Pain

We spent yesterday morning at the cancer center in town where my wife got her biopsy for a suspicious "something" in her breast. When she came out, she was pale and nauseous from the pain. She had no idea that the procedure would be so painful.

She was given one shot of Lidocaine and then a 200 lb. nurse pressed on her breast as hard as he could. This was followed by four cores being taken and finally a clip put into the suspicious area found by ultrasound. One of the cores and the clip placement caused her to almost levitate off the table from pain.  Modern medicine has come a long way, but it would seem that pain management still needs some work, especially because some areas of the body are more sensitive to pain, such as those with more nerves. And the breast is certainly one of those sensitive areas.

Anyway, she got through all of that but was in a lot of pain on the way home. She wasn't given anything for the pain but told to take Tylenol which she bought at the pharmacy and promptly took.  The pain continued on the way home. At home, she was miserable. Finally, after putting an ice pack on the area, she was able to sleep. She will not have results until later today or tomorrow.

Today, she is busy working in the backyard, putting in perennials around the various beds.  It is a beautiful day.  Spring is glorious here in this part of the world. So many green sprigs, so many azaleas and flowering shrubs, and days that are warm with cool nights.

Please keep my wife in your thoughts. I honestly don't know what I would do without her.  And also think of my first sponsor who is having a hard time with the chemo treatment for his lung cancer.  He is now being helped through Hospice and has decided to not continue the treatments because of how sick he feels.  I haven't fully grasped the outcome of this.  Right now, all of us are taking this one day at a time.

Another beginning

I don't like New Year's and all its celebrations.  The point of celebrating another year gone seems like wishing my life away. And at this point that is what it is.  I am becoming more aware with each passing year that time is slipping away.  I am not looking forward to 2014 because I think it's best to just stay in this day and not project all kinds of good or bad things about the future.

I can hope though. And I surely hope that 2014 will be good, because in so many ways this past year was difficult. There is nothing to do but improve on last year.  As they say, there is no where to go but up.

I realize that I can make the most of every day, even though they seem to be slipping away from me at an alarming rate.  I can't make the days slow down or the minutes of our lives stop ticking away.  And each day gone is a day that I can't get back.

Sometimes I think about all the time that I spent being unhappy and filled with self-pity--feeling sorry for myself because of so many years spent with alcoholics, time spent worrying about someone else, days spent wishing I were someone else.  The sad litany of a person out of sorts with themselves--adrift and basically unconscious about so much.

I feel less out of sorts these days. I am able to bounce back from disappointments and despair a lot quicker than I once did. But I still have my moments of sadness and a feeling of unease when the disease of alcoholism comes through at the most unexpected moments.  I still think about what life would have been like if there had been no alcoholism around me.  The "what ifs" are a dead end street.  The past can't be redone, but I don't have to keep living in it and repeating it.

So on this last day of 2013, I am going to look at it as another day to do the next right thing. It isn't a special day because it's New Year's Eve, but one like any other in which I can choose to move forward, say a kind word to others, and practice the principles of love and acceptance.  If I can do that every day, then there is nothing to fear in seeing one year gone and another beginning.

Expectations as pre-meditated resentments

Yesterday, we awoke to find that the electricity to the pump house and well pump was off.  There is a break in the wire somewhere which means that the wire has to be located, the break found, and a new wire put in conduit.  I rigged up extension cords to run the water pump and deionizing system so we do have water.

The day started out on a downer and went down hill from there.  I was stuck in the gloom of sadness. We found notes from Mom and photos of her and Pop on fishing trips with us.  They were fairly young and vigorous then.  She also saved every single letter from C. when she was in the Peace Corps.  Every one that came from that little village in Ethiopia were right there in a labeled folder. And the one that I picked up to read was about her drinking on Christmas Eve.  I put that letter away and didn't bother to read any more.  Reading about drinking and trying to find Christmas carols on an old radio didn't help my frame of mind.

But as I know only too well, I can start the day over. So I went to a meeting in the early evening. The topic was on expectations and how to have relationships that aren't filled with pre-meditated resentments based on expectations. It was just what I needed to hear.

My expectations have crept back in lately. I keep expecting that every day will be filled with joy.  I keep expecting that people will not disappoint.  I keep expecting that some semblance of sanity will return to the world.  I keep expecting that I will be able to get all the tasks done that I need to do in a day or two.  I keep expecting that people will be givers and not takers. With so many unreal expectations, it's no wonder that I feel overwhelmed and a bit lost.

I know that feeling sad and disappointed will pass.  I simply have to sit with the feelings for a bit and then move on to do something else.  This life has its joys and sorrows.   And all I can do is ride them out, one day at a time.

Today is a new day.  We are going to lunch and then to see a movie.  Time to take a break from the seemingly endless packing of the parent's house.  Time to take care of ourselves, hug and be together.

“joy and sorrow are inseparable. . . together they come and when one sits alone with you . . remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.”― Kahlil Gibran

Ninety Days, Just Ninety Days

The new book by Bill Clegg, Ninety Days: A Memoir of Recovery,  begins where Portrait of an Addict as a Young Man ends.  Mr. Clegg, an admitted crack addict, has been released from the psych ward at Lenox Hill Hospital after a two-month bender that ended in a suicide attempt.  He has lost his business, his money, his partner, and most of his friends. 

Thus begins his journey to achieve 90 days free of alcohol and substance abuse.  He sees this as the Holy Grail of achievement, becoming the one thing that he needs to accomplish.  The magical "ninety-in-ninety" in which he goes to ninety meetings in ninety days, is seen as his ticket back to some semblance of the life that he used to have before drug addiction. 

But what happens, just short of 90 days, is he relapses.  It is one of those split second decisions that a non-addict doesn't understand.  He is alone in his own apartment when the thoughts of getting high take over.  In his words, "CALL SOMEONE! I say out loud, but even as I say the words I know it's too late. My mind whizzes with ways to get drugs."  He visits the dealer and doesn't return home for two days.  

The story of his struggle with relapsing is something that is only too familiar to those who know about addiction.  Mr. Clegg struggles to understand why his mind goes "less than a moment between fleeting thought and full-blown fantasy" about using. 

When he finally realizes that there is something beyond his own need and ability, a connection to something greater than his addiction, the reader has been on a roller coaster ride of lies, shame, relapses--the unremitting insanity of addiction.   

I think that these words in the book sum up how Mr. Clegg eventually makes the decision that he is done: "All you had to do was get honest, get sober, and offer help to a few addicts and alcoholics along the way." If you or others that you know have been affected by alcoholism or addiction, this is a book filled with hope.  And it offers a solution that the author found.  

The book is an intense and quick read.  I wanted him to achieve his goal of ninety days.  And every time he hit rock bottom, I was hoping it was the last time.  This is an honest book about addiction.  It chronicles the insanity of the disease and the landscape of recovery:  The repetition of meetings, those who cycle in and out to use again, the slogans, the sponsors, the addicts who are struggling to make their own ninety days stick and to keep going one day after another.   What it may give those of us who aren't addicts is a bit more compassion for those who are sick and suffering. 

"If you are struggling with drugs and alcohol, go to the rooms where alcoholics and addicts go to get and stay sober.  These rooms and the people in them are your best chance.  Listen to them, be honest with them.  Help them--even if you think you have nothing to offer.  Be helped by them.  Depend on them and be depended on.  And if the only thing you can do is show up, do it. Then do it again. And when it's the last thing you want to do and the last place you want to go, go.  Just go. You have no idea who you might be helping just by sitting there or who might help you." ~ Bill Clegg, Ninety Days: A Memoir of Recovery

Ninety Days: A Memoir of Recovery by Bill Clegg

Published by Little, Brown and Company 

Publishing Date: April 10, 2012 

ISBN-10: 0316122521 

ISBN-13: 978-0316122528

Waste in worry

A day full of errands and meetings has me tired this evening.  I went to the noon meeting, met my local sponsor for lunch, worked out doing interval training, got clothes to the nursing home, had a sailing club meeting tonight and am finally getting a few moments of quiet.

Tomorrow we are going on the boat for the weekend.  A good friend of mine has offered to visit the father-in-law at the nursing home and chat with him.  He still does not want to see either me or his daughter.  But it isn't right for him to be left all alone in a strange new place.  This friend likes to listen to stories about the war, and he is patient.  He thought that it would be good for him to visit the old man and keep an eye on him, take him some snacks and just chat.

I am ready for some "blank" time in which I listen to the waves hitting the hull and feel the gentle rocking of the boat, not thinking of anything really.  The past week has been a trying one.  I am looking forward to escaping for a few days.  It's amazing how easy it is to get an attitude adjustment by being on the boat.

Today's meeting topic was on worry.  God knows I have done my share of that.  The worry was more like an anxiety that truly was a symptom of just how unmanageable my life was.

I inherited the worry gene from my parents who were telling me all kinds of things to watch out for--mostly people who were going to screw me in some way.  So much negativism creates anxiety.

I can remember worrying about money, grades, relationships, parents, work projects, animals--so much time spent worrying about things that I really had no control over.  I would put together lists of things to get done and then worry that the lists weren't inclusive enough.  It was sheer insanity.

Some time before coming into Al-Anon, when I was at my worst in terms of unhappiness,  I quit caring about the lists and worrying about what might happen in the future.  I didn't know about the idea of One Day at A Time then.  But I had gotten to the point that I didn't much care what happened today or tomorrow.

Not I know that worrying doesn't help anything go smoothly or get better.  It doesn't help me get things done or have a better day.  In fact, it pretty much ruins the day.  I can't explain the change in me, other than to say that I have been able to let go of outcomes and have come to a place of accepting what happens.  And somehow that is enough to switch off the worry gene most of the time.

I'm going to keep the worry at bay for the rest of this day.  I'm too tired to be worried about anything.  Tomorrow isn't here yet.  Who knows what it will bring?  I'm not going to worry about it.

Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.  ~Leo Buscaglia

Savor

Some days, like today, I stare at the computer screen, and I swear that nothing is in my head.  It feels as if there is a great void there when it comes to writing anything.

I could tell you about meeting up yesterday for lunch with a fellow I sponsor.  He went through the 12 steps, decided that 12 step programs weren't for him, but tells me that I changed his life.  He is in graduate school studying to be a counselor. I don't know whether I changed anything, but I spent a lot of time with him going through the steps.  I think that the steps changed him.

I could tell you that one of the dogs who is 12 is not feeling well.  I worry about the old ones. They have been so faithful.  I have lost too many of them in the last year or so.

I could tell you that I went to my home group last night.  It was as if I was surrounded by comfort.  Our group is small, but we all care about each other.  A newcomer, who has alcoholic parents, is opening up more and more to share her pain and is looking for a solution.  She said that she got the courage to share because she heard us talk about our life with alcoholism--with smiles and laughter.

I could tell you that I am meeting another man I sponsor today. He is doing the fourth step which is like a marathon in Al-Anon.  He is willing, and I am willing. That helps us both.

I could tell you that my wife and I will celebrate our wedding anniversary on Saturday.  This year, we are going fishing together.  No gifts other than love.  There is much history between us, and it is rich and full and complex.  But love seems to be the common denominator of our years.

I could tell you that I am grateful for today.  I know that it will have its challenges just as every day of life does.  But if I got up and knew that every day was going to be the same, I think that life would lose its savor.  I much prefer a little spice rather than flat and bland.

There, I've written something.  My brain just needed a jump start.

When you love someone, the best thing you can offer is your presence. How can you love if you are not there? ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

The spice of life

I am going down to the boat today but not leaving the dock.  Her decks are being refinished with non-skid and new Awlgrip will be sprayed on her cabin top over the next couple of weeks.  So far, all has been sanded, faired, filled, masked,  and a coat of primer shot on the surface.

This is probably one of the most costly jobs to do on a boat.  I received three cost proposals, two of which were about $20,000.  The third proposal was from a fellow who doesn't work with a boat yard.  He has been written about in various sailing magazines for his work with Awlgrip, the paint that most people use on boats.  I have seen his work on Le Pingouin which was the most recent winner of the round-the-world Velux race.  His bid was a third of the boat yards.  So with some sweat work from me, we are doing the boat together.

I do miss going out on the water and anchoring.  But it is good to see the progress being made on the boat.  It helps me to keep busy since the last week has been filled with a lot of issues with my wife's parents.  Both of us have felt a bit weighted down with concern over how the parents are doing.  I know that we take each day as it comes which is all that anyone can do.

A load of Ethiopian spices arrived yesterday in the mail.  We are going to be making some traditional Ethiopian dishes including injera, the traditional bread.

This is made with the help of teff flour. The injera is spread with the various dishes and then torn off and rolled.   Berbere is a characteristic ingredient in almost all Ethiopian recipes. This spice is a mixture of chili pepper powder, dried garlic and onions, salt and many other herbs. Ginger and garlic add amazing flavors to Ethiopian recipes.

My wife was in the Peace Corps in Ethiopia.  She spent two years there, teaching school in a small village.  She loves the people and the food.  But this will be our first experience at making injera and the various dishes.  We'll experiment on ourselves and then have some people over to have a taste.  The spices already make the kitchen smell wonderful.

I am meeting with my local sponsor today for lunch.  Tomorrow night, I hope to go see a friend pick up his 21 year chip.  And tonight, maybe it is time to go to the Coastal Carolina Fair!

Some new family

The couple that are watching after my wife's parents are wonderful.  I stopped by yesterday to visit and saw such an improvement in the parents.  Both were smiling and had put on weight.  My mother-in-law was dressed up and wearing lipstick.  It was amazing to see the difference that just three weeks has made in their demeanor and physical appearance.

The only difficult thing to think about is that the couple may not be there for long.  Their career is in estate management.  Their last position was running the palace of a Saudi prince in which over 100 staff were employed and supervised.  The gig before that was managing staff at a couple of Swiss chalets owned by a wealthy family.  They have managed estates in France as well.

As they were telling me that they were in-between jobs at the moment, I began to feel small and fearful.  I thought about the happiness of my in-laws at the moment and how that could disappear suddenly should the couple's agent find them a new estate to manage.  When I talked to C. about it, she cried because she knows how attached her parents have become to this couple who have only been there a short time.  They are erudite, speak several languages, are kind, and gentle.  And they treat the parents with utmost respect.  They admitted that they have come to love the parents also.

This morning I realized that there are no guarantees with much except death.  I don't need to become worried about what might happen.  It is still one day at a time.  We can "cross the bridge" of finding another couple to live in should we need to do so.

I also know how our egos have a way of manifesting to let others know what our usual situation has been.  If I am suddenly driving an old beat up truck, I might be tempted to tell others that I usually drive a Porsche.  Leaving a palace to do caregiving at a suburban home represents a major change.  I understand and can empathize, although I have not ever lived in a palace.

In the meantime,  we have two new family members in Karin and Elias.  They, the parents, and the next door neighbors who helped facilitate the job for Karin and Elias are coming to dinner next Thursday evening.  We are going to make the most of the time we all have together.  And that is what truly matters.

If a man happens to find himself, he has a mansion which he can inhabit with dignity all the days of his life. ~James Michener

Mixed bag of feelings

Today has been a mixed bag of things.  It started with my finding a dead baby raccoon.  I saw it last night when I went out to walk the dogs late in the evening.  The raccoon was near the feeders where I put down corn and other sweet feed for the squirrels, raccoons and opossums.  It was staggering around and not acting right. At one point,  the baby flopped over on his side and just laid there.  I thought perhaps it was sick, but thought that I would put out some salmon cat food for it to eat.  Sadly, this morning as I was walking around the house, I saw the little body hanging just over the edge of the watering pool that we installed for the critters during the recent drought. 

Good bye Captain Smith

After burying the raccoon, I came in to read the newspaper.  There on the front page was a story about a plane crash that happened near one of the islands that we go to on the boat.  The aircraft was a flying zodiac, a recreational ultra light.  Sadly,  the two people killed were the captain and first mate of one of the charter vessels that we have seen for several years at our favorite anchorage.  Just this past Sunday,  we waved at each other as he was anchoring near us.  He has an 18 year old daughter and a newborn son.  You just don't know.  One morning you get up, decide to have an adventure doing something you love, and fall from the sky. 

So after all this, I went to a meeting.  And miraculously,  I felt much better.  I think that I am not able to make sense of what happens in this world.  I don't have to.  I just do my best to live each day well.  And trust that there will be another day tomorrow.  As a blogger friend writes with her posts, "Every day matters." Yes, it does.

You may be right

I started out the morning with a huge limb from an oak tree blocking the lane.  The limb was hollow and came crashing down as I was leaving to run some errands.  Even though it had a hollow core, the huge limb was heavy and required about a half hour with the chain saw to cut it up.  Life is exciting in the country.  I am glad that it didn't fall across someone's car. 

Later in the afternoon,  I took another group of fifth graders on a tour of one of the coastal barrier islands.  They were interested and inquisitive.  I don't mind being around children who have an interest in learning.  It was a fun afternoon. 

I heard a saying the other day that I hear frequently in Al-Anon:  "You may be right."  This is supposed to be used when some one is argumentative and trying to push their point.  It sounds a bit trite and even smug.  I have never liked it.  It worked better in that old Billy Joel song.  Maybe it has become too much of a cliche.  I also don't like the response of "How's that working for you?" when someone exhibits behavior that is destructive.  It seems to smack of sarcasm.  I used it one time with a really bright fellow I sponsored who looked at me and said, "I expected better from you."  I got his point. 

I felt a bit low down this evening.  I know that I have some anxiety over how my old dog is doing.  I wish that there would be no drama and nothing to worry about.  But life has other plans.  For today, things are pretty good.  I managed to shake a feeling of dread earlier by simply writing out a gratitude list and thinking back over the day.  The center of things is holding at the moment.  There is nothing that is provoking an immediate crisis.  I just get to hold on and let tomorrow unfold as today closes. 

Don't give up

I am constantly reminded that life is truly one day at a time.  Yesterday the vet called with good news. Timmi was doing much better.   His renal values went to normal, and he ate a good meal at the vet's.  Knowing that all this can change at any moment,  I opted to bring him home and continue to flush out his kidneys using subcutaneous fluids here.  So he is happy to be home and ate about a pound of deli ham last night (his choice of a homecoming meal).  We don't know whether the kidneys will continue to function, but we are willing to do what we can to help him.  He was wagging and playing with his hedgehog last night before bedtime. This morning,  he ate a pound of thin sliced turkey.  Looks as if we are cooking for three for a while.

I went to my home group last night.  The fellow who cried because he had difficulty reading has been coming regularly. He now reads and shares regularly, saying that he is grateful to have found a group that has accepted him.  He handed out a daily reader last night to each of us. In his shy way, he said that he ordered these as a gift to us.  It didn't matter that it was about Jesus.  Just the gesture was so touching to me.  He didn't give up and has found a place that feels like home to him. 

There were a couple of newcomers to this group.  One I had met on my trip a few weeks ago when I sailed south.  He is in the "other" fellowship.  This was his first Al-Anon meeting, and he was doing his best to be the center of attention. I kept thinking of the Big Book's familiar phrase about being an actor who wants to run the show.  It is interesting to see how egos present themselves when someone is taken out of their familiar environment.  He definitely has a lot of alcoholism in his family, so hopefully he will learn some of the gentle ways of Al-Anon if he continues to come to meetings.  Maybe he will find something that helps him to not only stay sober but live sober as well. 

The other newcomer was there because his brother received his fourth DUI and tried to run over someone while drunk.  He is now in jail facing all kinds of charges.  The newcomer is struggling with detaching with love and establishing boundaries.  He loves his brother but realizes that he can't help him.  Struggling with sadness and anger, the newcomer doesn't want to give up on himself.  He has reached out a hand, and a bunch of us took it.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring.   I am truly grateful for events unfolding today.  I'm not giving up on the old dog, on the newcomers at meetings, or on life.

When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
~Author Unknown

No time like the present

I have been reflecting over the weekend on how I seemed to have been leading a programmed life, rather than one filled with much spontaneity.  The programmed life is the one in which I studied, got a job, got married, bought a few houses, and had a good career.  A programmed life is pretty much the norm in society.  But it does have its down side--such as those things that are put off because they are stray variables in the program.  When I think back on how many things that I have put on hold because the timing wasn't right or the situation didn't suit, I am amazed that I have gotten so much done.

It seems that I have always "sacrificed" what I wanted to do for those things that I thought I should do.  I should study so I won't do something for fun.  I should go for a higher degree so that I will get a better job.  I should make more friends but find it hard to get to know and stick with people.  I should do something about my attitude and fears around alcoholism but am ashamed to admit there is a problem.  The circumstances go on and on in which I put things off because of some other pressing thing that I thought had to be done.

I like to think that after so many years of putting off the things that I really wanted to do, I am now finally doing them.  I have had goals all my life.  And those goals kept me busy working towards their achievement.  I didn't hitchhike across country because I was in college or graduate school. We didn't have any children because the time never seemed right with both of us being so invested in our careers.  The amazing thing is that I have few regrets because I realize that the choices made were fairly well thought through at the time.  Or at least they seemed to be.

To me it seemed that it was a rational decision to keep going in school.  It seemed rational not to have a hiatus in a career because of a child.  It seemed rational to save money because we would need it for later in life.  So many things were put on hold to do at some time in the future.  

And so the years have slipped past.  As I get older, I realize that there were many things that I put off for some other time.  And the years are going faster now than ever it seems.  Some things were put off because I was so absorbed with the effects of alcoholism that my sense of living had become dulled.  I kept hoping that maybe someday things would change, and I wouldn't be so uptight about her drinking. Those were years of putting one foot in front of the other with occasional excursions of enjoyment.

It really is only now that I have begun to realize that there is no time like the present to do those things that I really enjoy.  It seems implausible that I worked for 31 years and had hobbies that took time.  Now that I am free from working at a job, I am trying to do those things that I enjoy and not putting them off.  I keep cramming things on my plate like a kid who is told to have free rein in a candy store.  I can't seem to get enough of living each day to the max.

And I have given up a few things that over time no longer were fun.  I discovered that one of the hobbies that I had enjoyed for so long was no longer giving me pleasure.  In fact, it had become a hassle. So I gave it up.  In its place, I took up sailing that gives me enormous pleasure.  It is a more solitary undertaking which I seem to enjoy.  I can take people in small bits but realize that I really need time to myself. And I took up recovery that made me realize  I don't have to curtail my activities because of alcoholism.  I can do those things that I like without regrets or fear of what might happen. Working with others in Al-Anon has also given me joy, and the friends made are genuine.

Buying a sailboat was something that I put off until retirement.  And now I am seeing that the present is filled with wonderful things because I do have the time.  I am no longer procrastinating about those things that I want to do.  I want a life well lived.  And to be fully engaged with it right up to the very end.  I don't want to be programmed anymore with schedules so that every moment is planned out.  I want to have spontaneity and freedom.  So for me, there is no time like now to get moving and start enjoying each day.

It is chili

Many thanks to those of you who made suggestions and even provided recipes.  I am taking some from each of what you sent and making an amalgamated chili that should be good.  If I get a placement, that will be cool and totally unexpected. One of the things that gave me pause was adding a can of beer to the chili.  But alcohol evaporates in the cooking process, so I don't think that is an issue. 

But living with an alcoholic will make one a bit paranoid about beer and wine in cooking.  I remember early on in recovery, we were both having lunch at a nice restaurant.  We wanted to share a dessert so I asked the server what the desserts were.  She rattled off a bunch.  C. thought that Bananas Foster would be good.  So I asked what was in it! When the server said that it had rum and banana liquor in it, I immediately said, "Oh no, we don't want that." 

There it was--out of my mouth in an instant.  I was fearful about the alcoholic having anything to do with alcohol, or even thinking about alcohol.  Yes, I was new to recovery, but thinking back on that moment of insanity, I realize how far I have now come.  I don't need to protect anyone from themselves.  That isn't up to me.  What a relief!  So I am going to put a can of beer in the chili and trust that no one at the cookoff is going to go off the deep end and start guzzling the entire pot. 

Yesterday, we did lose power for a while.  It wasn't a big deal as we nearly always lose power at least a few times a year out here in the country.  The fire was warm and the nap that I took on the couch was delicious.  Today I am going to go down to the boat and check on things there.  It is still in the 30's here but at least there is no rain.  And later this evening, I am going to a meeting.  Another day to make of it what I can. 

Looking for the solution

I have caught up on quite a few blogs today.  Every one that I have read has felt sad to me.  People have written about loss of loved ones,  painful worries about the alcoholics and addicts in their lives,  trying to work through depression and expectations.   I feel overwhelmed with all that I have read. 

Generally, when I read what you have written,  I am looking for the solution.  I know what the problems are because I have had them, lived them, and see them all around me.  But the solution is the elusive thing that I seek.  I grasp it like a life ring on some days.  I know what to do, yet there are times, like tonight, that I simply feel less sure about myself and those I love. 

This may be the post Christmas let down.  I know that all the lights and nice decorations will be taken down this weekend.  The house returns to a less glittery state.  There won't be any candles in the windows and no smell of evergreen inside.  The mantles will be undressed of their fruits and boughs of holly.  It reminds me of a fine lady taking off her jewels and party dress to put on a robe with slippers. 

And the buildup to New Year's does nothing for me. I am not a fan of New Year's eve events.  I've never understood the excitement of ringing in a New Year.  It all seems too filled with expectations of great things, promises made, and lots of festivities about a whole year that has yet to reveal one day to me.  I really didn't see anything terribly wrong with the year that is about to be history.

In fact, looking back on the old year that most are so happy to be rid of,  I see that it has had its moments of good times, bad times, sad times, and joyous times just like every year I can remember.  I lost friends, made friends, loved people, disliked those same people I loved, and dealt with each day by trying to find a positive solution to whatever baffled me.

So tonight I am using gratitude to get out of this sad state of mind.  I have had a good day: went to the boat, later took a long nap in front of the fire, and woke up in time to fix a little dinner for us.  I have much to be grateful for.  I could list a hundred things that are wonderful.  So tonight before I sleep, I am going to thank the God of my understanding for allowing me to come this far today and ask for guidance for tomorrow, to do God's will whatever that may be.  I will pray the Serenity Prayer and lie next to the one I love. 

And maybe tomorrow this sad mood will be lifted.  Regardless, I will let the feelings flow through me, knowing that sadness is just as much a part of the mind scape as joy. 

The man in the moon

There is a huge crescent moon in the night sky.  It tells me that it won't be long before the Harvest Moon will come up, as big as life.  To me, this is another sign of fall.  The sycamore leaves are turning brown, an indication of shortening days.  Although today was hot, I know that cooler weather will get here eventually. It just takes its time getting to this part of the country.

I am grateful for a lot of things tonight.  I am reminded again of how small but precious my family is.  My wife and her parents are my closest family.  My parents are gone. We have no children and were only children ourselves.  Her aging parents are struggling a bit with health problems that come as they approach 90 years of age.  On Friday, C.'s dad was hospitalized again for blood loss due to intestinal bleeding.  He is still in the hospital but is stable and appears to have perked up.

I know that it is going to be very hard on C. when her parents die. It's going to be hard when one goes and the other is left behind.  They have been married 67 years. Her dad was telling the nurses that on Friday evening.  And they were marveling at the longevity of the marriage.  When most relationships are over in just a few years,  it is hard to think in terms of so many years together.  And I know that not all those years were easy ones.

How do you face the loss when a person has been a part of your life for that long?  I guess you just move languidly through your days.  And with each passing day, the pain will get a bit less.  Or maybe you decide that after 67 years together, it isn't worth going on.  I have a feeling that it will be the latter with her parents.  They are truly dependent on each other.

Whatever happens, the moon will still be there, the rivers will still flow,  the leaves on the sycamores will turn brown, and the seasons will change.  I like to think that the man in the moon is looking down and smiling in anticipation of giving us a spectacular show at the end of September.  And I am grateful to have my small but much loved family still here.  One day, one hour, one heartbeat at a time........

Just a hint

On this moonlit evening,  I can feel the first beckoning of fall.  There is a light breeze stirring the trees and just a bit less humidity in the air.  The light in the late afternoon has cast longer shadows.  And today I saw the first sulfur butterfly float past me.  These are signs telling me that soon the oppressive heat will be gone, and my favorite time of year will begin.

It has been a summer of mostly favorable happenings.  The good stuff which actually made memories included my retiring with some decorum, getting a lot of time on the water sailing and living aboard for several days, finding a boat that has captured my imagination and some of my heart,  and celebrating another year in recovery with my partner.  The bad thing that occurred was the suicide of a friend.  In the overall rating of summers,  I would say that it was memorable. And hot, very hot.

I can't say that I have been particularly productive over the past few months.  But I rationalize this by telling myself that this is my first summer "off" for a long time.  So I'm giving myself a break and not sinking into guilt.  In fact,  I could get too used to being an idle farmer and roving sailor.  But the farmer can't be idle much longer because the fall crops have to be planted.  The garden is almost weeded, the dead plants have been pulled, and it is time to till the boxes to get ready for collards, cabbage, kohlrabi, and some broccoli. One season turning into another--the cycle of life.

And the roving sailor will have plenty to do once the boat comes out of the yard and is at the marina.  There will be decks to be painted with non-skid, brass ports to be polished, teak to be varnished, and some wire brushing of the engine parts.  I will have to quell my desire to get everything done at once and practice the patience that I have learned in recovery. 

Soon the heat will be reduced to something in the 80's and maybe even in the 70's if we're lucky.  And that will make every job easier.  In the meantime,  I am not going to project about atmospheric disturbances off the Cape Verde Islands,  and what the last part of August and early September could bring.  This is a one day at a time program, and I'm going to stick to that.  In fact, I'm not going to think about hurricane season right now at all. 

Instead,  I'm going to go have a dinner of eggplant parmesana and insalata caprese, followed by some fresh watermelon.  Maybe we will actually eat dinner on the screen porch tonight.  Yes, there is just enough of a hint of fall in the air that it has me a bit wistful.  All good things will come in time.

Four years sober

My wife celebrates four years of sobriety today. Last night, they had a cake for her and a card at one of the meetings she attends. Her sponsor gave her the four year chip and she told her story. Tonight she is going to her home group meeting. And she is making peach ice cream to take.  C. cooks for this meeting every week and tonight is no exception.

It is hard to believe that it has been four years of sober recovery.  We have eased into a good life together where there isn't the anger and where we focus on the good things that are happening each day. We don't go back over the old agonies of regret that once plagued us. We don't go back into the "what if's" anymore. I believe that both of us can look back now on the years before recovery and see them as a way of life that was chaotic, unhappy, and generally not very livable. But we don't talk of regrets anymore. Maybe those years are just a reminder of what it would be like again if we become careless or complacent.

We both know that we can't undo all those terrible things that were said and done before. We hurt each other under the deluded guise that alcohol created. She pushed and I pulled. We weren't going anywhere with the tug of war of emotions in the relationship. We thought that we loved each other but it wasn't the right kind of love. We actually didn't know how to have a relationship.  I thought that it was about pouring "enough" love into the relationship.  But that love had a lot of expectations tied to it.  Now we are beginning to see that "right" love and all kind of other "right" things are available through being in recovery.

We don't talk about the past. It's not a place to dwell. I live for this day and treat those around me with respect and love. I think that will create a good past now and one that I won't regret.

Leaps and Boundaries

I have been told that I don't respect boundaries whether they are mine or another's. That may be true. I have had a tendency to become enmeshed in another person's life where I feel what they feel, do what they do. When that happens I lose myself which leaves me with weak or no boundaries.

By having weak boundaries, I would morph into being what someone else wanted me to be. This is really a form of dishonesty which prevents real intimacy. It's not possible to be intimate with a person who can't express feelings, wants, likes or dislikes, or who can't be honest about those feelings. I think that this behavior was a way by which I learned to survive.

I didn't know what a boundary was until Al-Anon. And once in Al-anon, I mistakenly thought setting a boundary was something I had to do to someone else. What I now understand is the only person I can really set a boundary with is myself.

For instance, I can't set a boundary in which I tell another what they can't say or do. I cannot tape their mouths shut or tie their hands. But I can learn to say no when I want to say no.

I didn't have "No" as a boundary for such a long time. It was difficult for me when I was younger to say no to those who asked something of me. I would either go along with what was wanted, lie about why I couldn't do it, or just avoid the issue altogether. None of these responses worked because I felt resentment, anger and guilt. Even if I did manage to convey a "no", it was always given with a long-winded attempt to soften the blow. I have since learned that "No" is a complete sentence.

Another problem I've had with boundaries is to not believe it when another told me "No". I would do what I could to convince them to change their mind, to do what I wanted them to do. That was what I would do with my parents as a child, and that childlike behavior carried through into adulthood.

That's why boundaries can be tricky. I have to look at my motive for setting one: am I doing it for my good, or to try to make someone else do something I think is good for them? Am I trying to change them or to punish them? I don't think these are good reasons to set boundaries.

I've found that my boundaries tend to be flexible. I don't like to establish a wall. I also don't want to constantly drop boundaries so that they are never in place. I read that a good boundary could be thought of as a being like a drawbridge that I can pull up when I need to do so.

These are some guidelines for setting boundaries:

1. Give up any expectations about the outcome

2. Clearly define consequences that don't disrupt my serenity.

3. Set boundaries and communicate them clearly.

4. Enforce boundaries consistently.

5. Set boundaries without regard for the relationship

And these are some of the healthy boundaries that I now strive to use :

Keep my Mouth Shut-- I don't need to engage in arguments with another.

Live One Day at a Time-- I don't want to project about the future or rehash the past over and over

Take Nobody's Inventory but My Own-- I don't need to browbeat another or try to convince them of my viewpoint. I just need to focus on my own behavior.

Focus on myself-- I pay attention to what I am thinking and feeling and reach out to others in the program when I am angry, lonely or tired.

I'm still far from being able to do all of these things consistently. But I have come to understand that having healthy boundaries is must better than not having any at all.

Some thoughts late in the day

It's really late for me to be posting. But there were a few things that I needed to go over in my day as it comes to a close.

This nightly inventory is something that I have done now for quite a while. I go back over my day, what I have done, who I was with and what happened.

So here is what happened today. This morning I had discussions with a few of those people who will be assuming my projects and duties when I retire. This has been a lot tougher to deal with than I thought. For some reason it feels as if the "lots have been cast" on my career. I know that this was inevitable. Still there is a sense of sadness that after so many years of working here, I am now in a transition mode with my staff as the clock winds down towards my retirement.

I decided to clear my head and went down to the boat at noon. Even though the boat was at the dock, just having her back in the water after haul out last week feels good. Her bottom has been painted and her electrical system was checked over. I just needed to be down there and gently rocked for a couple of hours. I felt the presence of God as he enveloped me in peace.

I sat on the floor when I came home and tried to get my old dog to eat something. She had a choice of stewed chicken, some beef, salmon or cat food. She picked the cat food and ate two cans. I feel that I can sleep peacefully knowing that she has a will to live for at least another day. I know that her time is near. I'm just not ready to let her go.

I have come to terms today with compromises that I have made recently. I am willing to let go of someone who has breached my trust but yet I still hold that person close in my mind and heart. I pray for wisdom to deal with my defect that allows me to give another chance to someone who most likely isn't deserving. I am striving to grow in understanding. And to not let myself become lost in the tragic decisions of another.

I think that today was a good example of what this program has done for me: I can get through difficulties without anger and resentment; I can feel compassion and love where trust has been broken, and I can feel pain and loss but still have hope.

Thinking of the future

I got the blues thinking of the future, so I left off and made some marmalade. It's amazing how it cheers one up to 'shred oranges and scrub the floor.
—D. H. Lawrence

Living in the present is one of the core tenets of Al-Anon. There is even a daily reader whose title is One Day at a Time. Most of the time I can think about just today. I'm not one who dwells on the past thanks to the program. But I do have moments when I start to think about the future.

When I was a lot younger I was living for tomorrow. When I was a kid I couldn't wait to be older so I could do more things! My major advisor told me in graduate school to not rush and push so hard because these are going to be the most exciting days of my academic career. Joni Mitchell's great song "The Circle Game" comes to mind.

As I got older, not living in the present meant that I would lie awake and think about all the things that I had to get done at work the next day. Or I would start planning a happy event and my thinking would move toward the desired or "expected" outcome. I've found that there is very little that I can do about anything in the middle of the night, except sleep and pray.

But what about those moments when I start to see the present moment fly past? This is how my thinking will go: "I'm getting older and there is much to do. The days are going past much faster than they used to. I don't have much time left since my life is about half over." And on and on it goes.

And at that point in my thinking about how tempus is fugit, I start to build expectations. I start to think that I only have this one life and yet there is so much still that I would like to do. So that leads me to try to orchestrate my future and generally someone else's as well. And the outcome is that I start to miss out on what is happening now. I start missing the journey because I'm wasting so much energy planning the future.

I have read that people who sacrifice the present for the future feel little accomplishment when they get to that goal that they reached. That's because they will start looking towards the next goal and sacrificing the now for yet another future.

I'm still working on learning to live in the present and just be in the moment. I'm learning to enjoy the journey and not look for the destination. I wonder, too, if learning to live in the present is not a process of aging. When the future is short compared with the past, the moment seems to shine with more urgency.

This doesn't mean that I have to give up all future plans. Living in the moment doesn't mean to shuck all responsibility or become cavalier about everything. I have bills to pay, doctor visits to make, deadlines for work proposals and reports. I just don't choose to obsess over my future. I like to strive for a balanced awareness of my past, present and future with the present being my fulcrum on life's see saw.

I like the way my life is now. I have more freedom to do what I want, when I want to and with whom. So now I would definitely say I'm living for happiness and satisfaction today. I know that I'm not going to be happy every day, but satisfaction with life covers a lot of ground.