First world problems and my humanity

I haven't been a ball of fire lately.  My wife and I are feeling the fatigue that having viral bronchitis brought. And it has been raining just about every day. The rain started again this morning, coming down in sheets. Rainy days are relaxing. I didn't have anything that had to be done, although I did spend time reading and preparing for a course on sailing that I am teaching in September. And I took a nap in the afternoon, Tonight, my wife and I cooked dinner together. So it was a pleasant and generally relaxing day.

I am leaving to go on the boat tomorrow for a few days. It won't matter that the forecast calls for more rain.  If it rains, I will hunker down and read.  If the rain stops, I'll go for a long walk on the beach.  I don't think that I have had many bad days out on the water.

We are entering the dog days of summer now with humidity through the roof. Mushrooms are sprouting up in the yard.  And by tomorrow, the mile long dirt road leading to the tarmac will be nearly impassable. All my problems are definitely first world ones. Sometimes I feel awkward even writing about my life when there are so many that are suffering terribly all around the world and, shamefully, in this country that has so much.

I have friends whose worst problem is that their driveway at their second home didn't get paved on the day that they wanted it to be.  I know others who speak of the children coming into the U.S. from Central America as vermin and lice infested "illegals".   How is this possible?  When did the insensitivity to others and their plight happen?  Have we become so entitled that we don't see the ridiculousness in our complaints?

I know at one time, we were all innocent and trusting.  Sometime in this lifetime, people that I thought I knew became filled with hatred, bigotry and disgust towards others. And yet, many have animals that they profess to love. When did people lose their compassion for other human beings? Even if I find my own species to be difficult, pugilistic and destructive, I would not think of another person as vermin or not worthy of living.

We all have a story. And our lives are shaped by so many things. I can't begin to know what it feels like to wake up hungry each day, to not have enough water, to try to avoid being captured and killed, or bombed without warning. As I go about my day,  I will do my best to remember that I am one of the fortunate ones who hasn't lost my ability to help others or to care about what happens to people whose daily struggles are unimaginable. Thankfully, I still have my humanity.

“We're so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody's going to save something now. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. And the supreme arrogance? Save the planet! Are these people kidding? Save the planet? We don't even know how to take care of ourselves; we haven't learned how to care for one another. We're gonna save the fuckin' planet? . . . And, by the way, there's nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. The planet is fine. The people are fucked! Compared with the people, the planet is doin' great. It's been here over four billion years . . . The planet isn't goin' anywhere, folks. We are! We're goin' away. Pack your shit, we're goin' away. And we won't leave much of a trace. Thank God for that. Nothing left. Maybe a little Styrofoam. The planet will be here, and we'll be gone. Another failed mutation; another closed-end biological mistake.” ― George Carlin

“Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.” ― Dalai Lama XIV

About humility

I've had a busy time lately.  It seems that this is the season to do a lot of things, go to a lot of places, and see a lot of people.  And in all of this, I've been thinking about the importance of doing for others and the balance that requires.

I don't like to make Christmas about my getting things.  Instead, I like to think about what I am giving out to make things a little bit easier, happier for someone else.  Looking at my motives, it does make me uncomfortable to say that I want anything because I seem to have so much.  I've had a lot of material things all my life--a good home, good cars, enough money, a good education. Nothing extravagant but enough.

I've especially realized this past year that the way we live is way more comfortable than many.  And I've also realized that there is a whole other stratosphere out there where people really do spend a couple hundred thousand dollars on a wedding, or give a lover several hundred thousand to cover debts, or donate a couple of million to charities. I have been there first hand to see these things and realize that I am not comfortable among those who are among the upper 1%.

I don't want this to be a post about disparity in wealth but about humility. The people that I visit who are Hospice patients remind me how much I have.  I drove around yesterday to their homes, delivering Christmas cookies.  I felt sad that some live in houses that aren't so great. I wanted to give more to them than some cookies.  But the one thing that they seemed to have was happiness to see someone stop by and just talk a bit, spend some time with them, and wish them well.  I felt more at home with them than I do in the multi-million dollar homes.
 
I know that I haven't been humble for much of my life. In fact, I spent a lot of time being competitive, trying to be better than my peers at grant-writing, publishing, sports, etc.  When I was growing up, being average wasn't something that was encouraged. Both of my parents instilled in me that I was better than others in looks, brains, and ability.  I knew though that this wasn't really true.  I didn't believe what they said because I didn't think that I was special but actually lesser than average.

I didn't let on about those inner feelings though.  Instead, I worked hard to win. I worked hard to be somebody.  I worked hard to be better-than.  I wasn't boastful just determined to keep pushing ahead.  Inwardly, I was terrified but outwardly, I appeared to be a hard working success.  It was disingenuous at its best and down right fakery at its worst.

I have read that humility is about being teachable.  C. S. Lewis wrote: “True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less.”  And then there is this quote on ways to practice humility:

"To speak as little as possible of one's self.

To mind one's own business.

Not to want to manage other people's affairs.

To avoid curiosity.

To accept contradictions and correction cheerfully.

To pass over the mistakes of others.

To accept insults and injuries.

To accept being slighted, forgotten and disliked.

To be kind and gentle even under provocation.

Never to stand on one's dignity.

To choose always the hardest.” ~ Mother Teresa, The Joy in Loving: A Guide to Daily Living

I stumble over these things. I am curious by nature. I don't accept contradictions as gracefully as I would like. I don't like to be insulted or injured.  So I still fail at being humble.

I have learned though that I can mind my business and be okay. I can avoid being boastful.  I don't want to manage other people's lives. I am much kinder and gentler with others.  I know life isn't about winning or losing.  It's not about my having more things.  It's about what the inside of me feels like when I live each day.

Just a simple awareness of who I really am is humbling.  And I don't have to defend my position in order to be better than others.  Rather,  I want to be more useful to others.  And that is something that generates a lot of good feelings about me and living life.

An acknowledgment

I'm sure that some of you have been in a situation where you want to say "hello" to someone at a social gathering only to wait an interminable length of time before you're even recognized as standing there.  I recall a couple of those awkward moments.  The most memorable was when I was a young professional at a social gathering.  I saw my first thesis advisor and went over to say a few words. She was really a "star" in her field--the equivalent of a rock star in science.  My first published paper, in a highly prestigious journal, was inspired by aspects of her work.

Eventually, I decided to leave the main campus and transfer to the school of marine science where I completed my M.S. and Ph.D.  This meant that I no longer had her as my major advisor.  But we parted on friendly terms and years later, there she was.  I stood politely while she was talking to someone, waiting my turn to say "hello".  I stood there for over 15 minutes without so much as a eye flicker of acknowledgment of my presence.  I felt hugely uncomfortable and small as time dragged on.  Eventually, I began to inwardly fume.

In hindsight,  it was my shortcoming to accept the unacceptable and not simply wave at her and move away.  I stuck around, feeling as if I were a bother, and was critical of myself while building a resentment towards her.  That situation taught me a lesson that I still remember.  I no longer want to be around or cater to the inflated ego of someone.

Sadly, I've seen this kind of behavior at meetings as well.  Newcomers show up and seem to stand off at a distance, not really knowing what to do.  Or they may flee from the room quickly so that they don't interact with anyone.  It's hard to walk through the doors into a complete room of strangers and admit that you have a problem related to alcoholism in a loved one.  I know that I was sensitive to the critical scrutiny of others and worried a lot about being judged when I first started in Al-Anon.

I remain uncomfortable around people with inflated egos.  I like to introduce myself to newcomers and welcome them before or after the meeting.  I appreciate anyone who is genuine.

This week is my seventh Al-Anon anniversary.  I passed it doing what I wanted to do most--go out on the boat.  Next Monday, I will share my story at my home group.  I don't know what I'll say but hope that it will be something that is encouraging to those who are looking for comfort.  I feel a great deal of humility about where I am in life.  I'm happy to not be engrossed in self so much that I don't remember what it was like to first walk in the rooms, to be the newcomer, to be the one wanting to find a friendly smile and an acknowledgment of hope.

Unrealistic expectations

Some times I go to an Al-Anon meeting and I don't hear what I think I need to hear.   That happened to me last week.  I went to a meeting where one of the members was being critical and controlling.  It bothered me.  In fact,  I held onto the resentment for the better part of four days.  It was there over the weekend, turning over in my mind to diminish the otherwise happy holiday. 

And then last night,  I walked into a meeting in which I heard what I needed.  I didn't want to go to the meeting last night.  I was tired from the weekend.  I lay down on the bed and thought about taking a nap, yet I had the nagging feeling that I needed to get to the meeting.  So I threw on some pants and a shirt and went.

When I was walking to the door,  a lady that I know came up to me and said that she needed to hug me.  She started crying and said that her favorite brother had been taken off life support and was likely already dead.  Her tears and words made me realize that nothing is coincidental.  Sometimes I come to meetings with unrealistic expectations.  But if I come with my various needs and problems,  I can be assured that there will be someone there who will share words that will help me to get back on the right path, if I choose to listen.

My ego can block my ears and my heart.  I will instead spend time on judging and being critical, rather than focusing on compassion and acceptance.  Just because someone may not be doing things the way that I think they should be done, does not mean that I have to take their inventory and build a resentment.  It is easy to be critical and harsh.  That is what alcoholism has done to me.  It makes me want to isolate, blame others, and feed me lies about how I know more than others.

I know enough to realize that when I get in a critical and judgmental mindset then I have no spirituality going on.  I have nearly walked out of several meetings and actually did walk out of one.  I was mad at Al-Anon and mad at the stupid people in the meeting.  Thankfully, last night  I was able to get back on track with a good meeting on Step Seven.  I decided to close my eyes and "feel" the energy of the room.  I can tell you, I was a very different person than the one who showed up at that meeting.  I got what I needed and walked out with a lot of gratitude.

It is good for me to have a lesson in humility.  I have to let go of what I think things should look like and how I think things should go.  All I have to do is show up,  have willingness,  and an open mind.  I realize that the right people have been put in my path to help me to accept the hugs and have the experience of loving kindness.

What am I entitled to?

I was talking with a friend about the "sense of entitlement" that seems to permeate a lot of society today.  It's the narcissistic ego that tends to think that the world "owes" them something, and they intend to collect as soon as possible. Maybe you know someone who always wants more. Or who doesn't seem to appreciate what has been done.  There is no gratitude, no thanks.  These are the people who simply expect that they are the center of my world at all times.

I can remember my dad telling me that I was never satisfied.  I think that I was one of the kids who wanted something more, always searching for what I couldn't have.  I asked for a pony for years, and finally we got a dog that I loved.  The pony wish kept going until I had my own horse.  But I do remember being told not to whine or to pester.  My father didn't tolerate whining.  So perhaps that constrained the sense of entitlement to deserve what I want when I wanted it. 

I have worked for the things that I've achieved.  I never saw a different way.  There was no sense that I deserved something other than what I was working toward.  When it comes to my dealings with others, the whole sense of entitlement is a bit trickier.  With people I hold as acquaintances, I find that they deserve to be treated as I would like to be treated.  I see no point in being impatient or rude.  Instead I think that having compassion and humility are what help me to have a healthy and balanced sense of what I have and who I am. 

But I have also had an unhealthy sense of entitlement.  I have tried to control the alcoholics in my life so that they would do what I said.  That was because I thought I knew better than they did.  I also wanted them to shower me with affection when I didn't really show much affection to them.  Instead, I was filled with resentment.  I didn't get what I wanted when I wanted it. 

I'm glad to now have humility and to be grateful for what I have.  I receive many chances through God's grace to be a better person with the right sense of entitlement. I do believe that as long as I am able to love and respect myself then it is more likely that those things will be returned to me.

Fifth step

" For me the exact nature of our wrongs is the unspoken, self-defeating assumptions that give rise to my thoughts and actions. These include notions that my best is not good enough, that I am not worthy of love, and that I have been hurt too deeply to ever really heal. If I dig deeply enough, I usually find thoughts such as these beneath the things I feel worst about. I am learning to examine whether or not there is any truth to these assumptions. Then I can begin to build my life around a more realistic, more loving way of seeing myself." from Courage to Change

I am hearing one of my sponsees fifth step later today.  I find this to be so inspiring--the honor to be trusted to have someone confide in me.  I know that admitting the exact nature of my wrongs to myself, God and my sponsor confirmed that I not only had a lot of good in me but some bad as well.  I knew that after doing my fifth step, I could no longer ask God to forgive me for what I have done but will have to ask forgiveness of what I am about to do. 

I think that the fifth step really kick started the notion that I could love myself.  I realized that I wasn't a bad person.  I was beginning to feel what serenity really is. The journey of trusting my Higher Power and my sponsor became much clearer.  And I came to understand a feeling of humility that led me to much greater compassion and love.  

So we are going to go to the beach, sit on a blanket and just talk.  What a powerful thing to be surrounded by evidence of my Higher Power and to be sharing in the trust of another.

Humbly asked

I have a sponsee who seems to not quite comprehend what humility means. He insists that he is right about so much. He recants stories to me about how he lost his last job, only to carry the same argumentative, defensive behavior over into a new job. Even when there is no point in arguing, he likes to get the last word in.

I don't think that I fully understood humility either until I got the necessary emotional flailing that helped me to finally begin to see there was another way. For me, I had to experience enough discomfort with what I was doing that change became necessary. I wasn't going to be humble if I clung to arrogance and self-righteousness.

Humility is a precious thing because it goes hand in hand with gratitude and serenity. I had relied so long on my own self-sufficiency that it was difficult to let my defenses down enough to even think about being humble. But once I came to believe that I could no longer carry my life's burdens by myself, I was willing to have a new way of thinking that included humility.

Humility isn't a negative quality, and it doesn't equate to humiliation. For me, it is an awareness of my shortcomings balanced with a sense of pride in my achievements. I have decided that simple awareness of who I am is humbling.

I have used my isolation, my being better than or less than, and my fear to assign blame. I can see that my sponsee has the same thoughts. It is easier to blame others than to admit that I may have shortcomings. But none of that brought me any peace or greater understanding of happiness. I could not manipulate my way through life to get my way.

I am glad to have reached a place where I no longer have to constantly defend my position. Instead I see how I can be more useful to others. And that is something that generates a lot of good feelings about me and living life.

“Humbly’ means seeing myself in true relation to my fellow man and to God.” - Lois’ Story

Sick as your secrets

"You're only as sick as your secrets
The things you keep inside
The stories so awful, so hurtful ~ YOU think
The ones you choose to hide
The feelings you wall off and keep at bay
The past you regret each and every day
The memories you wish would never be
The stuff you hope no one ever sees
You're only as sick as your secrets
The longer you hide them you'll find
They'll rob you of joy and sanity
They'll drive you right out of your mind
They'll keep you from living life to the full
They'll tug at your heart, push and pull
You apart ~ like a puzzle, piece by piece"

I have heard that we're only as sick as our secrets. I've been wondering about what secrets have done in my life. I know that I tried to keep a secret about my father's drinking when I was younger. And in my marriage I did what I could to keep it a secret that my wife drank and that we had problems in our marriage. For some illogical ego-driven reason, I wanted us to be the "perfect" couple.

I can remember that when we first moved to our current jobs many years ago, I thought that this would be a chance to have a "new" life. We could "start" over. Now I know that the geographic cure only is temporary and that wherever I go, I bring myself.

I felt a tremendous safeness when I did my fifth step. It was the first time that I had unburdened and loosened up all the secrets. I realize that every day I can speak truth because when I believed Step Two, I believed that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. I have had to come to the realization yet again that sanity for me means that I let others think and do whatever they need to think and do. It's none of my business.

I never let anyone do anything to me that I wasn't complicit about. I went along with the program. I let the alcoholics hurt me, take my self esteem lower, leave my mind in turmoil. That was done with all my cooperation.

I know and do believe that living a spiritual life is necessary for me to regain my self. Honesty is a huge part of this program. Being honest is not an easy thing to do sometimes, it can be frightening, and sometimes painful. But without it I will not only hurt those I care about but will hurt myself worse. When I chose to do the steps, I looked forward to getting rid of secrets and to break the logjam in my head that told me to keep things to myself.

But what do I do when others in my life decide that they want to hold onto their secrets? I suppose that the fairy tales that I read have led me to believe that if I share my innermost thoughts to another, then they would do the same with me. The secrets are really a barrier that prevents closeness, enhances inadequacy, and keeps me selfish.

My own self-disclosure was humbling. But just as I am powerless over alcoholism, reality is that even those closest to me don't have to tell me their secrets just because I want them to.

There are people that I love who have left a mark on me that hasn't gone away. They have provided a mirror on my own being so that when I looked in their eyes I found parts of myself. And then there are those who I haven't seemed to connect with or engage my being with no matter how much I stayed open or made them feel safe. And now I wonder what they needed and if they will ever find it anywhere. I think that those are the people with whom I only received a tiny piece of their being and will look back and wonder what if they had given more.

What I do know is that we aren't so different from each other. It's just that somewhere one person is willing to step up at a crucial moment and break the silence, share the secrets, and become whole. I don't want to be the one alone who suffers in silence.

I still think that my relationship would become more open if others were willing to share their painful secrets. I now know that secrets have kept me sick for a long time. Being willing to listen, share and be well is a better option.

. . in silence might be the privilege of the strong, but it was certainly a danger to the weak. For the things I was prompted to keep silent about were nearly always the things I was ashamed of, which would have been far better aired . . .
—Joanna Field

Overthinking

I passed my cruising certification with a good dose of humility. The practical part was relatively easy, but the written test was more difficult. I think that I have always over thought questions, even when I was taking tests in college and graduate school. I tend to see the question from different angles, second guess myself and get hung up.

It's been over a year since I took any kind of test (the first sailing certification test last year). Maybe my brain just doesn't work as well as it used to but when faced with multiple choice questions, I tend to go into over analysis. And the questions I missed were ones that I over thought.

I tend to do that over thinking with a lot of things in life. I certainly have over thought relationships and second guessed the meaning behind words and actions: She said "A" but maybe she really means "B". You know that kind of thinking that drives me and everyone else nuts. It's the "what if" scenarios that I'm setting up and reading more into something than is there. In short, as my father would say, I'm making things difficult for myself. Over thinking doesn't give me any clarity but instead clogs my thinking with negativity.

And then there is the "This sounds right and looks right so I'm just going to do it" kind of thinking. It means that I move ahead and devil take the hind most. It doesn't work that well on tests either as I'm either not reading the question right or am rushing through and not thinking clearly. This approach leaves many wrong turns in life and wrong answers on tests.

I think that the best thinking comes in the context of reality when I don't necessarily follow totally along logical lines but "gestalt" things a bit and keep my head and heart in alignment. I'm just thankful I don't have to take any more tests anytime soon!

"Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind.
Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must
feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines."
lyrics from Tool off Lateralus.

Step Five and trusting

"Some people seek an easier and softer way by doing a "general confession" to God alone. They are not about to name specifically the humiliating, "awful" things they have done out loud before another human being. But this act of specifically confessing things is what often leads to serenity. The more afraid you are to tell about a certain act or thought in your Fifth Step, the more likely it is that confessing that particular thing will put a new crack in your denial and free you in a new area. There doesn't seem to be an easier, softer way, and people who seek one apparently don't understand the tenacious and tricky nature of this spiritual disease we are facing. Step Five is to help us see, to grasp, to understand specifically how the disease has permeated our lives in ways we usually cannot see any other way."
- A Hunger for Healing, p. 91-92

Step Five is about trust and about forgiving myself. After I had done my third and fourth steps, I began to realize that I wasn't a bad person. Yes, I had made bad decisions and had a ton of resentment. I knew that I had been deeply affected by alcoholism from childhood on. But I also came to realize that I could become whole again and manage to feel alive with the help of my Higher Power, one day at a time.

I trusted my sponsor and what I heard in Al-Anon that I would have a joyous life if I would deal with my past. Serenity really began to enter my life after the fifth step. By telling the truth to another human being, I felt accepted and experienced true humility for the first time. With this humility came spirituality and a new sense of purpose.

I knew that I had been so lonely and crying out on the inside since I was a child. I just didn't know how to bring people closer to me. To try and fill that need I have done some really insane things. I have heard that we are filled with a huge hole in our psyche from alcoholism. Only God can fill up that hole.

So my sponsor and I agreed on a day to do my fifth step. We spent several hours one afternoon just talking. The program speaks of the "exact nature" of our wrongs, and I understood that I had to be exact and not hedge or be vague. I talked about my resentments, my anger, my insane anxieties. And the "exact nature" of my wrong seemed to point to my fear of rejection and abandonment.

I possess a large number of defects of character, the exact nature of which I have learned through getting down to the nitty-gritty and avoiding bland generalities like "I am selfish. I am resentful. I am dishonest".

I got a lot from doing this fifth step. By trusting another and my Higher Power, I felt a burden lifted and a release. I had finally told another person things that I had never told anyone else. And that brought a sense of freedom, tranquility, serenity, and peace within myself. I have gotten better self-knowledge--another term, as I see it, for humility. I have gotten a deeper, surer, more grateful sense of living.

The final Tradition: Number 12

Whew, finally made it to Tradition 12. I've enjoyed doing this writing on the traditions of Al-Anon. It has helped me to clarify some of my thoughts. This tradition is one of my favorites.

Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles above personalities.

The principle here is respect. The tradition teaches me that I need to have humility and practice selflessness. Everyone in the fellowship is equal, responsible for themselves and entitled to respect. Selflessness helps me to be of maximum use to others.

There is no room in our primary purpose for ego, pride, arrogance, selfishness, or unwillingness. There is however a lot of room for gratitude, humility, willingness, love, forgiveness, understanding, joy, and freedom.

This tradition is also about humility. No one need be treated special or as someone's HP because when that occurs it is a certainty that the human who is deified will demonstrate clearly that they are not the God of my understanding. This means that we are all equal at a meeting. No one person's hurt is greater than another and no one's wisdom is greater than another. How much education you have or how successful you are or how rich you are has no bearing on what you can get from or what you can contribute to the program.

Meetings aren't the place to trot out our egos. I've seen people hurt by personalities taking precedence over principles. What this tells me is that if we are busy giving advice and not listening or busy arguing with each other, who then is concentrating on recovery? If we are busy gossiping, judging, or setting ourselves up as someone's HP, who is missing our experience, strength and hope? Maybe a good thing to consider about Tradition 12 is that if I am humble, then I won't be too full of myself, will keep gratitude in mind and actually T.H.I.N.K.

T houghtful
H onest
I ntelligent
N ecessary
K ind

Essentially, we leave "what we are" at the door and walk in as "who we are".

Tradition Ten: Outside issues

The Al-Anon Family Groups have no opinion on outside issues; hence our name ought never be drawn into public controversy.

The principle for this tradition is clarity of purpose. And along with this tradition, members learn to be unbiased, avoid controversy, and have humility.

This means that my view on any given subject can and may differ from that of any member of the group. Our differing views do not change our equality, nor do we need to convince anyone that our view is the right one, particularly in a meeting or public forum.

Meeting are a place where the focus is on my experience using the steps and traditions. They aren't a place for me to take a stand on politics, religion, or any outside subjects. Meetings are a place where we join together with individuals that we might not agree with outside of the program.

I have found that I need to practice this principle when I work with sponsees. I need only share my experience and not voice my opinion or be influenced by any preconceived notions that I may have. Doing this can be a spiritual challenge.

As Al-Anon's preamble to the twelve steps and traditions says, "Al-Anon is not allied with any sect, denomination, political entity, organization or institution. It does not engage in any controversy, neither endorses nor opposes any cause. If this tradition is followed, it works to keep the fellowship as a whole from engaging in public controversy, but the principal can also be applied to "all the affairs" of individual members.

Within the context of relationships, I believe this means that I'm careful about my opinions and rely on "live and let live". I do my best to avoid heated controversy. For example, if Al-Anon members apply this tradition to their lives then someone else's recovery -- or more importantly, lack of recovery -- becomes an outside issue, allowing them to "detach" from the problems of others and focus on their own recovery process.

I know that I've had many opinions over the years. In fact, I can be quite opinionated about things that I'm passionate about. And it's easy to have my opinions move into taking a self-righteous stand. This tradition is important because it reminds me that I don't have to be worked up over the opinion of another.

One of the things that I've heard in the fellowship is "Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy". If I carry my point about my "right" opinion, it doesn't make other people happy and generally makes me feel badly.

Oh sure, I could do a lot of work on a topic and try to convince someone else that my way is the right way based on the facts I've gathered. That's kind of what we do in science! But in the program, I don't need to defend myself to prove that I'm right. I can just let it be. I heard some wise words: " if I'm right, it doesn't need defending; if I'm wrong, it can't be defended, and in either case, the only defense I ever need is God's."

Pieces of Eight

Tradition 8: Al-Anon Twelfth Step work should remain forever non-professional, but our service centers may employ special workers.

The principle of this step is equality and the traits are guidance, sharing and humility.

This tradition is important for the health of our meetings. It means to me that each member is equal and should remain so, with no one setting him/herself above another as teacher, adviser, or in some other non Al-Anon capacity.

The 8th Tradition insures that anytime a newcomer reaches out for help, he will receive it, free of charge. Members freely share their own experience, strength, and hope with the newcomer and by doing so, help themselves by reinforcing their own recovery in the process.

The word "nonprofessional" means that I interact in a way that neither affirms nor implies that I am something other than a person in recovery just like others who come to Al-Anon. It means that if I need professional help then I should go where such help is available--outside Al-Anon.
I must also avoid taking a "professional" or know-it-all attitude. In the final analysis, personal opinions are just that - personal. Neither of us is a certified expert on alcoholism, the twelve steps, sex, marriage, medicine, child psychology, spirituality, or humility.

Unfortunately, this tradition isn't always practiced at some meetings. I've heard advice given to people not to take medication for depression or a bi-polar condition. This is not only contrary to this tradition but is dangerous advice. It isn't a good idea to play doctor or therapist where medications or relationships are concerned. A friend who is a psychiatrist asked me not long ago when I was telling him about the "experts" in meetings, "And how many people have they killed with such advice?" Good question.

I know that I have leaned hard on my sponsor more than once to give advice on relationships. But I have a wise sponsor who tells me to keep the focus on myself. I do not know what is best for another person. We should each be free to ask for outside professional help, but never set ourselves up as professionals nor set another up as a professional to us, and that includes sponsors.

The 8th Tradition is one that reminds me that what I am to do in meetings is talk about my experience, not my opinion; not give advice, but try to give hope. If I do make suggestions, they should be spiritual in nature rather than advice about actions to take. Thankfully, I don't hear much "therapy" in meetings. I want to remember that Al-Anon has a spiritual approach and that is how the message is carried.

I also need to realize that I am not an expert on the workings of Al-Anon but simply do service work as needed. We have no paid staff but volunteers in this district. Just for today, it is a good idea for me to stick close to the message of Al-Anon as I encounter it in my home group and at others.

(Check out Steve's blog Another Sober Alcoholic for the AA perspective on this tradition. We're collaborating to bring you our thoughts on the traditions that bind us together in harmony).

Calm Saturday

It's a quiet and calm Saturday. I like the early morning when not even the birds are up. There's no wind, no rustling of branches, no ripples on the water.

I don't have much planned for the day. I haven't decided whether to go out on the boat or not. Right now, I just feel like being still and enjoying the silence around me.

I think that this road of self-discovery that I'm on has many different avenues. I started out thinking that inner peace and serenity were the destination. Concentrating on myself is a path that I'm traveling, but I've found that my connection with the world and my fellow human beings has been heightened too. Sometimes I tend to get too wrapped up in the sorrows of the world. That's where my heart "thinking" comes in. As long as I have my head and heart in sync then I feel more balanced. And I find that I'm walking this road of recovery with an increased sense of humility, acceptance and wonder.

Hope that you are traveling the road that takes you to where you want to be this Saturday.

Good news

I heard from the insurance adjuster yesterday. Blue is fixable and has been towed to the body shop where the work will be done. I'm really glad about this. She is a great car, and I'd just as soon not have to buy another right now.

I remember reading about Shadow's much loved car after the accident. I guess that I also get attached to the familiar--to those "things" that I have. I'm not a creature who likes to toss aside those inanimate things that are familiar. I'm a sucker for animals and would have a herd if I could. And I'm a soft touch for people too.

Maybe all this is the "fixer" in me. I don't want to give up on things, animals or people. I want to make things right. That's been a life long issue. I recognize that I'm powerless. And I fully accepted with the car accident that Blue was likely to be totaled. So when I heard from the adjuster, I was glad to have good news.

I'm grateful for being on the mend with my cold. I still sound bad and am stopped up. But I can tell that this too shall pass.

Thanks for all your kind comments. An accident, an anniversary, Thanksgiving, and a cold in a week has been a good dose of humility.

Sometimes when you least expect it...

Sometimes when you least expect it, you get a break. After all the frenzy of yesterday, I'm relieved that I have a safe place for my boat and that currently TS Hannah isn't forecast to be as bad as originally thought. Even on its course for NC, it doesn't appear to be more than a Category 1 storm. I'm hoping that's the case.

I had a feeling of disquietude much of yesterday. Perhaps it was having too much to do in too short a period of time, but I think that it also related to not wanting to make a lot of decisions. I simply didn't want to have my routine disrupted.

I’m not exactly a totally routine-driven person, but I have found that I like to set my own routine and not have it set by forces that are out of my....CONTROL. Yep, I think that the old control meter was probably out of whack yesterday. So maybe what has happened is that I've gotten settled into a routine in my head and program.

I've come a long way from the early painful struggles about detachment. I've enjoyed many of the benefits of recovery. I attend meetings and know the ideas of Al-Anon. And all this looks really good on the outside, but maybe my spirit has gone a little flat as of late. Maybe I've talked myself into thinking that I'm doing better than I actually am.

I've read that when the inside feeling does not match our outside appearance, we need to become vulnerable again. Every now and then, it's good to look at things with total humility and really remember that regardless of how well I can talk the talk or want to look and sound good, there are moments when I'm not being genuine with my feelings.

I think that I need to step back, think about all the good things in my life, be grateful for them, and acknowledge those things that are still painful. In short, I need to get back to being genuine with myself and my HP. I need to remember that this is a program of life and that I simply need to get in touch with my feelings and be open to all the possibilities without trying to control the outcome. It's like getting back to feeling the program from within and being honest with myself. I think that maybe if I let God do the worrying, I'll feel a lot better.

Spontaneity is the quality of being able to do something just because you feel like it at the moment, of trusting your instincts, of taking yourself by surprise and snatching from the clutches of your well-organized routine a bit of unscheduled pleasure.
--Richard Lannelli

End of the first part

I completed the first part of the course today. There were man overboard drills which were a challenge in a 20 knot breeze. There were intermittent rain showers too.

This course has made me realize the things that I didn't know. It is a humbling experience in many ways. It covers the more technical aspects of sailing, rather than just heading for a destination. There were a few moments today that I felt discouraged that I wasn't doing everything perfectly. The instructor is a college kid who is half my age. That's the old ego coming back. And it's a big character defect because it causes me to beat up on myself and compare my abilities to another.

So I decided that it wasn't important that I was doing things perfectly but that I was listening and watching and doing my best to follow directions. The instructor, regardless of his youth, is professional and knowledgeable and amazingly patient. That made the day much more enjoyable.

There's more sailing through Sunday for the second part of the course. Once completed and if my skills are sufficient, I'll receive a certification. I'm glad that I'm taking this course. And I'm looking forward to trying out some of these new skills on my own boat.

More practice, less analysis

I have to admit that I'm not a slouch in the brains department. But sometime over the past ten years my focus on intellectualism got diverted. It didn't seem important to keep up an intellectual appearance. I think that I became more and more humble as a listlessness pervaded me while dealing with my alcoholic and a marriage that was going no where. Hell, I felt as if I were going no where too. Not growing, not doing anything but putting one foot in front of the other.

Now I have a sponsee who intellectualizes everything. I recognize an earlier version of myself before my ego was crushed. I'm wondering how to reach this 24 year old person and get past the academic facade. He talks, I talk, I listen and he talks some more. But the talk seems to be a parroting of what one would read in a book. In other words, it doesn't seem sincere or ring true.

This is a thinking program no doubt, but I believe that the feeling part of the program is the most powerful aspect. I can read daily readers, I can read How Al-Anon Works but until I am ready to listen and am willing to let my ego stop running things, then I'm just going to be regurgitating words from a book.

An AA friend of mine calls this "analysis paralysis". I think that is an appropriate description. This is a simple program but no one ever said it was an easy program. Just become willing, get honest, and have a dose of humility. It works wonders.

No assholes allowed

It was a beautiful weekend, one that held that promise of spring being just around the corner. I took advantage of the weather to take Compass Rose to one of the deserted islands along the coast. Besides walking on the beach and having a great campfire on Saturday night and morning, there isn't much else to do but sleep, eat and read. For the latter, I took along Robert Sutton's book, The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn’t.

It's an interesting read. I think that I found it particularly enlightening because Sutton comes from academia and isn't a lawyer, a CEO, or Hollywood celebrity. He's a Ph.D. and professor in the Dept. of Engineering at Stanford. One of the things that he lists is how to spot an asshole. Here's his dirty-dozen list of everyday asshole actions:

1. Personal insults

2. Invading one’s personal territory

3. Uninvited personal contact

4. Threats and intimidation, both verbal and non-verbal

5. Sarcastic jokes and teasing used as insult delivery systems

6. Withering email flames

7. Status slaps intended to humiliate their victims

8. Public shaming or status degradation rituals

9. Rude interruptions

10. Two-faced attacks

11. Dirty looks

12. Treating people as if they are invisible

If you recognized yourself in any of these, then maybe this book is for you. But a few slips, doesn't make you a certifiable asshole. It has to be continuity in these traits that makes you one of those.

I liked the section on how to avoid being an asshole. Here's a summary of what Sutton has to say:

1. Face your past. The past is a very good predictor of future behavior. For example, were you a bully in school? If your parents and siblings were assholes, you may have caught the disease. Knowing that you’re an asshole is the first step towards change.

2. Do not make people feel oppressed, humiliated, de-energized, or belittled. If you find yourself having these effects, it’s time to change your behavior no matter what you think of yourself.

3. Do not mistreat people who are less powerful than you. One of the sure signs of an asshole is treating people who are in less powerful positions in a degrading manner.

4. Resist assholeholics from the start. The easiest time to avoid becoming an asshole is at the very beginning. Don’t think that you can do “what you have to” to fit in and can change later. It won’t happen.

5. Walk away and stay away. Don’t be afraid to leave a bad situation. It’s unlikely you’ll change the assholes into good people; it’s much more likely that you’ll descend to their level.

6. View acting like an asshole as a communicable disease. If you have any sense of decency, when you’re sick, you avoid contact to prevent spreading the disease. So if you act like an asshole, you’re not just impacting yourself; you’re also teaching other people that it’s okay to be an asshole.

7. Focus on win-win. Children (young and old) think that the world is a zero-sum game. If another kid is playing with the fire truck, you can’t. As people get older they should realize that life doesn’t have to be a win-lose proposition--unless, that is, you’re an asshole.

8. Focus on ways you are no better or even worse than others. Thinking that you’re smarter, faster, better looking, funnier, whatever than others turns people into assholes. Thinking that you’re no better or even worse keeps you humble.

9. Focus on ways you are similar to people, not different. If you concentrate on how you and others have similar goals, desires, and passions, you’re bound to be less of an asshole. How can you treat people that are similar to you with disdain?

10. Tell yourself, “I have enough stuff (money, toys, friends, cars, whatever).” Discontentment and envy is a major factor in becoming an asshole. If you’re happy, there’s no reason to stomp on others.

I liked these and found that a lot of them seemed similar to the 12 steps. I won't comment on how to recognize that someone else is an asshole because if I recognize that, then doesn't that make me one?

Wrecked somedays

Some days I feel about like the old boat shown above: washed up, broken and sorely in need of TLC. It's the creaks and groans of getting older I suppose. Last night, I went to bed early for a change. My right knee locked up on me just before I left work. I've never had that happen before but it hurt if any weight was put on it. All the years of running may be taking their toll. Add on top of that the feeling like I was going to vomit after I got home and turning in early seemed like a no-brainer. It's amazing how much humility I feel when I'm physically wrecked.

Thankfully, whatever my physical ailments were last night, I feel much better today. It's miraculous what about 12 hours of sleep can do. I'm going to a meeting tonight and then out to eat with some friends from the program. It's raining right now but the weather is supposed to be warm and fair for the weekend. I'm planning on taking Compass Rose out for an over night tomorrow. Hoping for calm seas and a fair breeze.....have a good weekend.