Rainy Easter Weekend

I have been off the grid for about four days on the boat.  My wife and I decided that it was a good time to spend a few days away.  The weather wasn't good with small craft advisories.  We decided to go anyway and enjoyed relaxing anchored at one of our favorite secluded spots.  The magic of being on the water never ceases to amaze me.

I went to see my first sponsor on Thursday. He was doing well that day and was waiting for me to arrive.  We sat outside for about an hour before going into the elegant dining room for dinner. He seemed to enjoy the visit. I have to say that I am dreading the day when he is gone from my life.  I can accept that his decision is to not continue with chemotherapy.

I re-read some of Dr. Sherwin Nuland's book on How We Die.  I need to read the words: “The greatest dignity to be found in death is the dignity of the life that preceded it. This is a form of hope we call all achieve, and it is the most abiding of all. Hope resides in the meaning of what our lives have been.” And then this: “But the fact is, death is not a confrontation. It is simply an event in the sequence of nature's ongoing rhythms. Not death but disease is the real enemy, disease the malign force that requires confrontation. Death is the surcease that comes when the exhausting battle has been lost. Even the confrontation with disease should be approached with the realization that many of the sicknesses of our species are simply conveyances for the inexorable journey by which each of us is returned to the same state of physical, and perhaps spiritual, nonexistence from which we emerged at conception. Every triumph over some major pathology, no matter how ringing the victory, is only a reprieve from the inevitable end.” I needed the reminder that treating a metastasized disease like stage 4 lung cancer is not an option for some people whose quality of life isn't good on chemo.

I missed a week of meetings. I've noticed that some of the meetings which were filled up last year have fewer people in attendance.  Some meetings lose their flavor over time and attendance drops.  I received an email recently from a person who was concerned about one of her meetings dwindling in attendance. She wrote: "We are sometimes too small a group, and although we talked about this at a group conscience, the only change was that someone new agreed to do some service, but we just have so few people attending regularly. And I'm starting to feel overly responsible. I think the group is not being self-supporting, in a way. Those who do go regularly have told their own stories a lot, and it's starting to feel stale, to me. If you have any experiences with working through this in a group or suggestions about changing the format to make it work better for a small group, I'd really like to hear about them."

My home group is small, with about 6-8 people on average each week. We use a format of a step of the month study, a tradition of the month study, a literature topic, and an open discussion meeting each month.  It doesn't seem to get stale because we use a variety of conference approved literature.

In meetings that need rejuvenation, it's a good idea to have a group representative who attends the district meetings and can report on the health of the group.  If a meeting needs some help, other member groups in the district could attend and perhaps add an influx of new topics.  I am an advocate of being the change that you want to see in a meeting. Chairing meetings, bringing in guest speakers, and having the district representative attend are ways to add new life to meetings.

When I think about how many people are affected by someone else's drinking, it would seem that meetings would be overflowing.  That isn't often the case. For the past few days, I've been taking calls on the Al-Anon information service phone line.  A lot of people are calling in to find out about meetings and wanting to know how to get help for their loved ones.  The idea that Al-Anon is going to provide help in curing the alcoholic is a pretty common one. Explaining that Al-Anon is for those affected by another's drinking seems to be something that is hard for some to grasp.  But one of the great things about Al-Anon is that our changed attitudes towards the alcoholic can aid recovery.

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday.  We have been invited to brunch by a sailing friend. The rain continues to come down.  It has made the trees and bushes burst out in full leaf flush.  The catkins have been washed to the ground along with the oak pollen.  Spring has arrived here.

If you attend an open AA meeting

I have attended open AA meetings since I began Al-Anon.  I was encouraged to go to open meetings to hear the stories of alcoholics and to better understand the disease.  These open meetings remind me that hope never dies; that sobriety is possible; and that in many ways, we share the same fears. And every single speaker I hear says they wanted recovery for themselves, not because they were being nagged by a family member.

The two programs were closely allied in their origins and are naturally drawn together by their family ties. Yet the Twelve Traditions emphasize that each works more effectively if it remains separate. Thus, there can be no combining, joining, or uniting which would result in the loss of identity of either fellowship. Separateness rules out affiliation or merging, but it does not exclude cooperation with AA or acting together for mutual benefit.

Some of the open AA meetings I attend are speaker meetings where I get to hear someone's "story" of what it was like, what happened and what it is like now.  The first open AA meeting I attended was a speaker meeting.  I was so moved by what I heard that I developed a great awe for the miracles that can occur in recovery.  I was moved in that meeting to tears.  There was no blaming of the family, just a focus on their recovery through the steps.  I realized then the power of those steps because if they could help someone who was in such dire circumstances with alcoholism, then they surely could help me.

When I go to open Big Book studies or open discussion meetings, I know to not share but say that I am a grateful member of Al-Anon who is there to listen.  I learned that at AA meetings, even open ones, it is only appropriate for alcoholics (or people there because of their own drinking problem) to share (unless specifically asked to be a speaker).  The primary purpose is for alcoholics to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety.  I can't do that from my non-alcoholic perspective.  It would be equally inappropriate for an alcoholic who isn't affected by someone else's drinking to share at an Al-Anon meeting. Or for a friend, who is along to just lend moral support, to share.

Several years ago,  when I was in the first year of Al-Anon,  I was out of town at a work conference.  I was having a tough time--I was away from home, screwed up in the head, and a co-dependent mess.  I couldn't find an Al-Anon meeting to attend, so I went to an open AA meeting within walking distance of the hotel.

I walked into that mid-day meeting and introduced myself to an elderly gentleman in a wheelchair. I told him that I was in Al-Anon but needed to be at a meeting.  I think he could tell that I was a mess.   He asked me to chair the meeting which I declined.  He then told me that it would be okay and would help the other attendees.  I felt unsure about this,  but decided that if I was being asked to do something then I needed to go ahead with it.  God knows, I needed to be at that meeting. For some reason, I felt that I was being guided to do this and just trusted that it would all be okay.

So I read How It Works and then he asked me to tell my story.  So I gave about a 15 minute share about what being me currently felt like and how I had gotten into Al-Anon for help in my own recovery. There were about 10 people present at the meeting and each one who shared indicated that my story reminded them of why they needed to stay sober and of the pain that they had caused others. One fellow said that he had committed crimes on a daily basis during his years of alcohol and drugs, had been to thousands of AA meetings but had never heard an Al-Anon speak.  He said that the honesty and courage that I expressed were to be commended.  These people made me feel welcome.  I left that meeting with a sense of well-being that put me at peace.

I may have committed a breach in the traditions, but I will not forget the kindness I was shown by the AA fellowship there. And for some reason that made me feel better about a lot of things. It may not have been the best thing for a beginner in Al-Anon to do, but I appreciate that the elderly man in the wheelchair recognized a fellow lost soul and reached out to help.

Step Studies: How To's?

There have been some issues about how the step study is being conducted at one of the meetings I regularly attend.  There has been a lot of cross talk, some snippy comments, and some focus on personalities and not principles. Last night at the study meeting, there was general disarray in which cross talk prevailed, people who walked in 10 minutes before the meeting was to close and who were there for the regular meeting were asked to participate in the step meeting, and no chair was present.  At the group conscience, we decided to try to come up with some guidelines on how a good study group would work. 

I have attended well run step studies in the past.  I think the thing that has been important with those was that whoever chaired the study meeting had worked the 12 steps and was basically walking the walk. I couldn't find anything on line about how to put together a study meeting in Al-Anon, so I came up with some thoughts based on my own experience.

• If the meeting is approved by WSO, then only conference approved literature may be used.  The Bible and the Big Book of AA are not conference approved for Al-Anon.  But there is a wealth of CAL from Al-Anon. The first step meeting I ever attended was one in which we read How Al-Anon Works.  It was a great introduction to the program and to the steps and traditions.  There are a number of other good CAL books such as the newly published Discovering Our Choices.

• I think that one of the first things to do is to decide what kind of meeting this should be: a step study or an Al-Anon book study. It could simply be called a "Study Meeting" which would enable attendees to not only read and discuss the steps, traditions, and concepts but to also read from other books such as How Al-Anon Works, Discovering Our Choices, and other CAL.

• There needs to be a decision as to who will be there each week to "lead" the meeting.  Having a back up person available would also be a good idea. It would be ideal to have someone who has worked the steps be there.  The "leaders" are simply there to maintain continuity not to lecture or to dominate. Since this will likely be a reading group, a suggested approach is to have a person read a few paragraphs and then briefly discuss the material. Avoidance of cross talk is highly recommended because it tends to slow things down. 

• The "lead" is willing to conduct the meeting according to the format. This person is obligated to uphold the group conscience from the chair; and be willing to explain the group's function and goals to newcomers and visitors before, during, and after the meeting. This person must be willing to interrupt an individual who is off the step and remind them of the purpose of the meeting.

• It's important to have a group preamble or group conscience statement which lays out the framework for the meeting. It defines our mission, the way we carry our message to others. It defines the ground rules of the meeting. It could, for example, make it clear that sharing at a step study meeting depends upon whether a person has direct experience with the 12 steps. The chair would also make certain that no cross talk occurs. There needs to be agreement on the meeting "rules"--e.g. no cross talk, sharing briefly and not going on and on, limit the group to those who arrived at the start of the meeting and not at the end.  It might be advisable to find a smaller room to have the study group so that individuals who come in for the regular open meeting don't disrupt the group. 

• The chairperson needs to keep the meeting focused.  At each meeting, the chairperson would announce the step or reading and the pages that will be covered. The chair would then ask people to read a few paragraphs and then discuss what resonated with each as they read.   A study meeting needs to stay on topic and not wander off into other directions.  This weakens the group and can also be frustrating. 

Study groups work!   They work by being very structured and specific. They work by putting the principles of Al-Anon ahead of our own (and other people's) personalities, and by keeping one aim above all else: carrying the message of the program to others who want it.  It isn't particularly productive to try to pass on to others something that you haven't got.

This just points out my experience.  I personally think that study groups, whether step or CAL book studies, are beneficial to recovery as long as they have some structure and leadership. 

Sorry for the long post.  I just had to get these thoughts down.  Maybe some of you on here will have some thoughts on how to improve this so that it will be useful as a guideline for the next group conscience meeting.  Please let me have your E, S, and H on this.

Good memories

I got back late last night from Newport. What a great town. I was reminded of going there about three years ago. I was an anxiety-ridden mess. I was going through a crisis with my wife. I had just gotten into Al-Anon. Everything in my world was a maelstrom of confusion.

I called my sponsor from the airport. I can remember having a conversation in which I didn't really hear what he was saying except that I needed to keep the focus on myself.

I thought that the best way to do that was to go to some recovery meetings. I went to several open AA meetings while I was there because there weren't any Al-Anon meetings during my stay.

I walked into a mid-day meeting and introduced myself to an elderly gentleman in a wheelchair. I told him that I was in Al-Anon but needed to be at a meeting. I think that he could sense my anxiety. He asked me to chair the meeting which I declined. He told me that it would be okay (which I now realize does not coincide with Tradition One). I felt a bit unsure but decided that if I was being asked to do something then I needed to go ahead with it. God knows, I needed to be at that meeting. For some reason, I felt that I was being guided to do this and just trusted that it would all be okay.

So I read How It Works and then he asked me to tell my story. So I gave about a 15 minute share about what being me currently felt like and how I had gotten into Al-Anon for help in my own recovery. There were about 10 people present at the meeting and each one who shared indicated that my story reminded them of why they needed to stay sober and of the pain that they had caused others. One fellow said that he had committed crimes on a daily basis during his years of alcohol and drugs, had been to thousands of AA meetings but had never heard an Al-Anon speak. He said that the honesty and courage that I expressed were to be commended. I felt very welcomed and had a sense of well-being that put me at peace.

So going back to Newport this week made me remember the kindness I was shown by the AA fellowship there. And for some reason that made me feel better about a lot of things. It may not have been the best thing for a beginner in Al-Anon to do, but I appreciate that the elderly man in the wheelchair recognized a fellow lost soul and reached out to help.

A lot of gratitude

It was a great weekend in so many ways. I took off from work on Friday and Tuesday which really made for a long weekend with Monday being a holiday.

I made a quick trip out of state, came back and went on the sail boat for a couple of days. The weather couldn't have been better. The breezy conditions kept the temperatures pleasant and the biting insects away.

Unfortunately, I didn't make it back in time last night to chair the Beginners' Meeting at my usual Tuesday night meeting. I like to do that meeting because I believe that Beginners are so important to the program.

Unfortunately, there seems to be little interest by others to volunteer to work with Beginners. If I don't show up, the Beginners get incorporated into the Step Study meeting.

Al-Anon has a great suggested format for doing a Beginners Meeting. I've found it to be particularly useful in introducing them to the Al-Anon program and informing them about the disease of alcoholism. It is also good to let the newcomers discuss their experience and motivation for coming to Al-Anon, something that doesn't always happen in formatted meetings.

I am grateful that I had the opportunity when I first came to Al-Anon to be part of a group that thought the newcomer was important. I found patience, compassion and explanation of how the program worked. I think that it's important to encourage newcomers to come back and to be willing to listen to them. It's a great opportunity to share experience, strength and hope with those who are new to the program.

I'm hoping that others will decide to step up and chair the half-hour Beginners Meeting. So far the interest hasn't been enthusiastic. I am grateful for each newcomer who has the courage to walk through the door. And I hope to be there as much as possible to greet them and make them feel welcome.

Meeting places

My home group meets in a moldy old church building with no toilets available. Plenty of times I've had to go out to the grave yard to water a bush or tree. The building has ceiling tiles that have fallen in to expose insulation. The heating and AC aren't working well.

Yet, there is a brand new church just across the road. Apparently, there are issues that the vestry has with whether or not the AA/Al-Anon groups should have access to the new building. A TV disappeared from the old meeting building over six months ago. The AA fellowship was blamed for the missing TV.

There are other meeting places in the area where funds were stolen. This resulted in a lot of hard feelings as this was an AA club house that had a safe in the floor. No one was ever arrested for the theft of the money.

I've also noted that meeting attendees could be more respectful and considerate of the people who share the facility with them. Cigarette butts left outside on the grounds are a major issue. People are often inconsiderate about where they park their cars.

Complacency can allow some of the things to happen that are inappropriate. One member described complacency as "live and let live" disguised. I believe that it is part of the trusted servant status to make sure that meeting places are left in the same or better state after they are used by the fellowship. It is a good idea to remove all evidence of a meeting after the meeting is over. That way no can complain about problems with the fellowship.

I'd like to hear about your experiences and thoughts about meeting places. There is a solution.

The Al-Anon Marshal

My home group has several newcomers who are just learning about Al-Anon. They have started to hear things that make some sense. And they are also opening up to share at meetings.

I had the topic for Monday night's meeting. Here's how the meeting went:

• Newcomers are really digging the meeting because they are cross talking all over each other.
• I am the Al-Anon marshal (=chair) for the night so I explained that we don't interrupt each other in meetings. (Translation: let's not have a free-for-all ladies. Remember Tradition One??)
  
• The next share is by a newcomer who said that she chose to leave her active alcoholic for her emotional health.
• The next newcomer sharing asked, "Well, aren't you supposed to stay with someone in sickness and in health? If alcoholism is a disease, then aren't we supposed to stick around with the diseased person, just as we would for a person with cancer? We wouldn't leave them, so why leave the alcoholic?"
  
• I, as the Al-Anon marshal, say with a great deal of sincerity that we aren't here to question the actions of another but to share our own experience, strength and hope. (Translation: Whoa, better break this up before things get nasty!)
• Then another newcomer started quoting biblical scripture.
  
• I'm hoping that the bible quoting will be brief. It was. (Translation: I'm glad that I didn't have to explain that religion is one of the obstacles in Al-Anon).
  
• Another newcomer shared that she was accosted by a drunk fellow in the grocery store. He was "stalking" her, asking for help and said that he was drunk. She wheeled around and said, "I'm Al-Anon. And you stink! Get away from me!"
  
• At this point, the room erupts in laughter.
  
• I am realizing that I'm really not the Al-Anon marshal here. (Translation: I'm deputy to this petite, blonde newcomer who wants to take names and kick ass)
  
• After the laughter died to a chuckle, I manage to mumble something about keeping the number for the AA intergroup handy to give to drunk people who follow (=stalk) us. And that we maintain anonymity (=don't shout Al-Anon at people) via Tradition 12.
  
• Finally, after the meeting ended, I talked to the person who had blown my anonymity by telling my story to a relative. (Translation: I had done a Step 10 and needed to be honest about what was bothering me).
  
• I was glad to get out the door and into my car for a fast get-away.
  

These things happen at meetings. And it seems on this night, the meeting was more about how to have a meeting than about the topic. The chair of the meeting is supposed to make sure that the meeting has some order and that the traditions are upheld.

Newcomers are important to the fellowship. Yet, as Tradition One states, our common welfare comes first. I didn't particularly like the role of having to provide a reminder to the newcomers but maybe it will help not only them but everyone else as well.

As my sponsor said later, it seems that we hit on just about every one of the three obstacles and a few of the traditions. It was a learning experience for all of us. I'm turning in my badge for a few weeks.

Wired up

I don't have much time to post today. I have to work on the boat this morning and then go to the noon meeting where I've got the topic.

Regarding the boat, the electrical wiring of the mast is taking a bit more time than I thought. The rest of the lights are fine but I'm adding an anchor light and a top all round white mast light. Progress hopefully will be made today on it. I'm not much on electrical stuff so a friend is helping out.

The noon meeting topic is going to be keeping the focus on ourselves. That's something that I need to remember how to do more often than not. I can lose focus on me if I'm not careful. Sometimes it seems that I focus on myself so much that it's selfish. Anyway, it will be good to hear what others have to say.

Have a great day. I'm off to focus on electricity first.

Edgy

I chaired the meeting of my home group last night. My sponsor was back in town from the holidays and another member who had recent surgery was there. I enjoy this meeting because it is small and everyone has ample time to share. We do daily readings and have an opportunity to comment on them. And the topics are generally good.

We had started the meeting and were into the topic of the meeting when another member showed up late due to a punctured tire. She wanted to talk about the tire and what happened about it. That's all okay, but she was getting a bit long-winded about it, so I suggested that we get back to the meeting topic. She jokingly said that she didn't think that I was going to be so strict about the meeting.

For some reason, I felt angry over this. I needed to be at that meeting last night and wanted to get something out of it, yet there was a lot of cross talk and other discussion that didn't relate to either the topic or dealing with alcoholism. It bothered me enough that I wanted to get up, gather my things and walk out the door. I've never felt like actually leaving a meeting before, least of all my home group.

I inventoried why I was angry and found that it related to my self-esteem being lowered by what I perceived as disregard for the topic and for me because I was chairing. It was the old stuff surfacing in which people decide to play by their own rules and not mine. So it pissed me off. It was ironic to be discussing the topic of Just for Today (that I blogged about a few days ago) and yet I was as edgy as a piece of broken glass.

I know why I was bothered and I know that I still feel some resentment but realize that quite often what I hope to get from a meeting is not the same as what someone else hopes to get out of one. And just because someone else has a different agenda, doesn't mean that it has anything to do with me. Damn, this stuff is hard sometimes.

Pulling together

One the great thing about the program is that we don't have to go it alone but can count on others to be there to help us get through good and bad times. I've always been a loner preferring to isolate myself because of the fear of being rejected.

What I've learned over the past year is that there are so many others who have also tried to go it alone and just get by on self-will. It's a much better way of living when we learn that if we pull together we can experience happiness. By sharing our experience, strength and hope, we not only help ourselves to recover but we help others as well.

I chaired the Beginner's Meeting today for the first time. We talked about the Serenity Prayer and Step One. The beginners shared about what brought them to Al-Anon. I've signed up to do this every week as I enjoy it. It reinforces for me that we have a common problem and that by working the program, we learn from each other.

Beginner's meeting

I signed up to do the Beginner's meeting next Thursday. I was hesitant because I thought that I would need more time in the program. But there is an Al-Anon guideline for conducting a Beginner's meeting that doesn't seem too daunting.

Basically, I'm supposed to introduce newcomers to the Al-Anon program as well as inform them about the disease of alcoholism. I also share the experience, strength and hope that I found in Al-Anon. I'm supposed to mention the steps with particular emphasis on Steps One through Three.

There is something about still being a Beginner myself that makes me identify so with them. I also like the idea of introducing others to this great program. I've heard griping from a friend about Beginner's and how they are a pain. I don't understand that. To my mind, the teachings of the program are a legacy--one that is passed down from the lineage of my sponsor to me and eventually from me to others. I see Beginner's as the reason for having this program. They are the most important people at a meeting. I'm looking forward to this opportunity to do some service.

Not much labor

After all the rain of the past couple of days, it was nice to see the sun shine and feel fall in the air. I had the day off so I spent the morning at home taking care of a few things. In the afternoon, I went down to the local tall ship to do some volunteer work. I've enjoyed spending time doing dock watches and going for a sail or two. The tall ship program is about marine education and teamwork for children in the state. It's a neat idea and one that I hope will enhance education in a state that really needs it.

After being on the tall ship, I went to Compass Rose and grilled a couple of steaks, talked with the neighbors on their boats, and watched some fireworks over the city. I am thankful to have a peaceful place to go to. Home is peaceful but filled with so many reminders of a lifetime, of my parents lifetime, and of the current state of our lives together. Sometimes, I just need to be where there are no reminders and only the bare necessities are present. The boat is like a treehouse--a place to reconnect with myself.

I chair the meeting tomorrow at an Al-Anon meeting and am thinking about a topic. I would like to talk about the difficulties in having one person change when the other one appears "stuck". It might hit too close to home for me though. So perhaps I'll suggest a topic dealing with self-rightousness. That seems to be an easy spot for me to slip into and I know that it isn't productive. I need to practice acceptance and not get sucked into thinking that I have the answers. My HP has the answers if I'll just keep quiet and listen.

Chairing an AA meeting

I had the most amazing experience today. Once again, being out of town, I went to an AA meeting. It was a couple of blocks from the hotel so I arrived a bit early. There were two guys there and they introduced themselves. While I shared some coffee with them, I explained that I was a guest and affiliated with Al-Anon. One of the fellows asked if I would chair the meeting. I indicated again that I wasn’t with AA but with Al-Anon and that I wasn’t sure that it was appropriate for me to do that. He said that it was okay since there were NA’s there and it really didn’t matter. I felt a bit unsure but decided that if I was being asked to do something then I needed to go ahead with it. God knows, I needed to be at that meeting today so I wasn’t about to get caught up in propriety. For some reason, I felt that I was being guided to do this and just trusted that it would all be okay.

So the upshot was that I chaired an AA meeting. I also was asked to be the first to share my story which I did. There were about 10 people present at the meeting and each one who shared indicated that my story reminded them of why they needed to stay sober and of the pain that they had caused others. One fellow said that he had committed crimes on a daily basis during his years of alcohol and drugs, had been to thousands of AA meetings but had never heard an Al-Anon speak. He said that the honesty and courage that I expressed were to be commended. I felt very welcomed and had a sense of well-being that put me at peace. I’m very grateful to have had the opportunity to share my story twice this week in the fellowship of AA.