Back to reality

We got home late last night. It was a long drive with some nasty thunderstorms and heavy rain as we came down I-95.

I'm back at work today. It seems strange that the vacation is over. I know what people mean by the "geographic cure"--the phrase used to describe the idea that one can escape problems by moving to a new place, instead of changing thoughts and behavior. This wasn't a "cure" but just a change of scenery and pace. It was a great time, and now it's back to the reality of email, reports, memos, and just living life.

It always seems surreal to leave one world where everything is so simple and far removed from the pressures that we live and to drive back into another world where there are definite deadlines and commitments. But no matter where one goes, life is happening. I talked with the watermen who are struggling to make a living with diminishing resources. Their life may seem simple to me, but it's hard and real for them.

I know there's no such thing as a geographic "cure". But just maybe changing external conditions refresh and affect mood. There sure is a lot to recommend a brief break from the usual routine. This vacation was about seeing some places that made me reflect, relax, and re-tune. A change of scenery is an invigorating experience. And it made me appreciate all that I have right here and that "here" isn't such a bad place to be.

Crashed

My hard drive crashed at work. It not only took a nose dive but it literally jumped off Mt. Everest. No other computers even recognize that it exists so the IT staff are sending it off to an outfit that can hopefully work magic and get back all of my files. We have a back up system but for some reason only a part of my hard drive was backed up. Like the commercial says, "Life comes at you fast".

Now that I'm back on land and this has happened, I'm ready to get back to sea. Maybe I'm running. That's a possibility for sure. Just not wanting to face up to a lot of things right now. I've got that restless feeling that tells me that I'm not fitting into my own skin well and something is eating at me. Maybe it's feeling overwhelmed from being back. Maybe it's being tired still. Maybe it's the damn hard drive. Maybe it's my relationship with my SO. Maybe it's because I did a draft outline for my anniversary sharing. For whatever reason, I'm not accepting life on life's terms very well today.

I'm not sure where the unrest is coming from, just that it's there. I feel as if I have unfinished business that I need to complete and things that need to be put right in my soul. I know that my internal hard drive isn't broken entirely. I'm hoping that it just needs a reboot.

Making decisions

I've been thinking about a lot of things in the last few days. Being laid up with a stomach bug gives you lots of time to think about where you are in life and where you really want to be. I've mostly gone along over the years with all kinds of things, never really allowing myself to think about the things that I wanted to do. Now, I'm finding that there is a whole new world available to me and I'm beginning to see that I don't want to waste time getting to that new world. I've thought about my marriage and wonder whether it is salvagable. I've thought about my possessions and wondered if I could just walk away from them. I've thought about my career and whether it's time for a drastic change.

Things seem exciting for the first time in a long while and I am wanting to not hang back this time and let life pass me by. I know in my heart that I really want to live alone, be my own person, get up when I want to, go to bed when I like, eat what I fix, and do nothing or do something. It's hard though to make the break from all the ties that bind me to home and job. I now understand why people just walk away from everything and move to a different place, get a new name, and start over. I'm too committed to run though so I'll have to work through this the hard way--by thinking through options and making decisions. Some of these decisions are going to rock my world and those around me. I'm not going to rush into doing anything drastic yet but I can feel that the time is coming for some choices. Maybe it's the program and recovery, but things are definitely much different than they were a year ago.