than I actually am.

I've read that when the inside feeling does not match our outside appearance, we need to become vulnerable again. Every now and then, it's good to look at things with total humility and really remember that regardless of how well I can talk the talk or want to look and sound good, there are moments when I'm not being genuine with my feelings.

I think that I need to step back, think about all the good things in my life, be grateful for them, and acknowledge those things that are still painful. In short, I need to get back to being genuine with myself and my HP. I need to remember that this is a program of life and that I simply need to get in touch with my feelings and be open to all the possibilities without trying to control the outcome. It's like getting back to feeling the program from within and being honest with myself. I think that maybe if I let God do the worrying, I'll feel a lot better.

Spontaneity is the quality of being able to do something just because you feel like it at the moment, of trusting your instincts, of taking yourself by surprise and snatching from the clutches of your well-organized routine a bit of unscheduled pleasure.
--Richard Lannelli

Spontaneity

Spontaneity is the quality of being able to do something just because you feel like it at the moment, of trusting your instincts, of taking yourself by surprise and snatching from the clutches of your well-organized routine a bit of unscheduled pleasure. --Richard Lannelli

I have been a creature of habit for most of my life. I think that having responsibilities and striving for perfection took away a lot of my spontaneity. I didn't drink to excess because I didn't want to lose control. I didn't venture forth to uncharted territory because it seemed unsure. And when I did let go, I felt some guilt for having had a "good" time. I learned to associate spontaneity with compulsive, self destructive, and irresponsible behavior. It is classic stuff for a co-dependent who has learned to be safe by being right, strong, and in control.

Since being in Al-Anon, I've learned that being spontaneous is a lot of fun. I don't have to be what others want me to be but can express who I am without fear.

Now I have a sponsee who reminds me of how restricting perfection can be. He has lived a life with little spontaneity. He's a list maker, a scheduler, and a perfectionist. It's as if I'm looking at myself from the not so distant past. And I see the fear in his eyes and the frown on his face when he talks about losses he has experienced. He is a young man who hasn't allowed himself much freedom of expression.

I've learned that I had nothing to lose by being spontaneous but a lot to gain. By trying new things, I've grown in confidence, self-awareness and self-esteem. It would have been safe to just sit on the sidelines and watch the game of life play out, but I didn't want to be safe anymore. I wanted to play more and place more stock in myself, in my ability to do things that I had never done.

My sponsee wants to live a full life. He talks about the loneliness. I hear him loud and clear. By letting go of the control, I've been able to achieve more intimacy in my relationships. I trust myself more than before and I'm not afraid to express my vulnerabilities. To be spontaneous allows me to be engaged in the present.

So I'm going to encourage this young man to lighten up. As we go through Step One, I'm going to share my experience that it's okay to make a mistake, to have imperfections, and to be vulnerable. I think that he'll eventually enjoy who he is and what life has to offer.

the weekend

I had a busy weekend, one in which I didn't dwell on anything other than the moments that I was in. I let the peaceful feeling that I had guide me which is quite an accomplishment for someone who used to be wound tight. I just let things happen and only had a couple of things that were scheduled. So, I went to the beach with one of the dogs, went out on the water, went out to eat, did some photography and enjoyed the company of a very good friend.

One of the more serious things that I learned this past week was that my sponsor has a serious illness. I thought about that a lot over the weekend. I am concerned but am also trusting that this good person will be okay. There are some people who just exude a sense of calm and well being. My sponsor is one of those individuals who has lived life to the fullest and enjoys every moment of what life has to offer. I am indeed fortunate to have such a wonderful person in my life.

Last night, I chaired my home group meeting. It was an anniversary for one of the members who shared her story. Every time I hear a life story, it amazes me that any of us survived the anguish that we've had to endure as children with angry or alcoholic parents. Most of us learned to survive either by shutting down, breaking down, running around or falling face down due to our own addictions. It's good that we found the Al-Anon or AA fellowship because there wasn't much else that appeared to work. It takes a lot to revisit the old pain and learn new ways of dealing with it. What's sad is that for every one of us who is in the program, there are countless others who either don't know about it or who choose not to try it.