Low down side

I feel as if I am behind in everything and have little enthusiasm to get much done. I suppose this is my low down side coming out.

I am going through most normal activities this week, but realize that I am dead tired from the trip south.  It must be catching up with me now.  I haven't had much down time since I got back, so I took today as an opportunity to have a nap in the afternoon.  I don't feel much better, but at least I know that I was home and got some rest.

I have been to some incredible meetings over the last few days.  Things that I heard were a reminder of how lives that have been all but ruined can be turned around.  I wonder then why I am feeling this emptiness right now.  One of the things that I do know is that tonight I will do those things that make me feel better: have a good dinner, read, meditate, and get more sleep.  Tomorrow is a chance to start afresh.

My low down side doesn't come out much.  And it passes just as quickly as it comes.  It is nothing to fear, I know.  And I think about this:

I saw grief drinking a cup of sorrow and called out, 'It tastes sweet, does it not?' 'You've caught me,' grief answered, 'and you've ruined my business. How can I sell sorrow, when you know it's a blessing? ~Rumi

This being human is a guest house

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing,

and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

~ Rumi

Respite

It was a good day yesterday spent taking an old classic sailboat down the coast to a boat yard for surveying.  The potential buyer is coming in today.  Hopefully, the old boat will have a new owner and be restored back to her former glory.  She is a gem that was custom built in 1978 at the Cheoy Lee yard in Shanghai for a former Navy Captain and his wife.  She was sailed throughout the Pacific and then over to the East coast where she was owned by a gentleman who can no longer give her the TLC that she needs.  Yesterday, she moved like a dream, and we all enjoyed feeling the sturdiness of this boat as she was underway.

Last night, calls of confusion came in from my wife's mom.  She was saying that there had been a party and all her china was broken, she hadn't had anything to eat all day, and no one was home.  Jessica, the caregiver, called to tell us that Mom was having a bad day.  Some days she is perfectly lucid and others days she isn't.

An older friend told my wife that some caregivers abuse their patients, slamming them into wheelchairs and slapping them.  We know that Jessica and Brad are great people and treat Mom with love.  And we stop by often to see her.  I suppose that there are those who just reach the end of their rope with taking care of others, whether it's the elderly, the physically and mentally disabled,  or low bottom alcoholics.  We are supposed to have compassion, but the human psyche can only take so much stress.

Sadly, the number of people who have caregiver burnout is increasing as more caregivers take on the job without getting the help they need, or try to do more than they are able to--physically or financially.  Those who are burned out experience fatigue, stress, anxiety and depression which sometimes can result in wanting to hurt those for whom they are caring.

I think that living with active alcoholism has the effect of burnout.  All the positivity of a life can become filled with anger and frustration.  Feeling that there is no one to turn to, no one to share the secret with can create such isolation that life seems hardly worth living.  And the alcoholic is likely feeling the same way--isolated, ashamed, lonely, desperate, filled with loathing.  More than one person gets lost to the disease when there is no respite from it.

We all need breaks from whatever stressful activity we are doing.  I needed it when I was working so I would take vacation days.  We give the caregivers a break by either staying there ourselves or bringing in temporary help.  And I give myself a respite now and then for no particular reason by spending a shining day on the water on an old boat.  Just keeping things in balance. It really helps.

Working on love

Yesterday, C. and I got up early and went for a long walk.  The temperature and humidity are starting to be bearable.  We took three dogs with us who had a great time sniffing, leaving pee mail, and cavorting.

After the walk we went for a sail.  I haven't just sailed to be sailing about for a while.  Generally, there is a destination.  But I think that having a few hours every Wednesday, regardless of weather, to go sailing is a good idea.  It was a lovely breezy day, making the whole experience a delight.  After that we cooked dinner on the boat and then headed home. We were both asleep by 10:30 PM which is early for me.

I don't think that we could have gotten through the day without a lot of angry words a few years ago. Although we still have a long way to go,  I think that our love has deepened over time.  I can see progress in trusting, not isolating, not blaming, and knowing how to express our feelings.  I still want to draw her closer when she withdraws. 

I understand though that there has to be balance in a relationship.  I can see that we are becoming more balanced and that emotional detachment doesn't scare me as much as it used to.  Some of us are capable of great, fierce love.  Others love the only way that they know how.  I have learned that my insecurities about how to love and being loved don't have to be a struggle.

I hear a friend tell me that he is starving for love.  He loves his wife but cannot take the emotional withdrawal and self-absorption of the dry drunk alcoholic.  Their views of love don't match.  He believes his wife loves him but doesn't know how to express love in a mature way.  He wants balance in the relationship and an equally loving partner. It may or may not happen.

Living with an alcoholic can be so lonely.  My choice was to take care of myself and not try to make the other person fulfill all my emotional needs.  The most important question for me became, "Do I love myself?" I am still working on that.
 

Demanding or gracious

I know that depending on the situation I can either be demanding or gracious. Sometimes I wonder whether I can even be demandingly gracious. For so many years I exacted a demanding toll on myself. I did not cut myself or anyone else any slack.

And there are still moments when I find myself in that same role. It happens less and less, but I know that there are certain degrees of slackness that I find hard to let go.

I realize that I was trying so hard to bring order into a life that was filled with disorder. By being demanding of myself and others I thought that I could create peace. It makes me sad to think of the barriers that I created with others.

I know that I fall short of meeting my own demands. And it is obvious that others will not follow what I want. I can accept that and not use the opportunity to brow beat someone or shame them. It is a fact that I do not have the answers for others.

So when I feel the indignation of unmet demands rising in me, the question becomes "How am I going to respond?" I have choices on whether to react in self-pity or anger; retaliate and make a bad situation worse; or respond in a sincere manner in which I let others go about their business. That is the gracious part that comes in recovery. And it is by the grace of my Higher Power that I have a good life today.

"What usually happens? The show doesn't come off very well. He begins to think life doesn't treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well?" from Alcoholics Anonymous

A weekend of stuff

It was not a great weekend here weather wise. Instead of snow, there was torrential rain. The storm drains downtown overflowed, streets were filled with 2 feet of water and fecal matter and toilet paper floated down the main shopping street.

I do live on a mile long dirt road (one of the redneck criteria, even though I don't have other credentials for redneckedness) and it was filled with deep gullies where the road bed had washed away. Sheet flow occurs across the road because of rain running off the fields and flowing into drainage ditches that can't hold all the water. Anyway, it was an adventure going and coming. Thank goodness for a pickup truck (OMG-another trademark of a redneck!).

Anyway, I went to the boat to check up on things there after the rain passed by. It was cold and windy. I put some weatherstripping around the foreward hatch, got a hot shower, and then went to an open AA meeting on Saturday evening. It was a God moment when a young teenager with a week of sobriety won the raffle with a Big Book and As Bill Sees It. I've heard that coincidence is just God's way of being anonymous. I like that idea.

On Sunday, the man who hired me for this job years ago died. He was a gentle man and a gentleman, traits that are not as prevalent today. He and I finished up a book together last year. I'm grateful to have been given the opportunity to work with him for these many years. He was active and still came into the office every day until the last couple of weeks. And he had plans for another book. It was a life well lived.

Today is the start of Christmas week. I'm at an emotional low today but realize that this too shall pass. Tonight is my home group meeting. I need a good dose of Al-Anon along with a shot of Step Three and a dash of Tradition 12. That's a powerful concoction.

Fears

This is the second part of a workshop. This one is on fears which happens to be a big one for me, especially when it comes to relationships. Here are some suggestions for dealing with fear:

1. I find that I've dealt with my fear of abandonment and rejection by talking to my sponsor; going to meetings and working with newcomers; and by remembering that this is a spiritual program. I can get through a lot with God's help and by praying to follow His will.

2. When full of fears and doubts, I find that the Serenity Prayer and slogans are a big help. The Serenity Prayer can be my mantra and eases my obsessing thinking. "Easy Does It" is a great slogan that tells me to slow down, to not expect too much, to take time to reflect on the ideas, aims, and goals of the program. I also like "How Important Is It?" which tells me to stop obsessing over the little things.

3. I have reaped what I have sown in so many ways. I started out life with hope, faith, and confidence. Gradually, the insidious doubt, fear, and despair crept in. I now have the right stuff from the Twelve Steps to ask for help from my Higher Power and from others. I know how to dispel fear and stay spiritually and emotionally fit.

4. My ability to fight fear may be one day at a time or sometimes, hour by hour. I have learned to sort out my worst fears and face them squarely. By facing them, I discover that I have already lived through most of them. Worry only seems to enlarge them.

5. All fears can be vanquished by vigilant effort. Life without fear is a heavenly blessing and the whole world is a different place when I have peace of mind. I can have freedom from fear if I choose to follow the program as it gradually unfolds, practice the steps more honestly and make a decision to trust in my Higher Power. Because I am only human, I will falter and the fear will return, but courage to try again and faith in my Higher Power will conquer these fears.

6. Learn to relax. Learn to listen. and Learn to laugh. Put these into daily practice and many of my fears will flee.

7. My fears are mostly unfounded and magnified. I have the courage to face it, sort it out and acknowledge it and if it is the worst, I am at the bottom the only way to go is up.

8. Faith helps me to face up to my distrust, my defects and my reality. If I close myself off from faith, then the fears take hold. "Fear knocked at the door. There was no one there."

9. If I tell my fears by sharing my story, I am exposing them. I have learned to laugh at many things that once made me cry. If I share my experience, strength and hope and am generous with my past, I am helping others. I won't let pride, fear or shyness hold me back. If I give away what I have then I will be better for it.

10. The worst thing about fear is that each time I allow myself to become prey to it, it makes it easier to succumb a second or third time until fear becomes entrenched. The solution is to face it, analyze it, and pursue it until I determine the worst that could happen. I find that working with my sponsor is helpful. I have confidence in him and know that he he has faced many fears as well. Once I face the fear and pursue it to the end, I can go onward. Each time I do this, courage will replace the nameless fears.

11. When my calmness and serenity is broken by getting emotionally upset, I need to talk to someone in the program and talk it out. If I can stay calm and reach out, I will recover quicker. A quiet time alone with my Higher Power will often bring back my serenity. It will bring me the calm needed to make rational decisions.

It is up to me to think through my problems and find a solution that I can accept. It does me no good to panic or to obsess on something over and over. I have found that protesting a solution isn't productive. I need to hunt for the solution because there is one if I look hard enough. Sometimes, the solution is that I have to accept something I can't change. That isn't easy. It takes time and practice and courage.

Content

Today is one of those days when I feel content, at peace with myself and those around me, and filled with certainty that all is going according to a much greater plan than I could devise. These days aren't rare anymore, but they aren't always consistently present either.

I made a card for my wife and gave her a little present last night. Such little things made her happy. I think that we are both so grateful for the little things that we have now. I suppose that I am easily pleased these days. The times of being hyper-critical of myself and others are diminishing. Today I'm viewing that as a positive thing.

I am grateful that I don't pick apart every meal to find something unacceptable. I don't want to pick apart friends or companions with impossibly high criteria that will only widen a circle of isolation. I wonder how much perfectionism and high standards are really masks for not facing my own shortcomings.

My contentment stems from an understanding that perfectionism sets me at a distance from others. And that distance enhances my feelings of being different which leads down a treacherous path. As Mark Nepo writes: "The devastating truth is that excellence can't hold you in the night, and .......being demanding or sophisticated won't help you survive."

Instead I'm glad to find that contentment is not dependent on circumstances or other people. Instead, it depends on my outlook. Circumstances may color the world around me but joy comes from deep within. And the extraordinary is everywhere around me if I just take the time to look. A jewel can be as bright as a diamond or be the dew on morning grass. Music can be the sound that comes from a Stradivarius or the rain on the roof. Taste can be a five-star meal in a fine restaurant or a hot dog cooked over a camp fire.

It's all good today.

Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content.
—Helen Keller

Emotional immaturity

My new sponsee called me in the wee hours of the morning. He was trying to make a decision on whether to stay up and party or go to bed so that he could get to a job that he had to do in the morning.

My first thought is, "You have to be kidding me. You woke me and my wife up so that you could tell me that this was an upsetting decision to make." Then I realized that this sounds more like alcoholism than the "isms" of Al-Anon. (I've heard in meetings that these "isms" stand for I, Self, Me // I Sponsor Myself // Internal Spiritual Maladjustment)// Incredibly Short Memory // I Sabotage Myself).

I asked him if he had been drinking and he said that he had a glass of wine. He said that he guessed that his actions were childish. He is 30 years old and still getting money from his parents. Yep, this sounds childish to me: Either stay up and party and miss the work appointment or tell the partiers that I'm calling it a night so that I can work in the morning. Hmmmm....which one would I choose.

I think that I'm going to have to set some boundaries with him starting today. He and I are meeting up for our first discussion on Step One. I'm going to provide him with the 12 steps of sponsoring that I blogged about yesterday.

I understand that he has been a member of the AA fellowship but no longer attends meetings or has an AA sponsor. Based on the conversations that we've had over the phone, it seems that the disease of alcoholism may be alive and well.

I have to remember that although someone may be 30 years, 50 years or even older and sober, they may remain childish, grandiose, and emotionally immature. As Dr. Silkworth said, they may be an "outright mental defective" with all the anxieties, depression and fears bubbling up. I found the following statement about alcoholism to be insightful:
"I am maladjusted to life, in full flight from reality.......... As a going human concern, my natural state is .......exacerbated with and complicated by an obsessive, compulsive, impulsive, excessive, controlling, demanding need for attention, acceptance and unqualified approval. A condition of being which renders me restless, irritable and discontented with life.

Mentally, my thought life is controlled by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking and self-pity; all of which drive me to live my life according to selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, inconsiderate, resentful and frightened motives, motives which left unattended in me arouse and engage dangerous and life threatening levels of lust (I try not to make eye contact).

Pride, anger, envy, greed, sloth, gluttony, I turn into a pig, I want it all - that renders me emotionally a bit sensitive. Which means I have a strong tendency toward taking everything I see or hear personally. I don't like criticism and I'll be damned if I can stand praise (I don't believe you). When it comes to suffering emotionally, I don't like to suffer emotionally. I don't suffer well and I don't suffer alone.

Socially, I'm a bankrupt idealist and brooding perfectionist who lives defensively and guarded in fear of being found out. As such, I tend to rationalize, minimize, justify and deny all of my actions while casting blame upon innocent people in a vigorous attempt to avoid attention. When it comes to my fellow man and woman, I demand the absolute possession and control of everybody and every circumstance that enters my arena of life.

My response to you is that I am quick to anger, I'm slow to virtue, and I get a distinct and succinct delight and twisted pleasure out of judging and criticizing everybody I see. My outstanding characteristic is defiance, and rebellion dogs my every step. Now, as a child of God, that is a list of my finer qualities (anybody want a date?). You'll hear this at every meeting you go to, but from newcomers, this is how you hear them: "I don't fit in, I don't belong, I'm not a part of, my God what's wrong with me - I must be different." And the only thing that satisfies that restless, irritable, dissatisfied nature in me is alcohol or drugs......"-- Wayne B.

I think that I will print this out as well. I have a lot of these same shortcomings. I understand a lot of what is behind the desire to be in "full flight from reality". The difference is that I faced my reality every day and became crazier and crazier because of that. I think that he and I need to get honest with each other about expectations and what I am willing to do and not willing to do as a sponsor in Al-Anon. I sure know that I can't fix an alcoholic.

Communication

At the meeting last night a lady shared about how little communication there is with her husband. She said that since he got sober, he didn't talk. She said that talking about their children, their finances, and his sobriety were off limits.

Probably the saddest part that she related was that in going out for dinner at a restaurant, they would sit in silence with the only words spoken being those of the server. They've been married 42 years.

Sadly, I've watched people in restaurants where there was no communication. They sit and eat their meal without even glancing at each other. Or worse, they exchange a look of boredom or anger.

I know that scenario well. During the early days of my wife's sobriety, there wasn't much to say. We were both so angry that communication had a hard edge to it, if there was much to say at all.

My way of communicating with the alcoholic was a pattern that lingered on past its usefulness. Before I learned how to take care of myself, I would either keep quiet, or agree to something just to avoid conflict. And sometimes I would actually try to pick a fight when the resentment boiled over.

What I've since come to understand is that communication depends not so much by what I say but how I say it. The tone of my voice and my facial expression can either open up or slam the door. It's easy to communicate anger without taking responsibility for it. What's hard is to say how I feel with courtesy.

It's helpful that I have a program in which I've learned better ways to communicate what I need. I've learned to not force communication with someone but to listen and appreciate silence. The question of "when will she open up?" has been replaced with "Why do I so desperately need her to?" My happiness isn't based on another so I've learned that not every silence means lack of love or unhappiness.

In order to have communication, I have to allow those that I love to take their time. Maybe all I need to do is reach out my hand or say a simple "I love you." And sometimes I can just be still.

People like Jimmy

I just read on another blog about the suicide of a local fellow who had a sad existence. I know that there are a lot of Jimmy's out there. You and I probably know a person who is on the fringe of everything. Not someone that you can really reach. Maybe the person has a drug or drinking problem. Maybe the person is really hurting.

I know that I vacillate between wanting to reach out to someone who clearly is a mess and just leaving that mess alone. I've learned from the Al-Anon program to realize that I'm powerless over others. And that I didn't cause the problems of others, can't control them, and can't cure them. Yet, what about having basic human concerns?

For example, there's a fellow at work who smells of booze every day. He's been in and out of rehab a bunch of times. I don't know whether he goes to AA or not. I have worked in the same building with him for many years, know his ex-wife, know of his drinking problems but know nothing about what he thinks, what he likes to do or anything else that would give a glimpse at the real person. I would like to sit down with this guy and ask what's going on, yet I hold back. There are lots of reasons that come to mind about holding back: will I be rejected? Is this any of my business? Don't I just detach?

So how do we reach out a hand to someone like Jimmy? All of us are God's creatures no matter how miserable we look or how sick we are. Maybe the only thing that I can do is just pray for anyone who is troubled and just give them up to God.

What is healthy love?

I was reading a blog entry by Tab on learning to love in healthy ways. This was her Valentine's Day message:

Happy Valentines Day to all who are learning that love
is something healthy we deserve and can share between
each other as healthy healing adults...............everyday ~

What she wrote really hit me as I have made a mess of love through my codependent behavior. I went into my marriage hoping to change the person that I loved from being a depressed unhappy drinker. I had tried on and off for several years before my marriage to figure out why I was willing to put up with the outrageous behavior of my SO. I guess as Tab states, it was the rose colored glasses that I chose to wear. If I had felt better about myself, I doubt that I would have married then or perhaps ever. I know that I love deeply and haven't cut myself off my people through fear of getting close. What happens to me is that I love too much and hope that I am able to fill a lot of insecurities in my emotional well being through having the love of another person.

I still find that I am getting hurt when I try to demand too much in the relationship. I have dreams and thoughts that I want to see fulfilled but the other person doesn't have the ability to make those things happen. I know that I put too many emotional demands on others when I need to just love and trust myself. The whole revisited idea of "live and let live". The alcoholic has to work a selfish program, yet I am expecting to have a person who is basically incapable of providing it, supply me with some emotional needs that I am missing. What a messed up concept since I know that I am the only one who can fill those missing holes that exist in my heart. I wonder how many years and how much hurt it will take before I wake up and not have any expectations from another. I'm ready for it to stop and am hoping that I'll be able to love in a healthy undemanding way through the help of the program.