What I have learned in the last month

The weeks have flown by for me. It is nearly October and still muggy and warm here. We are still harvesting from the garden, but the fall vegetables are in and summer plants are just about done.

I have been involved with the group that is dealing with race relations in the aftermath of the Emanuel 12 atrocity (although 9 people were murdered, there were 3 others who survived but were traumatized).  We have regular discussions at lunch once a week, and I hosted another evening event at a restaurant.  Next week, I invited the City Police officers to join us to discuss how to improve relations between the police and the community.

It has been an interesting and enlightening time.  I have met men from the Nation of Islam and have heard about their views on how all white people are "devils".  It is hard to deny our violent past when it comes to Native and African Americans. However, I am also becoming a student of world history in which I realize that so many atrocities have been and are being committed by asians and africans too. Looking at history, the worst mass killings have been done by Asians. Ghenkis Khan: 40,000,000 people in the 13th century, all over Asia and Europe; Mao Zedong: 40,000,000 as well between 1949 -1976. He had people worship him as a god. They thought he was immortal. What a surprise when he died. World War II was also 40,000,000 -- and Japanese people are a significant part of the reason for that number -- both as instigators and as victims.

Certainly, in Africa, tribal wars have been occurring since we became Homo sapiens. However, because they were relatively small and within a smaller area, these are not well known. We DO know that in modern day, post-colonial African, some of the most savage wars known to man have occurred: The Biafran War (1966-70) -- 1,000,000 dead. The nightmare that was the Rwandan War -- within 4 months, the Tutsis had killed 800,00 of their fellow citizens, the Hutus. The horror in Liberia, where tens of thousands of people now live with only one hand: punishment if they wouldn't join the rebel army. The hellish Boko Haran, currently operating in Nigeria. The terrors of South Sudan, now spilling over into Ethiopia (primarily the Muslims killing the Christians). And let's not forget the Middle Easterners: Saddam Hussein -- 1,000,000; Ghadaffi -- probably nearly the same number. And the amount of TORTURE beyond comprehension by the instigators of most of these mass murderers is, unfortunately, well-documented. There is NO single "good" race. So what I have learned is we ALL have the potential for good... and, unfortunately, for evil...

And then I have been involved in more Al-Anon service work at the area (state) level.  That has been an eye opener. I know that we all have character defects, but let me tell you, getting involved in service work on committees at the state level has brought me to a whole new level of understanding.  I keep telling myself: Principles above personalities.  And I stay out of the fray when the emails go flying back and forth with unkind things being written.  I took on a task and am focusing on that, rather than on getting into a pissing contest.  But I can tell you that I have no further aspirations to do further service work higher up than the District.

And so when I feel my serenity slipping away, I take a short vacation on the boat. I returned a couple of days ago from a relaxing time on her.  I go off the grid, read and reflect.  And when I return, I feel ready to get back into this other life I lead in which I deal with people.

This time when I returned I listened to Pope Francis.  And let me tell you, if I were inclined to be religious, I believe that this man could convert me.  To me, he is a transformative person who is kind, compassionate, and, well--Holy. His humility is to be emulated. What a contrast between Papa and the political candidates we have thrust on us through the news media! I found myself in tears listening to Pope Francis.  He is a genuine person of goodness to me.

In other goings on, I continue to ride and enjoy my horse.  He is going to the dressage regional championships which will be a real treat.  I am going as his groom and support team--LOL.  Perhaps within the next six months, I will be showing him too.  The main thing is that we have a great bond. Even my wife loves him.  She has little experience with horses but her visits to see him, bearing gifts of carrots, are filled with joy.  He licks her and she kisses him. What more can a horse want?

Hope that you are all doing well.  I am way out of date with comments on your blogs. Living the life to the fullest here.  And I will catch up soon with each of you. Until then....

What makes a healthy Al-Anon meeting?

Fairly regularly in Al-Anon, we have what's called a group inventory.  We talk about how the group is doing and whether it is "healthy".  There is actually a check list that people in the group can look over and discuss in deciding how the group is doing.

I think that the regular meetings I attend are healthy.  We have a step meeting, a tradition meeting, a literature meeting, and an open discussion meeting each month.  Members follow the traditions which guide the group in their interaction with other groups and how members interact with each other.

That being said, each group is autonomous.  There isn't a one size fits all kind of format.  And I have been to some unhealthy meetings in the past.  So I can attest to the fact that not all Al-Anon meetings follow the three legacies of recovery, unity and service. Some are filled with discussions of problems (self-pity and hostile martyrdom) with no solutions offered. And some are filled with endless talk about the alcoholic and how he/she is to blame.

What makes a meeting healthy, in my opinion, is one in which the traditions are practiced.  Some of the most important words for me to remember from the traditions are unity, authority, anonymity, and outside issues.

Religion is an outside issue and seems to be one of the most misunderstood part of meetings.  I am not a religious person in the sense of being a part of any organized religion. Religion is not something that I want to hear at meetings. When people pass out poems of platitude and offer up biblical sayings, I want to roll my eyes.  Al-Anon is a spiritual program, however.  And the God of our understanding is mentioned, as is a Higher Power (HP).  Whatever a person believes to be more powerful than they are is their HP.

We have many "Gods of our understanding" in this world:  Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, Protestant, Mormon,  etc.  People may have Nature as their Higher Power.  Perhaps the group or a sponsor is their HP.  Many are Christian in their beliefs.  I'm not offended by what others believe.  I just prefer not to have their beliefs discussed at meetings.

Al-Anon is about unity. And when religion is brought in, unity goes out the window.  Scripture quoting in meetings, especially when it is done in the fashion of  "It's in the Bible so it's the law of the land" is uncomfortable for me. I wonder "Who's land?" Not the land of a Muslim or Jew.  If I were a Muslim and quoted from the Qur'an, that would be my Bible.  If someone consistently quoted scripture from the Qur'an, Christians could be offended and given the times, such might seem blasphemous and create divisiveness.

So, I think unity and harmony comes when we don't bring up religion in meetings.  Some groups opt to say the Lord's Prayer, but others simply say the Al-Anon declaration. If a person is uncomfortable about the Lord's Prayer, then they can step back and not say it.  They can also call for a group conscience to ask that another closing be used. I am glad that everyone is included in Al-Anon regardless of their religion and that the "God of our understanding" can be as defined by each of us.

Dominance (authority) is another obstacle to success in having a healthy group. Dominance means that egos run the meetings.  There isn't much room for spirituality when ego has run amuck.  I have heard the saying that ego means "edging God out". I believe that it is important to check our egos at the door.  There is no place in Al-Anon for governing and telling others what to do.  If the Al-Anon "police" are at a meeting, then it may not be particularly healthy.

Anonymity is important and makes a meeting safe.  Talking about others or the reason they are attending meetings is not healthy.  Gossip is hurtful.  To me, meetings must be a safe place where we do not discuss members or others, and particularly not the alcoholic.  While it is important to take our own inventory, it is not part of our program to take the inventory of the alcoholic, and especially not air it out to others.

Not gossiping reminds me to keep the focus where it needs to be: on me.  I spent way too much of my life making alcoholics my Higher Power.  It did nothing but harm when I focused on what others did and then used that as ammunition to justify my feelings about what I was doing.

I realize now that by seeing what others do and inventorying how that affects me, I can use the information to make good decisions for myself.  I cannot fix the alcoholic's problems.  That is not my business.  But treating others in a dignified way is my business.  Gossip robs me and others of dignity.

A healthy meeting is where you can share with others and learn from their experiences. Yes, there are slogans and expressions that may seem corny at first.  I remember when I kept hearing "Let Go and Let God" at meetings, it made me want to leave/heave. I disliked that slogan so much.  Now I realize that letting go means to quit tugging so hard at someone and let their own HP, what ever it may be, guide them.  When I stopped resisting and started listening, I found out that "take what you like, and leave the rest" is taken very seriously in Al-Anon.

Another sign of a healthy meeting is when no one gives advice and tells you what to do.  This is a program in which we share our experience, strength, and hope.  It does not mean that I tell another person how to live their life.  In a healthy meeting, no one tells you whether to stay in a relationship with your alcoholic.  A meeting isn't group therapy where we "cross talk" or give advice.

In a healthy meeting, you may learn some tools that can help save some relationships, *if that's what you want to do* -- but some relationships are beyond saving.  Al-Anon encourages you to take some time before making any big life-changing decisions, but ultimately, you make the decision that's best for you, and sometimes that means leaving the alcoholic.  I made a decision to stay with the alcoholic in my life. And I'm glad that I did.

Al-Anon isn't the only way to recover from the effects of someone else's alcoholism.  What I find comforting is that it feels good to be among those who have the same problem and have been affected by alcoholism. We share similar patterns of behavior and emotions. And we share about our solutions.

This is a program that isn't a cure all. It works for me if I take it seriously. I look on this as a spiritual program that has enhanced my life. There are other ways to get help for co-dependent behavior with an alcoholic. I tried therapy and never understood why I was so angry and miserable. I resisted going to Al-Anon for years, but eventually found that it helped me to understand more about myself than therapy did.

I know that I deserve to have a healthy meeting. So when I find myself in a meeting where there is dominance, cross talk, or religion, I share my own experience, strength and hope that is based in the steps and traditions.
It is wonderful to know that there is somewhere that I can go to be with people who share a common interest in recovering from the effects of alcoholism.

In search of the beautiful

The last few days have been involved with going over plans for the kitchen renovation, looking at and discussing some of the things that we will be replacing and then ordering them.  We actually sat with both laptops within ten feet of each other and would look at various products and talk about whether we liked them or not.  LOL--it was an efficient way to do it but seems so businesslike.

Anyway, the great news is that we agreed on various things so now we are just waiting for the cabinets, the sinks, the faucets, the microwave and the stove to come in.  We are going to use recycled glass for the countertops which is so neat.  If you haven't seen this stuff, it is really beautiful and yet makes use of recycled bottles along with some shell.

We will be cooking on a camp stove for a while.  I'm sure that there will be a point when we are both on our last nerve about the mess and noise, but hopefully, it will all be okay and made into a contemporary beautiful space.

I spent much of the day on Tuesday with the young Mexican fellow whom I sponsor.  He is now on Step Four and is so willing.  We talked some during lunch about what kind of pay he gets for the jobs he does.  He has worked in a lot of agricultural settings where he picked tomatoes for $2.00 a basket.  His mother gets paid about $50 for 8 hours of cleaning.  His father makes around $8.00 an hour.  Thankfully, the family is about six months away from getting a visa which will lead to a green card and then to citizenship.  At least, that is what they are hoping as they work with one of the local attorneys who does this kind of pro bono work.  If that happens, he will be able to have a driver's license, can apply to college, and seek out scholarships.

I don't know whether we are going out on the boat this weekend.  It might be a good weekend to stay at the marina and enjoy the view there, go to an open AA meeting on Saturday evening, and join the marina group for a party on Labor Day.

I am feeling good but tired.  I've stayed up too late each night and last night was no exception.  I turned to the RNC coverage and saw Clint Eastwood give a bizarre "speech".  It was as if I was watching someone self-destruct.  I thought that he might be drunk, but apparently it was an off the cuff ramble.  Maybe it was meant to be funny, but all I felt was embarrassment for him and his rambling diatribe at a chair that was supposed to have the President seated in it. I would have been better off sleeping.

I am wondering where we are going these days as a society because we seem to be so polarized that I wonder can there really be any healing.  I hope so. But have to say that I am not happy with the political atmosphere.  I am concerned about our planet and what we are doing to it.  I am concerned about the interjection of religious views into government.  It's best that I don't go on here.   I am passionate about a lot of things and the environment is probably at the top of the list.  Enough said by me.  I'll leave the rest to George Carlin:

“Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,

For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.

America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,

And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.” 

We Agnostics

It was another cool, overcast day here.  I was so lazy this morning.  I didn't get out of the v-berth until around 10 AM which is really late for me.  I fixed a good breakfast and then did some engine maintenance on the boat.  It was a pretty ordinary day in a lot of ways.

The open AA meeting last night was huge.  People kept coming until there were about 40 people where there usually are around 15.  It's a Big Book study which is good.  I enjoyed listened to the shares on the chapter "We Agnostics".  I think that the question of a Higher Power is what has kept a lot of people away from Al-Anon.  I remember when I was struggling with the whole Higher Power concept.  Being a scientist, I want facts.  Instead what I found was faith.  I am not religious but can believe that there is something more powerful than me.  And there have been too many coincidences to think otherwise.

I was never too sure about all the religious teachings that I learned as a child. Not much seemed to add up.  But what I like about spirituality is that I simply need to have faith in something and have a willingness to believe.  I am glad that each person comes up with a concept of a Higher Power.  For me, it is cosmic energy---something that connects me to other people and to every living thing.  That connectedness is sacred.  With some people, I feel such a strong connection that it is as if I have known them all my life.  With others, I have to let the layers fall away in order to see who they are.  And be open and willing to not judge.

This is difficult stuff for me.  Yet, I have felt so much peace since I was willing to believe that I am not all powerful.  That was quite a burden to carry for a long time--thinking that I had the power all by myself.  Let me tell you, there is strength in numbers.  I don't have to do any of this alone.  I don't need to power through life without a helping hand,  or without faith.  I can reach out, call someone, share a problem, ask for help.  It is much better than having to always rely on myself for solutions.

I have learned that there are some things that I will never solve.  There are people that I will never change.  And that is okay.  I can let those things go.  I no longer try to figure out everything.  And amazingly enough,  a lot of worry has been removed.

One of the most symbolic ways for me to let go is to open up my tightly clenched fist and laying my palms flat, visualize a release of what I have been trying to control. I may not have the answers for those who are agnostic.  But for me, I have seen enough powerful things at work in life to realize that there are miracles afoot.   I am grateful to have my eyes wide open to all the possibilities.

A day full

Some things that happened today:

• I took one of our Labradors to the vet to be spayed.  She was happy for the car ride, and I felt traitorous as I dropped her off.  I felt better after I got the phone call that she was okay. She is now home and resting comfortably.  She still loves me and gave me a face licking.  The recovery of animals is amazing. 
• A covey (or bevy) of wild turkeys crossed the road on my way to the vets.  They were beautiful. I stopped the truck just to watch them walk-run across the road.  I am glad that wild turkeys are still around our farm.  I think they are neat birds and splendid when they spread their feathers.
• I saw a dead deer at the head of the drive.  It appeared to have been hit by a car.  Burying a deer takes a lot of work.  
• I talked with a neighbor who has dairy cattle.  He has these little calf hutches near his back yard where the calves live.  I saw him at his mailbox and stopped to ask how his cows were doing.  He told me that he was sad because a calf was still born two days ago,  and then the mother died yesterday.  And here I was feeling bad about burying a deer.  He said that animals don't tell us when they are sick.  She was fine one day and then dead the next from milk fever.  I think that he cares about his cows as I do about the dogs.  He does have a 2 day old calf that he wants me to see. 
• I stocked up on groceries for our trip on the boat this weekend.  We are going to a different island up the coast.  A few friends are bringing their boats.  I am looking forward to being around some relatively sane boaters. 
• The sailing and boating club that I belong to had a meeting tonight on whether to a moment of silent contemplation, instead of prayer,  as part of the order of business.  I don't know what it is about religion that causes so much divisiveness, but it surely has been the reason for a lot of killing around the world for a long time.  After each person had their chance to speak,  the vote was to have a moment of silence.  Several members got up and angrily stalked out.  I haven't seen adults do that since the church that I attended as a kid was integrated.  Religious fervor and hypocrisy left a bad taste in my mouth then, just as it does now.  
• I was asked to be an officer in the club.  I declined.  De-stressing my life is a priority.  I believe in what the serenity prayer says about knowing the difference between the things I can change and those people, places and things over which I have no control. 
• And the last thing for today is to read a few blogs,  write in my journal, and shut off the light.  Good night to all.

Three Obstacles to Success

More and more, I am hearing the Three Obstacles to Success in Al-Anon being read at meetings.  I like to hear these because it services as a reminder that Al-Anon discussions should be constructive, helpful, loving, and understanding.  In striving toward these ideals, we avoid topics which can lead to dissension and that can distract us from our goals.

So here are the Three Obstacles: 
1. DISCUSSION OF RELIGION:  Al-Anon is not allied with any religion.  It is a spiritual program, based on no particular form of religion.  Everyone is welcome, no matter of what affiliation or none.  Let us not defeat our purpose by entering into discussions concerning specific religious beliefs. 
2. GOSSIP:  We meet to help ourselves and others learn and use the Al-Anon philosophy.  In such groups, gossip can have no part in our program.  We do not discuss members or others, and particularly not the alcoholic.  Our dedication to anonymity gives people confidence in Al-Anon.  Careless repeating of matters heard at Al-Anon meetings can defeat the very purpose for which we are joined together. 
3. DOMINANCE:  Our leaders are chosen not to govern, but to serve.  No member of Al-Anon should direct, assume authority, or give advice.  Our program is based on suggestion, interchange of experience, and rotation of leadership.  Any attempt to manage or direct is likely to have serious consequences for group harmony.

Religion is not something that I want to hear in meetings.  I am not a religious person in the sense of being a part of an organized religion.  I was raised in the Episcopal church and later attended the Presbyterian Church on the island where I live.  I am glad to have experienced church school, sermons, and been brought up in the teachings of the church.  But I am also glad to be among a fellowship where no one religion is The Way.

We have many "Gods of our understanding" in this world.  Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, Protestant, Mormon,  etc.   They all have their own God, believe differently and are all sure their teaching is the correct way to believe.  But I don't believe God created all the different religions and beliefs, people did.  I'm not offended by what others believe at all.  I just prefer not to have their beliefs discussed at meetings.

Al-Anon is about unity. And when religion is brought in, unity goes out the window.  Scripture quoting in meetings, especially when it is done in the fashion of  "It's in the Bible so it's the law of the land" is uncomfortable for me. I wonder "Who's land?" Not the land of a Muslim or Jew.  If I were a Muslim and quoted from the Qur'an , that would be my Bible.  If someone consistently quoted scripture from the Qur'an, Christians could be offended and given the times, such might seem blasphemous.

So, I think harmony comes when we don't bring up religion in meetings.  Some groups opt to say the Lord's Prayer, but others simply say the Al-Anon declaration. I am glad that everyone is included regardless of their religion and that the "God of our understanding" can be as defined by each of us.

Gossip is another obstacle.  I don't like gossip. It is hurtful and often based on false information. To me, meetings are a safe place where we do not discuss members or others, and particularly not the alcoholic.  While it is important to take our own inventory, it is not part of our program to take the inventory of the alcoholic, and especially not air it out to others.

Not gossiping reminds me to keep the focus where it needs to be: on me.  I spent way too much of my life making alcoholics my Higher Power.  It did nothing but harm when I focused on what others did and then used that as ammunition to justify my feelings and what I was doing.

I realize now that by seeing what others do and inventorying how that affects me, I can use the information to make good decisions for myself.  I cannot fix the alcoholic's problems.  That is not my business.  But treating others in a dignified way is my business.  Gossip robs me and others of dignity.

Finally, dominance means that egos run the meetings.  God has been edged out.  I believe that it is important to check our egos at the door.  There is no place in Al-Anon for governing and telling others what to do.

I think that reading of these obstacles in a meeting is a good idea and helps remind each of us to keep the group healthy.