Christmas greetings to you

Downtown fountain lit for Christmas.

Happy eve of Christmas eve to all of you.  It seems like Christmas with decorations and sparkling lights, but the weather is warm and filled with humidity. No solstice fire this year and no hearth fire either.  But it is all okay here. Warm days to go to the barn and ride. And a good few days on the boat last week were just what I needed. 

On the boat last week with great weather.

We are having another quiet Christmas this year. Just the two of us.  I had a few moments of sadness when I looked at old ornaments and old tags from presents given in year's past. I do miss those who are no longer here.  And I know that I will for the rest of my life. They have left a hole that can't be filled. And that's the way it is for all who miss loved ones. So I let the feelings flow through me. And the sadness passed.

For the first time, we are going to have our dinner on Christmas Eve.  And then on Christmas Day we are going to take a ham to the homeless living under the big bridge and gather with other volunteers to feed them.  We need nothing this year. We have so much.  And for me, doing for others is really what it's all about.

Later, I will take a meal to an elderly couple that I visit every year.  And they will have a good Christmas dinner while we talk about a lot of things that have been going on in their life and mine.  They like to hear about the horse and the boat adventures.

I remember my father going to visit his old friends on Christmas. He would take something, maybe a fruit cake, to the man who ran the store across from the farm where he grew up.  All of those people are gone now.  The farm is gone too, with the land gone fallow.  But I find that the older I get, the more I repeat the things that I remember from childhood--the deeds that I thought were kind and generous.  I like to think that I got the best parts of my parents' character.  And that connects me to them as I do those things that I remember them doing that touched my heart.

So I am wishing each of you a Merry Christmas, happy holiday, and season's greetings.  Whether you celebrate of not,  I hope that you have time to relax and just be.

All is calm, all is bright. 

Gardening time and giving back

It has been a beautiful Sunday here--bright blue skies, low humidity and warm temperatures.  Neither of us felt like doing much yesterday when it was overcast and blustery.  But today, we broke out the tiller, hoes, and rakes and got most of the garden ready for planting.

The garden--a lot of work!

Some good earth with compost added ready for planting. 

Strawberry plants with some ripening berries. 

Raggamuffin, the kitty, checking out what's happening in the garden. He follows me around like a dog. 

The strawberries are ripening, and a few other plants are in the ground. I'm glad that we held off on getting everything planted because the cold snap a few weeks ago would most likely have killed off some of the tender plants.  Today, Ragamuffin, one of our cats, decided to sneak outside and help out in the garden. He stays very close and watches everything that goes on.

We are having a 21st birthday party for a member of the fellowship next week. This young lady has worked the steps, is doing service work, and is a great example of Al-Anon.  Some of you know her story because you donated to her college fund. The great news is that she has aced her entrance exams and will be starting school in early June.  She doesn't currently have enough money to pay for a semester so she will be taking classes while she works.  She is determined to be the first from her family to have a professional career. I think that those who know her understand her determination to succeed.

I have heard it stated over and over in Al-Anon that the groups and people need to be self-supporting through their own contributions (Tradition Seven).  I know that this came about so that groups wouldn't ask for outside contributions and that alcoholics would not be enabled through family and friends giving them money. What if someone is really deserving and needs a little help?  I see no problem with helping someone out who is in need.  And I don't expect to be repaid. I have a philosophy about money that it is to be used for comfortable living and if one has enough, then it is to be shared to help others.  Philanthropy is a great thing, because even small amounts can help others.

I know people who hoard their money, keeping account of every dime. Most of these people are elderly and quite a few are millionaires.  I imagine they are hoarding to give to their children because they don't appear to be spending it on themselves. Somehow I like the old bumper sticker that said "I'm spending my children's inheritance."

I remember how my parents saved their money. I learned from them to be cautious about spending. I didn't worship money but had concerns about how to pay bills and to be self-supporting. It took a few arguments and some deep soul searching with my wife to get over being afraid to spend money. She taught me to be generous. I didn't realize that generosity was uplifting to the spirit. Relaxing my grip on the household finances was an important part of recovery for me. And a huge stress reducer.

I don't plan to die a wealthy person.  But if my some strange coincidence I do, then a fellowship has been set up to help out Ph.D. students who are in need of funding at one of our alma maters. One way of giving back. There are many other ways to help out those in need. It's important in so many ways.

A worthy cause

I haven't posted something like this before.  But the young lady, Judy, is someone I know and can tell you that she has an inspiring story of strength and hope.  You can read about her story here at College Fund.

Her goal is to go to college and then nursing school.  She has overcome so much in her short life.  If you can donate a few dollars towards helping her achieve her goal, it would be much appreciated.

My wife and I know her family.  I can tell you that they are wonderful people. And they are appreciative of being in this country. If you have any questions, email me. Thank you!

About humility

I've had a busy time lately.  It seems that this is the season to do a lot of things, go to a lot of places, and see a lot of people.  And in all of this, I've been thinking about the importance of doing for others and the balance that requires.

I don't like to make Christmas about my getting things.  Instead, I like to think about what I am giving out to make things a little bit easier, happier for someone else.  Looking at my motives, it does make me uncomfortable to say that I want anything because I seem to have so much.  I've had a lot of material things all my life--a good home, good cars, enough money, a good education. Nothing extravagant but enough.

I've especially realized this past year that the way we live is way more comfortable than many.  And I've also realized that there is a whole other stratosphere out there where people really do spend a couple hundred thousand dollars on a wedding, or give a lover several hundred thousand to cover debts, or donate a couple of million to charities. I have been there first hand to see these things and realize that I am not comfortable among those who are among the upper 1%.

I don't want this to be a post about disparity in wealth but about humility. The people that I visit who are Hospice patients remind me how much I have.  I drove around yesterday to their homes, delivering Christmas cookies.  I felt sad that some live in houses that aren't so great. I wanted to give more to them than some cookies.  But the one thing that they seemed to have was happiness to see someone stop by and just talk a bit, spend some time with them, and wish them well.  I felt more at home with them than I do in the multi-million dollar homes.
 
I know that I haven't been humble for much of my life. In fact, I spent a lot of time being competitive, trying to be better than my peers at grant-writing, publishing, sports, etc.  When I was growing up, being average wasn't something that was encouraged. Both of my parents instilled in me that I was better than others in looks, brains, and ability.  I knew though that this wasn't really true.  I didn't believe what they said because I didn't think that I was special but actually lesser than average.

I didn't let on about those inner feelings though.  Instead, I worked hard to win. I worked hard to be somebody.  I worked hard to be better-than.  I wasn't boastful just determined to keep pushing ahead.  Inwardly, I was terrified but outwardly, I appeared to be a hard working success.  It was disingenuous at its best and down right fakery at its worst.

I have read that humility is about being teachable.  C. S. Lewis wrote: “True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less.”  And then there is this quote on ways to practice humility:

"To speak as little as possible of one's self.

To mind one's own business.

Not to want to manage other people's affairs.

To avoid curiosity.

To accept contradictions and correction cheerfully.

To pass over the mistakes of others.

To accept insults and injuries.

To accept being slighted, forgotten and disliked.

To be kind and gentle even under provocation.

Never to stand on one's dignity.

To choose always the hardest.” ~ Mother Teresa, The Joy in Loving: A Guide to Daily Living

I stumble over these things. I am curious by nature. I don't accept contradictions as gracefully as I would like. I don't like to be insulted or injured.  So I still fail at being humble.

I have learned though that I can mind my business and be okay. I can avoid being boastful.  I don't want to manage other people's lives. I am much kinder and gentler with others.  I know life isn't about winning or losing.  It's not about my having more things.  It's about what the inside of me feels like when I live each day.

Just a simple awareness of who I really am is humbling.  And I don't have to defend my position in order to be better than others.  Rather,  I want to be more useful to others.  And that is something that generates a lot of good feelings about me and living life.

Time for hope and miracles

It's going to be 80 F here today.  The leaves are beautiful, and the weather is great for going to the beach.  We would be out on the boat and anchored off our "secret" island, except for going to a Christmas party tonight.

And my Christmas spirit is not particularly there. So this morning, my wife and I are wrapping presents for a girl at the city orphanage. She filled out a list, and we have all of her items now--the skinny jeans in pink, makeup, the pink Converse shoes, the iPod, the tee shirts, the striped socks, etc.  A lot of things were on her list. I think that she will be a happy kid on Christmas.

We did this last year too.  Giving to a girl from the orphanage made us feel good. We met some of the staff at the wrapping party for the kids. That party is being held on Sunday at the organizer's house, who is a sailing friend. He and his wife have no kids, and so they have organized this gifting to the orphans for two years.

It's clearly apparent that we don't need or want anything for Christmas. Most all of the 90+ boxes of dishes, crystal, porcelain, etc. have gone to the antique auction house.  The big auctions for Mom and Pop's things will be coming up in January.  We have kept a few things that are special to us. But they had so much that we would have to build a 3000 sq. ft. addition on our house to display the things.  How many sets of dishes does a person need?  How many crystal bowls or wine glasses or champagne flutes?  It feels good to have cleared out the storage container.

Our lives are amazingly calm and content at the moment.  I have been going to meetings.  One of the meetings has started a beginner meeting for those newcomers who show up.  I led that the other night.  There is nothing like a newcomer to remind me of where I was.  Her brother is an addict, and she found that she was obsessing and anxious about him and what his addiction was doing to her parents.  These stories are repeated over and over again in the rooms. I'm glad to be there to share the message of hope.  It is the time for that and maybe some miracles too.

Last year's gifts for the orphans ready to be delivered.

Getting close

Christmas is just around the corner, and we have been busy.  As I mentioned in a previous post, this is the year of making presents for people.  So one of the favorite things to make is pepper jelly from our home-grown peppers and my mother's recipe.  I chopped and my wife cooked enough to fill a few dozen jars with red and green jelly. We even made labels for the top and will give them to friends who attend our open house party on Boxing Day.

This evening, my wife was putting the icing on a wonderful orange pound cake that she decorated with marzipan candies.  That cake was going to her home group meeting.  I am hoping for a small slice when she gets home.  She has baked every Wednesday for this group for about five years.  It's what she likes to do, and the people at the meeting seem to really appreciate it.  A couple more cakes will be forthcoming over the weekend as gifts to some elderly couples we know.

In another spurt of inspiration,  we decided to make some hand scrub as gifts.  It sells for quite a bit of money in the city gift shops and is in just about every restaurant rest room downtown.  So we made some using epsom salts, olive oil with orange-clove fragrance and another with vanilla-almond scent.  It was easy to do and looked really great when we were done.

About the only sad note is that a friend who has been active in both AA and Al-Anon for decades was diagnosed on Monday with pancreatic cancer.  We don't know the stage or any details but know that if it can be beaten, our friend will manage to do it.  

And the parents-in-law are fragile but doing reasonably well. I took Pop for a ride on Sunday to see the lights and to get him a milk shake.  He is starting to lose some of his mental acuity, alternating between making sense and senseless babble. One of the nurses said that the main thing keeping him alive is the lactulose that prevents a buildup of ammonia in his blood due to his cirrhotic liver. I see them continuing to decline. But I think that both of us have come to terms with the inevitable. 

I know that many of you are feeling the crunch of the holidays.  We feel much less stressed this year and really grateful.  We are actually having fun with being "elves".  Who knew? 

Loving you

“The minute I heard my first love story,

I started looking for you, not knowing

how blind that was.

Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.

They're in each other all along.” ~ Rumi

This is a day for the romantics.  I'm one of those. Last night, I was in the card store,  and there were about a dozen of us looking at cards.  Some picked a card right away. Others, like me, were looking for something that resonated, something that captured a feeling.  I remember the little Valentine cards from elementary school.  I still have some of them that were saved.  They are precious reminders that someone took the time to say something nice to another.

It's a sad fact that this day is filled with unfulfilled expectations.  Nothing sends the message "You are nothing if you are not part of a couple" quite like all the commercialism surrounding Valentines Day.  Many out there will feel more alone and unloved than ever because there is no one "special" in their life.  I like to think that every day is a chance to love and be loved.  It isn't about today because much of this is just hype.  It's about changing my mind to be loving and to act on that.

No matter who you are,  you are worthy of being loved.  I realize that every moment I may not feel lovable, but I know that those are just passing feelings.  And they are a replay of the old tapes of the past.  I also don't have to go out seeking love.  I can just be who I am, offer up a smile, a wave, a nod to others. Amazing how that can chase the negative thinking away.

To reject that message of feeling unloved, I can turn it into thinking about what I can do to brighten someone else's day.   One of the things that we did together today was to exchange our cards, tell each other of our love, have a nice brunch, and go visit the FIL.  I also helped make some cookies for the meeting tonight.  The ladies like it when I bring them cookies.  And the hugs and smiles are nice to receive.  Maybe I will pick up a pack of those juvenile cards and give each of the members one of them.  I'm okay with being silly.

Today, is a really good excuse to remember the practice of letting the people in my life know that they are special to me.  It helps me to be positive and not to think about what I might be missing, but to think of who I have in my life that I love.

So on this day,  I am celebrating the love that is within me and has been there all along.  I don't need a special day to remind others that I love them.  I can do that every day. We have this habit of telling each other several times a day "I love you." One never knows what can happen.  As Joan Didion wrote: "Life changes in the instant. The ordinary instant." I don't go to bed angry anymore.  She is the love of my life.  I am grateful that we had a chance to keep loving each other.  That is the miracle of today.

Christmas Eve

I wanted to share some happy moments from this Christmas Eve.  Wishing you much love and joy with your family.  No matter what the expectations are, the day is about love and caring, just as I would like every day to be.  Let's make it so.

Waiting for the parents to arrive. 

The tree and a few presents for each of us. 

C.'s mom looking cheerful.  She seemed to enjoy it all! 

Pop opening his gifts. 

The dining room ready for lunch.  

Brad and Jessica sharing a kiss under the mistletoe.  They are such a great couple! They have a wonderful sense of humor and take such good care of C.'s parents. 

Brad modeling a nightshirt that Mom got as a gift.  

Jessica modeling some new workout clothes that we gave Pop.  

We were so glad that the parents and Brad and Jess made it over.  It was the only present that we wanted.

From us to you--wishing you peace and love this Christmas and may every day be filled with those most important of gifts.

The great paradox

It was blowing a gale today.  And there was a little rain that fell, but hardly enough to do much soaking of the ground.  It was too windy to go rowing, so I went to see my father-in-law at the physical rehab facility.

He is doing about three hours of exercise a day, including cycling, elliptical trainer, and weight lifting.  He looks great--better than I have seen him look in a long time.  Today, he went with his physical therapist to Starbuck's to get coffee.  He seemed to have really enjoyed his day.  He is hoping to be out before Christmas.

I really feel for the people who are in the rehab facility.  Most are alone in their room.  Few have visitors.  I passed through the dining room this evening, only to see a little old lady sitting all alone.  It made me realize how sad old age can be, how isolating it is to sit without a loved one around.  I am going to visit with some of the people the next time I go there, if only for a little while.

Not much else is going on here. Tomorrow there is a Christmas party to attend.  I used to dread parties.  The ones that I go to now are not big drinking affairs.  In fact, people drink normally or not at all.  And everyone goes home by ten. It's comforting to attend parties where no one gets out of control.  It surely has been a pleasant change from the wild parties that we used to attend. I don't know why  I even went to some of those, except to watch over C.  And that didn't usually work out too well.

We are going to have a big cooking extravaganza in the days ahead to make cranberry relish, cranberry nut bread, peppermint bark, pepper jelly and some cookies as gifts for friends.  I also ordered a few small gifts for C.  I simply couldn't stand to see any look of disappointment on her face on Christmas morning.  I still want to protect her, even though I know that I can't.

Well, that's about it from here.  Time for some sleep.

It seems only the old are able to sit next to one another and not say anything and still feel content. The young, brash and impatient, must always break the silence. It is a waste, for silence is pure. Silence is holy. It draws people together because only those who are comfortable with each other can sit without speaking. This is the great paradox. ~Nicolas Sparks

Giving back

I went to the noon meeting today.  It was about the joy of service.  I looked around the table and saw a lot of blank looks.  A lot of people in my meetings come because they want to share their pain.  They want to be rid of the problems in their lives.  "Service?  What's that?"

The more I go to meetings, the more I realize that there are few people who actually get a sponsor and work the steps.  There is no real "guide" for so many who are suffering from the affects of alcoholism in a relative or friend.  What is amazing is that people are helped by coming and listening to the experience, strength and hope of others.  They are getting a message.  It may not be the entire message but some part of the program is helping them.  And today, I think that some got a good message about giving back.

Probably one of the best kept secrets for many people who come to meetings is that helping others can actually help your recovery.  My sponsor stressed service and doing for others.  It was not the co-dependent type of doing that I had done in the past.  Rather, it was about becoming involved with Al-Anon through talking to newcomers,  chairing a meeting,  participating in meetings, and simply doing for the good of the group.  I got to know other members, made friends,  and found that my recovery was helped when I gave something back.

I have moments when I get really weary of taking on more activities/jobs.  I have to find a balance between taking care of myself and doing for others.  I do reserve the right to say, "No thanks" if I am asked to do something when I am feeling overwhelmed with existing projects.  Lately, I have felt overwhelmed with class and family.  So I met with the District Representative yesterday to discuss how best to hand over something that I have done for the district for several years.  I know that it's time to let another person take this work over.

I also get tired when people, who ask me to sponsor them, balk at working the steps.  But I've learned that I can't make anyone do anything.  All I can be is an example of willingness.  I can share what helped me.  And then I have to let the outcome go.  In Al-Anon, I've learned that it is healthy for me to detach with love.

So, if you find that your recovery may be feeling a bit stale, think about getting out of yourself and doing something for others in the fellowship.  It can be an amazing lift to the spirit.

Act as if what you do makes a difference.  It does.  ~William James


This is the true joy in life - being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.  ~George Bernard Shaw

A gift

Well, things are much better today.  The molecules of dog poop that had attached themselves to my nasal lining were cleaned out in the shower.  I no longer think that I am walking in or smelling poop.  The old dog is eating rice for a couple of days to settle her stomach.  I will also pick up some special dog food for stomach issues.  She can scarf down anything when we aren't looking so she might have eaten something on the beach that caused the diarrhea attack.  She is fine though, wagging her tail and being her happy self.  She and I appreciate your concerns.

Last night I went to my home group meeting.  The topic was about powerlessness (Step One: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable).  It is not coincidence that I hear just what I need when I go to a meeting.  I understand what being powerless means.  I have no control over what others say or do.  And I know rationally that alcoholism will rear its head at any time, even with those who are sober.  It is frustrating that I can still let its effects hurt me. If only for a few seconds/minutes,  when I hear criticism and blame directed at me,  I am momentarily stunned.  And then, if I am using what I have learned in Al-Anon, I can choose not to defend myself or get angry.  I can simply realize that what is going on may not be about me at all. 

I know enough to not believe what I hear. And I know that I'm not powerful enough to cause someone else to drink or make a mess of their life. I don't want to be blamed for someone's behavior. I am not the reason a person drinks, and I'm not the reason that they don't drink. The state of happiness of another is not my job.

But I am to blame if I am miserable. I am to blame if I accept the anger of another and then own it. I am to blame for doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result. That's the insanity of my thinking.

So to be reminded of how powerless I am over others at the meeting last night helped me to get the focus back on myself. I thought that the following reading was particularly relevant:

"Many of us learn the value of self-expression in Al-Anon. We discover how we feel and benefit from giving voice to those feelings when it seems appropriate. But there's a difference between expressing ourselves and using words to control others.

Sometimes the only way I can determine whether I'm trying to control someone else or whether I'm simply expressing my feelings is by noticing how many times I say the same thing. If I mention something that is on my mind and then let it go no matter what response I get, I am speaking sincerely. If I repeatedly make similar suggestions or ask prodding questions again and again, I am probably trying to control. If I am satisfied only when the other person responds in a way I consider desirable -- agrees with what I've said or takes my advice -- then I know I've lost my focus." from Courage to Change.

Not reacting to another's anger is truly a gift. There are other gifts too.  When I got home from the meeting last night, there was a surprise waiting for me.  It was in a little box and contained this:

It is a magic little box that allows me to listen to music, download movies, view photos, and do other things right on my HD TV.  I love all things Apple.  My wife knows that.  She had seen me admiring this little gadget and got it for me.  Love, powerlessness, Apple, Al-Anon--what gifts these are.  I experienced them all today. 

Are you a giver or a taker?

When this topic was brought up at a meeting, I immediately knew which category I fell into. I have been the giver.  Or at least that is how I thought of myself.  I would be the one who would do for others, go the extra mile at work and at home. And as a result I would end up being pissed if I didn't get recognized for all that I did.

I was taught at a young age that it was better to give than receive.  I was told that an "only child" could be perceived as spoiled but that wasn't going to be my lot.  I was to think of others first and then think of myself.  And this is where I learned to give.

I learned that being a giver and a pleaser was much better than being a demanding taker.  If I was not demanding, then I didn't cause problems for teachers, for friends, for parents and so on.  I remember the shock and dismay when I thought in fourth grade that one of my teachers didn't like me.  I did my best to please her, but none of that seemed to work.  What I have come to realize is that she didn't dislike me at all.  She simply didn't cater to me and my people pleasing. 

My fourth step inventory showed me that my giving was really done to get what I wanted.  So if I wanted to be liked, I would give in hopes of getting something in return. But when one has expectations of a payback for all the giving, and then receives little in return, it doesn't take long for a big resentment to develop.

In a relationship with an alcoholic who often is a taker of the self-centered and narcissistic variety,  the tug of war is bound to happen.   Somewhere along the way, the giver in me got worn out and the taker came in to balance the books.

Fortunately in recovery, there have been some role reversals. I am no longer the manipulative giver that I was.  I have learned to flip the tape and ask for what I need.  Being in this relationship is about balance.  And the alcoholic in my life is no longer the taker but a willing and generous giver. 

The giver/taker attraction is strong in a co-dependent relationship.  Some of the things that I have learned in recovery have helped with changing how we relate to each other.  I have learned to focus on myself and my needs.   I have lowered my expectations so that I don't expect anything in return when I give.  I can take what I like and leave the rest in a relationship.  I can inventory my part and be aware when giving creates a resentment in me and my partner.  The little things that are given are often the most important.  The roles of giver and taker are fluid and not static.  

Maybe the real solution comes when the two of us realize that we are both getting something from each other with unconditional love as the unspoken goal. 

On equal terms

There are times when I hate the disease so much that I also start to hate myself for ever being around it. Then I realize that what hasn’t killed me might have helped me. I am better for having endured and learned and found a solution.  Nonetheless,  if given the choice, I would rather have not spent so many years on unequal terms with another.

Mary wrote recently on her blog: 
".....people who are not codependent ...... have healthy boundaries and a strong sense of self and they don’t want to rescue or redeem troubled lovers. They want partners in the true sense of the word. Strong independent-minded people don’t come out of families where they have grown up colluding in secrets and compliance. They don’t locate self-worth in being needed or in pointless self-sacrifice. They want to meet with others on equal terms."

Today, I had a sponsee meeting on Step 12.  After a year of working the steps,  we have come to the point where as sponsor and sponsee we can talk in depth about practicing the principles of the program in our lives.  He has been involved in several relationships in which he gave much more than the other person.  There was no equality,  but the assigned roles of giver and a taker.  I too have been the giver for many years, but I am now seeing that to continually give from the well depletes and eventually dries up the well spring within. 

What was the point of my pointless self-sacrifice?  Did I think that if I would stay the course that somehow the other person would magically change for me?  Maybe that was part of it.  But in my example, I shared that the self-sacrifice only dries and burns up one person--me.  I am much better off today with having more equality in my relationships with others.  I no longer have to be the giver.  It is not a role that has been assigned for life. 

For every person who is struggling with a loved one who is taking, it is best to ask "what am I getting from all the giving that I do?"  If I inventory the situation,  I will no doubt find that I thought that I did not deserve to be on equal terms.  But my life matters, my health of mind and body matters, and the time has come that my partner and I can meet each other in the middle.  And that, my friends, is what recovery has done.   

A surprise at home

I got home only a few minutes ago from a day of sailing.  It was a nice day with a good breeze, but I am tired after being on the water.  I decided to catch up on my journal after taking a much needed shower.  I like to write about what happens at a more personal level than what I write about on my blog.  It's something that I have been doing for years and have found particularly helpful in my recovery.

Anyway, I was going to write about the great sail, the fabulous spaghetti dinner that I fixed last night, the book that I am reading, the long walk on the beach this morning.  But as I sat down on the couch to begin, I saw an Apple box sitting there.  In it was the new iPad. And it was a gift from C. for my retirement.  I heard her laugh with glee as I found the box and then walked over and asked innocently "What's this?".  She takes great delight in getting me those things that I would not get for myself.  She has a great knack for these surprises.

So I haven't written anything in my journal.  Instead, I have booted up the iPad, been playing with it, have loaded it with my photos, videos, books, and apps.  I need to put it away as it would be easy for me to stay up all night just messing around with it.  But tomorrow is a work day, and I have to be up at 6 AM.  So I'm going to finish up my blog from the iPad blogger application, shut it down and go to bed, trying not to think about that sleek little piece of technology that has been added to my retinue of other geeky stuff.  My weakness is technology--everything from computers to cameras.  I dig it all.

I'm going to go snuggle next to C. and let her know that once again she got me good.  And she has me for good as well.  Good night all.

Why I keep coming back

On of the fundamental principles of Al-Anon is "In order to keep it, you have to give it away."  There are many times that I have late night meetings, have a difficult time with sponsees, get emergency calls at all hours, and give up a lot of free time.  I sometimes want to take the easier, softer way and miss meetings.  Yet, I keep coming back.

I have found that this is a program for living. I know that the more years I attend, the better I will be at living life on life's terms.  I have seen great changes in others and can feel the changes within myself.  I can go to a meeting and will hear exactly what I needed to hear at that moment. I learn the value of mistakes when I really start to listen to other people. When I sit at a meeting and share with others, I find myself admiring those people who can admit when they have problems and are seeking a solution.  I see the courage that it takes to work this program.  I find humility in myself and others. It isn't weakness or glumness, but simply our humanness.

This program of recovery has given so much to me.  My sponsor has been there since the beginning. Now, I can give back what has been so freely given to me.   And by being apart of this program, I give of myself, yet get back something far more valuable in return.

The consequence of coming, keeping and open mind, applying the steps, traditions, concepts, slogans, philosophy, literature and suggestions from my sponsor is that my life is much less reactive and more appropriately responsive to events that go on about and around me, in the rooms or not. If the truth is that those who have come from the disease and suffered the most have done so because of inappropriate and unacceptable choices and behaviors, then I don't need to have unreal expectations that they are going to immediately be okay because they are at a meeting.

Here are some things that I have decided to do in order to get what I need from meetings:

• Be the change I would like to see in the meeting.

• Keep the focus on myself

• Share my Experience, Strength and Hope and keep an open mind.

• Let go of expectations and Let God.

• Adhere to the Traditions myself

• Be of maximum service

 I am learning through my sponsees to carry the message and work the steps over and over.  In order to be of maximum service,  I had to understand the message that I carry: "I too was sad, lost and in need of help. I have had a spiritual awakening and found a new way of life. You also can find a new path to happiness."  

My wish for those who are new is that this program can be what you make it.  Like most things in life, I get out of something what I put into it.  I have found that what I put into Al-Anon recovery,  I gain ten fold in return.  My hope for those who find their way to a meeting is that they take away what they like and leave the rest, honor themselves on this journey, and be fully present on the path to recovery. Some may find another path to spiritual growth.  No one says that any one method is the answer.  But so far for me, I have found that the lessons I have learned in Al-Anon are enormously useful.

Thinking of others

One of the things that I hear a lot of alcoholics say is that they are selfish and think mostly about themselves.  And one of the things that I hear a lot of Al-Anons say, including me, is that we spent most of our time thinking about others instead of ourselves.  I think that this is the nature of co-dependency.

So the question then comes to mind: If one has spent most of a life time thinking about others, isn't that also a selfish act?  From what I understand now,  I was conditioned from a young age to think more about others.  I was told to not be selfish and to share.  That may have been okay when I was a child, but it set the stage for my dysfunctional behavior later in life.

I realize that by doing for others and thinking only of them,  I was actually being selfish.  I became wrapped up in self-pity and approval seeking.  I gave in hopes that others would love me.  I wanted others to think that I was doing for them, but I was actually more conscious of how I could get my emotional needs met by being around the other person. 

This is the sickness of co-dependency.  I had a need for acceptance and validation from others.  I can see after being in Al-Anon the selfishness of that behavior.  I know that some of those feelings of self-pity still surface.  But I can also say that most of what I do now is done because I want to freely give to someone else.  I truly care about other people and enjoy seeing their joy when I love without expectations.

I don't know if the codependency ever completely goes away.  Likely this is something that I will struggle with for the rest of my life.  But it helps to be aware of the problem, to understand detachment and boundaries, and that over-functioning in relationships doesn't work.  My work on focusing on myself and finding out who I am continues.  I can see though how far I have come in meeting my own needs.

These days the good deeds that are done for people are done for sheer joy. I don't see anything wrong about doing a good deed for others. After all, isn't the important thing that a good deed was done?

I'd like to read your thoughts on how you achieve balance in your relationships when it comes to giving and thinking of others.

Christmas Day

Images of Christmas Day. I hope that yours is a good one.

Carrying the message

For the last couple of weeks, I've been talking to a colleague at work about some issues he has been having in his life. He and I share a lot of similar feelings and patterns when it comes to expectations in relationships.

I have been hesitant to mention my affiliation with Al-Anon to anyone at work; however, it has become clear to me that he is in a lot of pain. So last week, I shared some of my story with him.

I told him that I had found a way out of the despair. I had used a handful of simple principles to unravel a lot of my problems.

His interest was sparked. And I was willing to listen and share how I was working on my own recovery. We have done a lot of talking. I gave him a meeting list.

Last Friday night, he showed up at a meeting. He shared about his despair and his desire to break the patterns that have been destructive for himself and others. And yesterday, we went together to an open AA meeting and then to my home group meeting. I can see that he has a hunger for what the program has to offer. In fact, I see myself in him.

This is what is great about the program. This is the philosophy of the Twelfth Step made manifest. And for me, it is what keeps the program self-regenerative.

I am glad that he is willing to reach out. I hope that he gets peace of mind and serenity. I don't think that he will be a window shopper in the program who will go away without buying it. Rather I see the desire that I had to raid the store for everything I could find and then ask to see what's in the back room.

Whatever happens, I can give it away and let go. I can turn it over and keep coming back myself. This program is my choice. Someone else attracted me, and I have stayed. I believe that is my HP's will for me.

Gifts and the weekend

Thanks for getting in the spirit of the Pay It Forward gift giving thing. I decided (because I have a hard time refusing anyone!) that I'm going to put together a crafty gift for the following who responded: Christina, Ms. Hen, Scott, Clean and Crazy and Mary Christine. You can email me at sydlaughs@att.net to give me an address where I will mail your gift.

And the guidelines (I like that better than rules) are: I'll get this to you in 365 days (hopefully before then) and when you get the gift, then you pay it forward to however many people you want to). I've already got some interesting crafty ideas for what I'm going to send.

I had a no hassle trip to Florida. The days were spent in discussion meetings about research collaborations. The highlights were:

• Some great Cuban food. And a great reception at the local lighthouse.
  
• Attending an open AA meeting in Florida. It was a 12 x 12 study of Step Four. Lots of angst was expressed.
  
• Catching up on things with some colleagues and discussing the impending marriage of one
  
• Having a hotel room with a view of the water and sailboats. It made me long for home.
  
• Getting home without any traffic hassles on Friday. That's always a good thing.
  

I had a quiet weekend. I did spend time on the boat but didn't take her out. Instead, after the week in Florida, I decided to hang out at home. I read, watched a movie, slept late, went to visit some friends for dinner, and caught up on my written journal. I also spent more time helping an elderly doctor set up his Mac. He gave me a wonderful porcelain African elephant in appreciation.

This week I'm happy to be back on schedule. I'm going to my home group meeting tonight. And will write about Tradition Four in tomorrow's post.

Have a good Monday.

Thank you Jenn

Today's post is dedicated to Jenn who blogs at J-Online. While I was on my trip to Florida, I received a hand decorated package from Jenn. This package was filled with a number of thoughtful things from Jenn: a hand-decorated file box, a journal, a magnetized note pad, a package of note paper and a wonderfully done paperweight with a picture of my sail boat in it.

Jenn made an offer back in December 2008 to provide craft gifts to the first three people who said that they would like one. She posted this on December 10 and called the post Pay It Forward: http://jenn-online.blogspot.com/2008/12/tis-season.html. So I said that I wanted to do this and she made me her fourth recipient of a Jenn gift.

Here is the note that she sent:
"Syd,
As you can see, I'm not very creative. But I hope that you like it! Thank you for your friendship and support. I am grateful to have met you on line and appreciate your blog and insight. May you and your family have a wonderful 2009!
Many blessings,
Jenn"

Jenn, you are creative, and what you sent is much appreciated. Thanks for your kindness and the goodness of your heart.

So it's my turn to pay it forward. And because Jenn did four, I'm going to do four also. Let me know if you want something craft like from me. I say "craft like" because I'm not sure what I'm going to send but it will be something that reflects the culture of the Lowcountry of South Carolina. The first four to respond will get the deal.

I may not be as creative as Jenn but what is sent will come with heartfelt good wishes.

Oh, and email me your address so that I know where to send your gift. Mine is on my sidebar.