What's Going On

Here's a recap of what has been going on here.

• The state Al-Anon convention was a great experience.  The speakers were inspiring. One workshop was exceptional. These conventions are run like those in AA with speaker meetings and workshops going throughout the day. We have several raffles which are fun.  Each group brings a basket filled with all kinds of things.  One of the groups I attend did a dog theme basket. There is also a general meeting theme, and this year's take home message was service. I came away with wanting to do more service work. Thinking about starting an Alateen meeting on the nearby island and a downtown meeting at the city hospital (only one downtown meeting now). I actually contemplated putting my name in for the District Representative, but decided that the time spent on the road to the state capital would be more than I could bear for three years. Made that road trip too many times in my career.  So I sent in a resume to be on the regional literature board. Do more, get more. 
• The anniversary of Mom's death was Feb. 27.  The day passed quietly on the boat as I thought about the feelings of grief we had last year.  It seemed at the time that we would never feel good again because everything was so overwhelming. Pop was sick. We were grieving. The house needed to be sold. So much all at once. I'm glad to have moved past that difficult time. She isn't forgotten, but the acuteness of the grief is gone. We can look back and take comfort that Mom lived a long life, and we have the memories of her to smile about. 
• The birthday of my cousin who died last June from glioblastoma multiforme is tomorrow.  His wife has moved on with her life, reconnecting with old lovers from her past. I'm glad for her because she had no life for the 8 years that she cared for my cousin. She has also been caring for her 96 year old mother for years, but she has finally decided to move back to her country home in Virginia and has told her sister that she can no longer be the caretaker for their mother.  Sounds to me like she is now taking care of herself. 
• Landscaping has been moving slowly with the weather.  It's either rainy or miserably cold. So the back yard is all torn up. The birds are going crazy with feeding and mating.  Male cardinals are seeing their reflection in the glass and flying into windows all day trying to drive off a competitor. We call them the "crazy cardinals" because they seem to not get that there isn't another male. 
• Speaking of crazy, the town is all fired up over a new reality TV program called "Southern Charm" that stars a bunch of characters that live the high life in the old city.  One of them, Thomas Ravenel, was the state Treasurer until he was indicted and convicted of cocaine possession. Now he spends time playing polo and living the life of a wealthy bachelor. I wish that some of the intellectuals of the city had been featured, but I suppose people would much rather watch a train wreck than learn something about the train. 
• I have come down with a cold and am generally feeling lousy. This too shall pass.  In the meantime, I am drinking hot tea and not doing much on these rainy chilly days.  I did build a fire yesterday which pumped out heat. And I took a nap on the couch.  
• Last night, I chaired the Al-Anon meeting. It was on Step Three--Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.  I don't think of my Higher Power as being a male or female but rather something greater than me. I am not religious, but I believe in the spiritual connectedness we have to each other, animals and Earth. A lot of people in meetings are religious and take comfort in religion. I think that is good.  It took me a while to come to believe in something other than myself. I share honestly about my struggles with finding a Higher Power--at first, it was the group, then my sponsor and eventually, it was a feeling of freedom and release, of empathy and compassion, and connectedness to others.  

Excuse the stream of consciousness writing. My head is foggy and it's time for me to take something to help with the cold.  Hope that you have a good day. 

Hard to put into words

Yesterday,  the meeting topic was about the spiritual experiences that we have.  I listened to all the shares but kept silent.  I know that I have had numerous spiritual experiences. Sometimes the words just don't seem adequate to describe the intensity of those I have had.  I've written about one here and another here on this blog. These events were clearly ones that showed me there was a connection in spirit with my parents as they were dying.  I believe these were spiritual experiences.  

The reading of amends to my parents during my ninth step was another spiritual experience. We were in a cemetery at the old church where my home group meeting is held. It's a peaceful place with many old live oak trees.  The letters that I read were those that I had written to my parents and a couple of other relatives. After reading, I put each letter in a pot and my sponsor set fire to each one. We watched the smoke rise up and waft about on the wind.  As I read the letters to my parents, the wind shifted and the smoke surrounded me.  It was as if they were letting me know all was okay.

I have described these experiences in meetings before.  They affect me in a profound way.  Yet, every day there are other "Ah-ha" moments of enlightenment.  The people that I meet, the conversations that I have with those I sponsor, sharing the steps, living with alcoholism, having the sailboat--these are all experiences that I think were meant to be.  Each experience opens me up to be more receptive and more alive.  I am so much more aware and appreciative of life. Every day is an opportunity to be clearer in what's important and what can be let go.

I know that not every day or situation is one that I am fully awake to yet.  My awakening is an evolving process.   I liken the feeling of spiritual awakening to the tide.  It rolls in and carries me in a wave of good feelings.  And then it also may depart, leaving me behind,  feeling vulnerable and stranded.  But I know that the good tide of feelings will return.  And with those moments when I am awash in the wonderment of life, I know that my spirit is awakening, little by little, one day at a time.

Our own network

The birthday law lasted through the movie and lunch.  The "Tinker" movie was full of twists and turns, flashbacks, and complications.  It was one that required attention and thinking to get what was happening.  Maybe I wasn't in the mood for thinking so hard, because I preferred the "Dragon Tattoo" movie which was straightforward and yet action packed.  We enjoyed the time together, eating popcorn, and later having fish tacos at a restaurant near the theater.

Bliss was short-lived though. When we got home, there were 11 calls from the caregivers and my wife's parents. No messages though.  Uh-Oh.......hard not to have the mind go to a bad place, wondering who is now in the hospital or worse circumstances.

The situation was that Pop was angry with the caregivers, telling Jessica and Brad that they did nothing, were not of any use to him.  It hurt their feelings a lot because they are good people who work hard at keeping the parents comfortable, well fed, entertained, and the house clean.  My wife, C.,  went to have a talk with her dad.  She explained that without the caregivers, they cannot stay in their home.   C. said that he sat there and seethed, saying only disparaging things.

Quality of life for the parents will not be good should he drive these good people away.  So this morning, I called to talk with Jessica.  She told me that her own father, who used to be her self-described hero,  is an alcoholic, that her mother has been in Al-Anon for over a year, and that she can see that Pop is a dry drunk.  So we had a good conversation about taking care of ourselves around the alcoholic.  I shared my experience with my dad.  And related that I went to Al-Anon (I did not break my wife's anonymity) because of growing up with a father who drank.  I invited her to attend one of the meetings that I go to which is close by the parent's home.

I think that this was another moment in which there is a reason that we have been put together.  We are now all on the same page with our truths.  Jessica and I both love alcoholics.   Brad works at the homeless shelter and deals with all stages of alcoholism.  My wife is alcoholic and probably her dad is also.  C's. mom has lived with a restless, irritable, and discontent man for her entire marriage. We are all connected by the disease.  Together, we will form our own network to listen to each other, share our feelings, and work through the difficulties.  Things happen for a reason. People come together for a reason.  Nothing is coincidence.

Tapping on an unsuspected inner resource

I received great news last night that a good friend passed the exam for his Merchant Mariner Master's license.  This is something that he has wanted for some time.  Ten years of alcoholic drinking from his late teens into his late 20's robbed him of a high school degree,  positive study habits, and a host of other things that the non-alcoholic learns at that age.  His inability to do math has been a huge drawback.  His ADHD mind just doesn't process how to do even the simplest of equations.

I've been in touch with him while he was away at a maritime training institute.  Several phone calls were to tell me that he had passed several tests.  And then there was the phone call to tell me that he did not think that he could possibly pass the chart navigation part of the exam.  It included math formulas.  Nothing he had studied was making any sense and the courses that he took previously on navigation were like a blank in his mind.

I told him to do his best and think positively.  I went over some of the equations with him, reminding him that he mastered them before.  I don't know how the ADHD mind works, but I have some idea of alcoholic thinking which is mostly pessimistic and even negative.  He has said that this was his "last chance" to make something of himself.  Getting this license was, in his mind, an opportunity to prove that he amounted to something.  Even though he has been sober for 21 years, he feels so much unworthiness.

So he has been in lectures all day and into the evening for the past two weeks, has stayed up late and gotten up very early to study.  He has studied with the intensity of someone during college exam week.  And I wondered whether he would be able to pull it off.  Yesterday, it all came together with something clicking in his mind enough to get a 90 on the most difficult exam and scores in the high 90's on the other exams.  I am more than glad for him.  For him this was a milestone of success.

I don't know how it all came together in his mind on the one day when it really counted.  I can't explain these things, but somehow, I think that a power greater than him had a hand in this too.  And from this accomplishment, his parents, his family, his friends are all heaving a sigh of relief and smiling with joy.

"With few exceptions our members find that they have tapped on an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a power greater than themselves." ~Alcoholics Anonymous

I believe in this

I may be coming down with a cold or something akin to that.  I have felt really tired and my body aches. But then I have been crawling around on the boat and doing a lot of varnish work on it for the last few days.  I will just ride it out and see if the fatigue is just that or if it is something else.

Today, I am staying home.  Yesterday, I was interviewed for a program on ETV.  I enjoyed the producer and the cameraman. They were interesting, asked good questions, got great footage, and made the interview fun.  I have done a lot of interviews over my career.  One of the facts about me is that I was once featured on CBS National News with Dan Rather.  But the interesting part was the research and the interesting critters that I was studying.  I didn't care much about any focus on me.  And the same thing yesterday--we spent over three hours talking about some extremely interesting critters in the salt marsh whose behavior in many ways is more civilized than ours.

I received some sad news about a friend yesterday.  He has been diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia and is undergoing intense chemo therapy.  He was a colleague of mine and one of my running buddies.  We did some research projects together.  I told him that I would be willing to come to where he is and help out in any way.  He said that he knew that, but that it was now up to God and the doctors.  I get that, but that part of me still wants to reach out and make things okay for others.

He was kind to me when I first came to work at the institute.  He put us up in his house while we were looking for a house to buy. And he came to visit my wife when she had her heart attack.  He has done countless other things over the years that are too numerous to mention.   Suffice to say that he is not an alcoholic nor one who has been affected by alcohol or drugs.  He is just a good-hearted, genuine person.  And that is a rare commodity in many ways.

It is odd how one day the world gets turned upside down by something that you didn't expect.  That is when we not only rely on our inner strength but on our friends and on a power greater than ourselves.  What amazing opportunities I have been given and what an amazing life this is.

And finally this:

"I can believe things that are true and things that aren't true and I can believe things where nobody knows if they're true or not.


I can believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and the Beatles and Marilyn Monroe and Elvis and Mister Ed. Listen - I believe that people are perfectable, that knowledge is infinite, that the world is run by secret banking cartels and is visited by aliens on a regular basis, nice ones that look like wrinkled lemurs and bad ones who mutilate cattle and want our water and our women.


I believe that the future sucks and I believe that the future rocks and I believe that one day White Buffalo Woman is going to come back and kick everyone's ass. I believe that all men are just overgrown boys with deep problems communicating and that the decline in good sex in America is coincident with the decline in drive-in movie theaters from state to state.


I believe that all politicians are unprincipled crooks and I still believe that they are better than the alternative. I believe that California is going to sink into the sea when the big one comes, while Florida is going to dissolve into madness and alligators and toxic waste.


I believe that antibacterial soap is destroying our resistance to dirt and disease so that one day we'll all be wiped out by the common cold like martians in War of the Worlds.


I believe that the greatest poets of the last century were Edith Sitwell and Don Marquis, that jade is dried dragon sperm, and that thousands of years ago in a former life I was a one-armed Siberian shaman.


I believe that mankind's destiny lies in the stars. I believe that candy really did taste better when I was a kid, that it's aerodynamically impossible for a bumble bee to fly, that light is a wave and a particle, that there's a cat in a box somewhere who's alive and dead at the same time (although if they don't ever open the box to feed it it'll eventually just be two different kinds of dead), and that there are stars in the universe billions of years older than the universe itself.


I believe in a personal god who cares about me and worries and oversees everything I do. I believe in an impersonal god who set the universe in motion and went off to hang with her girlfriends and doesn't even know that I'm alive. I believe in an empty and godless universe of causal chaos, background noise, and sheer blind luck.


I believe that anyone who says sex is overrated just hasn't done it properly. I believe that anyone who claims to know what's going on will lie about the little things too.


I believe in absolute honesty and sensible social lies. I believe in a woman's right to choose, a baby's right to live, that while all human life is sacred there's nothing wrong with the death penalty if you can trust the legal system implicitly, and that no one but a moron would ever trust the legal system.


I believe that life is a game, that life is a cruel joke, and that life is what happens when you're alive and that you might as well lie back and enjoy it." ~Neil Gaiman

Fitting together

Tonight, I drove out to the country to my home group meeting.  There were only three of us, but it doesn't matter because we seem to have plenty to talk about. Tonight a lady shared about her progress of being able to go to an annual party with her alcoholic husband and have a decent time without a lot of anxiety about his drinking.  She was amazed that she could get through the evening without feeling embarrassed.

I don't know that I could get through an evening like the ones we used to have at parties.  Al-Anon says that I can be happy whether the alcoholic is drinking or not.  Somehow the happiness eludes me when someone I love is drunk and making an ass of themselves.  Maybe it's because I was totally sober.  My solution for big parties where there is a lot of drinking is to not go.  Or if I go, to leave when I start to feel uncomfortable.  The choices I have put me at ease now.  It's good to know that I don't have to feel bound to do something out of some kind of co-dependent obligation.

After just a few days of talking and emailing caregivers for the parents, we were able to find a wonderful couple who have accepted the position.  They are enthusiastic,  capable and up for the challenge.  All the concerns that we both had about finding someone weren't necessary.  Amazing how things fall into place.  As my sponsor would say, "The Higher Power likes to show off from time to time."

Tomorrow, we are going out on the water for another day of fishing.  The weather is supposed to be beautiful.  The moon was rising as I was driving home.  It must be the harvest moon because it was huge in the sky.  We are in the midst of a pretty time of year here.  The trees are colorful, the nights are cool, and the days are warm and sunny.  The tourists have mostly gone home so the beaches and waterways aren't crowded.

Today all seems to fit together in a way that feels good.

Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic. ~Anais Nin

We Agnostics

It was another cool, overcast day here.  I was so lazy this morning.  I didn't get out of the v-berth until around 10 AM which is really late for me.  I fixed a good breakfast and then did some engine maintenance on the boat.  It was a pretty ordinary day in a lot of ways.

The open AA meeting last night was huge.  People kept coming until there were about 40 people where there usually are around 15.  It's a Big Book study which is good.  I enjoyed listened to the shares on the chapter "We Agnostics".  I think that the question of a Higher Power is what has kept a lot of people away from Al-Anon.  I remember when I was struggling with the whole Higher Power concept.  Being a scientist, I want facts.  Instead what I found was faith.  I am not religious but can believe that there is something more powerful than me.  And there have been too many coincidences to think otherwise.

I was never too sure about all the religious teachings that I learned as a child. Not much seemed to add up.  But what I like about spirituality is that I simply need to have faith in something and have a willingness to believe.  I am glad that each person comes up with a concept of a Higher Power.  For me, it is cosmic energy---something that connects me to other people and to every living thing.  That connectedness is sacred.  With some people, I feel such a strong connection that it is as if I have known them all my life.  With others, I have to let the layers fall away in order to see who they are.  And be open and willing to not judge.

This is difficult stuff for me.  Yet, I have felt so much peace since I was willing to believe that I am not all powerful.  That was quite a burden to carry for a long time--thinking that I had the power all by myself.  Let me tell you, there is strength in numbers.  I don't have to do any of this alone.  I don't need to power through life without a helping hand,  or without faith.  I can reach out, call someone, share a problem, ask for help.  It is much better than having to always rely on myself for solutions.

I have learned that there are some things that I will never solve.  There are people that I will never change.  And that is okay.  I can let those things go.  I no longer try to figure out everything.  And amazingly enough,  a lot of worry has been removed.

One of the most symbolic ways for me to let go is to open up my tightly clenched fist and laying my palms flat, visualize a release of what I have been trying to control. I may not have the answers for those who are agnostic.  But for me, I have seen enough powerful things at work in life to realize that there are miracles afoot.   I am grateful to have my eyes wide open to all the possibilities.

I am not the Director

I have a good friend who is about as alcoholic as one can be even though he has been without a drink for over two decades.  I listen to him as he has all kinds of dreams and goals, none of which he really wants to work to achieve.  He hasn't had a job in over a year and lives off whatever happens to come his way occasionally.  I listen to him talk about getting his captain's license and wonder how he will pass the exam when his study habits are so poor.  He has much fear and anxiety, yet seems immobilized to take action.

I bite my tongue a lot.  I want to speak up and say, "Hey D., you are going about all of this the wrong way."  I have a lot of solutions for him: Get a job which will end the fear about finances; quit bitching about what is wrong with AA meetings and go to one; do something for others instead of thinking of yourself first; call your aging parents and reach out to them, and so on. 

I think that I have the answers on how to direct his life. It is so tempting to be the director of another.  But I have enough Al-Anon to know that he would resent my suggestions, that I cannot change him to be a mini-me,  and that he has to figure out his life without my interference. 

I know that my thinking that I have the answers goes back a long way.  Was I born this way?  I sincerely doubt it.  But growing up in a dysfunctional home gave me a lot of lessons on seeing what others were doing "wrong".  And those old lessons still present themselves to me every day in which I think that I have a better way. 

This will be a life long process for me of keeping my mouth shut and not trying to run the show.  I know that I must let others fall flat and experience the consequences of their actions.  I am not the Director of their life.  My movie of their life would be a flop.  But each of us has a Higher Power of our understanding.  I take solace in knowing that the burdens of others don't sit squarely on my shoulders.  The load seems lighter just for having written that. 

Anniversary day

Today C. had to get back to take her sponsor to pick up her 16 year medallion. Her sponsor had been sober around ten years when she decided to go back out. She decided that a little experimenting was in order. Predictably, the result was disastrous.

I hear about situations in which people have been sober for many years and then make a decision to drink again. It is a sad situation for all concerned. And it truly brings up to me how life has to be lived one day at a time.

I do believe that I am powerless over what others do. I cannot prevent another from picking up a drink again. In fact, I don't really think about it much or have anxiety about it now. I used to have a fair amount of worry surrounding situations where my wife would come in contact with alcohol. I tried to watch her closely and rapidly was back in the unmanageability of my disease. But the more time I have had in recovery, the more I realized that her sobriety is not up to me. What a relief that has been.

So today I am grateful that she will be there to give her sponsor a 16 year medallion. And maybe the story shared of how going back out to retry the insanity of drinking again will convey just how deadly the disease is. There are no guarantees with alcoholism, but the best defense is to stay spiritually fit and to make a daily decision to not be involved in the insanity for that one day.

My Higher Power is....

 

My Higher Power is.....

A vast source of energy that swirls around me

The swaying of trees in the wind

The ripples on the water

The moon rising in the sky

The sun on my shoulders

Within me and of me

I feel that energy on the trail through the forest, I feel it in the flowing river, I feel it in the night sky of scintillating stars, I feel it in the warm sunshine, a summer breeze . . . and I feel it in the loving and caring nature of other human beings.

All these things let me know that there is so much beyond the small sphere of myself.  When I am in the midst of some character defect such as self-pity and fear, I can look around me and see that there is much more to be grateful for than to whine or rail about.  Recovery has made me aware. And with awareness comes healing. 

What is your Higher Power?

 

Love, lust and addiction

“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.” Thomas Merton

The most unusual topic came up at a meeting this week.  It was on love, lust and addiction.  It was interesting to hear the different shares on this topic.  And it made for an interesting meeting.

I have certainly been in lust.  It is filled with energy and frenzy.  I found it hard to sleep and to concentrate.  But like all those things that run on hormonal urges, eventually lust begins to wear down.  The energy flow that goes outward begins to wane and a feeling of depletion comes.  Given enough time, lust may diminish to a fond memory.  So then what's left?

For me, after the lust came the addiction.  I became addicted to the feeling of lust and wanted to keep that feeling going.  It surely must be like taking drugs and chasing the high.  I was driven by obsessive ego.  I think that both of us were chasing something that wasn't healthy.  C. was in a blurry haze of booze.  I was in a blurry haze of obsession. Both of us were in a downward spiral.

I don't know what it is about those of us affected by alcoholism, but we don't have good sense when it comes to understanding love or having a relationship.  The wounded don't really know how to love.  We simply flounder around looking for something that is so elusive.  I didn't love myself and certainly didn't have a clue about what it really meant to love another.

I am finding that the twelve steps have brought me to a point where I do love who I am.  I have allowed myself to be who I am finally, after too many years of trying to be what I thought others wanted.

I have a great love of life too.  I celebrate life and get great joy out of something each day.  Not every day is wonderful, but I try to find one small thing that might be joyful regardless.  It might just be the beauty of the trees, the sky, the birds at the feeder, a thousand things that I see every day can provide a few moments of joy.

I have learned that there is a power greater than me in this fellowship.  I have the love of my sponsor, my fellows in the program and the God of my understanding.  Human love is hardly ever unconditional--the love of a parent for a child may be the closest that it gets.  But I feel a lot of unconditional love in the fellowship and from my Higher Power.

There aren't qualifications with this kind of love.  Every day I do what I humanly can to accept others, have compassion for them, and give something back to the universe.  Lust can be found in every bar in town.  But it is empty and doesn't last.  The feeling of love is different.  It is as if I am learning to birth my soul.  That is a great gift.

Demanding or gracious

I know that depending on the situation I can either be demanding or gracious. Sometimes I wonder whether I can even be demandingly gracious. For so many years I exacted a demanding toll on myself. I did not cut myself or anyone else any slack.

And there are still moments when I find myself in that same role. It happens less and less, but I know that there are certain degrees of slackness that I find hard to let go.

I realize that I was trying so hard to bring order into a life that was filled with disorder. By being demanding of myself and others I thought that I could create peace. It makes me sad to think of the barriers that I created with others.

I know that I fall short of meeting my own demands. And it is obvious that others will not follow what I want. I can accept that and not use the opportunity to brow beat someone or shame them. It is a fact that I do not have the answers for others.

So when I feel the indignation of unmet demands rising in me, the question becomes "How am I going to respond?" I have choices on whether to react in self-pity or anger; retaliate and make a bad situation worse; or respond in a sincere manner in which I let others go about their business. That is the gracious part that comes in recovery. And it is by the grace of my Higher Power that I have a good life today.

"What usually happens? The show doesn't come off very well. He begins to think life doesn't treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well?" from Alcoholics Anonymous

Start the day over

There are just some days that I want to start over.  Moments of frustration can come at any time over a myriad of things.  I may simply be trying to work on a project that isn't going well.  Or I may be around some one who is getting on my last nerve.  I am not generally an irritable person but let me be around someone for any length of time who is irritable, then I can feel it creeping into my psyche as well.  Having let someone else's bad mood rub off on me, makes me want to say, "Okay, I give up. You can do whatever you like. But just leave me alone."

It's my fear and resentment rising up again. There are times when I feel wronged and can't deal with it. I want to wallow in self-pity and think about what a jerk the other person is. It's so tempting to go down that road of getting even or blaming or casting off the person who has hurt me.

But a better way exists. I know that and after moments of self-doubt and anxiety in which I feel paralyzed, I can actually take stock of the situation. Acknowledging that I've been wronged is okay to do. But blaming the person who has hurt me only builds resentment. Instead I think that getting even isn't feasible but accepting that they are flawed just as I am, will get me through the rut that I'm in.

In my head, I may say,
"I don't understand"
"I'll never understand"
"It isn't okay, it never will be okay, but I forgive ."

This last part is tricky for me. Because if I dwell too much on the "never will be okay" statement, I have the capability to stay angry. A flare up of anger isn't going to hurt me unless I continue to feel angry. And by doing so, give power to the person with whom I'm angry. But if I can accept that the person with whom I'm angry is as flawed as I am and if I can work through my anger in a way that it doesn't eat me alive, then I think that my anger will be sated. I can then move past the angry feelings, quit the self pity and self loathing and get to where I can see that we are just human.

These moments when things seem out of control or I feel out of control are opportunities for me to grow. They are also times when I can turn to my HP and admit that I need help.

And some days I'm better at this than others. If I'm tired, I'm not good at this, or if I'm too emotionally uptight, I first will need to get my head clear and take some time to absorb and work through the hurt. It's such a relief to finally give up the self-pity and move towards clear thinking again. It eventually comes if I take enough time to get over myself and just ask for help.

Missing my home group

I am missing my home group. It has been about two months since I last went to a meeting there. I have had class every Monday evening and, thankfully, the final exam will be handed out next week.  So I will at last be able to return and get back into my regular meeting routine.

Our numbers at the home group have dwindled somewhat, but that is what has become so appealing to me. It is a small group where I feel very much like I can share about what is on my mind.  I am glad to see these people and believe that they are glad to see me.  It's a comfort to know that they are there. And the drive is wonderful, going over country roads and seeing the Lowcountry marshes sets my mind at ease and my heart singing.  It is just like coming home. 

Sadly, one of the members who accepted the GR position has been going through a very tough time lately.  Her father is critically ill and is not expected to recover.  She has basically shut herself off from the fellowship and from those who would like to help her.  She is angry and feels very much alone.  I am sorry that she feels this way.  I know that we have made offers to help her in whatever way we can.  I dropped off a casserole for her two weeks ago as she was wanting people to bring over food.  I haven't heard from her since.

I know that I could keep calling her but that seems a lot like badgering her.  I know that if she needs something, she has my phone number along with the numbers of every one else in the group.  Seeing someone fade away before your eyes has to be an extremely difficult thing.  I feel for her and hope that God gives her the strength to get through the whole ordeal.  And hopefully, she will realize that she isn't really alone. 

I know that should I have a crisis in my life, there are many people that I can call.  They would be there for me to help out.  I also realize that no one can solve these crises that occur in life for me.  I have to work through them and walk through them.  God will give me strength to get through somehow. Just as I hope that she will get some strength from the God of her understanding.

The God of my Understanding

I read yesterday that reknowned physicist Stephen Hawking said that God had no role in the creation of the universe. In his new book "The Grand Design," he says that given the existence of gravity, "the universe can and will create itself from nothing."  My first thought was that perhaps gravity is his Higher Power.

He further states, “Some would claim the answer ...... is that there is a God who chose to create the universe that way. It is reasonable to ask who or what created the universe, but if the answer is God, then the question has merely been deflected to that of who created God. In this view it is accepted that some entity exists that needs no creator, and that entity is called God. This is known as the first-cause argument for the existence of God. We claim, however, that it is possible to answer these questions purely within the realm of science, and without invoking any divine beings."

That's the wonder of this program--that I can have a God of my understanding that can be whatever is greater than I.  And that covers a lot of things, including gravity and many other forces of nature. 

Before Al-Anon, my Higher Power happened to be whoever I was in love with at the time.  I would spend most of my time thinking about that person.  That continued until there was irrefutable evidence that another person being my Higher Power was just not going to work.  For one thing,  there wasn't any unconditional love coming from people.  Eventually, even my parents couldn't give me that.  And relying on another person for my happiness turned out to be a big fiasco.  So I was left in disbelief and a whole lot of doubt. 

When I worked Steps Two and Three, the God of my understanding started out being the Al-Anon group itself.  I could see their collective wisdom for a long time, until I began to see that they too struggled.  I now have focused more on my HP as being a force of energy that encompasses all of those who are with me now and all those who have come before.  This "composite" spiritual being gently nurtures me and loves me regardless of my character defects. It is now a trust that I have and a confidence that no matter how bad things are, my HP that is something greater than me, will see me through. 

I feel closest to my HP when I'm near the water and watch the waves and might of the ocean. Even though there can be confused seas and turbulent times, there is an eternal rhythm to the waves given by the tides. Our lives will also ebb and flow but the HP will be there to keep us in rhythm.

Finding us in the end

Today has been another long day.  I finished up the series of statistics lectures, met with a sponsee, went rowing for nearly two hours, and got home after 9 PM for a late dinner.  Tomorrow won't be nearly as crazy busy, and I'm grateful for that. 

I have talked with my sponsor several times since his surgery.  He is thankfully doing well. He has a wonderful attitude, and I will go for a visit tomorrow after the noon meeting.  It will give us a chance to have a mini-meeting if he is feeling up to it.

The last few days have been a roller coaster of emotions for me.  I have been happily distracted in my work from thinking about my friend's suicide that happened last week.  I can't seem to shake the feeling that this woman who provided a lot of comfort to others slipped like water through our hands.  There were several people who knew the depth of her depression.

And she herself had been making plans to move to an apartment, and to admit herself for ECT (e.g. "shock" treatments) before she overdosed.  All of this still bothers me deeply.  I can't help but think that ECT would have helped her with the depression.  It certainly worked wonders for my mother who surely would have died without it.  Was there something that could have been done?  I keep asking myself that, realizing that it is such a moot point.  The life is over.  It won't be regained.  I need to move on. 

I know that the solution to this sadness lies in my practicing steps two and three. When I am in despair, I am not trusting that God is beside me.  Sadly K. had said during her last weeks that she had lost her Higher Power and no longer believed.  Some of us can regain our Higher Power by working with others, going to meetings, and reading literature. But there are those who are truly wired differently physiologically who can't seem to fight their way back to God.  But I believe that God does find them in the end.

Having spent time with Hazel, her little dog, in the last few days convinced me that K.'s spirit is near.  Hazel snuggled against me, licking my face, my hands and looking at me with trust.  There is supposed to be a memorial service at the beach on Sunday morning.  I think that going to that will help with the healing.  The beach going dogs that K. so loved will be there.  Hazel will be standing by, ears alert to the spiritual presence of her beloved human companion.

Grace

I have seen a Salvation Army commercial that features different people saying, "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a--- crack head, drug addict, alcoholic--- like me; I once was--- homeless, broken, sad, lost, but now I am--- sober, happy, found." The message that I can relate to is that God is there in the midst of our brokenness, our addictions, and our afflictions. When I feel forgotten and in trouble, God will find me if I seek Him.

I needed God's grace yesterday. It was a rough day. But ultimately, at the end of the day, I was able to ask for the grace to be able to deal with the situation. I knew that I needed to put myself in the care of my Higher Power.

Grace is a gift which is given but hasn't been earned. I have heard that grace is given to everyone, but not everyone accepts the gift. After a situation that left me struggling to regain my emotional balance, I was able to unclench my fist, relax, be open and let grace come to me.

I found a place of stillness within. And with grace I was able to fall asleep and awake this morning with another chance to do God's will.

Fifth step

" For me the exact nature of our wrongs is the unspoken, self-defeating assumptions that give rise to my thoughts and actions. These include notions that my best is not good enough, that I am not worthy of love, and that I have been hurt too deeply to ever really heal. If I dig deeply enough, I usually find thoughts such as these beneath the things I feel worst about. I am learning to examine whether or not there is any truth to these assumptions. Then I can begin to build my life around a more realistic, more loving way of seeing myself." from Courage to Change

I am hearing one of my sponsees fifth step later today.  I find this to be so inspiring--the honor to be trusted to have someone confide in me.  I know that admitting the exact nature of my wrongs to myself, God and my sponsor confirmed that I not only had a lot of good in me but some bad as well.  I knew that after doing my fifth step, I could no longer ask God to forgive me for what I have done but will have to ask forgiveness of what I am about to do. 

I think that the fifth step really kick started the notion that I could love myself.  I realized that I wasn't a bad person.  I was beginning to feel what serenity really is. The journey of trusting my Higher Power and my sponsor became much clearer.  And I came to understand a feeling of humility that led me to much greater compassion and love.  

So we are going to go to the beach, sit on a blanket and just talk.  What a powerful thing to be surrounded by evidence of my Higher Power and to be sharing in the trust of another.

Flying, Worriers and Orcas

The Blue Angels are in town.  They have been buzzing the city most of the morning, getting ready for their performance over the Harbor on Saturday and Sunday.  I have to admit that I find their aerobatics strapped inside a big ass thundering jet pretty amazing.  Would I want to do that? No way.  Would I want to go for a ride upside down, through barrel rolls, and loop-de-loops?  No way. 

I think that these men (aren't the Blue Angels all men?) must have some extra adrenalin that they need to drain off.  I guess that I'm an "earthbound misfit"  because I don't want to fly planes, jump out of planes, or jump off cliffs with a bungee cord strapped to my body. 


I have a friend who likes to do aerobatic flying.  He asks me to go on occasion saying "Don't you want to live?".  To which I have to say with a vigorous shake of my head,  "Yes indeed I do want to live which is precisely why I don't want to fly upside down, and have heart-stopping G forces clear the plaque from my arteries."  I may actually still be living because I haven't put myself into an array of situations in which I might actually die. Well, except for the deep submersible dives, the jumping of fences with my horse, and driving my car in this town. 

Sadly, I remember that a few of the Blue Angels crashed a number of years ago.  That just about ruined my day. I mean, here they are soaring like...well, angels and then "Kaboom".  End of story. The big finale.  Today as they roared over the building where I work,  I was hoping that the God of my understanding was right there with them because I certainly had a feeling of powerlessness as they roared past. 

I do like a sense of adventure with the emphasis on "sense".  I am not a particularly uber-cautious person.  I'm not overly nervous.  I can't think of too many mainstream things that bother me.  I do know a few people who admit to being afraid of just about everything.  One friend, who is a good guy,  is a real nervous type who bought a home in upstate New York in order to avoid hurricane season.  He still has his house along the coast but suffers from some kind of traumatic stress when the forecasters start talking in February about there being a more active hurricane season this year.  He is hightailing it out of Dodge like a bunny with its tail on fire.

The problem with people who worry about every little thing is that they have to only hear of one rare incident to justify their worrying.  Regardless that there may be a 1 in 5 million occurrence, they know this could actually happen to them. Like the Orca event at Sea World, some people will ask me if I worry about going out on the water and being pulled overboard by a killer whale.  Really...I'm serious here.  I can tell them that Orcas don't live here and not one has been sighted anywhere near where I live.  I can provide them with maps of distribution and various graphs containing statistical data, but it won't make a difference.  I also explain that I don't have a ponytail (anymore). The moment they find one measly article in the newspaper about an Orca attack, they cut it out and send it to C. to read.  It's as if they want to warn her for hanging out with such a reckless person who decides to sleep out on the water because they know that we'll be the next "statistic" to be reported as being consumed by a killer whale.

I'm just glad that my Higher Power goes along for the ride just as He is riding with the Blue Angels today.  

Are you feeling lucky today?

I saw on the news last night that a man walking along a beach on Hilton Head Island was struck and killed by a plane that made an emergency landing on the beach.  He left behind a wife and two children. My first thought was how sad and my next thought was what crappy luck.  Here you are, walking along a beach on vacation, and the next thing, your life is ended by a plane that hits you.

I also thought about my principal from elementary school who lived on a farm.  He would walk down his long lane each day to get the newspaper. One morning he took that walk to his mailbox and was hit by a car that ran off the road.  In both these circumstances I wonder was this luck, destiny or coincidence.  If either of these people had been delayed by a minute, their lives would have been spared.  What if the man on the beach had stopped to gaze at the ocean or look at a shell?  What if my principal had stopped to look over his farm fields or gaze at a wild flower as he walked his lane that fateful day?

I have heard people say that they believe in destiny and that luck has nothing to do with it.  My father would often say, "when your number is up, then it's your time to go."  I wondered about that.  I tried to imagine God sitting with the Big Book Keeper in the sky, going over names and saying, "Well, it's time for Syd to go. His number is up."  It just didn't make much sense to me then and it still doesn't. 

Maybe luck as destiny is the reason that some people don't seem to care about how recklessly they live life. They are the roulette players in life.  Nothing matters because it is all about fate. 

I am not one who believes in destiny.  I think that I have a brain, a heart and a conscience for a reason.  I think that I have choices that can influence my lot in life.  I realize that God does have a plan.  But I don't think that plan is arbitrary and capricious.  God has me here for a reason.  If I totally believed in luck and destiny, then nothing I did would change a thing. 

I think that living life on luck would lessen my purpose here.  If it all comes down to fate, luck and destiny, then why would I even want to live a life of purpose? On the other hand, I realize that much of the control that I have is really about my choices.  I can shape what is to come by the choices that I make. I also have faith that all will be okay this day as I turn my will and my life over to my Higher Power.  The faith that I have enables me to get through many things in a day that used to cause me to stumble, feel frustrated, and thwarted by fate. 

So yes, I do feel a bit lucky today to be enjoying life and not waiting for the plane to fall from the sky.  I'm going to stop and gaze at the ocean, pick up a shell, take a walk down a long lane, and row with the team tonight without any thought of destiny and fate. I am a lucky fellow!