The Shadow

Yesterday was one of those days that I would like to not have. I went to bed on Sunday evening watching news about Hurricane Odile on a collision path with Cabo San Lucas.  Now I have only been there one time, but the place was amazing. I thought about the open air restaurants, the simple houses where the residents live, the beggar lady Maria I met at the marina, the marina with all the boats, the horses at the ranch where I rode through the desert, the economy that depends almost totally on tourism.

So I awoke yesterday in the wee hours to see Cabo decimated by a Cat 3 hurricane.  I saw the beautiful airport in shambles, the barrios destroyed, the fancy resorts blown out and the marina trashed.  I heard some people being interviewed saying that everything will be cleaned up in two weeks. How is that possible when it is likely that power won't be back on for at least that long? Anyway,  seeing the damage in photos was bad but living through a Cat 3 gives a whole other definition to hell.

After looking as long as I could at the damage in Cabo, I checked email to learn that a long-time friend died in her sleep early Monday morning. She had just been at an event on Saturday with one of her beloved dogs.  Her last post to everyone on Sunday night was about how happy she was that her dog did well. I'm glad that she had a good two days and died happy.  She was a quiet, unassuming person who loved animals and her family.  She also suffered from rheumatoid arthritis which took her away from riding and competing with her dogs. But she still managed to get around with a cane.

I am not stunned anymore by people dying.  I am sad but realize that more and more of my friends are going to die as time passes.  Over the past year, death has simply been a factor in my life.  It is there like a shadow sometimes, especially on days like yesterday.

I prefer to not have the shadow near me and opt for bright sparkling water, ocean breezes and light days.  I keep the shadow away by traveling to the edge of the marsh.  The grass is going to seed, swaying in the breeze, changing color with the season.  It's an unsettled time of year with thunderstorms threatening in the distance, large cumulonimbus clouds building, and the light changing and moving like the leaves up in the trees.  At these moments, I am so glad to be alive, fully and with such a feeling of love deep inside my soul.

That's what I am feeling at this moment.  Love and peace to you all.

Healing the soul

I am out on the boat today. It is a beautiful day. I am grateful to be here--to walk on the beach, swim, enjoy the sunrise and ocean breeze.

I talked to J. about her mother. She is wondering what she could have done to prevent the suicide. I am sorry that she is feeling so responsible for something that was beyond her control. I had a lot of "what if" thoughts after my father died suddenly. A suicide is different though. The long term effects of such a devastating tragedy are hard to know.

I appreciate your comments and thoughts. I have not lived through such a tragedy. My frame of reference is limited. We will do what we can to help her out.

And even I wonder whether a person who is in so much pain would not benefit from a day like today on the water. Nature is healing. I discovered a few years ago that there are places to go that can help heal whatever wounds have occurred. My spirit is content, my being peaceful.

Six years for C.

The rain yesterday was peaceful.  I stayed home for the entire day.  We cooked some delicious salmon for lunch, made a blueberry dessert for C.'s meeting tonight, read, worked on paperwork for her parents and the financials with that, and took a nap.  When my wife left for her doctor's appointment,  I decided to head to the gym for an hour of lifting weights and treadmill work.

I had to force myself to leave the cocoon of the house.  We have lived in several homes over the years but nothing like this one that we had custom built.  There's something special about each house where we lived because we had experiences, good and bad, in each.  I can remember every room and all the things that we did to make each one attractive and "home".

But this house that we put our own hand in building is special.  We painted every room, varnished all the doors, put up sheet rock and insulation, helped install the wood floors that are throughout the house,  cleared the debris from building, and  designed and planted the gardens.  And I believe that what makes the house most special are the quiet surroundings of the woods and fields.

Out of every window I see green--trees, gardens, ferns, bushes and lawn.    This is a subtropical climate so lush vegetation is common.  And the animals seem to find a particular haven here.  There are deer that sleep near the top of the drive, wild turkeys that cross the dirt drive, the "raccoon tree" where babies crawl up and down and out on limbs,  and the birds that come to the multitude of feeders set up on a maple tree in the back yard.

And this is the house where we finally came to a decision about our lives together.  It was either going to be a life where C. got sober or where we parted ways.  Her drinking had escalated over the years to the point where she was drunk most every evening.  She wasn't sloppy drunk every night. That was reserved for special occasions when we would go to a social event, or people would come here.  But evenings she would sip wine, saying that she needed to unwind or relax.  I believed her for a while but realized that she was drinking more and more.

I remember her telling me that I should keep the house and she would move out.  And I said that I wanted to go because there were too many memories here.  Thankfully, it didn't come to either of us leaving.  She went to her first AA meeting six years ago this week.  Today she will celebrate that at her home group meeting.  I am glad for her.  Glad that she found a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other and who are sober and productive people.

I'm glad that she got sober in AA and in this house.  No treatment centers, no detox but in a house that we built together and with a meeting in the basement of an old country church.  I am grateful for so much.

Rain and then sun

It rained most of the night. I put the screens in the companionway entrance to keep the mosquitoes out. The salt marsh mosquitoes here are voracious. I had a dreamless sleep, awakening to the rain pelting on the hatches of the boat.

This morning, I sat on deck to have coffee and watch the rain come down. It is peaceful and quiet at this marina--no loud music, no parties , no drunks wandering the docks. Nothing like what must be going on back at home where more than 300 boats have come in for Race Week.

When the rain stopped and the skies cleared, I walked a little over a mile to where the roundup will be. The walk along the bike bath was scenic as it wound through maritime forest. Oak trees, palmettos, cedars and myrtle bushes lined the path. In one area, there were about twenty bird houses hanging from trees and a face made of shells and plant materials was on another tree. Island eclectic that is so neat.

I registered at the meeting place, picked up my packet, and signed the two Big Books that will be given away to the person with the most time sober and the person with the least. The sobriety countdown never ceases to bring tears to my eyes.

Tonight is the first speaker followed by a late night mini-meeting. I am looking forward to attending everything through Saturday evening. This is my favorite recovery conference because it is so low-key. But it has good circuit speakers, friendly attendees, a nice cookout, and is close enough for me to walk from the boat to the meeting.

I hope that you are having a good day. Mine has been fine in the truest sense of the word.

Rain, Pesto, Caterpillars, and Parents

Finally, some cooler temperatures have come to this part of the coast.  There was a front that came through bringing rain and dropped the temperature by 10 degrees.  The garden is about on its last legs.  There are still a few tomatoes, peppers, and egg plants left.  But the other beds have been prepared for fall.  Now, I am waiting on the plants to come in so that I can get them in the ground.

We made some pesto from the basil in the garden.  It was wonderful.  Here is the recipe:

Put hand fulls of basil leaves in a food processor,  add garlic cloves and olive oil and pine nuts.  I don't know the exact amount but put about five cloves, 2 cups of olive oil,  and a cup of toasted pine nuts in the processor.  Then I add in a cup and a half of parsley and about 2 cups of fresh grated Parmesan.  I don't add any salt, but if added it will bring out the taste of the basil.  All of this is then pulsed in a food processor.  Serve it over whatever pasta you like.  Orzo is one of my favorites and makes a nice pesto dish with fresh tomatoes added and shrimp, if you like.  

Interestingly enough, the parsley was mostly eaten by the caterpillar of the black swallowtail butterfly.  I grew enough for the hungry caterpillars who can easily strip a plant in about two days.  But they are so beautiful, and the butterfly that eventually results from the metamorphosis of the caterpillar is also wonderful so I leave them alone as they eat. 

We are preparing for a weekend excursion on the boat.  Some of our friends are going to meet us at the mouth of one of the rivers down south.  It is a longer run for us, but the location seems to have good water depth for anchoring and a sandy beach nearby for walking and exploring.  We will have a picnic lunch on Saturday along with swimming and floating on rafts. 

All is well with the parents-in-law who have decided to hire live in help.  This is a couple who will cook and clean as well as maintain their yard, do the shopping and other errands as well as take them for doctor appointments.  We were both surprised at their decision to do this.  But I think that it is a good one because it will hopefully allow them to stay in their house which is what they want to do.  And it greatly reduces the time we spend cooking, cleaning and doing other errands for them.

The couple are currently in Lebanon where they have managed a large estate and will be coming back to the US in October.  I am hoping that it will work out for all concerned.  I just wonder how the couple will react to my father-in-law's political views which are pretty far to the right.  That will be for them to sort out.  I simply don't stay around when he starts his political rants and running commentary on the news.  "I have to go wash the cat/dog" is one of my favorite lines when the ranting reaches high decibel levels.

Well,  time to go read a bit before sleep comes on.  We both have our piles of books on either side of the bed.  I am mostly through Keith Richard's book Life.  I think that it is interesting but find that he  romanticizes the drug use a bit.  He is definitely not afraid to write what it was like, what happened, and what he is like now. 

Good bye until tomorrow. 

Fireflies and reading

I saw the first fireflies last night.  They were flashing their lights in the back yard.  I am glad that where I live hasn't been sprayed with pesticides and that these insects can enchant me as they did when I was a kid.  I would catch a few and put them in a jar to keep beside my bed at night and then let them go the next morning. 

I realize now that I was holding up the course of nature.  Those fireflies in my jar were actually flashing to communicate with potential mates. They were magical to me and seeing them last night took me back to that time of summer when I would stay out doors until way past dark, hating to finally be called inside.  I wonder if sprayed pesticides have taken their toll on the little lightening bug in my home town. Back then, there were no spray trucks that came by in the night, hissing out their poison.  And thankfully,  where I live now, there are no spray trucks either.  We live with the mosquitoes, the gnats, and the fireflies. 

I was too tired last night to post.  It was a busy day of putting new lines on the boat.  I whipped the ends which gives a really finished look to the line.  I will have to review how to do eye splices with double strand line as it is not the easiest thing in the world to do.  I ordered a book on splicing which will help as I practice on some discards. 

I am gathering up quite a few good books to keep on the boat.  Reading is something that most of us take for granted.  Yet, there are still those people who have great difficulty with reading.  A new fellow who came to a meeting the other night was so embarrassed by his inability to read that he cried.  It was so touching.  He said that he had worked all his life with his hands and never really learned to read well.  I thought that it took a lot of courage to share as he did. 

Because this was a step meeting, there was a fair amount of reading to do.  So I helped him through a few paragraphs.  He actually did well, only stumbling on a few words.  He said that he had been to one Al-Anon group where he felt looked down on.  I know that some groups are healthier than others, yet it still bothers me to hear that someone doesn't feel comfortable in a meeting.  I hope that he will come back.  He needs the program as he is struggling with active alcoholism in a relative.  Perhaps he will see that our meeting is a safe place where no one is judged.

“We can do no great things, only small things with great love.” - Mother Teresa