There are no "musts"?

In Al-Anon, I often hear that there are no “musts”. Nobody tell others what to do about a situation. Newcomers are suggested not to make any major decisions during the first six months after coming to Al-Anon, simply because as we keep coming back and begin to get better, our perspective and attitudes change.

In healthy meetings, no one tells any one else what to do.  No one person is supposed to dominate.  And I've learned by working with those I sponsor that I can't enforce the unenforceable.

But I do know that if people are to get better and approach anything like serenity, half measures won't work. Half measures don't avail us half results; "half measures avail us nothing" (from Alcoholics Anonymous).  I heard this in a meeting a while ago: "I have to tell you from my 4 years of Half-Assing and No Musting, I think the folks that Get In, Do It, and Get Better are a WHOLE Lot Smarter than I found myself to be."

So my recovery was contingent on my working the whole program, not to cherry-pick the pieces that I liked. My sponsor told me what had worked for him and thousands of others. I took his suggestion to heart and action.  When I got stuck on a step, he described how he had gotten unstuck from the same step. 

I hear people in meetings talk about working the steps on their own. It's my opinion that trying to do these steps by ourselves constitutes attempting to fix what’s wrong with us with what’s wrong with us.  As much as we need to learn the “program”, we simply need help in it’s interpretation through the eyes and experience of someone who has made it work successfully.  

Also, I didn't want to intellectualize serenity.  I wanted a spiritual solution. If not for having an “unbiased” but caring bystander, I would not be able to see more clearly and understand those portions of myself that I have had a great deal of trouble dealing with.  And if you’re not sure what I’m referring to, there’s no doubt a sponsor or a spiritual mentor would be of great benefit.

Steps worked in solitary, are neither verifiable nor accountable, by virtue of our perversity when we first arrive. I know that I wasn't capable of applying a “program” I knew little about, and the results I would have gotten would have no doubt reflected that. 

I heard at the Al-Anon Convention this year a member say, "There are no musts in Al-Anon ... unless you want to heal and then there are twelve."

Know when to hold 'em

I had planned to come back from the speaker meeting last night and write a blog post. Instead, I ended up playing poker for nickels and dimes with a group of AA's who have been playing together for 15 years. I haven't played before but discovered that I apparently have a knack for the game, finishing with $7 more than I started with and having a streak of wins among seasoned and cut throat pros. These alcoholics take playing seriously! I was invited back for another round tonight and asked, "Are you sure you haven't played before?".

The speaker was good--humorous, yet poignant. Here were some things he said that stuck with me:

• an active alcoholic can go nowhere, do nothing and be okay with that
• we don't know much about the newcomer when they first arrive other than it hasn't been a very good year
• if you think that sobriety will come from just going to meetings, then you are trying to get well in a room full of sick people
• desperation is the propellant that takes a person through the steps. But desperation can wane over time, so delay with the steps can be risky.
• the self-pity of the past and worries about the future can rob a person of how to be in the present
• the bondage of self is self-created slavery
• the Judas step is the one that will betray you because you denied it was there
• the time to be happy is now, the place to be happy is here, and the way to be happy is to help others.

I am off to head to the Al-Anon speaker meeting and a full day of mini-meetings. My pockets are filled with enough change that I can pay for the picnic lunch! And that song about the Gambler keeps going through my head.

Priorities

I was just coming to from sleeping when my wife reached over, kissed me and said "I love you. See you later. I'm off to the gym." Today is training day. She likes the early shift with the personal trainer. I take the more civilized 10 AM shift because I am the night hawk. Last night, I actually turned out the lights at 11:45 PM.

We go there and stay in constant motion for an hour. Lifting, pushups, pull ups, timed planks, Peak 8 on the bike--I leave feeling euphoric because this intensity gives me an endorphin "high". I have either run, biked, rowed, swam, ridden horses, sailed, or kick boxed at some time in my life. I have to say that it has kept me fit, both physically and emotionally. It is a naturally congruent activity with recovery because I feel restored and better able to deal with what gets tossed my way by life.

It is so easy for me to slack off though and not truly push myself unless I am accountable to someone. But if someone is there taking me from one exercise to another, urging me on, I simply don't try as hard.

I talked with a fellow I sponsor about that yesterday. He and I finished up Step 12 over coffee. He was willing to do the work. After more than a quarter century in AA, he found that he needed something more. I met him at the Thursday noon Al-Anon meeting. Our energy connected, and he asked me to be his sponsor. Sponsoring a long-timer in AA can be a challenge because the programs are different.

I use a lot of AA material with my Al-Anon sponsees. They read the Big Book, the AA 12 x 12, and other AA material that I have. I use the AA fourth step inventory in addition to Al-Anon's extensive Blueprint for Progress. I believe that AA was the foundation of Al-Anon. The message is delivered a bit differently in the two programs.

I think one of the main differences that I have found between the programs is that Al-Anon has no musts--I suggest things that I would like those I sponsor to do. I am not demanding that they call every day, but I do suggest it. I don't demand that they go to more than one meeting a week but suggest it. And I don't demand that we keep moving forward one step at a time, but I suggest it.

The AA fellow I sponsor said that he would simply tell those who aren't doing the things that he asks (call every day, go to meetings, commit to a weekly schedule for step work) to find someone else who doesn't care about those things.

And herein lies the difference: I do care, but know that I cannot force anyone to do what they aren't ready to do. I tell them when they are ready to call me back, I will listen. I don't sever the connection but leave the ball in their court. I tell them that they can call me at any time. I don't pursue them over and over. I will make a call after a while when I haven't heard from them in weeks. I know that for some that phone weighs 800 pounds and is heavy to pick up! Most come back either out of desperation or when recovery resurfaces after there is a lull in whatever else they have going on.

And that is how the unmanageability of alcoholism keeps us from getting well. It seductively tells a person to stay busy with kids, husband, wife, work, play--a thousand things--rather than to take time to look at yourself. Do for others, focus on anything but the emptiness within. Stay safe within the cocoon of a chaotic life.

When I stopped filling every moment thinking about others and actually thought about myself, I realized how empty I was. Who was I? What was I beside a job, a husband, a yard man, a fixer? I had no close friends who knew the "real" me. I was a pretender.

I'm glad that I reached out, committed to doing the work with a sponsor, stayed focused on my recovery, and pass along how it worked for me to those who are willing. I am the coach who urges them along. I don't want to break them down, be a drill sergeant, but I will encourage and tell them what will happen if they follow the steps of the program. The promises of a better life will come true. And that is the truth.

P.S.--Keep those questions coming. I have gotten some good ones so far. Thanks for asking!

Until we meet again

Tonight was my sponsor's last home group meeting.  He leaves in four days for the other coast.  It was an especially touching meeting for me.  There were people who came to this meeting who have not come before. There were people who used to come who stopped by.  They came to share what this person has meant to them.  And I was flooded with memories of how we connected and started working the steps.

I can remember how we would sit together for an hour before the regular meeting and go through the steps.  We spent a lot of time together going through the fourth step book, Blue Print for Progress.  So many memories of how desperate I was to get the message, to listen, to have a solid foundation of peace which I saw in this person.  We shared a lot of information with each other and developed a level of trust that I haven't had with many people in my life.

I know that being across the country is not the end of the world.  I told him about Skype and how we can talk for free via our computers.  Nonetheless, it feels like a loss for me.  It feels as if I have moved to a place in recovery that I am grateful for, yet I also long for those times of desperation when we would sit and talk one on one.  I miss that.  I miss the learning process, the eagerness that I felt, the times that I needed to be heard and to hear words of encouragement.

He left me a notebook from his early days in Al-Anon and a bag of chips, including many of his own.  That is a special thing about this group--we celebrate the recovery birthday's of the members with a candle and cake and chips.  We will continue this tradition, although tonight the thought of this has an empty feeling.

This isn't an ending.  I sincerely hope that it is a beginning for him in his new home.  He will be near one of his children.  I want to say, "But what about me?"  I have to let him go because it is what he needs at this time in life.  That comforts me.  I am much the better person for having him as my sponsor.

Don't be dismayed at good-byes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends.- Richard Bach

A review of the "Codependent No More Workbook"

I was eager to read the latest book, Codependent No more Workbook: Exercises for Learning to Stop Controlling Others and Start Taking Care of Yourself by noted recovery author Melody Beattie.  Her ground breaking book, Codependent No More, was one that I read and re-read during my first year in Al-Anon.  I realized that my obsession with the alcoholics in my life was causing me a great deal of unhappiness and anxiety.  I was seeking to find out who I really was since my identity for so long had been enmeshed with others and their well being.  I got comfort from knowing that there was a solution to what I was feeling.

I learned from reading Melody Beattie that codependency is an adaptive but sick behavior.  The behaviors that are adopted from living around alcoholism are self-defeating and hurtful.  We learn not to feel, not to express our opinions, and not to trust.  As noted in the Workbook, "Most people with codependency issues feel genuinely unlovable. They attach themselves to people by caretaking, hoping to become indispensable instead." It is only if we are lucky enough to get to such a low point that we are isolated, feel unloved and alone, then there is a chance that we will seek help through a 12 step program such as Al-Anon, Co-Dependents Anonymous,  or ACOA.

And that is where the Workbook is so helpful.  The 12 steps of Co-Dependents Anonymous and how to work the steps form the "lessons" in the book.  Ms Beattie goes through each of the steps, providing examples of codependent behavior and how to use each step in recovery.  For example, in the lesson on Step One (We admitted we were powerless over others--that our lives had become unmanageable), she explains that control is a reaction to loss, that unmanageability doesn't have to define our lives and detachment is a powerful tool in recovery.

For those of us who are in 12 step recovery programs, this book provides a good review of the steps. But what I found most interesting were the numerous activities suggested for each step that will provide additional insight into your own recovery.  As I was reading the Workbook, I could see many opportunities to use the information when working with those I sponsor in Al-Anon.  I thought that the activities were particularly helpful for Step Three (Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God) which is often a hard step to grasp.  For example, she asks: "Who's creating the plan for your life? Before being exposed to the Third Step, did you think about who had control of your life and will?....Do you believe someone should take care of you because you take care of him or her? Or do you know that you can gently, lovingly, but with discipline when necessary, take care of yourself?"  I think that the activities would be a supplement to those that are provided through Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. 

There were a few points in the book that I questioned.  One was the idea of setting up an appointment to work Step Five (Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs) before beginning work on Step Four (Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves).  The fourth step in Al-Anon takes quite a while.  For me, it took about four months to complete the Al-Anon workbook Blueprint for Progress and to do a fourth step adapted from AA's inventory sheets.  I think that being thorough is important in doing a fourth step, leaving nothing out.

I also found little emphasis on the importance of a sponsor in working the steps.  A mention in the Workbook on whether one would have to pay for a fifth step did not resonate well with me.  Perhaps that is a possibility if the fifth step is done with a therapist, but I had hoped that more emphasis would be placed on the importance of getting a good sponsor who will be more than willing to be a guide through the steps and gladly spend the time to do a thorough fifth step.  Instead, Ms. Beattie mentions that having a program member or sponsor listen to the fifth step could be "dangerous" because the person could relapse or otherwise break confidentiality more readily than a trained professional would.  This seems contradictory to developing trust which is important in recovery.

I found her list of emotions, beliefs, and codependent behaviors to be thorough.  These would be quite useful in considering character defects and harmful behaviors in Step Six (Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character).  Although Ms. Beattie recommends immediately doing Steps Six and Seven after the Fifth Step, my experience has shown that an exhaustive Fifth Step requires a time of quiet reflection after completion.  Yes, it is exhilarating but can also be filled with a lot of emotion.  I needed to rest after the several hours that it took for my fifth step. 

I don't know if the codependency ever completely goes away.  Likely this is something that I will struggle with at times for the rest of my life.  But it helps to be aware of the problem, to understand detachment and boundaries, and that over-functioning in relationships doesn't work.  My work on focusing on myself and finding out who I am continues.  I think that a major message from Ms. Beattie's Workbook is that working the steps is the solution.  She writes, "Treatment is good. Going to Twelve Step meetings and enjoying fellowship is helpful too. But I've seen people go to groups and only talk about their problems. If you're looking for long-term change, the kind that comes from the inside out, work the Steps. They're the heart of this program, and they're the work we do. Then when you go to meetings, you can talk about the solutions too."  That is what I believe too. And by focusing on the solutions, I can see though how far I have come in meeting my own needs.


Title: Codependent No More Workbook
Author: Melody Beattie
Pages: 182
Genre: Mental Health, Psychology
Publisher: Hazelden
Pub. Date: April 1, 2011 (2nd ed.)


Follow the rest of the tour for more thoughts:

Monday, April 11th: Guinevere Gets Sober 
Wednesday, April 13th: Take Me Away

Monday, April 18th: I’m Just F.I.N.E.–Recovery In Al-Anon

Thursday, April 28th: Books, Movies, and Chinese Food

Monday, May 2nd: A Room of Mama’s Own

Wednesday, May 4th: Bookshipper

Step Studies: How To's?

There have been some issues about how the step study is being conducted at one of the meetings I regularly attend.  There has been a lot of cross talk, some snippy comments, and some focus on personalities and not principles. Last night at the study meeting, there was general disarray in which cross talk prevailed, people who walked in 10 minutes before the meeting was to close and who were there for the regular meeting were asked to participate in the step meeting, and no chair was present.  At the group conscience, we decided to try to come up with some guidelines on how a good study group would work. 

I have attended well run step studies in the past.  I think the thing that has been important with those was that whoever chaired the study meeting had worked the 12 steps and was basically walking the walk. I couldn't find anything on line about how to put together a study meeting in Al-Anon, so I came up with some thoughts based on my own experience.

• If the meeting is approved by WSO, then only conference approved literature may be used.  The Bible and the Big Book of AA are not conference approved for Al-Anon.  But there is a wealth of CAL from Al-Anon. The first step meeting I ever attended was one in which we read How Al-Anon Works.  It was a great introduction to the program and to the steps and traditions.  There are a number of other good CAL books such as the newly published Discovering Our Choices.

• I think that one of the first things to do is to decide what kind of meeting this should be: a step study or an Al-Anon book study. It could simply be called a "Study Meeting" which would enable attendees to not only read and discuss the steps, traditions, and concepts but to also read from other books such as How Al-Anon Works, Discovering Our Choices, and other CAL.

• There needs to be a decision as to who will be there each week to "lead" the meeting.  Having a back up person available would also be a good idea. It would be ideal to have someone who has worked the steps be there.  The "leaders" are simply there to maintain continuity not to lecture or to dominate. Since this will likely be a reading group, a suggested approach is to have a person read a few paragraphs and then briefly discuss the material. Avoidance of cross talk is highly recommended because it tends to slow things down. 

• The "lead" is willing to conduct the meeting according to the format. This person is obligated to uphold the group conscience from the chair; and be willing to explain the group's function and goals to newcomers and visitors before, during, and after the meeting. This person must be willing to interrupt an individual who is off the step and remind them of the purpose of the meeting.

• It's important to have a group preamble or group conscience statement which lays out the framework for the meeting. It defines our mission, the way we carry our message to others. It defines the ground rules of the meeting. It could, for example, make it clear that sharing at a step study meeting depends upon whether a person has direct experience with the 12 steps. The chair would also make certain that no cross talk occurs. There needs to be agreement on the meeting "rules"--e.g. no cross talk, sharing briefly and not going on and on, limit the group to those who arrived at the start of the meeting and not at the end.  It might be advisable to find a smaller room to have the study group so that individuals who come in for the regular open meeting don't disrupt the group. 

• The chairperson needs to keep the meeting focused.  At each meeting, the chairperson would announce the step or reading and the pages that will be covered. The chair would then ask people to read a few paragraphs and then discuss what resonated with each as they read.   A study meeting needs to stay on topic and not wander off into other directions.  This weakens the group and can also be frustrating. 

Study groups work!   They work by being very structured and specific. They work by putting the principles of Al-Anon ahead of our own (and other people's) personalities, and by keeping one aim above all else: carrying the message of the program to others who want it.  It isn't particularly productive to try to pass on to others something that you haven't got.

This just points out my experience.  I personally think that study groups, whether step or CAL book studies, are beneficial to recovery as long as they have some structure and leadership. 

Sorry for the long post.  I just had to get these thoughts down.  Maybe some of you on here will have some thoughts on how to improve this so that it will be useful as a guideline for the next group conscience meeting.  Please let me have your E, S, and H on this.

I'm just not willing

I have had quite a lot of drama lately with a sponsee. Without going into his story too much, just let's say that he is having some boundary issues. And the main issue is that he isn't respecting his boundaries. He makes a boundary, decides to toss it out and then cries foul when he gets a big plate of crap tossed back in his face from people that he is trying to control. He doesn't like the crap but can't seem to stop the behavior that leads to it being heaved his way.

And when the crap gets heaved at him, he decides to call me and moan on and on about how dreadful his life is, how sad and broken he is, how disrespected he is, and so on. I listen, make a few suggestions, get told that my suggestions aren't going to work because he is special and feels more deeply than most; that he is bipolar and that's a problem; that he doesn't want to be brainwashed by the program (he was in AA and NA but found those programs to be too restricting); and that he needs to follow his feelings wherever they take him.

So the other day after a particularly disturbing phone call where he said that he thought he might need to go to a psych ward, I told him that might not be a bad idea. I reminded him that I wasn't a therapist, guru, spiritual wizard, or Higher Power--instead, I am simply a person who has worked the steps and am willing to share with him how I did it, what happened as I worked the steps, and how I'm doing now.

I have decided that I don't want to be a part of the drama of sponsees. I am willing to listen but I also want to see some willingness on his part to do what is suggested. The Al-Anon books are pretty clear on the need for willingness in working the steps. And the Big Book of AA provides all anyone would need instructively on working the steps (even for Al-Anon although it isn't CAL for us).

I told him to call me when he was ready to get to work on the steps again. I know that I've got to set my own boundaries with this sponsee. I need a boundary in which I maintain my balance and not do for others what they and the God of their understanding can do for them. I want to be of service but not a crutch or substitute for someone's HP.

The path

"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path." from Alcoholics Anonymous

I like being reminded that the path to recovery has been blazed by others before me. Those individuals who began AA and Al-Anon wrote down what worked for them. And they passed it along to others, countless others, the most fortunate of which have learned a new way to live.

Occasionally in meetings, I hear someone ask if they can sponsor themselves. In Al-Anon, the word sponsor is used quite a bit. It is strongly suggested that those who work the steps get a sponsor who provides guidance on working the steps. Frankly I found that I needed the support
or perspective that only a sponsor could provide.

I found that the path to recovery wasn't treacherous. I trusted my sponsor to be a guide for me. He helped me around the obstacles that sometimes seemed insurmountable: trusting a Higher Power, letting go of control, learning to love myself. I didn't always see a clear path. And often I preferred to try the blocked path over and over, rather than look for a clear passage.

I have marveled at how fish, such as salmon, are able to find their way back to their natal stream. The going is rough and with miles of rapids and even waterfalls to leap. Yet, they persist in trying to find the stream where they were born. Sea turtles have a similar drive to lay eggs on the beach of their birth, and may swim many thousands of miles to reach that goal.

I'm glad that I finally found a clear path. It is sometimes uphill. I see how difficult it is for others to trust that the way is clear if one can persevere. But I'm glad that I did.

Steps to a new life

I found the following in some papers that I had from a meeting and thought that it was really a good summary of the Twelve Steps.

It feels good (First Step) to get honest about yourself, to admit to yourself what has been objectively totally obvious for a long time to anyone and everyone but yourself: that your life is unmanageable and you have been affected by someone else's drinking. Yes, it feels better to finally acknowledge that, rather than to keep on pretending otherwise.

And then (Second Step) it feels good, by fiat and out thin air, to start telling yourself that by reaching out and asking for help and by availing yourself of resources (call them powers, or even a Higher Power if you will) outside of yourself, you might actually get to the point where you have a decent life and stop hating who you are and learn to appreciate being alive.

And then, what the hell, it feels pretty darn good to (Third Step, and the one that few of us truly figure out how to do) abandon all your fears and worries, and for no good reason simply begin to trust that everything is going to be alright because that is the total opposite of what you’ve been doing for as long as you can remember and look where that got you. So you search inside yourself for some basis of feeling that things are going to be OK, and you begin to let go of your chronic and acute anxiety. You learn to trust. And to that end, you fashion some conception, any conception, of a "Higher Power" you can trust in and seek guidance from (which for purposes of convenience and because ultimately it feels silly to do otherwise you end up calling "God").

Getting back to that honesty thing again, even though it is enormously frightening and difficult to do so, it ultimately feels truly fantastic to (in the Fourth and Fifth Steps) take a long hard look at what you are as a human being, and to identify the many aspects of your personality and mentality that have played a causative role in producing so much of your unhappiness, and seeing how you could begin to respond to the situations you find yourself in in a different way, a way that is consistent with taking responsibility for who you are and how you are going to experience life, and to go through all this with another person.

And then (in the Sixth and Seventh Steps) there’s humility, and recognizing that as much as you want and need to change and grow out of and away from the very unhealthy propensities of personality you’ve identified, you’re never going to be able to completely do so and certainly not on the basis of your own individual resources.

Followed by (in the Eighth and Ninth Steps) facing up to the harm you’ve caused others, and acknowledging those wrongs to the people you’ve harmed.

And then (Tenth, Eleventh and Twelfth Steps) maintaining that honesty, hope, trust, responsibility, humility, and reliance on a "power" other than yourself while seeking to be helpful, kind, loving and tolerant of others for the rest of your life.

Spiritual malady

I've been wanting to comment on this for a while. If you've been going to meetings for a while, yet you still feel unrest and unsettled, maybe there is something else that could be done to remedy the situation.

It's not the external things that are unmanageable, although at times they can cause a lot of heartache. It's the inward unmanageability that made me miserable for so long. For me, I felt discontent, out of sorts with myself and others, and generally unhappy. With my disease of thinking, I had to get at the root of those issues that had affected me my entire life. I had to understand what the pain was within me.

For the alcoholic, it is clearly spelled out in the Big Book that a spiritual malady has symptoms like:

1. being restless, irritable, and discontented,
   
2. having trouble with personal relationships,
3. not being able to control our emotional natures,
4. being a prey to (or suffering from) misery and depression,
5. not being able to make a living (or a happy and successful life),
6. having feelings of uselessness,
7. being full of fear,
8. unhappiness,
9. inability to be of real help to other people (page 52),
10. being like "the actor who wants to run the whole show" (pages 60-61),
11. being "driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity" (page 62),
12. self-will run riot (page 62),
13. leading a double life (page 73),
14. living like a tornado running through the lives of others (page 82), and
15. exhibiting selfish and inconsiderate habits.

These symptoms of unmanageablity were prevalent in my life when I first came to Al-Anon and continued until I took actions to work at removing them. These actions were:

• Getting a sponsor
• Following the guidance of my sponsor
• Talking to my sponsor on a daily basis
• Working the steps with my sponsor
• Being of service to others
• Continuing to take personal inventory daily
• Using prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God daily
  

I don't know why there are those in the program who think that only going to meetings is going to solve the spiritual malady. It certainly helps to go to meetings, but unless there is recognition of powerlessness, the need to seek a Power Greater than myself, and being of service to others, I would not be getting the full promise of the program.

I hear people in meetings say that they have been coming for years to Al-Anon and yet, they don't have a sponsor, don't use a sponsor, don't work the steps, and wonder why they feel miserable. This program has so much to offer, if I choose to work it. I may know that I'm powerless but that's just the first step. There are Twelve Steps, not just one.

In working the steps, I learn to trust and accept what I hear in my interactions with other people in the group. I awaken spiritually to parts of me that have been blocked by my character defects. And I continue to grow spiritually through service to others.

So if I'm to benefit from all that Al-Anon has to offer and want the promises to come true in my life, then I need to work the complete program of recovery.

Having something to say

When I first started in Al-Anon, I shared but often felt a little apprehensive. There was still a lot of pain going on in my life. And there were meetings where I felt uncomfortable. After going to a lot of meetings, I've found that there has only been a time or two that I didn't share. And I've found that the meetings I go to are the ones where I do feel comfortable.

I've found that I get a lot out of listening to others. In fact, I would much rather listen to others than actually talk. But there is something about being in a meeting that makes me feel okay about sharing my E, S, and H. I can remember dreading having to tell my story the first time. Now, it doesn't seem difficult at all. I was so serious and in a lot of pain for that first year but this year, I have gotten the message and feel much better about myself and others around me. It's as if a thick cloud has disappeared and there is nothing but clear skies.

I sometimes wish that everyone would share or had a chance to do so in a meeting. Everyone in the meetings has a story to tell or an opinion. And I learn something from everyone. I also fully understand that it is difficult for people to share, to trust and open up to a group. I have been in a meeting where the person chairing was trying to push another to share. I believe that saying "I pass" is to be respected and no issue need be made of it. I thought that the lady who kept pushing the person to share even though she declined was being pushy. Meetings are not about control but about helping us to recover from being controlled or controlling.

And sometimes people will share off topic because they need to just get something off their chest. They may be hurting or have something that is really bothering them. I think that is okay because the meetings are there to help someone who is suffering.

I found the following information on sharing a message of experience, strength and hope at meeting level. I thought that these provided a simple guide to getting the most out of a meeting.

Part of sharing is sharing time. Give others a chance to share. Three minutes is all it should take to carry the message at meeting level. (Humility and Service - Steps 7 & 12)

If you share a problem, also share the solution. (Hope, Faith, Integrity and Service - Steps 2, 3, 5 and 12)

Sharing IS carrying the message and that means sharing about a spiritual principle or step. (Hope, Faith and Service - Steps 2, 3 & 12 and Traditions 1, 5 and 11)

If God wants you to share someone will call on you. (Faith, Integrity and Humility - Steps 3, 5 and 7)

When you have very little to say, then say very little. Do not start by saying, “I really don’t have much to say”, and then ramble for the next 15 minutes. It is selfish and it blocks others from sharing the real message by taking up valuable meeting time. Brevity is the hallmark of efficacy. (Courage, Integrity, Willingness, Humility and Service - Steps 4, 5, 6, 7 and 12)

A 12 Step meeting is not group therapy, counseling, church or a garbage dump. This is the place to carry the message of recovery, not spread your disease. You are there to carry God’s message, not your own. We are, at best, vessels for the message of a loving Higher Power. (Hope, Faith, Humility, Brotherly Love, Spirituality and Service - Steps 2, 3, 7, 8, 11 and 12 and Traditions 5 and 11)

After you share do not get up and walk right out. Set an example for the newcomers. (Willingness, Humility, Brotherly Love and Service - Steps 6, 7, 8 and 12)

If you can’t get to the meeting on time you have surrendered your right to share. (Willingness, Humility and Service - Steps 6, 7 and 12 and Tradition 11)

A step or topic meeting is about that step or topic. It is not about you. If you know little or nothing about the step or topic then listen rather than share.(Honesty, Integrity, Humility - Steps 1, 5 and 7)

If you share you should also contribute to the 7th Tradition. (Integrity, Willingness, Humility, Brotherly Love, Spirituality and Service - Steps 5, 6, 7, 8, 11 and 12 and Traditions 1 and 7)

Do not call on yourself. If you feel powerfully moved to share then politely attract the attention of the chairperson and wait to be recognized. (Honesty, Faith, Integrity, Willingness, Humility, Brotherly Love, Spirituality and Service - Steps 1, 3, 5, 6, 7, 8, 11 and 12 and Traditions 1, 2, 5, 9, 11 and 12)

Sharing is a means in which “God will constantly disclose more to you and to us.” I have not been able to maintain anything like ‘perfect adherence’ to these principles. I have been able to share the message more effectively when I ask God to work through me to help someone who is suffering. I keep coming back.

Building Bridges using the Twelve Steps

I read an article from the Forum magazine that was called "Building Bridges with Each of the Twelve Steps". The original article is by Barbara W. I have taken the idea and expressed what these bridges mean to me.

Step One is a bridge to surrender. I came into Al-Anon alone and feeling lost. I left that meeting knowing that there were others who shared my experience and were willing to extend a hand.

Step Two is a bridge to hope. I see that my life doesn't have to be miserable unless I choose to let it be that way. I see that others have what I want.

Step Three is a bridge to trust. I begin to develop a relationship with a power greater than myself and believe that my Higher Power will be beside me even in dark hours.

Step Four is a bridge to my character. I no longer have to judge myself or others but realize that my actions, reactions, and behavior have been part of my dis-ease.

Step Five is a bridge that allows me to let others in. I had the courage to tell God and another person about myself and felt accepted and loved for doing so.

Step Six is a bridge to readiness. I realize that those traits that have helped me survive alcoholism are not needed to protect me anymore. I can give them up and still live.

Step Seven is a bridge to humility. I am willing to have God remove my shortcomings. I no longer have to have my old ways but can see that God's way is better.

Step Eight is a bridge to willingness. I acknowledge that I have harmed others because of the disease of alcoholism. I am willing to forgive myself and others.

Step Nine is a bridge to responsibility. I take responsibility for my actions and understand that changes in behavior are needed.

Step Ten is a bridge to accountability. I can let go of the past and enjoy this day. I am no longer trying to lean into tomorrow or fall back into yesterday. I stand firmly in this day with head and heart in alignment.

Step Eleven is a bridge to God. I feel the nearness of my Higher Power and look to Him for guidance.

Step Twelve is a bridge to the world around me. I reach out to others and offer them what so freely has been given to me.

These are the bridges that I use to connect me to a new way of life.

More on sponsoring

Franny Glass asked if I would post more on the sponsor/sponsee relationship.

There is some great information from Al-Anon itself about what being a sponsor means. The pamphlet Sponsorship, What It's All About offers guidance on how to find a sponsor, what to expect of the relationship, and suggestions for sponsors.

I also found the following on line. I really like the "12 tips for being a sponsor":

1. You are powerless over your sponsee and your sponsee's life is unmanageable by you. Neither of you would be in Al-Anon if you didn't have problems with unmanageability.
2. You aren't in charge; your sponsee's Higher Power is. Believe that a power greater than either one of you can restore your sponsee to sanity.
3. Make a decision at the beginning of your relationship with your sponsee to turn the sponsee's will and life over to the care of a power greater than either one of you.
4. Be honest with yourself about your relationship with your sponsee. This is a great opportunity to observe your own behavior in a relationship.
5. Admit to your Higher Power, yourself, and your own sponsor when you don't know what to do.
6. Be ready to change things that aren't working: your schedule, the literature you work with, the response you give when your sponsee keeps bringing up the same problems.
7. Before meeting with your sponsee, you might find it helpful to say a prayer such as this: “Higher Power, use me to say whatever it is you want my sponsee to hear today.”
8. It is all right to make mistakes. You are not in charge of your sponsee's recovery; your sponsee's Higher Power is.
9. If you feel you have given a bad direction or suggestion, let the sponsee know.
10. It is all right if the relationship doesn't last. You may realize after a while that you are not able to work with a particular sponsee for whatever reason.
11. Seek through prayer and meditation to understand your Higher Power's will for you in your role as sponsor. Pray for the power to carry out that role.
12. Remember that you are carrying the message of recovery, nothing else. Take satisfaction from any sponsee who comes to understand and believe in the Al-Anon program of recovery.

And I found the following on the Qualities of Sponsorship from http://www.a-1associates.com/aa/Sponsorship.htm

1. I will not help you to stay and wallow in limbo.

2. I will help you to grow, to become more productive, by your definition.

3. I will help you become more autonomous, more loving of yourself, more excited, less sensitive, more free to become the authority for your own living.

4. I can not give you dreams or "fix you up" simply because I can not.

5. I can not give you growth, or grow for you. You must grow for yourself by facing reality, grim as it may be at times.

6. I can not take away your loneliness or your pain.

7. I can not sense your world for you, evaluate your goals for you, tell you what is best for your world; because you have your own world in which you must live.

8. I can not convince you of the necessity to make the vital decision of choosing the frightening uncertainty of growing over the safe misery of remaining static.

9. I want to be with you and know you as a rich and growing friend; yet I can not get close to you when you choose not to grow.

10. When I begin to care for you out of pity or when I begin to lose faith in you, then I am inhibiting both for you and for me.

11. You must know and understand my help is conditional. I will be with you and "hang in there" with you so long as I continue to get even the slightest hint that you are still trying to grow.

12. If you can accept this, then perhaps we can help each other to become what God meant us to be, mature adults, leaving childishness forever to the little children of the world.

And finally here is one that I give to my sponsees:

SPONSORSHIP -What It Is and What It Isn't

Four major points in sponsorship that most Twelve Step Fellowship members will agree on:

1.The primary responsibility of sponsors is to help their sponsees work the Twelve Steps.

2.A sponsor and sponsee have an obligation to discuss their mutual expectations, objectives, and requirements, if any, regarding the sponsorship relationship before they enter into that relationship.

3. A sponsor shares his or her experience, strength, and hope with his or her sponsee rather than trying to run the sponsee's life.

4. A sponsor must never take advantage of a sponsee in any way.

WHAT DOES A SPONSOR DO?

1. A sponsor's primary responsibility is to help a sponsee work the Twelve Steps by providing explanation, guidance, and encouragement.

2. A sponsor helps us get established quickly in our Fellowship by explaining basic concepts and terminology and by introducing us to other members.

3. A sponsor is a safe person who we can learn to trust.

4. A sponsor can answer the many questions that we have as newcomers or develop as "mid-timers."

5. A sponsor can help us in the process of self-examination that the Steps require.

6. A sponsor encourages us to read the basis text of our Fellowship and other program literature and to engage in Fellowship activities and service work.

7. A sponsor can monitor our progress, confront us when it is appropriate, and generally help us stay on the recovery path.

8. A sponsor reminds us to apply Twelve Step principles in our lives.

9. A sponsor models the Twelve Step program of recovery.

10. Our sponsor is available in times of crisis.

11. A sponsor provides practice in building relationships.

WHAT A SPONSOR DOES NOT DO

1.A sponsor cannot keep us in recovery.

2.A sponsor is not our therapist. The Twelve Steps are about spiritual growth, not therapy.

3.A sponsor should not attempt to control our lives or encourage an unhealthy dependence.

4.A sponsor should not take advantage of us or exploit us in any way.

FACTORS TO CONSIDER IN CHOOSING A SPONSOR

1.Has what we want.

2.Lives in the solution.

3.Walks the talk

4.Has a sponsor

5.Emphasizes the Steps

6.Has more time in recovery that we do

7.Has worked more Steps than we have

8.Is available for telephone calls and meetings

9.Emphasizes the spiritual aspect of the program

10. Gender is the same as ours

It is a privilege to sponsor someone. And it's one of the ways we stay in recovery.

Whew...

I told my story last night and greatly enjoyed it. My focus this time was on the 12 steps and what they have meant for me in recovery. I did provide biographical information as well but have found that focusing on my pain and suffering isn't what I want to talk about. Instead I want to talk about what happened to me to bring me to Al-Anon and how I've worked on my recovery.

I was happy that my sponsor was there. And I know that I wouldn't have gotten where I am today without such a compassionate and knowledgeable person. I am grateful, very grateful:

• That I have had the benefit of what this program offers and have been willing to accept being taught
• That I trusted what I saw at meetings and what my sponsor told me
• That I won't "graduate" from Al-Anon but have made a commitment to it as a way of living
• That I will always be a work in progress
• That I know myself better than before I started this program
  

"We are like many-faceted gemstones. Each side represents a different aspect of us. We have our emotional sides with different feelings and responses. We have our competencies and strengths, hopes and desires, destructiveness and negativity, self-doubts and resentments. We also possess a drive for power and knowledge, a desire to serve, and a wish to connect with others.

We need a working relationship with our thoughts and feelings so they can be appreciated, accepted, and understood. When we tell our story in a meeting, we let others know us, and we get to know ourselves better. When we are spontaneous in what we say or do, we communicate with ourselves. " From Touchstones

Telling my story

I'm going to tell my story at a meeting tonight. I don't think that it's a particular dramatic story. And maybe because of that, people will be able to identify with it. It's pretty much your run of the mill story of a person who has been affected by alcoholism for an entire life. I decided this time to focus more on the process of recovery through the steps. That to me is the real "meat and potatoes" of the program.

One of the interesting things that I ran across in my reading is a list of the primary characteristics of adult children of alcoholics. I found that I could identify with many of these:

• Guessing at what normal behavior is--I never really knew what normal was, other than what I surmised from books.
  
• Having difficulty following a project through from beginning to end--never had trouble with this.
  
• Lying when it would be just as easy to tell the truth--not something that I did chronically
  
• Judging themselves without mercy--oh yes...
  
• Having difficulty having fun--I did have fun but also restricted the fun that I would have.
  
• Taking themselves very seriously--definitely
• Having difficulty with intimate relationships--sometimes
• Overreacting to changes over which they have no control--I never liked changes
  
• Constantly seeking approval and affirmation--definitely
• Usually feeling that they are different from other people--all my life
  
• Extreme responsibility or irresponsibility--mostly responsible to a fault
  
• Extreme loyalty, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved--definitely
• Impulsivity - tending to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess--I've been known to be impulsive at times.
  

From going back over my past, I can see that many of these characteristics were acquired during childhood. And add to that a long-term marriage to an alcoholic, it isn't hard to see how unmanageable my life was. It's now comforting to see as I think about my story just how far I've come. There's still a ways to go, but every day is a new opportunity to practice what I've learned.

First GR meeting, the steps and the weekend

I went to the first GR meeting yesterday. There were some people that I knew and others that I was glad to meet. It seemed like any other club meeting with motions and voting. Not bad at all actually. I was sorry that one of the groups that I attend regularly didn't have a GR there. It's a large meeting with regularly around 30+ people attending so they do need to be represented in the district. I'm going to see if I can't recruit some one on Tuesday evening when I go to the meeting.

Today was spend out on Compass Rose. It was much cooler and blustery. Great sailing weather and the local university was hosting a regatta in the Harbor so I could watch them negotiate the course. It was really picture perfect today--blue skies, low humidity, clear and cool. My kind of weather. I got home too late to go to the 8 PM meeting but hopefully will be able to pick up an extra meeting this week.

I've been listening to another Step Study on my IPod. The speaker is a character, been in prison and murders the grammar but he makes a lot of sense when doing the steps according to the directions in the Big Book. He is a strong believe in doing things according to the facts of the book. He says that there is nothing in the book about waiting a year before doing the steps or going to 90 meetings in 90 days, or not having a relationship within the first year. None of that is pertinent according to this guy because it isn't written in the book.

My SO has a sponsor who insists that she wait at least a year before doing the steps because the brain is too scrambled in the first year to do anything. The guy that I'm listening to on the step study states that there is great danger in delaying because it is through the steps that real recovery begins. I won't tell my SO how to work her program but can pray and hope that she will see the need to begin the steps. Actually, she really only needs to do Step 3 and Step 5 with another person, and that person doesn't have to be her sponsor. I really hope that things will move forward for her.

I'm tired now and it's a good tired feeling from being on the water. I've looked back over my day and can't find anything that was wrong with it. That's a rare and good day indeed.

No Half Measures for Me

The Big Book states, "Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked for His protection and care with complete abandon." I've never been a "half measure" type of person. That used to be a problem for me because I wanted everything done in the best way possible and was incredibly hard on myself (and others).

Now, I can see that maybe the application of my desire to do the best that I can do has it's place in my recovery. I can choose to do the footwork, the steps, and be honest with myself and with my sponsor. Or I can hold back and not fully work towards my recovery. I believe that in order to recover, I have to clean house and trust in my HP.

So for me, it's really about giving myself to this program. It's all or nothing. It means working all aspects: steps, literature, traditions, service. I have to put time and energy into getting better because going back to being the person that I used to be isn't an alternative for me. I won't be a quarter horse. I would rather start out steadily and go the distance. Like they say, "It works if you work it."

Stepping the mast

Today I worked on stepping the mast. There are shrouds and stays that had to be straightened out and the mast pinned. It is a heavy lifting job to get the mast stepped and pinned. One of the problems was that after pulled the boat from the water to my yard, I had to find a clear spot that didn't have a tree canopy. That was a problem because there are a lot of trees here.

In short, it made things much more difficult because every time I nearly got the mast raised, I'd run into a large branch. So then the mast would have to be lowered and the boat moved slightly. I finally gave up and decided just to clean the boat and save the raising until tomorrow.

I'm making small steps with the boat. I have missed going to my meetings and will go tomorrow. I need to make some small steps in my program and attitude as well.

Cleaning things up

I worked on the boat some yesterday. I decided to take a couple of days off because of having spent so much time at sea. So I got a scrub brush and started with the hull, scrubbing away to get rid of any mold. It's in amazing shape and already looks very nice and clean.

It's peaceful to work on something and make it look new or nearly new again. I get such satisfaction out of restoring things. And I take great care of those things that I do have. I suppose it's an appreciation of all the hard work that it takes and once I get it where I want it, I don't want to have to go back over it again and again. Just maintain what you've got and not let it go into decline.

That's the way I see my program as well. I want to take action steps to move forward in restoring myself and not slide backwards. I don't mind going back over the steps since they are really what keep me maintained in a state of sanity and serenity. This is a program of action.

Throwing dishes

At last night's meeting, the topic was about how to let go of anger when there is a confrontation. One of the men shared that he doesn't accept having plates thrown at him anymore but generally is able to not buy into other verbal assaults from his wife who is an alcoholic.

I've experienced the plate throwing myself but at the time. I tried to calm things down only to find out that probably wasn't the best thing to do. When faced with unacceptable behavior, I have a choice to either "leave the field" of fight, try to reason, or get into the fray and try to out yell the other person. I've never been good at confrontations so I've generally tried to reason with the alcoholic which is a waste of energy and gets me no where. Now since being in Al-Anon I know that I don't have to be around such unacceptable behavior and can choose to leave. Even if I walk away for just a few minutes, it can help diffuse any anger that I'm feeling.

Treating others with compassion who are angry is something that requires use of the steps. As has been pointed out so many times, the steps are a way to live life and relying on help from our HP is a great help when times are difficult.