Pause when agitated

My wife had a good birthday, celebrating with a lunch out the day before and opening her presents on the day. This year, I got her an Italian pizza oven with accessories.  She enjoys cooking, especially out doors where we can sit on the deck or near the outdoor fireplace. And we both enjoy a thin crust pizza now and then.  She is going to try out the cauliflower crust soon.  Anyway, it was a good time, although much too short as I had to be on the road on the morning of her birthday.

I traveled to Raleigh to do some work.  In the meantime, I had a chance to go to the Al-Anon Literature Distribution Center where many of the books and pamphlets are shipped to groups in NC, SC and surrounding states. And I had an opportunity to go to dinner with my Service Sponsor, a person who guides me in the practice of the Traditions and Concepts.  I continue to do a lot of service work, but I also recognize that I can talk to this fellow if I have questions about whether I may be taking on too much.  I do have a tendency to say Yes to things that I really don't want to take on, but do so out of a sense of duty.  It's all about balance.  And it was a great chance to meet face to face with him.

When I got home on Sunday, I was catching up on news when I saw that a lady who was a passenger on a weekend cruise I captained had shot her husband during a domestic dispute.  As more details come out, it appears that she shot him and cut herself with a knife to fake self-defense.  I knew that she was a hunter and carried a gun.  She talked a lot about guns and her belief in being armed. I cannot understand the love of guns or the need to have them around.   I don't know what went on in her head to decide to shoot him, rather than walking out the door and leaving.  I don't think I can know how lives get so messed up.

I have thought about this tragic situation for the last couple of days.  No matter what, it seems that understanding the motives of people is baffling.
"...... when someone commits a violent crime, they always report in the news about his possible motive. As human beings, we need to somehow make sense of things. If someone murders someone, do you think it makes the family of the victim feel better to know the murderer's motive? No. Except for self-defense, there really is no excuse for murder. Motive, if there is any, is irrelevant. 

You want to know why. In many ways, you might feel like you need to know. But, if you could come up with a reason or a motive, it wouldn't help you." — Beth Praed (Domestic Violence: My Freedom from Abuse)

By no coincidence, last night's meeting topic was on motives.  It was a good reminder for me to examine my motives and understand what kept me in destructive relationships and accepting of negative behaviors and humiliation. What came across is that each of us is entitled to live without fear, uncertainty and discomfort.

Before Al-Anon,  I did not think about motives.  I had reasons to stay for many years with an alcoholic,  and those stemmed from beliefs that had been developed from outside influences and from poor self-esteem.  Then when I learned there were layers of truth underneath the reasons, I did not want to examine them because sometimes the truths about me were unacceptable to the mask I had created.  There was shame amidst my shadows.

Looking at the real motives and truths is an ongoing inquiry. My true motives may be unclear in the heat of the moment, but for the most part, I stay clear of people and those tasks that are unhealthy for my emotional well being.  I used to stick around for unacceptable situations simply because I didn't think that I deserved any better.  I stuck around to please another or because I was afraid of a negative reaction.  I let fear dictate my actions--fear of loss, of abandonment, of worthlessness.  Now, I do know that I can sort out my thinking in time, so that I realize what my motives were at the time I opened my mouth or made a bad decision.  It has helped me to not react until I have asked myself what my underlying feelings are at the moment.  "Pause when agitated" is a good mantra.

When did I stop pretending?

I dropped all pretenses about my wife's alcoholism the last few months of her drinking. It brings back some bad memories. I would repeatedly ask her to stop which she would do for a while and then, the insanity would start again.

Finally, things got bad enough that I no longer cared. Her driving off from a party drunk, and leaving me to walk home was the final straw.

It took me a while to learn to keep the focus on me. That took a lot longer than continuing to blame her and others for my problems.

We had so much resentment after getting into recovery. We were civil to each other, but both of us were shell shocked. We both knew that each of us was hurting.

I always thought that an "I'm sorry about last night" would make me feel better. But it didn't because the behavior didn't stop. I could recognize that nothing was going to change with words. She really and truly meant it when she said that she was sorry and wouldn't do it again. And then the disease takes hold and is stronger than the person's sheer willpower.

Fortunately, I listened to what my sponsor suggested over and over. I didn't dwell on all the damage that was done. I did not want to pretend that nothing happened but saw no point in blaming and being mired in resentment.

I've learned that it's fine to speak what's on my heart so long as I don't have any expectations attached to the response. I ask myself "what is my motive?" when I want to speak my mind. That really got me to pause and examine whether I had a lot of unrealistic expectations attached to what I was about to say. If my motives looked anything remotely like "I want you to change so I can be happy" then I chose not to speak or to let it rest until the day I felt I could speak without the expectations attached.

I acknowledged the elephant in the room, looked hard at it, and got my self together so that it did not continue to ruin my life. Everyone's solution will be different. In the long run, we do what's right for us and helps us to get our life back under our own control.

More on motives

It rained last night which brought some relief from the heat.  And this morning the raccoons are running up and down their tree out in the wetland.  I have a feeding station where all kinds of animals come to eat. A little doe has been coming to feed in the morning and evening.  She now has started to lose her spots.  It's peaceful to watch the animals and know that they have a safe haven here.

Last night's meeting was on motives and how we are driven by fear, anxiety, past experiences, control, and manipulation when dealing with others.  I don't think that I looked at my motives in a conscious way until about two years ago.  I reacted to situations without a thought of what I was doing.  I have come to realize that my negative reactions in the alcoholic situation were about ego based shame and past experiences. 

Fear for most of us is a huge issue around active drinking. It manifests as nagging, questioning, berating, and outbursts of anger.  Not being able to relax in social settings because I was counting every drink builds up a lot of resentment.  Examining my motives was an extremely powerful tool in discovering why I did what I did and said what I said.   I would blame my anger and sadness on the alcoholic, never bothering to look at what I was doing. 

When I undertook the job of checking my motives and focusing on myself I discovered that my motives were far from honorable.   They were self-serving because I was trying to manipulate others into loving me and being the way that I thought they should be.  I didn't understand this behavior before Al-Anon because I believed that these actions were justified and the tools of survival.  I still slip at times and want to punish instead of let go. 

Self-examination is an important tool. All of the old motives can be replaced by courage, humility, love and compassion for myself and others if I remain aware and willing. 

Hope that you are having a good Wednesday.  So far so good for me.

Checking my motives

After several years in Al-Anon, I am finally understanding how crucial it is to look at my motives before taking any action or making any decision. My motives are are the seeds from which all my actions sprout.

Something I have been learning to do in the last couple of years is to think about what I want to say, and then to decide if it is important for me to say it.  I am responsible to take care of myself  by speaking my truth.   I am also responsible for how I say what I say.   I have to decide if I have to say it for myself,  and allow the other person to do or not do whatever they are going to do. I realize that nothing I say will make another do what I think they "should" do.  It is the T.H.I.N.K. acronym--is what I am saying thoughtful, helpful, intelligent, necessary and kind.

For me, my true motives may be unclear in the heat of the moment.  I still have a tendency to want to do things that are unhealthy for my emotional well being.  I used to stick around for unacceptable situations simply because I didn't think that I deserved any better.  Now,  I do know that I can sort out my thinking in time, so that I realize what my motives were at the time I opened my mouth or made a bad decision.  It has helped me to not react until I have asked myself what my underlying feelings are at the moment.  I have done so many things just to please another or because I was afraid of a negative reaction.  I let fear dictate my actions--fear of loss, of abandonment, of worthlessness.

After a few years in Al-Anon,  I can ask myself what my motives are and use prayer, meditation, the steps and traditions, and my sponsor to check whether I am in "right" thinking.  When I find myself with an especially strong urge to do or have something, its particularly important to check my motives to find out what I really want.

Let it be your constant method to look into the design of people's actions, and see what they would be at, as often as it is practicable; and to make this custom the more significant, practice it first upon yourself.   Marcus Aurelius