Life changing paths

I am back at home after several days of sailing, yoga and food cleansing.  Your comments were true about it being outside of my comfort zone.  But the great thing is that I did get comfortable with the whole thing, participated in all aspects of the retreat, including yoga.  I drank the juices and ate the food.  And at the end, we all exchanged phone numbers and emails.

I'm not sure that I'll do this again simply because I may not be the best person for the job.  I know that I have a young outlook, feel young in my spirit, but dang--my back has been giving me a fit since I got back.  I am not as limber as I once was I guess!  I liked the comment that maybe my thing would be to have a science and sailing retreat.  Somehow that feels more like me.

I did commit to the 21 day cleansing diet which means that I give up eggs, wheat, sugar, peanuts, dairy, soy, and and corn.  I don't feel hungry which is good, nor do I want to rush out and eat a pizza.  And I have been doing the yoga poses for an hour each morning.  My wife smiles at me and continues to have her coffee and normal heart healthy food.  I also detected a bit of a smirk when I had trouble getting up from a chair this morning!

I think that it's a good idea to be open to new things.  I've learned in Al-Anon that I can work through the discomfort of being in a group where I am the student.  After all, one of the hardest things that I ever did was to walk through the door of my first meeting and say that I was there because I needed help.  Just mustering up the courage to go to a meeting, pick a sponsor, and trust that person enough to guide me through the steps was revolutionary in changing my life.  Maybe this is another path to be on that will also be life changing.

May the long time sun shine upon you

All love surround you

And the pure light that’s within you

Guide your way on

The great paradox

It was blowing a gale today.  And there was a little rain that fell, but hardly enough to do much soaking of the ground.  It was too windy to go rowing, so I went to see my father-in-law at the physical rehab facility.

He is doing about three hours of exercise a day, including cycling, elliptical trainer, and weight lifting.  He looks great--better than I have seen him look in a long time.  Today, he went with his physical therapist to Starbuck's to get coffee.  He seemed to have really enjoyed his day.  He is hoping to be out before Christmas.

I really feel for the people who are in the rehab facility.  Most are alone in their room.  Few have visitors.  I passed through the dining room this evening, only to see a little old lady sitting all alone.  It made me realize how sad old age can be, how isolating it is to sit without a loved one around.  I am going to visit with some of the people the next time I go there, if only for a little while.

Not much else is going on here. Tomorrow there is a Christmas party to attend.  I used to dread parties.  The ones that I go to now are not big drinking affairs.  In fact, people drink normally or not at all.  And everyone goes home by ten. It's comforting to attend parties where no one gets out of control.  It surely has been a pleasant change from the wild parties that we used to attend. I don't know why  I even went to some of those, except to watch over C.  And that didn't usually work out too well.

We are going to have a big cooking extravaganza in the days ahead to make cranberry relish, cranberry nut bread, peppermint bark, pepper jelly and some cookies as gifts for friends.  I also ordered a few small gifts for C.  I simply couldn't stand to see any look of disappointment on her face on Christmas morning.  I still want to protect her, even though I know that I can't.

Well, that's about it from here.  Time for some sleep.

It seems only the old are able to sit next to one another and not say anything and still feel content. The young, brash and impatient, must always break the silence. It is a waste, for silence is pure. Silence is holy. It draws people together because only those who are comfortable with each other can sit without speaking. This is the great paradox. ~Nicolas Sparks

Fishing photos and update

We had a good day fishing.  It was therapeutic to get out on the water and enjoy a warm day, beautiful scenery, and some seafood.  Here are some photos from our day:

The Sea Island Yacht Club where we launched the boat. An old building and an old club.  

A spot-tail bass that was the object of the day.  We catch and release. 

The fishing "hole" where the spot tails like to feed on the dropping tide. 

An eagle's nest--look for it near the middle of the photo.  

The clamming creek where on low tide we can rake up quite a few. 

Raking for clams which was productive!

Our clam take for the day.  These went into linguine with clam sauce. 

I feel as if I haven't had much to write about lately, except living life on life's terms.  That is a benefit of recovery--not fighting what comes but doing my best to accept and take positive action.  Here are some things that I have been doing:

--Contacting people for the caregiver position.  This is proving to be more difficult than I thought.  Good pay, a comfortable house, all expenses paid--I thought that there would be more people applying.  I was naive because it seems that there is much demand for caregivers.  And this is likely to be a field that only increases as we all age.  We have a couple of people that we are interviewing tomorrow.

--Working on the boat which will likely take 2-3 more weeks before going to haul out at the boat yard.  Lots of priming and filling.  But she is looking good.

--Going to meetings and meeting with those I sponsor.  I find that I can expunge the drama of life by going to a meeting.  I feel the weight lifted.  I am among others who live with drama every day, and somehow, we manage to feel a bit lighter after being together for an hour.  This never ceases to amaze me.

--Walking with the dogs in the morning.  We do about a mile together before any of us have breakfast.  They love it, and we get some time to enjoy the property and look for animal tracks.

What I haven't been doing is getting around to all the blogs that I like to read.  I will catch up at some point.  I have literally felt overwhelmed with the caregiver situation.  But I can see that creativity in thinking--split shifts and other ways to get coverage 24/7--is helping.  All will be okay.

Have a good day.  And if you are a veteran, thanks for what you have done.

Power up

Ever since Guinevere posted about her fitness program, I have had an urge to get back to the gym.  I am quite active physically but admit to missing the gym routine.  However,  I also know that getting motivated to drive the 30 minutes to the gym, working out, and getting showered is going to take a lot of time out of an already busy day.  I am all about flexibility in my schedule now, so I opted for the same program that G. wrote about.   It is something that I can do at home. This may be something that C. and I can do together, or it may just be me working up a sweat.  The package came in today so it will be fun to give it a go starting on Monday. 

Even in the midst of all my stuff around alcoholism,  I did take care of myself physically.  I would routinely either ride 25 miles at lunch,  run five miles or go to the gym for pilates, spinning, kickboxing or aerobics at least 5 days a week.  It was one of the best things that I found to stop me from obsessing for at least a while on my unhappiness.  Strangely enough, about the time that I started going to Al-Anon,  I stopped going to the gym.  To be honest, the gym closed down, but I didn't opt to get a membership at another.  I simply stopped going.  I stopped running but continued to row and sail.

Something about my focus changed when I began recovery. I knew that when I started Al-Anon, I was totally focused on getting better.  I went to a lot of meetings.  I got powered up in a spiritual and emotional way.  I was working, meeting with sponsees, being a group representative, and having some free time for being on the boat.  I don't think that I had much time for anything else. Now,  I am ready to get back to the routine of physically pushing myself.  I like the challenge and know it is important for me to take care of my physical being, just as I have with my emotional and spiritual health. 

There are several bloggers who I read that have regular, scheduled exercise as part of their self care.  I have been inspired by Dave, Lou, Mary Christine, Irish Friend of Bill, Cat, and Guinevere.  Now, I am making this one of my daily goals as well.  I'll keep you posted on how all this powering up is going.

Decking out the boats

Tonight is the Christmas Parade of Boats. I'm going to be with fellow rowers on the pilot gigs, rowing past the "adoring fans" as we stroke our way around the Harbor. Our oars will be decorated with lights and there will be lights along the gunnels. We generally tow a dinghy with a Christmas tree and Santa Claus. And in the past, we've carried a sign that says "Ro Ho Ho". The crowd usually loves us because we are powered by our arms working together and maybe the simplicity of these wooden crafts is appealing. It is to me.

The original purpose of the pilot gig was as a general work boat, and the craft was used for taking pilots out to incoming vessels that were heading to port. Races were often held to see who would be the first gig to get their pilot on board a vessel, get the job, and hence the payment.

Today, there are numerous racing clubs that have pilot gigs. These 34 foot wooden boats are rowed by team of six generally with a coxswain. We don't race here but go for long rows in the Harbor, sometimes with five to eight rowers. Each person has a single large oar.

The other use of these boats in the local area was as fishing vessels that were rowed or sailed by African Americans. The boats were part of the Mosquito Fleet. The crew would row or sail the boat out to the nearshore fishing areas to bring back blackfish for sale in the streets or at the city market. The use of these vessels for fishing is no more. But we crew these boats at festivals around the state so that people have a reminder of the way that it used to be.

This morning, we're going to meet up at the Maritime Center, get the boat decorated, make a few repairs to the thule pins and get everything ready for tonight's festivities. After the parade of boats, I'm going to an oyster roast. First of the season--can't wait to suck down those succulent molluscs.

Have a peaceful Saturday doing what you enjoy.

Pulling together

I've been at a work meeting for the morning. Now it's lunch time so I decided to have some sushi--spider rolls, one of my favorites. I've been in an over-air conditioned building for the morning so it's nice to sit in the heat and humidity for a half-hour.

Later after work I'll be joining the rowing team for a workout. We may have eight rowing tonight. It's a good workout since we row for about an hour. Sometimes we have only four to row. That can be a challenge in a breeze and against the tide on the way out.

Our rowboat is a wooden 34 ft. replica of the pilot gigs that used to carry harbor pilots and crew back and forth to ships. I find the boat with it's long oars to be sturdy and serviceable.

We get photographed by a lot of people. There is something unique about a group of people pulling together in harmony to move without obvious effort to a destination. I like the feeling of belonging to the team.

Rowing is a meditative exercise. The cadence of the oars as they slice through the water is soothing. I sometimes entrance myself by counting my strokes. It's a way to keep the focus on the moment that I'm in.

The analogy of belonging in Al-Anon comes to mind. I'm part of that team that pulls for each other as we move in the direction of recovery. I am filled with gratitude for it.

I'm grateful to be a "part of" in so many ways today.

Aches and pains

I went to get a few x-rays of my right knee this morning. I've had some problems with it over the past several months. It "catches" at certain times and then I have to hobble around. The doctor thinks that there might be a piece of loose cartilage roaming around and that I may have OCD. And that's not obsessive-compulsive disorder either, although I have thought that I've had that at some times in my life too.

So when I went to get the x-rays, the technician asked me to hold a plate behind my knees so that they could get a good shot of the patellas. I complied but was wincing in pain because my rotator cuff on my right shoulder is inflamed or irritated or is doing what rotator cuffs do when they have been traumatized. Thankfully, it isn't torn as I can still move my arm. It hurts the most at night when I am lying down which is a bummer since the discomfort wakes me up a lot during the night.

And then there is the tendonitis in my elbow and the pain in my lower back issue and the muscular inflammation that presses on the sciatic nerve. Fortunately, that's not flaring up right now but is cutting me some slack.

I think that just about takes care of all my aches and pains at the moment. I have medication to take which I don't because it completely makes me comatose. I take a couple of ibuprofen every other day. I just don't like taking drugs. And maybe I'm in denial to these aches and pains.

What I dislike the most is not being able to do all those things that I used to do without hurting. I've had to cut back on my rowing due to the rotator cuff. And hauling in the sheets on the sailboat doesn't do much good for the tendonitis. Yet, I keep doing these things. It's gotta be denial.

I like the advice my doctor gave me. If you get a sharp pain that prevents you from moving a body part in its usual range of motion, that's not good. And be vigilant with body parts you've injured before. And if a body part looks deformed, you definitely need medical help. Say what???

Rowing parallels life

It was a great evening for rowing last night. We had a team of six rowers and got up to a good speed of 6 knots with the wind and the tide. It's much easier to row with the current than against it. And when the seas get choppy, it helps not to dig in too deep or you may not be able to get your oar out of the water for the next stroke.

It's interesting how rowing parallels life. You can exert a lot of effort and never get far by yourself because the elements are against you. But if you have a good coxswain and a good team, you just might be able to get on a different course and work together to make some headway. And just like in rowing, in order to succeed at something in life you need to put yourself in the race.

I'm grateful today for:

• Learning that team work is important
  
• Not always going with the flow
• Having a choice to drift or steer
• Knowing that while responding to another, I need to maintain my own center of gravity
• The headwinds that require strength and endurance

It's a great art, is rowing. It's the finest art there is. It's a symphony of motion. And when you're rowing well, why it's nearing perfection- And when you reach perfection, you're touching the divine. It touches the you of you's which is your soul. -George Pocock

Some humor on this Wednesday

"I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kalhua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now. Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace."
Source Unknown

Instead of the above, I have some "healthy" things to finish such as the woodwork in the home library to sand and varnish (5 times); a boat trailer to sand, prime and paint; the garage floor to paint; and a few other odds and ends that I haven't gotten back to completing. Neither my SO or I take what Dr. Phil says seriously.....thankfully.

I'm grateful today that:

• I have choices about what I do to achieve inner peace
• Nothing has to get done all at once
  
• If nothing gets done, the world (and I) won't fall apart
• I'm rowing tonight with the crew
  

Hump Day

It's been a busy Wednesday. I gave a noon seminar and then had a great tour of the state's aquarium. It was fun to give a talk on something that I've studied. That's the best kind of discussion: allowing interaction with the audience through questions.

It was nice to get a behind the scenes tour of the aquarium. There were cultures of jellyfish larvae and a few quarantined animals. I find the jellyfish so relaxing. I remember visiting Monterey aquarium and sitting for hours just watching the jellies pulsate. A tank of jellyfish would be a great stress reliever.

After all of that, I went down to row with a group that I haven't seen in a while. We used to get together regularly to row on the Harbor. Tonight was a good night for it, with a good breeze and clear skies. No serenity breakers today. Just a day of getting things done and enjoying all the different aspects of what I had to do. It's nice to just be and enjoy the moments of happiness that seem to be occurring more and more frequently.

Move a muscle, change a thought

Today, I was just feeling blah. Not sure whether it is the tiredness from the weekend that's still with me or whether I've got some anxiety just hanging around in my head. Anyway, I decided that the best thing to do was to get to the gym.

I've been a regular at the gym for many years but within the past month, I've found that I haven't been going as much and have worked during lunch. I know from articles I've read that aerobic exercise improves symptoms of mild to moderate depression. The toil of exercise has been proven to help manage emotions as well as providing a physiological tune up for the heart and vascular system.

So today I worked out for a good hour. It felt great to sweat and generally get rid of some of the stuff that was swirling around in my head. The saying of "move a muscle, change a thought" seemed to work. This doesn't mean that I'm just distracting myself so that the negative thoughts go away because of the distraction. It seems that by working out, I sweated all the negative stuff out of me. Maybe it's another twist on the theme that "I can't think my way into right action... but I can act (taking actions) my way into right thinking."

Wishing that I were else where today

You and me
Sittin' in the back of my memory
Like a honey bee
Buzzin' 'round a glass of sweet Chablis
Radio's on
Windows rolled up
And my mind's rolled down
Headlights shining
Like silver moons
Rollin' on the ground

We made love
In every way love can be made
And we made time
Look like time
Could never fade
Friday Night
We both made the guitar hum
Saturday made Sunday feel
Like it would never come

Gonna be a long Monday
Sittin' all alone on a mountain
By a river that has no end
Gonna be a long Monday
Stuck like the tick of a clock
That's come unwound - again

Soul to soul
Heart to heart
And cheek to cheek
Come on baby
Give me a kiss
That'll last all week

The thought of you leavin' again
Brings me down
The promise of
Your sweet love
Brings me around

It's gonna be a long Monday
Sittin' all alone on a mountain
By a river that has no end
It's gonna be a long Monday
Stuck like the tick of a clock
That's come unwound - again
And again

Lyrics by John Prine, Long Monday

It's a Monday for sure with all the Monday attitude as well. I'm looking out my window at the water and wishing that I were on it instead of having to get ready for a conference this week. I had an exhausting weekend both mentally and physically.

On Saturday I asked a friend to meet me in the afternoon to listen to a local band and look at some boats. This is a person with whom I've enjoyed a close friendship before going into the program. After finding out that I was going to Al-Anon and that my priorities were shifting, there has been much less comraderie between us. I feel a palpable distance now. At first, I thought maybe there was some judgment thrown in but decided that may be my projection.

What I decided to accept is that it isn't my problem. I've been honest and open about the home situation and made an effort to keep the friendship going. If it isn't going any further, then that's okay. I can't control that. I examined my feelings and think that whatever is going on is with the other person who appears none too happy at the moment and is obsessed with work. I'm in a different place which is where I need to be now.

On Sunday night, I went to an Al-Anon meeting and heard an anniversary story by one of the ladies in the group. She's had 13 years in the program and is doing well. Although I could identify with some of what she said, I felt that I needed to hear something different last night. I told my sponsor this morning that I probably needed the rougher edges of the AA group last night. Maybe because I was in a rough place myself or I just needed something to smack me in the face with a different dose of reality.

I got the uncomfortable feeling once again that this particular Al-Anon meeting is dominated by one person. Most of the people at this meeting are sponsored by the same person. I've voiced concerns about the controlling behavior before in blog posts and last night it was there again. I know from Step Four that I have a problem with controlling and being controlled. So I just listened and was thankful that the program has helped me to recognize how I used to control and how I need to be aware of that shortcoming. It still feels bad to me when I see control in action; however, I'm glad to be able to talk to my sponsor about it and let it go. I'm looking forward to more Step Four work tonight and my home group meeting afterwards.

I'm hoping a good workout at the gym during lunch will boost my energy for the afternoon work.

Anxiety

Last night, I listened to a parent talk about anxiety. This wasn't your usual garden-variety form of hand wringing but a gut-wrenching anxiety that hits in the night and lasts until dawn. The question to the group was "What do you do to alleviate anxiety?" I thought back to those many nights that I would lie awake worrying about my work and the things that I had to do, worrying about my SO and what was going to happen to us, and worrying about my mother who had severe depression. Sometimes I would eventually fall asleep but mostly I would just obsess.

I know now that it was normal to obsess over these things because that was part of my codependency and dysfunction. I also think that it was related to my being caught up in drama and insanity. I would let FEAR (false evidence appears real) rule me and make me crazy. I also had to be perfect and not only succeed but exceed at everything that I did. There was nothing that I wouldn't take on because I knew that I could do the job and was really strong. How wrong I was!

I was a basket case filled with anger, resentment and self-pity. I wasn't taking on things because I wanted to, instead I was doing it to make myself feel better by getting approval. I desperately wanted to be loved and admired for doing so much.

Through the program of Al-Anon, I've learned that I don't have to be all things to all people. I only have to please myself and by keeping the focus on myself I can rid myself of the negative feelings. Some of the things that have helped me to keep anxieties at bay are:

1. Exercise--If I'm anxious or stuck in the muck, going for a run, getting outside, doing something that requires physical exertion really helps rid my mind of the garbage
2. Reading AA/Al-Anon literature--I keep books and daily readers by my bed so if I wake up in the night, I start reading which calms me down.
   
3. Going to meetings--I go to AA and Al-Anon meetings several times a week. These meetings keep me grounded in the program and give me hope.
4. Looking to my HP--When things are more than I can handle, I look to my Higher Power for guidance and to lift the burdens. Prayer and meditation are great ways to stop obsessing over something or someone that I'm trying to control.
   
5. Focusing on the moment--By not looking back or looking forward, I can think about the here and now. Even if I can only do this for a half hour, it may be enough to not let the "do loop" of anxiety get going in my head.
   
6. Call my sponsor and talk about my anxiety and the root of it. I'm fortunate to have a caring wise sponsor who doesn't mind listening when I'm not on the right path.
   
7. Revisiting the steps, especially steps 1-3. I know that I am powerless over people, places and things and am willing to turn my life over to my HP to steer me when I'm rudderless.
   

The things that I mention are those that I've found useful to get me through anxious moments. It's a lot better than facing the demons alone.