Be the change you want to see in meetings and in life

Today is the first hint of fall that we have had here.  We awoke to a temperature of 67 F.  Now the windows are open and the whole house fan is circulating fresh air throughout.  The skies are blue and clear of clouds.  It is an invigorating morning.

Yesterday, I attended the district meeting and heard a lady talk about how she is being bullied in the rooms of Al-Anon by "big men and old ladies".  She went on a while with a rant about how she felt unsafe at some meetings. When asked by the chairperson what she wanted to be done, she replied, "I want to feel safe and to go to meetings where no bullying occurs."  I talked with her afterwards and invited her to come to the meetings that I attend, saying that I know they are healthy.  (Even though there are big men and old ladies at some of these). Sadly, I quickly found in my conversation with her that she is a bit unhinged.

People with outside issues (those who have problems other than alcoholism in a relative or friend) are in the rooms.  And some of them need more than the program has to offer.  I know that it's especially easy for me to look for fault in others and in meetings.  But I know that by working the steps and traditions, I have learned that not every meeting is healthy and that sometimes members have emotional and mental health issues that need attention by a professional.  I have been to a lot of meetings in the district and have had only a couple of experiences in which I thought the traditions were seriously being violated.

Everyone deserves to have meetings where they feel safe.  I advocate for being the change that I want to see at a meeting.  I don't hesitate to speak to someone after the meeting if I think that a meeting can be improved.  I do this in as respectful a way as possible.  I don't want to nitpick or be an Al-Anon policeman. However, I do believe that respect and compassion need to be extended to all who attend.  Talking over someone else,  bringing in non-conference approved literature (like the Bible or AA literature), talking about rehab centers, or giving advice (i.e. "You should do ______" or "You need to go to therapy", etc.) are not only confusing to newcomers but break the traditions of the program.

One of the fellows I sponsor is beginning to see that the rose colored glasses he was wearing are not working as well.  He has asked me about feeling anxious in some meetings and finding that some people are rubbing him the wrong way. I think that we all discover that people in recovery have plenty of "warts" and shortcomings.  When I find that a controlling person is irritating me, it's because I have the same shortcoming of controlling behavior.  The old adage "If you spot it, you've got it" applies over and over whether in recovery or not.

I'm going to head outside now, do a bit of work in the yard, and head to the hospital this afternoon to visit my first sponsor who is not doing well.  And then, I'll head to the boat to enjoy the rest of the afternoon doing some varnishing and reading the newspaper.  The day is too beautiful to spend being inside too long. Hoping your day is bright and shiny.

Another year is fast approaching. Go be that starving artist you’re afraid to be. Open up that journal and get poetic finally. Volunteer. Suck it up and travel. You were not born here to work and pay taxes. You were put here to be part of a vast organism to explore and create. Stop putting it off. The world has much more to offer than what’s on 15 televisions at TGI Fridays. Take pictures. Scare people. Shake up the scene. Be the change you want to see in the world. ~Jason Mraz

A letter to the alcoholic from an Al-Anon

I am your family member, lover, friend.  I need help. I too have been affected by the disease of alcoholism which has caused me to lose my self-esteem, self-respect and motivation in our relationship.  I am learning through Al-Anon to take a stand on behalf of myself as your parent, child, wife, lover or friend.

Don't lie to me because in doing so you only lie to yourself by accepting your lies as truth. The truth may be painful, but I must realize my own truths in rigorous honesty.  

I do not have the power to make anyone "entirely ready" to choose recovery. I am choosing recovery for me.  If you so choose, you will call on your Higher Power - the god of your understanding for this help.

Don't believe you can outsmart alcoholism. It is a progressive disease that will take you hostage, teach you to avoid responsibility and lose respect for yourself, while others will lose respect for you at the same time. It will break you to the point that you may die.

Don't try to exploit or take advantage of me because I am learning to focus and take care of myself.  I have personal boundaries and dignity and won't be an accomplice to your evasion of responsibility. I am taking responsibility for my part by working the Al-Anon program one day at a time and embracing a new way of living.

Don't lecture me, moralize, scold, praise, blame or argue whether you are drunk or sober.  I am no longer a doormat. I have moved out of the doorway and you cannot step on me anymore.  I am detaching with love: "I'll see you after my meeting.  I love you."

Don't make promises you don't intend to keep.  Let's be honest with one another. Neither of us is perfect, and I doubt we ever will be. I think that is okay.  I accept you as you are.  I can take what I like and leave the rest. Can you say the same of me? If we postpone the pain by not working on ourselves, are we happier or just stuck? We can try to run away, but I know that wherever I go, there I am.

Mostly, I am not going to have expectations of who I think you "should" be.  For me, I can have expectations that by working the steps I will find peace.  I know now that half measures will avail us nothing.  Alcoholism drove me to surrender and choose recovery. Are you ready to do the same?

Don't lose your temper with me.  I am not going to take what you say personally and am not going to react to your anger by reciprocating with rage and harboring resentments.  When I point a finger at you and take your inventory, there are four more fingers pointing back at me.  Let's communicate respectfully, and speak in the same manner we would like to be spoken to.

If one of us grows a little quicker than the other, don't let anxiety about this cause us to abandon one another or give up on ourselves because of fear, nor let it compel us to do for one another what we must do for ourselves.  Let's not tell one another how to work our programs or make threats if there are program slips or relapses. Let's allow one another the dignity to make our own choices and experience our own consequences.

Also,  let us not use words and deeds that would cause us to suffer consequences of criticism, shaming, rejection, or abandonment for not being perfect. It's cruel to attempt to reduce a person through sarcasm and harsh words.  Doing so perpetuates a crisis to our new found trust in one another and therefore, exacerbates each of our illnesses.  Let's be kind to one another.

Above all, let's not run away from reality. We each have our disease and must never forget that. The journey back to ourselves is a worthwhile one.  Alcoholism is an illness, and it can be arrested but never cured. We can start now to learn, understand and plan for our recovery in our respective programs. We may need the help of professionals - a doctor, counselor, or psychologist, another recovering person (a sponsor). But mostly we will need guidance from our Higher Power to recover and restore our being - to make us whole as individuals and with one another.  The spirit that was broken can be repaired.

We may hate ourselves yet love one another. To do nothing is the worst choice each of us can make for ourselves and those we love. Instead let's strive together for honesty, openness and willingness.

My hope is that you will see that you are worth the effort of recovery. I know that I am.

Teaching respect

Most of us don't realize that we are all teachers. I can think of many instances where someone has provided a lesson for me, most likely without even being aware of it. These lessons may be very subtle, almost below the surface of awareness.

I know that I learned a lot of lessons from the alcoholic. I found that I lost respect for my wife because of the drinking. I reacted in negative ways. I became so obsessed with getting her to change that I forgot about the person that she was. I was obsessed with her problem and also forgot about myself.

It wasn't until coming to Al-Anon and going to open AA meetings that I learned the difference between hating the disease and not the alcoholic. Both programs taught me about having respect for others. I learned that everyone has the right to be their own person – no matter what their problems are or how they decide to manage their lives.

I think that is how I began to see that in order for others to respect me, I have to respect myself. I've learned in the program to look at myself and to be aware of my actions and behaviors. I've learned not to control others but to let them go so that they can be their own person.

My actions and not reactions are what help others to respect me. I've learned to keep healthy boundaries but not show hate or contempt for another. I realized after being in Al-Anon that all the years that I spent in anger, disdain, and contempt really did nothing to help either of us.

However, there are times when I think that people in my life take me for granted, tune me out, or disregard my feelings. I know that these are sensitive areas for me. And that if I don't pay attention to the feelings, I will start to slip.

I suspect that the roots of this behavior began early on in my relationship with others. So what did I do early on? I put up with things in order to keep the peace, make a good impression, avoid confrontation, and generally get along in childhood and in my marriage. And so the people in my life learned what I would and would not tolerate and what to expect from me.

It doesn't take long for these "lessons" that I taught to become deeply ingrained. And then that leads to my complaints: "Why does everyone always take me for granted? I'm tired of being the "responsible" one. Can't anyone take me seriously? Doesn't my time matter? Don't I matter?"

So what's the solution? What can I do if I'm unhappy with how others treat me? I needed a new "lesson plan". And that's where the steps and traditions come in. So here's what I decided:

• It wasn't very productive to beat myself up over what I did in the past. I need to be gentle with myself. Screw guilt! I reacted before because I didn't really know how to react. I was just trying to survive. In the present, I can develop new behaviors.
• I can look at what I have been tolerating and make some boundaries that I want others to respect. I need to enforce those boundaries.
• I need to make it clear to others what my own needs, wants and dreams are. I need to decide what the new "messages" are that I want to send.
• I have the right to speak up when my feelings get stepped on. If I want to be treated well, I have to make an effort to explain what I need, rather than pulling back and struggling with frustration. It is up to me to provide enough information to others so that they know where I stand and what my boundaries are.
• It doesn't accomplish anything for me to feel helpless or like a victim. That just leads to blame, resentment and rescue attempts that make me feel bad.

I think that the biggest help to me has been keeping my emotions in balance and not being afraid to ask for what I need. By getting more in touch with what I feel, the good and the bad, I have gotten in touch with what I need in a relationship with others. It just feels much better to do that than to vent and complain.