Released this morning from all pain

During the darkest, most terrifying time of my life, an older man took my calls 24/7, helped me to think through my choices before acting rashly, listened to the rage and heartbreak that seemed bottomless, met with me when I was melting down, occasionally reminded me to get off my pity pot, and loved me fiercely through it all. He was fond of saying that he was a 19 year old spirit trapped in a broken-down body. This morning, he was released from that broken-down body. I am so happy for him, that his suffering is ended. But, I will miss him terribly. I have saved the emails and even the voice messages on my phone.  And I can read or listen to those to recall his presence.  And his voice remains in my head, recalling the last time I talked to him.

Today, in celebration of my friend's life, I will do my best to seize the day, even though my back is in agony this morning.  I will remind myself that memories are made of small things as well as those occasions that are momentous. I will be grateful instead of stuck in fear or impatience.  I know that my friend is part of a great energy swirling around.  We came together out of a connection, felt deep inside.  And that connection we felt has made me aware of how much joy and gratitude I have in my life.  Rest easy, my friend.

Afterlife

My friend and mentor is dying. I went to see him today at the Hospice Center, knowing that his death will come very soon. He was unresponsive. I have read that hearing is the last sense to go, so I talked to him and read one of my favorite poems to him.

His birthday is in another week so I read Dylan Thomas's Poem in October. I remember how this poem touched something deep inside me when I first read it years ago. It has been a poem for me to gauge the passing of my years. My thirtieth year to heaven is long gone but these words still ring true:

"My birthday began with the water- 
Birds and the birds of the winged trees flying my name 
Above the farms and the white horses 
And I rose And walked abroad in shower of all my days...." 

Sitting next to my friend and watching his breathing in and out, made me think about what lies beyond death. I told him that I would see him on the other side. I don't know what the other side will be, but I know what I would like it to be. It would be what I experienced this week on the boat.

My ideal would be to see the sun rise over the ocean, as it pushed back the night and painted the sea with silver and gold, shimmering like diamonds on the surface. The way it flooded the dunes with an ambient magical light that was warm and beautiful, bouncing off the clouds.  I watched the dolphins cruise by and the seagulls fly overhead.  I watched the formations of pelicans soar on the thermal air currents as they flew in front of the waves.  I watched the dogs run through the surf wagging their tails and admired the reflection of the vast sky overhead in the tidal pools.  I admired the way the clouds changed color as the sun rose and how they drifted over the sea slowly and languidly changing shape and form.  I listened to the birds singing in the trees and marveled at how many wildflowers were blooming and how they covered the dunes.  I was uplifted to see the butterflies migrate down the beach, and the sound of crickets was music to my soul.  I appreciated life at the moment because it was beautiful and meaningful to me.  

So I don't  know what Heaven looks like and do not deny or accept how others see it.  But when I looked around and above this morning and felt the experience I had right then in that moment, the peace it gave me, I believe I saw my Heaven all around me.

A worthy cause

I haven't posted something like this before.  But the young lady, Judy, is someone I know and can tell you that she has an inspiring story of strength and hope.  You can read about her story here at College Fund.

Her goal is to go to college and then nursing school.  She has overcome so much in her short life.  If you can donate a few dollars towards helping her achieve her goal, it would be much appreciated.

My wife and I know her family.  I can tell you that they are wonderful people. And they are appreciative of being in this country. If you have any questions, email me. Thank you!

Birthday thoughts

Today is my birthday. And I am having a happy day. 

My sadness that I wrote about in the last post went away after a good night's sleep. I am glad not to be stuck in feeling sad for too long. I like to focus on the positive but everyone has "those" days.

Anyway, the above is what my lovely wife fixed for breakfast. A good healthy omelet to start this birthday. 

She gave me a huge birthday gift--landscaping of our backyard to include an outdoor fireplace and eating area. The photo shows the slate walkway being put in. In about another week, we will be enjoying our newly landscaped backyard.

I went to a good meeting this morning, saw some recovery friends including a new fellow I sponsor.  He is a sad mess as most of us are when we figure out we can't fix those we love. But he is learning to trust me which is good. Most of us don't know how to trust when we come into the rooms. Trust has been lost and promises broken. Hopefully, as we work together healing will occur.

Thank you for your comments, kicks in the ass to get over myself, and plain talk when I needed those very things. You guys rock. 

Reunion time

It has been a stunningly beautiful day in eastern Virginia. I drove up here last Thursday to attend my high school reunion.  My good friend from elementary and high school flew in from New Mexico.  Today we spent most of the day being a tourist in our home town.

One of the sites visited was Rosewell ruins, reputed in its day to be one of the most elaborate homes in the American colonies.  I remember seeing Rosewell as a child and climbing through brambles and brush to climb on the ruins. Today, the structure has been shored up and the brush cleared away. Archaeological studies are ongoing to unearth artifacts from the 1700's and later times.

After we did sightseeing, we had a chance to sit and talk for a long time.  He came right out and told me that he was the adult child of an alcoholic.  I had no idea that his dad drank heavily.  He told me about his struggles with being a perfectionist and not feeling good enough.  Amazing after all these years, he tells me about the difficulties he had with an alcoholic father.  Once again I am reminded that there are so many of us affected by alcoholism.

I have taken many photos since I arrived.  The reunion was a good time. The ones who were drunks in high school are still drunks.  But they are getting a little worn around the edges after years of drinking.  And 18 classmates have died from various causes including suicide. Some people actually looked better than I remember them.  Several of the fellows I didn't recognize because they had no hair.  Genetics and hard living definitely have a lot to do with how we age.

I really wish that C. could be here.  I've talked to her many times each day, but it isn't the same as having her here. The animals definitely make it difficult for us to go on an extended vacation together.  I don't really know what I'll do for the next few days.  There are more sights to see as the area is historical.  I've been to most all the places at one time or another in my life, but I didn't photograph them.  So I'll have my camera and do as much photography as possible while I'm here.

Here are a few images from my hometown:

If you want what we have......

With so many people in pain from the misery of living with an alcoholic, I wonder what it actually takes for them to eventually realize that they too have been affected by the disease.  Yet, day in and day out, they struggle along as a caregiver, angry spouse, unhappy person who puts on so many masks to the world so the world won't know how much pain and sadness the person has.

Leah Odze Epstein in Drinking Diaries tells what she found at a meeting and what she didn't find:

There, in that room, I finally found people who got it–who felt like me, alone and alienated most of the time, except there, in that room, when they told their stories. I felt those people could help me, if I let them. But I couldn’t bring myself to go back to that depressing room.

Nearly a decade later, plagued by some of the same issues that seem to haunt adult children of alcoholics (control issues? Check. Accept nothing less than perfection? Check. Alienated? Yup), I went to another Al-Anon meeting in the suburbs. Again with the dimly lit room. Again with the hard chairs. Again with the basement. Were we trying to re-create our childhood suffering through the setting? I didn’t get it.

There were only eight of us sitting in a circle, and I was the youngest. No one smoked or drank coffee. The energy in the room was flat. I couldn’t breathe. But I sat there and listened to the forty-something woman with the twisted hands talk about her crippling rheumatoid arthritis and her nightmare mother. I listened to the nearly 300 pound man talk about his bad mother, too. And the woman whose lips barely moved when she, too, spoke of her evil mother.

I never went back to Al-Anon after that. I’m not saying it’s not a lifesaver for many people. I’m sure it is. Still…

Sometimes, I fantasize about the kind of meeting I might like to attend. First off, I wouldn’t call it a meeting. Maybe a Girl’s Night Out. There would be women my age, maybe a bit younger, some a bit older. The women would be smart and funny. Some would have battle scars, but they’d talk about them with humor. Maybe we’d laugh until we cried, sharing our stories, and how we turned out after all that craziness. I picture sitting in a warm cozy place, maybe on a red velvet couch–My fantasy Al-Anon meeting takes place in a restaurant, or a bar.

I know that not all meetings are healthy ones. I have been to many that were not in line with the Traditions. I attended one a couple of days ago in which there was a lot of crosstalk and the main topic was suicide and not those related to alcohol. I shared about how low being affected by my wife's drinking had brought me--to the point where I didn't care if I lived or died and was contemplating my own death.  Sometimes, what we say reaches the ears of someone who needs to hear it, just as I need to hear something that resonates with me.  A lady came up to me afterwards and said that she understood more now about the suicide of her alcoholic brother--how complete loss of hope can bring one to make such a decision.

I know that Al-Anon is a program of attraction rather than promotion.  And I know that there are other ways to get help rather than by working a 12 step program. But if you want people to talk to who are familiar with the disease and its effects on others, why not check it out and see if there is something in it to help you?  Maybe bring a pad if the chairs are too hard. Or bring your own latte.

I get emails from people who say that they get a lot from reading my blog. They write that it helps them to know someone else who has been affected by the disease and worked to recover. And that reading the posts is better than going to Al-Anon.  I don't know about you, but I read a lot of information on alcoholism before I went to Al-Anon and none of it brought me the peace of mind that I now have.  I read books on co-dependence and still I didn't understand how to get free from the years of behavioral patterns or "isms" that seemed to make my life unmanageable.  I don't write as much about alcoholism anymore.  I write about living life on life's terms.  And that, at times, can be wonderful or it can be difficult.

My older blog posts when I first started were about all the issues I had with a newly sober spouse.  I had a lot of issues with understanding what serenity even meant.  I didn't understand what a Higher Power was.  I had no idea of how to "let go", detach with love, or accept others for who they are.  Keeping the focus on myself was meaningless because I had spent so many years focusing on others that I cared about.  I could focus at work, but no one knew how lost I felt on the inside or how sad I was some days.  I had one confidante at work who I talked to mostly about his love for a recovering addict.  I lost a good friend when I told him about the difficulties we were having coping with recovery.

But in all of this turmoil, I knew that if I kept going to meetings, worked the steps, and talked to my sponsor, I would feel better one day.  Misery was truly optional.  And it took me a while before I finally got the idea that I didn't have to focus all of my energy on another person.  I could be my own person and have a life where there was happiness and even serenity.

For those of you who have read this blog or other blogs that focus on recovery, you'll likely find that we have discovered a way of living that isn't about how miserable our lives are.  Most of us have jobs we enjoy or have had successful careers. Most of us have hobbies and activities that are a passion.  Most of us get up in the morning and think about what is good about our lives and are grateful for those we love.  Most of us have discovered that we can handle the ups and downs of this life without falling apart or sinking into self-pity and self-loathing.  We have learned one day at a time to live life on life's terms.

The things that used to bother me aren't nearly as important any more.  I still have my own shortcomings that I work on every day.  I still forget to live in the day rather than project into the future. And I occasionally have an expectation about someone or something.  But for the most part, I am living a much more balanced life than ever before.  I realize that I only have a finite number of years in my life.  And I am grateful for the help of those in Al-Anon who reached out a hand to me and to whom I now offer my own hand in return.

What I have been doing

I've had a busy time lately.  I spent the weekend on a trip down to the ACE Basin.  I asked a fellow that I know to ride along, thinking that he would give me a hand at the wheel so that I wouldn't be at the helm for 8 hours. I found out that he really doesn't know much about boats.  And that's really okay, because I had made the ASSumption that because he belonged to a boating organization, he might know something.

He is an affable fellow so we had good discussions on a lot of things. He lost his wife six years ago and is still sad about that.  He said that his life pretty much went off track after she died.  Not the drinking kind of off track but just not really there, if you know what I mean.  We talked politics because he shares the same leftist liberal views that I do.  I can tell you that if he weren't, we would have had a lot less to talk about because I don't discuss politics with most people.  We talked about his being Jewish and his going back to synagogue.  And we talked about what kind of boat he would like to get. He spent a lot of time on the iPhone too.

We passed the time and eventually met up with some fellow boaters and sailors at a marina.  Happy hour was pretty happy but not over the top.  And the dinner was at a resort restaurant.  I was seated across from a lady and her husband who were doing the Great Loop which goes up the East Coast.  Interesting stuff, except that she was really snippy and rude to her husband who seemed to want to talk incessantly.  He was working on his third Dark and Stormy, repeating the earlier stories, and she was telling us how she knew who she was at 20 and didn't need to learn much more about herself.  I finally said that I didn't have a clue who I was at 20 and was really getting to know who I was over the past decade.  I am really happy that I have made that progress.  And I know enough to realize that I can last through a two hour dinner with just about anyone, learn something, and then walk back to the boat.

On Sunday, we headed back up the coast to my home port.  I was tired and in need of a good soaking shower when I got home.  But here are some photos of the scenery on the trip.

At the dock

Lots of marsh and lowlands

Storm clouds coming in 

Paddle boarders going by 

A bridge opening on the ICW

Old boat shed along the way

Yes, that is a manned gun boat telling me to stay away. 

And then there is the garden.  It is coming along nicely.  My wife has a green thumb.  We have mulched, planted, amended, and irrigated.   The flowers are her pride and joy.  I like them but am partial to growing the edibles.  I do like the strawberries and blueberry plants.  I had best show you the way it looks now because later in the summer, it will not look nearly as pretty or lush.  

The blueberries!

Irrigating the raised beds

Potatoes coming up 

The walkway to the front door

Today is also my mother's birthday.  I usually write a tribute to her here.  My tribute to her this year is short. She was an inspiration in so many ways.  I miss her every day.  She loved me as her child and taught me about dedication, science, a love for books and research, and to pursue my dreams no matter what.

Resisting change

"Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like." 

— Lao Tzu

One of my favorite and long-time blogging friends, Dave, at Higher Powered has decided to stop his daily blog after 3514 posts.  He was one of the first bloggers that I read when I started. Dave, Mary Christine, Pammie, Scott W., Scout, Meg, Tab, and several others were inspiring to me.  I've said before that blogging is like a community or even a neighborhood.  New people come in, and sometimes the ones who have been around for a long time decide it's time to move on.  I will miss Dave, just as I've missed others who have stopped writing. But like most things, it's flexible.  There are no musts.  I like that.

One of the great things about blogging is that you come through with comments that help me.  Your thoughts about my MIL were helpful and comforting.  I think that Hospice may be the best thing for her. Having the Hospice folks come to her house and work with the caregivers already there will be good.

When I visited her yesterday, I was happy that she knew who I was.   I did get her to eat a little something too.  She has a sense of humor still, telling me that she didn't feel too "Christmasy" yet.  Her speech is impaired so it's hard to understand her.  I photographed her.  I've been doing this over the years but want to capture as much of her as possible.  It feels urgent to do so now.

People come and go in our lives.  Some are with us for decades.  We get used to them being around.  And then, one day they are gone.  I am accepting of that, even though there is some part of me that grieves for the loss, doesn't like the absence, resists changes.

“I give you this to take with you:

Nothing remains as it was. If you know this, you can

begin again, with pure joy in the uprooting.” 

― Judith Minty

The lights are still up

It's traditional for us to take down the Christmas lights and tree on New Year's Day.  I will miss the lights and the tree, but I have to say that I'm glad Christmas is over.  It was relatively free of pain, except for Christmas day. 

On Christmas morning, we fixed a nice breakfast and my wife unwrapped her gifts.  I surprised her with a few things this year, even though we had agreed not to buy each other anything. I simply had to get her some things for her stocking and a few other odds and ends.  All of that was happy.  

The sad part came when we visited her parents.  Her mother didn't recognize either of us.  She talked a bit but was pretty much focused on not eating her lunch.  We didn't stay long.  Then we drove to the nursing home to visit C.'s dad.  He was in bed and wasn't feeling well.  So we left his presents there for him. 

No matter how hard I try, the expectation of Christmas day seems to get to me.  Both of us were sad about the parents.  We know that there is nothing that can be done, but it is still hard to see them in such decline.  On Christmas night, I felt so very sad.  

I thought about my parents who were married near Christmas.  And that my mother used to show me an old perfume bottle that held Nuit de Noel (Christmas Night) which was a gift from my father to her.  I had thoughts of my parents, missing them, and wondering what it is like to be over 90 years old, sick in body and demented as my wife's parents are.  And I wondered how I would get through hosting a party the next day.  

Even though the day after Christmas was rainy and windy,  both of us felt better as if the weight of previous day was past. By the afternoon, the rain had stopped,  and the day turned clear and sunny.  We had a great time at the party, enjoyed seeing others have a good time, and were happy for so many friends in recovery.  I think that filling the house with people is a good idea.  Their presence chases away the memories of past Christmases that this year seem too much.  

So on this eve of New Year's eve,  I feel content.  The lights are still up.  It's cold outside but a warm fire is burning in the house.   I have had a good weekend of reading and relaxing. I went to a couple of meetings, including an open AA speaker meeting.  I feel back in balance.  

One of the important things that I've learned in recovery is that if I feel sad, I can share it because someone out there will know exactly what I am talking about and will be feeling just as sad/lost/alone as I do.  The friends that I have now were strangers to me at one time.  Who knows what friends I will have tomorrow.   

Come on and follow me

Sadly, my friend M. died on the evening of July 4.  He went peacefully and in the comfort of his family.  It crossed my mind that he would go that day.  I thought about him as I watched the fireworks, thinking that life is too damn short for some and too long for others.

I had a dream about him last night.  We were together on one of our marine science adventures.  I was trying to find my way, and he told me to "Come on and follow me."  In time, I will.

He will live on in my memories--that smile, his New England stoicism, calling me "Kiddo", hikes through the marsh, talking to his family and having me talk to them, his love for his dog, and his boundless energy and love for his work.  I am the better person for having known him.

The Fourth

We had quite a feast and good time at the marina picnic yesterday.  It felt good to chill out, talk to friends, watch fireworks and sleep on the boat at the end of the evening.  

The marina was packed with people who come down to watch the fireworks from probably the best location in the city.  In years past, the fireworks were shot off the deck of the aircraft carrier Yorktown.  This year, they were shot from a barge in the Harbor near the Yorktown and the marina.  So we really had a great view since our boat is docked next to the Yorktown breakwater.  

I do feel like a kid again watching those fireworks.  The kaleidoscope of lights and the sound of the rockets make for a happy time.  We left our dog at home since it was really hot in the afternoon, and we thought that all the people and fireworks might further add to her discomfort.  

As I watched the events and participated in the liveliness of the evening, I couldn't help but think about my friend, M., who is dying in a hospital in Boston.  He and I would room together at just about every national meeting we attended.  He was diagnosed with cancer around 12 years ago and managed to be in partial remission until last year.  A tumor was removed from his brain then.  Last week, he, his wife and children were at the family cabin in Maine when he began to bleed internally.  He was rushed to the hospital but remains in a coma.  I called him and left a message on his cell phone, telling him that I was thinking of him and thinking of the good times that we had over the years.  I don't know if he will hear what I said.  What do you say to someone who is dying?  I like what Randy Pausch, a terminally ill professor at Carnegie Mellon, said in a lecture: 

What is the most appropriate thing to say to a friend who was about to die. He answered: ”tell your friend that in his death, a part of you dies and goes with him. Whenever he goes, you also go. He will not be alone."  (The Last Lecture)

A couple of years ago, M. told me that his great hope was to see his children grow up.  I talked with a mutual friend who said that he knew the cancer was back and that the outcome wasn't going to be good.  So over the past month or so, M. had been preparing his children for his death.  I used to kid him about working so hard into the night when he was at meetings.  He would stay up reviewing manuscripts and tended to take on a lot of extra work.  But he lived for his family and his work.  He was content with who he was and was engaged in every aspect of those things that mattered in life.  I know that he has prepared them by giving unconditional love. 

I hope that he will go out peacefully, knowing that there are many who will miss him and remember him as a kind and gentle human being. 

Flood tide in the heart

The latest tropical storm missed us, thankfully. We are getting some stiff breezes. A wind surfer was having a grand time whizzing by boats and kayaks yesterday. Three boats dragged anchor and were heading out the inlet but were rescued by others. Like most of the estuaries around here, the ebb tide dominates and flows out with tremendous speed. That and rip currents contribute to many drowning deaths every year. And alcohol is certainly a factor in boating accidents.

Luckily, this was a subdued crowd, with a lot of children enjoying the beach. We are waiting on the rising tide to get enough water depth to cross the sand bar and then head for home. The flood tide will take us home, carrying us over the shoals.

The wind howled all night, waking me up frequently to check that all was well. Several friends came and went during the day, stopping by to sit on the sailboat, get out of the sun, and have some lunch. Around 3 PM, we decided to take a nap and have some time to ourselves. It wasn't long though before we heard someone yelling, "Do you have any Grey Poupon? Hey, Grey Poupon!" It was a couple of friends who had their sailboat anchored up the inlet from us. We carry some Grey Poupon now for these moments, so I said, "But of course! Come on board."

He is a member of the fellowship too. We have made so many friends through AA and Al-Anon. I had none when I came in and now am grateful for the new friendships that have come about. The people who have my back are few, but I am grateful for those rare individuals who have held my confidences and shared theirs. Breach of trust is a terrible thing and difficult to undo.

“Now it’s high watermark
and floodtide in the heart
and time to go.
The sea-nymphs in the spray
will be the chorus now.
What’s left to say?

Suspect too much sweet-talk
but never close your mind.
It was a fortunate wind
that blew me here. I leave
half-ready to believe
that a crippled trust might walk
and the half-true rhyme is love.”
― Seamus Heaney

Back home

I am back at home port. It was a wet ride back, with the worse part being the big seas once I got into the harbor. It feels good to be stopped once again, after the nine hour trip home.

The speakers yesterday were awesome. The morning Al-Anon speaker had a daughter affected by alcoholism. It was a moving story of how she learned to not enable and set clear boundaries with her daughter. It's clear that some Al-Anon's cannot stay away from alcoholics because this lady married four of them. The only non-alcoholic she married was too boring so she divorced him too!

Her daughter was the afternoon speaker. It was interesting to hear the mother/daughter story. Both are close and grateful for the recovery they found.

The evening speaker was Danny B. from Spring, TX. I imagine that Pam and Dave know of him. He had quite a story about being in mental institutions, prisons, gangs, and Mexican jails. He shared about turning himself in for robbing a bank as an amends. But he was set free because the police didn't believe the real criminal would turn himself in. I still can't figure out whether he really robbed the bank!

I don't think there was a dry eye in the room when he shared about making an amends to his father who was dying. I know that I was thinking about my own father and wishing that I had the opportunity to tell him how much I loved him before he died. It is one of my great regrets.

But all is okay right now. I had a great time, got to know a great bunch of alcoholics, made some new friends, and learned more lessons in my recovery.

A great weekend

All the boats in a row on this glassy calm morning

We are back from the fabulous weekend.  I am too tired to post anything coherent, but I can post a few photos. It was a lot of fun.  We had all kinds of good food and a St. Patrick's Day bonfire with green marshmallows for roasting.  Sitting around a campfire after a day on the water is just plain wonderful.

Early morning walk with Amelia. There were 5 and 10 K races on the beach. We decided to just walk!

Part of the boneyard of dead trees

Arched toward the sky

A field of flowering legume

Heading home

The sky turned dark as we were heading home.  Lightening was all around, but we managed to make it home without getting wet.  It all just added to a beautiful day.  Lots to be grateful for--friends, food, fun, fire, sleep, and boats.

I'm off to get some rest.  Hope that you had a good day.

Loving you

“The minute I heard my first love story,

I started looking for you, not knowing

how blind that was.

Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.

They're in each other all along.” ~ Rumi

This is a day for the romantics.  I'm one of those. Last night, I was in the card store,  and there were about a dozen of us looking at cards.  Some picked a card right away. Others, like me, were looking for something that resonated, something that captured a feeling.  I remember the little Valentine cards from elementary school.  I still have some of them that were saved.  They are precious reminders that someone took the time to say something nice to another.

It's a sad fact that this day is filled with unfulfilled expectations.  Nothing sends the message "You are nothing if you are not part of a couple" quite like all the commercialism surrounding Valentines Day.  Many out there will feel more alone and unloved than ever because there is no one "special" in their life.  I like to think that every day is a chance to love and be loved.  It isn't about today because much of this is just hype.  It's about changing my mind to be loving and to act on that.

No matter who you are,  you are worthy of being loved.  I realize that every moment I may not feel lovable, but I know that those are just passing feelings.  And they are a replay of the old tapes of the past.  I also don't have to go out seeking love.  I can just be who I am, offer up a smile, a wave, a nod to others. Amazing how that can chase the negative thinking away.

To reject that message of feeling unloved, I can turn it into thinking about what I can do to brighten someone else's day.   One of the things that we did together today was to exchange our cards, tell each other of our love, have a nice brunch, and go visit the FIL.  I also helped make some cookies for the meeting tonight.  The ladies like it when I bring them cookies.  And the hugs and smiles are nice to receive.  Maybe I will pick up a pack of those juvenile cards and give each of the members one of them.  I'm okay with being silly.

Today, is a really good excuse to remember the practice of letting the people in my life know that they are special to me.  It helps me to be positive and not to think about what I might be missing, but to think of who I have in my life that I love.

So on this day,  I am celebrating the love that is within me and has been there all along.  I don't need a special day to remind others that I love them.  I can do that every day. We have this habit of telling each other several times a day "I love you." One never knows what can happen.  As Joan Didion wrote: "Life changes in the instant. The ordinary instant." I don't go to bed angry anymore.  She is the love of my life.  I am grateful that we had a chance to keep loving each other.  That is the miracle of today.

Cold and windy days

This late night blogging is difficult.  I find that by the end of the day, I'm fairly non-sensical.  Contributing to my nonsense is the cold and wind that permeated everything today, including every layer that I had on.  What can I say--I am a southerner which means that temperatures in the 20's are cold to me.  With the 35 knot breeze we had last night and this morning, it was pretty miserable to be outside or on the water.

I do have some photos from the oyster roast last night.  We braved the chill and had a great time.  There were a few hardy kids from Asheville who decided to spend the night in tents.  It looked like an Occupy movement in the back yard.

Anyway, here are some of the photos from the evening. The first few are indicative of the host's sense of humor. This is a great family with a lot of warmth and creativity. I am amazed at the great things they do--going to LEAF (a music festival in NC) every year, keeping a traveling journal in which strangers are asked to write their thoughts, painting, playing in a band, and working as a carpenter.  I am attracted to this kind of a family--open minded, clever, intellectual, and talented.  The grown kids are wonderful to be around.  And for the party,  he and his kids decided to decorate the portable toilet with some art work and an eery green light.  It was called a portal in time--LOL.  And it was one of the only places to get out of the wind.  

The portalet was decorated with art work
for the party

It was declared a portal to the future

And there was a manifesto about the
portalet time machine--remember to keep
arms and legs out of the portal hole!

G., the host, getting ready to explode the Christmas tree

The flaming tree signifies the official end of Christmas 

Eating some of the savory mollusks

Trying to stay warm!

Two old friends jamming. Back in the day, we used to crank it out. 

Lots of good music being played but the fingers got cold!

I have nothing else worthwhile to share.  I had a good weekend.  And tonight, we are warm and sitting in front of a fire.  Nothing but contentment here at the moment.  

Five year celebration

The house is quiet now from all the laughter and happy dinner conversation.  My wife's home group came by for dinner before the meeting.  It was a good time.  One of the people here was a fellow I sponsor who is also in AA.  He had not been here before and so enjoyed walking through the house and checking out the property.  And another lady came who is also in one of my Al-Anon groups.  She is much loved by us and said that she feels the same way about us.

I was away for much of the day taking my mother-in-law to a doctor's appointment.   She has lost another four pounds and is down to 103 lbs.  All else was good with her.  She complains about my father-in-law and how grouchy he is.  But after 6o+ years of marriage,  I don't suppose there is much that can be done about that.  On the way home, I stopped to get barbecued chicken, hamburgers and french fries for the parents' lunch.  We cook for the parents three days a week in hope of fattening them up.  How much of it they actually eat is out of my control.  They will get some of tonight's meal which was exquisite. 

C. had been cooking for most of the day which is something that she enjoys.  She made her special white clam sauce over linguine,  a red sauce with Italian sausages and meatballs over spaghetti, insalata caprese, homemade foccacia, and macadamia brownies for dessert.  Several people said that all the birthdays need to be celebrated here.  My Al-Anon friends said that I should host a retreat right here at the house with break out groups.  I thought of Lois and Bill--LOL. 

I am so glad that we can share the laughter with these friends.  To think that five years ago,  I was filled with so much fear about whether she would really "stick" with AA.  I remember that she cried when she got home from that first meeting.  We were still so far apart emotionally at that time.  The resentments, fears, lack of trust were all so strong.  I had yet to walk into an Al-Anon meeting.  That would come on August 13.  In the meantime,  C. went to as many meetings as she could find.  But the welcome she received at that first meeting stirred something within her.  I am grateful that she got to where she is today by getting to where she needed to be then.  Thank you, AA.

Being in touch

I heard a fifth step of a fellow I sponsor today.  It is one of the joys of sponsoring to be trusted and to trust.    I sit in meetings and listen to people who are still in a lot of pain.  They don't have a sponsor and are trying to recover from the affects of someone else's drinking by going to meetings.  There are no musts in Al-Anon,  so a person doesn't have to have a sponsor to work any step. But I believe that it certainly helps.

I asked someone to sponsor me within three weeks of being in Al-Anon.  I found a person who has a sponsor and who shared his experience to guide me through the steps.  Having a sponsor has helped bring a whole new dimension to the program and to myself.  I know that I would not be where I am today without my sponsor.  I stay in touch with him just about every day.  I care how he is doing, and our relationship is important. We are friends.

Mary Christine had a wonderful post today on sponsoring. She writes: "In my relationship with my sponsor, we talk as old friends. There are times when I ask her for help or her opinion. Other times, she has asked me for mine. She has been my sponsor since I was sober 10 years, so it is now 17 years. She is now aging - as if I'm not! She is not quite the person she used to be. But she is my beloved sponsor, and always will be.......And then there are others... the relationship never moves beyond the take and take. Or the give and give."

I spend a lot of time with those I sponsor.  I make myself available.  It is all part of the commitment.  I have to say that I don't hear from many that I sponsor unless there is something wrong.  I give them a call and occasionally get together for lunch.  But sometimes I simply wish that they would call me and ask how I am doing.  None of us is without moments of fear and doubt and loneliness. So I guess what I am saying here is to realize that each of us likes to hear a caring voice.  Stay in touch with those who have touched you. Recovery is about reciprocating and giving back what has so freely been given to you.

Sweet honey

Last night as I was sleeping,
I dreamt—marvelous error!—
that I had a beehive
here inside my heart.
And the golden bees
were making white combs
and sweet honey
from my old failures.
from "Last Night as I was Sleeping" by Antonio Machado

I am struggling a bit at the moment.  It will pass.  

One of my old dogs is in hospital with renal problems. I know that his time may not be long. 

An old friendship is being tested at the moment.  I am hoping for resusitation and not death.

I feel as if much around me is lying fallow, yet the leaves and the garden tell me otherwise.

I am contemplating my old failures and doing my best to turn them into something sweet.

I wish some days that  I had more to say, but I believe this is enough today. 

On the beach

I couldn't resist the photo of the old dog and me in front of the washed up TV. I actually don't watch much TV, only the occasional news program. I cannot tell you when I watched a TV series episode that wasn't about history or the weather. I do like movies though.

Last night I watched a movie about the friendship of two young boys in Nazi Germany. One was lonely and the son of a concentration camp commandant. The other was the son of a Jewish watchmaker. They were drawn together by their need for friendship. Two lonely children who found a bond in spite of their differences. That bond was stronger than the fence between them.

I find that one of the most precious things to me is true friendship. I have not been a good friend who keeps up with everyone. I have let people slip away in the past.

These days I have a few good friends in recovery who I can count on and who can count on me. Yet, I still have this urge to be solitary. I know that I have a tendency to isolate which isn't a good thing. I know that one of the ways to have friends is to be one. That is something that I am mindful of now more than ever. And I work to nurture the friendships that I have.