I have heard a lot of people complain about living with an alcoholic. New comers come into a meeting, and most of what is shared is how terrible their life is because they live with a drunk. And they are right. Living with a drunk is pretty terrible. In fact, it is sometimes like being in a living Hell depending on how abusive the drunk is.
If those who come into a meeting are lucky enough to hear something that is akin to peace in the midst of turmoil, they might stick around for more than a few meetings. The problem all too often is that the ears are closed and the mouth is open. Listening is not something most of us do when we find an ear of another who is living with an alcoholic. We want to tell war stories, talk about how awful we have had it, and generally unload all of our anguish and anger on others. And when no one tells us how to fix the alcoholic, we leave to head back to the salt mines.
I know how hard it is to listen when a person is in so much emotional anguish. And blaming the alcoholic is really easy and convenient. After all, aren't they really the cause of our unhappiness? Would not life be better if they did what we wanted? We who are long suffering would then be truly free and happy in our own skin, right?
I don't know about you, but I don't know that I really ever felt comfortable in my own skin. I am much more used to who I am now. I still struggle though with awareness and acceptance of myself. And because I am in a program of recovery that teaches me to take my own inventory and clean up my side of the street, I have gotten better. I no longer beat myself up for my short comings on a daily basis or get mired in the self pity that would last for weeks, months, years.
I read blogs in which people struggle deeply with the alcoholics/addicts in their life. They believe that the alcoholic is to blame for their unhappiness. I thought the same thing, until one day I realized that I was actually at fault also. I was expecting everyone else in my life to do as I wanted because I had the answers for them. I believed that I knew what was best for my wife. "If only, she would stop drinking. If only she would love me like I love her. If only.......". Ad nauseum.
It took me quite a while to realize that my ticket to happiness was not about her. I stubbornly refused to embrace the idea that I was contributing to unhappiness in my life. I thought that I was blameless until I finally got to a place where I could not longer deny my culpability in our failing relationship.
I know that people have to reach a point where the tipping point occurs. It is that point where you finally are so broken, sad, demoralized, and unhappy that you realize you are the one that needs help. And that's when the alcoholic ceases to be the center of your world. That's when you finally surrender and start working on your own life.
Plenty of people, like me, go for decades refusing to admit that they are the ones needing help. I wasn't ready to stop trying to control and change another. No way was I going to stop beating my head against a wall, even though it hurt like Hell. So if you are still out there trying to change the alcoholic and are focusing all of your energy on him/her, then keep on doing it. Eventually, one day if you are lucky you will finally realize that it isn't going to work. Until then, you can keep recanting the same old stuff over and over about how awful life is with an alcoholic. And have the pity parties with other people who are in the same sinking boat.
Keep on with that and see how things end up for you after a few decades. One thing that I am glad for is that I did surrender, and I did finally get into a program of recovery. And so did my wife. That is the miracle of the whole thing. And what has happened for us is an incredible change in how we treat each other. It took us a while to understand that changes don't happen overnight. But with almost a decade in recovery, we know that each day is a gift.
I know that there are other ways to find peace and happiness in your life. Use every tool at your disposal. I didn't happen to find what worked until I got into the rooms of Al-Anon. I do a lot of service work and am willing to help those who want to work the steps or share their solution. But if you decide that you have a load of caveats to recovery, then I suggest that perhaps you aren't willing enough yet. I am working on myself every day. And I am willing to help you along this journey of self-discovery too. I have found happiness living with an alcoholic. And I believe that the happiness is a daily reprieve from the sadness and anxiety that we experienced before we began our journey of recovery.
Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Sunday, October 25, 2015
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
What makes a lasting relationship
I was catching up on some magazines and ran across this article in the Atlantic Monthly. Basically, the article sums up what makes a happy lasting relationship and what causes contribute to other relationships falling apart.
"Much of it comes down to the spirit couples bring to the relationship. Do they bring kindness and generosity; or contempt, criticism, and hostility?"
A study done in the 1980's followed young couples, observing their interactions and their physiology. The investigators did a follow up six years later to see if the couples were still together. They found that contempt is the main factor that tears couples apart. Those who criticized or ignored their partner and injected negativity into interactions had failed or unhappy relationships. The partner who was criticized and ignored felt worthless and invisible as if they were not present or valued at all.
Kindness, on the other hand, was what kept couples together. Kindness made each partner feel cared for, understood, and validated--and loved.
I honestly don't know how we have stayed together all these years given the conflict that I used to feel. I know that there was kindness and love as well. But I also had a lot of distrust for the alcoholic promises where she would say "I love you" but her actions would be the opposite. And I would do the same--keeping her at arms length because I didn't trust her promises not to drink. The words said one thing but the actions were the opposite. Those were confusing and hurtful times for both of us.
I have shared here and at meetings that living with an alcoholic is lonely. It is very lonely because the other person is emotionally unavailable. And for those of us who love an alcoholic, we keep trying over and over to make the person available. And I did that for years until I gave up and was ready to walk away.
Some kind of miraculous epiphany happened since those desperate times. I knew that I didn't want my marriage to end, but I also knew that I had to change. I had to stop spending all my energy on wanting my wife to change. So I focused on what I wanted with my life. I looked beyond my work for peace of mind. I bought a boat, did gardening, became active in Al-Anon, and gradually took care of myself emotionally.
It took a while for the contempt to go away. I believe that when I did my fourth, fifth and sixth steps, I began to focus on what I was doing--what my part was in how the marriage was going. I didn't like who I had become. So as I became aware, I was able to see that without kindness and compassion, I was going to remain unhappy. I would think of my wife as a little girl who had a difficult childhood being sent off to private schools because her parents were fighting and angry. She grew up with no buffers from the turmoil, just as I did. From visualizing her as a little sad girl, I was filled with love and compassion for her.
What we have now is respect for each other. We appreciate each other. We can be genuine with each other. We support each other emotionally. We share responsibilities. We trust each other. And we want to spend time together.
We are still working on playing together, instead of being so task oriented. Our communication is much better. And we continue to grow in love.
"Much of it comes down to the spirit couples bring to the relationship. Do they bring kindness and generosity; or contempt, criticism, and hostility?"
A study done in the 1980's followed young couples, observing their interactions and their physiology. The investigators did a follow up six years later to see if the couples were still together. They found that contempt is the main factor that tears couples apart. Those who criticized or ignored their partner and injected negativity into interactions had failed or unhappy relationships. The partner who was criticized and ignored felt worthless and invisible as if they were not present or valued at all.
Kindness, on the other hand, was what kept couples together. Kindness made each partner feel cared for, understood, and validated--and loved.
I honestly don't know how we have stayed together all these years given the conflict that I used to feel. I know that there was kindness and love as well. But I also had a lot of distrust for the alcoholic promises where she would say "I love you" but her actions would be the opposite. And I would do the same--keeping her at arms length because I didn't trust her promises not to drink. The words said one thing but the actions were the opposite. Those were confusing and hurtful times for both of us.
I have shared here and at meetings that living with an alcoholic is lonely. It is very lonely because the other person is emotionally unavailable. And for those of us who love an alcoholic, we keep trying over and over to make the person available. And I did that for years until I gave up and was ready to walk away.
Some kind of miraculous epiphany happened since those desperate times. I knew that I didn't want my marriage to end, but I also knew that I had to change. I had to stop spending all my energy on wanting my wife to change. So I focused on what I wanted with my life. I looked beyond my work for peace of mind. I bought a boat, did gardening, became active in Al-Anon, and gradually took care of myself emotionally.
It took a while for the contempt to go away. I believe that when I did my fourth, fifth and sixth steps, I began to focus on what I was doing--what my part was in how the marriage was going. I didn't like who I had become. So as I became aware, I was able to see that without kindness and compassion, I was going to remain unhappy. I would think of my wife as a little girl who had a difficult childhood being sent off to private schools because her parents were fighting and angry. She grew up with no buffers from the turmoil, just as I did. From visualizing her as a little sad girl, I was filled with love and compassion for her.
What we have now is respect for each other. We appreciate each other. We can be genuine with each other. We support each other emotionally. We share responsibilities. We trust each other. And we want to spend time together.
We are still working on playing together, instead of being so task oriented. Our communication is much better. And we continue to grow in love.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Lots of years
I am grateful for every day that we have together, as partners in this life and best friends. We have worked together, fished together, birthed animals together, sailed together, cried together, and laughed together.
All these years were part of a growing process in our relationship. We didn't know how to be a couple at first because neither of us understood how to have a relationship. We weathered a lot of storms over these years. The love that we have did not lessen over time but has grown. Hoping for many more years together, C.
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Not my zoo, not my monkey
I've heard the expression "not my zoo, not my monkey" a lot lately. It reminds me of my desire to mind my own business and not get caught up in a lot of drama that wreaks my peace of mind (=serenity).
I have spent a lot of time wreaking my peace of mind by being involved in situations that were not only dramatic but harmful and unhealthy. I do my best to avoid people that create a lot of drama, beckoning me to be part of their "zoo".
Things go well for me when I am around healthy, intelligent, mindful and compassionate people. Some of these are working a program of recovery and some are simply enlightened enough about themselves to be in harmony with those around them. I learn a lot from people who are loving, vulnerable, humble and authentic. I seem to be at peace when I am with them.
But social interactions aren't always idyllic. Plenty of people out in the world are restless, irritable and discontent with who they are and emit a negative vibe that can ensnare me in the zoo. Like the saying, "monkey see, monkey do", if I am around "unhealthy" people enough, then I begin to take on their attributes.
Take, for example, a discussion with my wife who is my touchstone in so many ways. We both have found a healthy way to express our feelings. We have learned to navigate in a relationship that was unhealthy to where we respond to each other with love, empathy and understanding. Consequently, our love has grown. We talk about how we feel when there is a misunderstanding, rather than trying to justify, argue, be defensive or make excuses.
Have you been around someone who goes on the attack when a problem comes up? I have a friend who is a dry drunk but sober for 24 years. He is definitely restless, irritable and discontent with much in his life. After a few years of unemployment, he now has a good job. Yet he complains about having to be "on call" when it doesn't suit his agenda. Nothing seems to be his fault; rather, everyone else is messed up or is making mistakes. If I am around him for any length of time, I begin to feel impatient and irritable too.
So instead of getting sucked into being captured in a cage in the zoo, I detach and get away from people when they are in a hurtful, blaming, angry and vindictive state of mind. While it is important to me to work on myself and my behaviors, to see my past and present, one of the things I have learned is it is impossible for me get mentally and emotionally healthy while I am involved in unhealthy relationships. If I stay too long, then all of my worst shortcomings emerge. Generally, there isn't just one sick person in a relationship: there are two.
My choices are important because if I find myself in the same situation again and again, then it's my doing that put me in the zoo. I am a "stick it out" kind of person, loyal to a fault. But what that has meant is that I have done the same dance with different people over and over.
I do see my reactions to others have changed in recent years. I don't focus so much on what needs to be changed in them, but about what I need to change and what my motives are for being in a relationship with difficult and unhealthy people. I don't have a magical solution. But I trust my gut feelings. I observe my dynamics with others, inventory my feelings, detach rather try to change people. I ask myself if what I am doing and who I am with is what I want in my life. Do the people bring me peace? Do I feel loved? Can I trust the person? These are hard questions but necessary for me if I am going to feel uncaged. And that, my friends, is what I place as being most important in life these days.
I have spent a lot of time wreaking my peace of mind by being involved in situations that were not only dramatic but harmful and unhealthy. I do my best to avoid people that create a lot of drama, beckoning me to be part of their "zoo".
Things go well for me when I am around healthy, intelligent, mindful and compassionate people. Some of these are working a program of recovery and some are simply enlightened enough about themselves to be in harmony with those around them. I learn a lot from people who are loving, vulnerable, humble and authentic. I seem to be at peace when I am with them.
But social interactions aren't always idyllic. Plenty of people out in the world are restless, irritable and discontent with who they are and emit a negative vibe that can ensnare me in the zoo. Like the saying, "monkey see, monkey do", if I am around "unhealthy" people enough, then I begin to take on their attributes.
Take, for example, a discussion with my wife who is my touchstone in so many ways. We both have found a healthy way to express our feelings. We have learned to navigate in a relationship that was unhealthy to where we respond to each other with love, empathy and understanding. Consequently, our love has grown. We talk about how we feel when there is a misunderstanding, rather than trying to justify, argue, be defensive or make excuses.
Have you been around someone who goes on the attack when a problem comes up? I have a friend who is a dry drunk but sober for 24 years. He is definitely restless, irritable and discontent with much in his life. After a few years of unemployment, he now has a good job. Yet he complains about having to be "on call" when it doesn't suit his agenda. Nothing seems to be his fault; rather, everyone else is messed up or is making mistakes. If I am around him for any length of time, I begin to feel impatient and irritable too.
So instead of getting sucked into being captured in a cage in the zoo, I detach and get away from people when they are in a hurtful, blaming, angry and vindictive state of mind. While it is important to me to work on myself and my behaviors, to see my past and present, one of the things I have learned is it is impossible for me get mentally and emotionally healthy while I am involved in unhealthy relationships. If I stay too long, then all of my worst shortcomings emerge. Generally, there isn't just one sick person in a relationship: there are two.
My choices are important because if I find myself in the same situation again and again, then it's my doing that put me in the zoo. I am a "stick it out" kind of person, loyal to a fault. But what that has meant is that I have done the same dance with different people over and over.
I do see my reactions to others have changed in recent years. I don't focus so much on what needs to be changed in them, but about what I need to change and what my motives are for being in a relationship with difficult and unhealthy people. I don't have a magical solution. But I trust my gut feelings. I observe my dynamics with others, inventory my feelings, detach rather try to change people. I ask myself if what I am doing and who I am with is what I want in my life. Do the people bring me peace? Do I feel loved? Can I trust the person? These are hard questions but necessary for me if I am going to feel uncaged. And that, my friends, is what I place as being most important in life these days.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
A Raw Meeting
This afternoon was the men's meeting. I have missed a few of these get togethers in the summer because of being out of town or being on the boat. But today I made the meeting, and it was a good one. Actually, it was more like a gut wrenching kind of meeting for me.
We were reading and talking about relationships in which one person has invested energy, time and focus on another person to the exclusion of a lot of other aspects of life. That was me. I gave up so much to live in a relationship with an alcoholic. I couldn't go to a social function and enjoy myself. I was on edge because of worry that she would make an ass of herself. I stayed home most weekends to do work around the house and to keep an eye on my wife. And this went on for decades.
Finally, I had an epiphany that I was dying inside. It occurred after a birthday party at a friend's house. My wife got drunk and wanted to drive home. I told her that I didn't want her to drive. She grabbed the keys out of her purse and drove off, leaving me behind. I was too embarrassed to go inside and tell people what happened. So I walked home. I believe that this was the moment I realized I couldn't continue in this relationship. Something needed to change. I needed to start living again.
That low point was the impetus that brought me to Al-Anon. Since then, I have learned to redirect my focus to do those things that I enjoy. I have bought two sailboats since then. I take regular trips, sometimes by myself. I don't give up things that I want to do because my wife doesn't want to participate. I love her a lot, but I realize that I have life to live too. Other people talk about their children and family members. I don't have any. All the family is dead now. So it is important that I keep a momentum going to do activities that bring me joy and peace of mind.
Tonight, I went to see the Rolling Stone movie "Sweet Summer Sun". It was awesome and definitely a mood elevator. My wife was at her AA home group meeting. It felt good, after having an honest and somewhat heart-wrenching meeting this afternoon, to go see a happy movie and watch a bunch of guys who I grew up listening to, jump about and have a great time (Mrs. Moon--you have got to see this movie. Keith was up close, personal, and incredibly loud!).
I realize that at times I feel lonely. But I know that I am loved and feel a great deal of love, even though there are moments when the "isms" of alcoholism still hurt us both. As I said today, I don't think that there is a better human being than my wife. I trust her and know that she loves me. And I have found a way to live life more in balance with myself than ever before. I have learned that resentment kills love. I have made amends for my part. And I make no apologies for living a life with the focus on what I want to do.
We were reading and talking about relationships in which one person has invested energy, time and focus on another person to the exclusion of a lot of other aspects of life. That was me. I gave up so much to live in a relationship with an alcoholic. I couldn't go to a social function and enjoy myself. I was on edge because of worry that she would make an ass of herself. I stayed home most weekends to do work around the house and to keep an eye on my wife. And this went on for decades.
Finally, I had an epiphany that I was dying inside. It occurred after a birthday party at a friend's house. My wife got drunk and wanted to drive home. I told her that I didn't want her to drive. She grabbed the keys out of her purse and drove off, leaving me behind. I was too embarrassed to go inside and tell people what happened. So I walked home. I believe that this was the moment I realized I couldn't continue in this relationship. Something needed to change. I needed to start living again.
That low point was the impetus that brought me to Al-Anon. Since then, I have learned to redirect my focus to do those things that I enjoy. I have bought two sailboats since then. I take regular trips, sometimes by myself. I don't give up things that I want to do because my wife doesn't want to participate. I love her a lot, but I realize that I have life to live too. Other people talk about their children and family members. I don't have any. All the family is dead now. So it is important that I keep a momentum going to do activities that bring me joy and peace of mind.
Tonight, I went to see the Rolling Stone movie "Sweet Summer Sun". It was awesome and definitely a mood elevator. My wife was at her AA home group meeting. It felt good, after having an honest and somewhat heart-wrenching meeting this afternoon, to go see a happy movie and watch a bunch of guys who I grew up listening to, jump about and have a great time (Mrs. Moon--you have got to see this movie. Keith was up close, personal, and incredibly loud!).
I realize that at times I feel lonely. But I know that I am loved and feel a great deal of love, even though there are moments when the "isms" of alcoholism still hurt us both. As I said today, I don't think that there is a better human being than my wife. I trust her and know that she loves me. And I have found a way to live life more in balance with myself than ever before. I have learned that resentment kills love. I have made amends for my part. And I make no apologies for living a life with the focus on what I want to do.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Hello Syd
Here is an email I received from a lady who is married to a recovering alcoholic. She gave me permission to share this:
I've recently found your blog while searching for any answer, message, etc to get me to a somewhat peaceful space. I'm grateful to read your good words....I suddenly felt a glimpse of hope & comfort I haven't felt in a very long time.
I've been married to an alcoholic over 20 years. He quit drinking soon after we were married. He works what seems to be a good program, has worked the steps and now has a few sponsees he takes through the steps. We have great kids, have had good success in business (as well as major setbacks), live in a nice suburb and are very involved in our community. The outside is a pretty peachy picture...one that I've always wanted. So why am I so unhappy?
I was instantly drawn to my husband when we met. He was handsome, charming, successful, strong, witty & confident. He was also very social & liked to drink. When we first started dating it seemed ok, even fun, since I also enjoyed one or two on a night out. As we spent more time together I began to notice his drinking was more like a first year frat boy. I confided this to my best friend "He's great! My only concern is that he drinks more than I'm used to" her response, "I don't think you have anything to worry about. He's mainly a social drinker, which is normal. He never gets out of hand". Ok, so it's normal. Nothing to worry about. I can accept that. After all, everything else about him seemed so amazing!
A few minor things would come up that made me feel uncomfortable. He was very controlling, almost paranoid, about wanting to keep our relationship secret. He yelled at me once for parking my car in front of his house and made me move it to the back - out of site. I didn't like that, so I left. He called and apologized so I saw him the next day. Another time his dog got out the front door. I dashed out to try & get the dog and was yelled at to get back in the house and shut the door. He was angry. "What if someone sees you?!!" Ok, so what if someone sees me? We worked together, so his reason is that he felt he would be fired if management knew we were seeing each other since he was my supervisor (they had no such policy). The underlying message: If he were fired, it would be all my fault. That's the first time "I" took on the responsibility of "his" wellbeing. I took it willingly.....I was in love with this man.
As our relationship progressed I became increasingly unhappy. I started looking for a magic answer to fix things. Not only "what could I do to make/keep him happy" but "what could I do to prevent his anger". Each life change during our relationship gave me hope. Moving out of state, getting engaged, moving back, getting married.....none of these seemed to "do it". I mercilessly blamed myself. If only I were stronger, more patient, more educated, outgoing, etc. etc. Only once a thought crossed my mind that alcohol might be the problem. This was dismissed by well meaning friends. After many nights lying in alone bed while he was passed out on the couch, I was paralyzed with the thought of having to walk away. We were newlyweds. It wasn't supposed to be like this.
One time he had to travel out of town for business. He planned to stay with nearby family members, who happen to be sober and in AA. He opened a bottle of wine the night before his flight and joked, "Guess I'll be dry for a week. They gave me one condition. No drinking during my stay". Three days into the trip, I get a phone call. His family & friends invited him to their home group meeting. He made a choice to get sober. Wow! I listened to his words. I think that was the first sincere conversation we've had. He was scared. I was happy and also scared (or scared to be happy?)
I immediately set out to learn as much as I could about alcoholism, AA, & the steps. If he was starting this journey I wanted to be right there with him to help - as his loving, supportive, nurturing wife. I started having hope again.
Once home, he tried a few meetings & I even went with him to some open meetings. He listened to the speakers. He quickly learned the lingo & slogans. A friend gave him a Big Book. His brother (who had always been cold & distant to us) was so proud and welcomed him back into his life. Being accepted by his brother was huge. He set out to be the perfect student of the program. Hope soon turned to confusion. Things weren't magical like I wished. Anger, frustration, & depression was magnified. I was advised to be patient (haha, patience is my middle name!) I can do that.
Fast forward to today. I'm coming up on a milestone birthday. Our children will be on their own soon. I've had joy in these years. But the pain, suffering and confusion hasn't gotten any better since the beginning. I don't know who I am or what I like anymore. I feel guilty for feeling this way. My husband has managed to stay sober all these years by being involved in AA, but I feel only his sponsees and program friends get to see the best of him. Maybe because as long as I take his blame, he will continue to give it to me. When I want to talk about these feelings he says I'm blaming him for my problems. Then he presents his list: He's stayed sober, works his program, completed anger management, gone to counseling, works hard & is successful at his job. He's done all of these things so I shouldn't complain. My head spins. I beat myself up for my messed up feelings. I feel he is right. They're my issues and I need to figure it out on my own. I cry alone often. I daydream of what life would be like on my own, then cry again for the loss of my marriage, damage to my kids, and the picture that I have of us happily growing old together. Now we walk around the same house and don't talk about feelings. I'm full of sadness & resentments.
Too many years of this. I think I'm finally tired. I don't know what my future will look like. For the first time I realize there is nothing I can do about him (or anyone else). I need to take care of me. I called a trusted friend who is working the steps in Al Anon and he suggested a women's meeting I might start with. I'm going tonight. I'm scared but sensing a glimpse of peace.
Didn't set out to be so long winded...this is the first time I've shared this in detail. Reading your blog has given me clarity. Thanks for listening.
__________________________________________
I understand your story. I've lived it also. And you have hit upon the thing that will help--focusing on what brings you joy and taking care of yourself. Living with an alcoholic, no matter what stage of recovery, can be a challenge. That's why I know that Al-Anon is a life long program for me. I simply need it and can tell when I have been away from a meeting for too long.
I hope that you will continue to work on your recovery from the effects of alcoholism. It can be lonely living with an alcoholic. I realize that most of my life, I focused on the alcoholics and not on myself. Now I am no longer doing that. It takes a while for the message to get through to those we love that they are no longer going to be the center of the universe. In my marriage, this has helped us to become closer because I am not having the constant expectations that bred resentment. We talk and share things but can be content with just quietly being together. I am not looking for her to provide me happiness. That is too much to expect from anyone.
Best wishes to you on going to a meeting and working on your own life.
I've recently found your blog while searching for any answer, message, etc to get me to a somewhat peaceful space. I'm grateful to read your good words....I suddenly felt a glimpse of hope & comfort I haven't felt in a very long time.
I've been married to an alcoholic over 20 years. He quit drinking soon after we were married. He works what seems to be a good program, has worked the steps and now has a few sponsees he takes through the steps. We have great kids, have had good success in business (as well as major setbacks), live in a nice suburb and are very involved in our community. The outside is a pretty peachy picture...one that I've always wanted. So why am I so unhappy?
I was instantly drawn to my husband when we met. He was handsome, charming, successful, strong, witty & confident. He was also very social & liked to drink. When we first started dating it seemed ok, even fun, since I also enjoyed one or two on a night out. As we spent more time together I began to notice his drinking was more like a first year frat boy. I confided this to my best friend "He's great! My only concern is that he drinks more than I'm used to" her response, "I don't think you have anything to worry about. He's mainly a social drinker, which is normal. He never gets out of hand". Ok, so it's normal. Nothing to worry about. I can accept that. After all, everything else about him seemed so amazing!
A few minor things would come up that made me feel uncomfortable. He was very controlling, almost paranoid, about wanting to keep our relationship secret. He yelled at me once for parking my car in front of his house and made me move it to the back - out of site. I didn't like that, so I left. He called and apologized so I saw him the next day. Another time his dog got out the front door. I dashed out to try & get the dog and was yelled at to get back in the house and shut the door. He was angry. "What if someone sees you?!!" Ok, so what if someone sees me? We worked together, so his reason is that he felt he would be fired if management knew we were seeing each other since he was my supervisor (they had no such policy). The underlying message: If he were fired, it would be all my fault. That's the first time "I" took on the responsibility of "his" wellbeing. I took it willingly.....I was in love with this man.
As our relationship progressed I became increasingly unhappy. I started looking for a magic answer to fix things. Not only "what could I do to make/keep him happy" but "what could I do to prevent his anger". Each life change during our relationship gave me hope. Moving out of state, getting engaged, moving back, getting married.....none of these seemed to "do it". I mercilessly blamed myself. If only I were stronger, more patient, more educated, outgoing, etc. etc. Only once a thought crossed my mind that alcohol might be the problem. This was dismissed by well meaning friends. After many nights lying in alone bed while he was passed out on the couch, I was paralyzed with the thought of having to walk away. We were newlyweds. It wasn't supposed to be like this.
One time he had to travel out of town for business. He planned to stay with nearby family members, who happen to be sober and in AA. He opened a bottle of wine the night before his flight and joked, "Guess I'll be dry for a week. They gave me one condition. No drinking during my stay". Three days into the trip, I get a phone call. His family & friends invited him to their home group meeting. He made a choice to get sober. Wow! I listened to his words. I think that was the first sincere conversation we've had. He was scared. I was happy and also scared (or scared to be happy?)
I immediately set out to learn as much as I could about alcoholism, AA, & the steps. If he was starting this journey I wanted to be right there with him to help - as his loving, supportive, nurturing wife. I started having hope again.
Once home, he tried a few meetings & I even went with him to some open meetings. He listened to the speakers. He quickly learned the lingo & slogans. A friend gave him a Big Book. His brother (who had always been cold & distant to us) was so proud and welcomed him back into his life. Being accepted by his brother was huge. He set out to be the perfect student of the program. Hope soon turned to confusion. Things weren't magical like I wished. Anger, frustration, & depression was magnified. I was advised to be patient (haha, patience is my middle name!) I can do that.
Fast forward to today. I'm coming up on a milestone birthday. Our children will be on their own soon. I've had joy in these years. But the pain, suffering and confusion hasn't gotten any better since the beginning. I don't know who I am or what I like anymore. I feel guilty for feeling this way. My husband has managed to stay sober all these years by being involved in AA, but I feel only his sponsees and program friends get to see the best of him. Maybe because as long as I take his blame, he will continue to give it to me. When I want to talk about these feelings he says I'm blaming him for my problems. Then he presents his list: He's stayed sober, works his program, completed anger management, gone to counseling, works hard & is successful at his job. He's done all of these things so I shouldn't complain. My head spins. I beat myself up for my messed up feelings. I feel he is right. They're my issues and I need to figure it out on my own. I cry alone often. I daydream of what life would be like on my own, then cry again for the loss of my marriage, damage to my kids, and the picture that I have of us happily growing old together. Now we walk around the same house and don't talk about feelings. I'm full of sadness & resentments.
Too many years of this. I think I'm finally tired. I don't know what my future will look like. For the first time I realize there is nothing I can do about him (or anyone else). I need to take care of me. I called a trusted friend who is working the steps in Al Anon and he suggested a women's meeting I might start with. I'm going tonight. I'm scared but sensing a glimpse of peace.
Didn't set out to be so long winded...this is the first time I've shared this in detail. Reading your blog has given me clarity. Thanks for listening.
__________________________________________
I understand your story. I've lived it also. And you have hit upon the thing that will help--focusing on what brings you joy and taking care of yourself. Living with an alcoholic, no matter what stage of recovery, can be a challenge. That's why I know that Al-Anon is a life long program for me. I simply need it and can tell when I have been away from a meeting for too long.
I hope that you will continue to work on your recovery from the effects of alcoholism. It can be lonely living with an alcoholic. I realize that most of my life, I focused on the alcoholics and not on myself. Now I am no longer doing that. It takes a while for the message to get through to those we love that they are no longer going to be the center of the universe. In my marriage, this has helped us to become closer because I am not having the constant expectations that bred resentment. We talk and share things but can be content with just quietly being together. I am not looking for her to provide me happiness. That is too much to expect from anyone.
Best wishes to you on going to a meeting and working on your own life.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Into September
The summer is officially over but the heat and humidity continues here. This has been a difficult summer. In fact, it almost seems as if there hasn't been much of one, at least from having a lot of time to just relax. The death of Pop and my cousin in June definitely cast a pall over the usual happy times.
I shared my Al-Anon story twice in August: at my home group and at a meeting I helped start and regularly attend. At that meeting, anniversaries are celebrated at the end of the month. There were three of us who were celebrating anniversaries in August, but I was the only one who showed up. I had hoped to not have to talk again for 45 minutes, but as usually occurs, the words came out in something that appeared to resonate with others.
A group of us went to dinner afterwards which is usually fun. This time a lady came who has generally been fairly quiet in meetings, often sitting and crying about her daughter who is an addict. She has identified herself as a therapist and talked and talked during the whole meal. It's interesting how people can have an entirely different persona outside of meetings. Perhaps manic talking is a mask for the terror that she feels?
I've joined a book study group that meets before the regular Al-Anon meeting. We are reading a book called Discovering Choices. It's about relationships, a topic that interests me because I have basically had difficulty with knowing how to have a healthy relationship for most of my life.
And the book is about having healthy relationships and not the co-dependent kind which is filled with mistrust, fear and anger. Anyway, the book states that "Wherever we may be in our search for healthy relationships, we
have to begin where we are today. It may be painful to think how much better our relationships could have—or should have—been. There’s no point in criticizing ourselves when we did the best we could with what we had. We can gain peace of mind by putting aside what we could or should have done and by accepting who and where we are right now." The book is generating a lot of good discussion in the group as each of us tries to look at present relationships without guilt and regret.
I have been approved as a Hospice volunteer and will start with photographing for a memory book of a lady who is dying. I don't know how I will feel, but somehow think that being a volunteer will be mutually beneficial. My wife thinks that I am too tender for this--that it will sadden me. I may be too tender. But I want to see what I feel and what I can learn from those who are facing their own imminent death. I will let you know how that goes.
Next week, I am going on the boat for three days. I am looking forward to getting away more than I can say. I have missed going out every week. It isn't the same to be on the boat at the marina. The view is magnificent of the city and the harbor, but I need the solitude that comes from casting off lines and heading to the "secret" island. I feel as if I have been holding my breath and am waiting to exhale upon arrival there. It is my tree house on the water--a place where I can wear as few clothes as possible and live a nomad's life for a few days. This winter, the voyage may become much longer as I plan to head down the coast to somewhere tropical. Lots of options at the moment. And I am savoring each and every one.
I shared my Al-Anon story twice in August: at my home group and at a meeting I helped start and regularly attend. At that meeting, anniversaries are celebrated at the end of the month. There were three of us who were celebrating anniversaries in August, but I was the only one who showed up. I had hoped to not have to talk again for 45 minutes, but as usually occurs, the words came out in something that appeared to resonate with others.
A group of us went to dinner afterwards which is usually fun. This time a lady came who has generally been fairly quiet in meetings, often sitting and crying about her daughter who is an addict. She has identified herself as a therapist and talked and talked during the whole meal. It's interesting how people can have an entirely different persona outside of meetings. Perhaps manic talking is a mask for the terror that she feels?
I've joined a book study group that meets before the regular Al-Anon meeting. We are reading a book called Discovering Choices. It's about relationships, a topic that interests me because I have basically had difficulty with knowing how to have a healthy relationship for most of my life.
And the book is about having healthy relationships and not the co-dependent kind which is filled with mistrust, fear and anger. Anyway, the book states that "Wherever we may be in our search for healthy relationships, we
have to begin where we are today. It may be painful to think how much better our relationships could have—or should have—been. There’s no point in criticizing ourselves when we did the best we could with what we had. We can gain peace of mind by putting aside what we could or should have done and by accepting who and where we are right now." The book is generating a lot of good discussion in the group as each of us tries to look at present relationships without guilt and regret.
I have been approved as a Hospice volunteer and will start with photographing for a memory book of a lady who is dying. I don't know how I will feel, but somehow think that being a volunteer will be mutually beneficial. My wife thinks that I am too tender for this--that it will sadden me. I may be too tender. But I want to see what I feel and what I can learn from those who are facing their own imminent death. I will let you know how that goes.
Next week, I am going on the boat for three days. I am looking forward to getting away more than I can say. I have missed going out every week. It isn't the same to be on the boat at the marina. The view is magnificent of the city and the harbor, but I need the solitude that comes from casting off lines and heading to the "secret" island. I feel as if I have been holding my breath and am waiting to exhale upon arrival there. It is my tree house on the water--a place where I can wear as few clothes as possible and live a nomad's life for a few days. This winter, the voyage may become much longer as I plan to head down the coast to somewhere tropical. Lots of options at the moment. And I am savoring each and every one.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
A blur of days
Today is lovely. The north wind came in overnight, so the temperatures are cool. We've had breakfast on the porch. I have read a few blogs and am now taking time to do a post here. My wife is at home and not planning on going to her parent's house. Progress.
I told my story at my home group for my Al-Anon anniversary. It felt good to share some about my past and where I am now. The past year was one that has been so difficult due to the deaths of the parents and my cousin, their sickness and terrible decline.
To be honest, there were times when I didn't even want to get out of bed in the morning. I had no energy and realize that grief takes a heavy toll on me. My wife struggled with her own sadness. Both of us were processing the losses in our own way. She focused all her energy on packing up the house. She wouldn't stop no matter how exhausted she was. The handy man and I would carry the many boxes to storage. But she wanted to go through everything, sorting out those things that could be given away and those that would be saved.
I felt that separateness and loneliness returning, just as it had when her focus was on alcohol. There was no room for me at the moment. The difference now was that I let her be. When she came home tired and exhausted, I would hold her close. I would draw water in the whirlpool bath for her, pour in the bath salts, and sponge her tired body. I cooked dinner, even if it was late in the evening. I struggled with not asking her to stop for a few days, take a break, and relax. I did tell her that I was concerned that she was overdoing it.
And now we are done with the house. There are a few things left to box up in the garage. And somehow in the packing up of scrapbooks, photo albums, dishes, collectibles, linens, and all the other accumulation of 90 years of life, we have moved through grief to acceptance and joy. We have turned the corner.
Today is beautiful so we are going to enjoy it by reading the paper, writing, picking vegetables, and going to the boat. Emerging from sadness feels so good, like walking out of a dark cave into the light.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
A letter to the alcoholic from an Al-Anon
I am your family member, lover, friend. I need help. I too have been affected by the disease of alcoholism which has caused me to lose my self-esteem, self-respect and motivation in our relationship. I am learning through Al-Anon to take a stand on behalf of myself as your parent, child, wife, lover or friend.
Don't lie to me because in doing so you only lie to yourself by accepting your lies as truth. The truth may be painful, but I must realize my own truths in rigorous honesty.
I do not have the power to make anyone "entirely ready" to choose recovery. I am choosing recovery for me. If you so choose, you will call on your Higher Power - the god of your understanding for this help.
Don't believe you can outsmart alcoholism. It is a progressive disease that will take you hostage, teach you to avoid responsibility and lose respect for yourself, while others will lose respect for you at the same time. It will break you to the point that you may die.
Don't try to exploit or take advantage of me because I am learning to focus and take care of myself. I have personal boundaries and dignity and won't be an accomplice to your evasion of responsibility. I am taking responsibility for my part by working the Al-Anon program one day at a time and embracing a new way of living.
Don't lecture me, moralize, scold, praise, blame or argue whether you are drunk or sober. I am no longer a doormat. I have moved out of the doorway and you cannot step on me anymore. I am detaching with love: "I'll see you after my meeting. I love you."
Don't make promises you don't intend to keep. Let's be honest with one another. Neither of us is perfect, and I doubt we ever will be. I think that is okay. I accept you as you are. I can take what I like and leave the rest. Can you say the same of me? If we postpone the pain by not working on ourselves, are we happier or just stuck? We can try to run away, but I know that wherever I go, there I am.
Mostly, I am not going to have expectations of who I think you "should" be. For me, I can have expectations that by working the steps I will find peace. I know now that half measures will avail us nothing. Alcoholism drove me to surrender and choose recovery. Are you ready to do the same?
Don't lose your temper with me. I am not going to take what you say personally and am not going to react to your anger by reciprocating with rage and harboring resentments. When I point a finger at you and take your inventory, there are four more fingers pointing back at me. Let's communicate respectfully, and speak in the same manner we would like to be spoken to.
If one of us grows a little quicker than the other, don't let anxiety about this cause us to abandon one another or give up on ourselves because of fear, nor let it compel us to do for one another what we must do for ourselves. Let's not tell one another how to work our programs or make threats if there are program slips or relapses. Let's allow one another the dignity to make our own choices and experience our own consequences.
Also, let us not use words and deeds that would cause us to suffer consequences of criticism, shaming, rejection, or abandonment for not being perfect. It's cruel to attempt to reduce a person through sarcasm and harsh words. Doing so perpetuates a crisis to our new found trust in one another and therefore, exacerbates each of our illnesses. Let's be kind to one another.
Above all, let's not run away from reality. We each have our disease and must never forget that. The journey back to ourselves is a worthwhile one. Alcoholism is an illness, and it can be arrested but never cured. We can start now to learn, understand and plan for our recovery in our respective programs. We may need the help of professionals - a doctor, counselor, or psychologist, another recovering person (a sponsor). But mostly we will need guidance from our Higher Power to recover and restore our being - to make us whole as individuals and with one another. The spirit that was broken can be repaired.
We may hate ourselves yet love one another. To do nothing is the worst choice each of us can make for ourselves and those we love. Instead let's strive together for honesty, openness and willingness.
My hope is that you will see that you are worth the effort of recovery. I know that I am.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
A great week
We had a great week of vacation. And the last couple of days at the AA/Al-Anon conference were good. I am probably prejudiced but thought that the Al-Anon speaker was inspiring.
One of the things that she mentioned was how prevalent denial is in a home with alcoholism. Saying everything is "Fine" is status quo. The truth won't be revealed because putting up a front to the outside world is so important.
When I started this blog, I used the title of "I'm Just F.I.N.E" because that's what I would always say if someone asked me how I was. I certainly didn't want anyone to know what I was really feeling! I would change the meaning of that acronym today from "f__ked, insecure, neurotic and emotional" to something a lot more positive. Maybe something like "free, involved, nice and energetic" seems more accurate now.
I certainly don't feel that the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I no longer believe that I am responsible for the happiness of others. And I don't feel alone with my problems being foremost in my head.
Having a solution to what seemed like insurmountable unhappiness is an incredible thing. I am lucky in so many ways to still have dreams that I want to fulfill, rather than grieving those that were unavailable and unrealistic.
Yes, it has been a good week. I sometimes forget how things used to be. But as a measure of how far we have come, I can tell you it is miraculous.
One of the things that she mentioned was how prevalent denial is in a home with alcoholism. Saying everything is "Fine" is status quo. The truth won't be revealed because putting up a front to the outside world is so important.
When I started this blog, I used the title of "I'm Just F.I.N.E" because that's what I would always say if someone asked me how I was. I certainly didn't want anyone to know what I was really feeling! I would change the meaning of that acronym today from "f__ked, insecure, neurotic and emotional" to something a lot more positive. Maybe something like "free, involved, nice and energetic" seems more accurate now.
I certainly don't feel that the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I no longer believe that I am responsible for the happiness of others. And I don't feel alone with my problems being foremost in my head.
Having a solution to what seemed like insurmountable unhappiness is an incredible thing. I am lucky in so many ways to still have dreams that I want to fulfill, rather than grieving those that were unavailable and unrealistic.
Yes, it has been a good week. I sometimes forget how things used to be. But as a measure of how far we have come, I can tell you it is miraculous.
Monday, November 26, 2012
What wears, what endures
Today is our wedding anniversary. When I think back to our wedding day, I realize just how young we were. And how much in love I was. I thought that the very breath of me came from my wife. I'm not sure that she felt that way about me, but I know that over the years she has come to love me more and more. And for me, I have come to realize that the love that I felt back then has morphed into something different but still powerful.
We were married in my parent's living room at the old house in Virginia. My father bought us a house as a wedding gift. We were moving out of the state, heading South after the first of the year. We wanted our own house so he gave us one. We didn't want money spent on a big wedding. We wanted her parents, a few of our friends, my grandmother who was over 90, and a few other relatives of ours to attend. Many of those people are dead and gone, some we haven't seen in years, and others probably don't remember the day.
Some of my memories are that the biscuit timer went off during the ceremony. My father was cooking biscuits to stuff with Smithfield ham. The cake was made by a friend of the family. The dining room with the old Hepplewhite table that we still have in our dining room was filled with food. I don't remember eating anything. I know that I did because there is a photo of us cutting the cake together and eating some. I know that I was in a daze.
I remember feeling like it was our day though. A special day for us. I also wished that we could have a get away honeymoon, but we were both busy with finishing up our dissertations. So we went back to our little cinderblock house, made love, and then met with my in-laws and some other relatives for dinner. The special day was done and the reality of being married set in.
I think that we both were not only excited but wondering what we had gotten into. What would our lives together be like? We embarked on a journey that day, using the skills that we had learned and carrying along all the baggage that we had put together. Thankfully, we have honed our skills and discarded most of the baggage. We've learned to shape a life together. And we aren't the same kids that we were back then--having unreal expectations of each other and everyone else. Our sharp edges have been softened with each other.
We were married in my parent's living room at the old house in Virginia. My father bought us a house as a wedding gift. We were moving out of the state, heading South after the first of the year. We wanted our own house so he gave us one. We didn't want money spent on a big wedding. We wanted her parents, a few of our friends, my grandmother who was over 90, and a few other relatives of ours to attend. Many of those people are dead and gone, some we haven't seen in years, and others probably don't remember the day.
Some of my memories are that the biscuit timer went off during the ceremony. My father was cooking biscuits to stuff with Smithfield ham. The cake was made by a friend of the family. The dining room with the old Hepplewhite table that we still have in our dining room was filled with food. I don't remember eating anything. I know that I did because there is a photo of us cutting the cake together and eating some. I know that I was in a daze.
I remember feeling like it was our day though. A special day for us. I also wished that we could have a get away honeymoon, but we were both busy with finishing up our dissertations. So we went back to our little cinderblock house, made love, and then met with my in-laws and some other relatives for dinner. The special day was done and the reality of being married set in.
I think that we both were not only excited but wondering what we had gotten into. What would our lives together be like? We embarked on a journey that day, using the skills that we had learned and carrying along all the baggage that we had put together. Thankfully, we have honed our skills and discarded most of the baggage. We've learned to shape a life together. And we aren't the same kids that we were back then--having unreal expectations of each other and everyone else. Our sharp edges have been softened with each other.
Lines written for a thirtieth wedding anniversary
Somewhere up in the eaves it began:
high in the roof – in a sort of vault
between the slates and the gutter – a small leak.
Through it, rain which came from the east,
in from the lights and foghorns of the coast –
water with a ghost of ocean salt in it –
spilled down on the path below.
Over and over and over
years stone began to alter,
its grain searched out, worn in:
granite rounding down, giving way
taking into its own inertia that
information water brought, of ships,
wings, fog and phosphor in the harbour.
It happened under our lives: the rain,
the stone. We hardly noticed. Now
this is the day to think of it, to wonder:
all those years, all those years together –
the stars in a frozen arc overhead,
the quick noise of a thaw in the air,
the blue stare of the hills – through it all
this constancy: what wears, what endures.— Eavan Boland
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Honoring my self
Yesterday was the men's meeting. We talked about keeping the focus on ourselves, not in a selfish way but in the sense of owning our own needs and naming them in a relationship rather than seeing the other person in the relationship as the source of all problems.
We did not get very far into the reading before there was a lot of discussion about what part of our selves we have given up over the years. For some, it was about not having any real sense of self because of being alcoholic. Not wanting to own any part of being responsible to another was certainly one of the things that we talked about.
And then there was my take on this which was feeling overly responsible to others, to my job, to organizations to the point that I was morphed into whatever others wanted me to be, putting my real needs on hold. Inside was, and is, the vagabond spirit that wants to be free of responsibility. So the trick is to balance what I want to do with what I need to do. I want to sail to some faraway places, but now is not the time to leave my wife to deal with her parents and the farm. I talk with her about my dreams and wants. I share my feelings with her and don't hold back. That has opened up a lot of good discussions and brought us closer together.
I realize that my sense of self has been at times muted and altered. Just that awareness is helping me to be more mindful of sharing who I am with those I know, without being concerned about what they might think. It is an ongoing process.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Hating the disease: a story from a reader
Occasionally, I'll get an email that resonates with me because the writer shares such an honest part of herself. I can identify with hating the disease while I desperately love the person who has it. The following was sent to me a couple of weeks ago. I have the writer's permission to include it here.
Dear Syd -
I stumbled upon your blog a few weeks ago, and it has become a permanent "go to" site on my phone. I often pick topics that are relevant to me that day, and your writing has provided me with a lot of peace and hope.
I have been in a ten year relationship with an addict (not alcohol) who I love deeply. It has been both my greatest joy and my deepest heartbreak.
If you'll allow me to share, here's the background on our story:
I was a good two years in the relationship before I realized there was an actual drug problem and the full extent of it. He was highly functioning and ambitious and although there were signs, I chose to believe him that everything was "fine".
Following the admission were three solid years of him trying to "beat it" on his own. The sixth year was a stint in rehab, from which he came back in full recovery. For that year he stayed clean and worked with his sponsor. In year seven, we were happy and hopeful and got engaged. We were finally putting all the plans and dreams we had put on hold so many years into effect. Things seemed promising until year eight.
We visited his family with whom he has a complicated relationship (they are all active alcoholics), his sponsor passed away, and he stopped working the program. Almost immediately he relapsed. It started as once every few months he'd use. All the while saying he'd get it under control again. Of course it slowly escalated, as I feared it would, as he wasn't working a program.
By year nine, the wedding had been put on hold, and his finances were in a mess. Year ten came this july. He went back to meetings. Found a temporary sponsor. And started seeing a psychiatrist in the genuine and high hopes that he would help him further. The psychiatrist, to my utter amazement, prescribed him about 4 different types of pills, two of which are highly addictive. His personality has changed to the point where he is a dull shadow of his former self. The pill intake has steadily gone up. And the drug use persists.
I am in Al-Anon. I have a sponsor. I do three meetings a week. And I am determined to find my sanity one way or another.
That said, there are many dark days and heartbreak as the happy (albeit imperfect) ending I whole-heartedly believed in has not ever come.
I am now 39 years old. I pretty much may have lost my chance to have children because I decided to stay in this relationship. I have accepted that, but sometimes it makes me incredibly sad.
I can honestly say I don't blame him. I know he has a disease. I know I chose to stay. But I feel I am realizing I can't stay much longer. I simply don't know how to co-exist and find serenity with active addiction. Last night he relapsed, after a month sober. He said he was going to the gym, and didn't come home until 6 in the morning.
During that endless night, of which I've had many, I tried to use the tools I've learned in the program. I tried to take care of myself, read some literature, prayed, took a bath, tried to sleep... but it's too much. I just can't do it. Not knowing if the person you love is okay or if this is the time that they don't make it home is too much to bear anymore. As the morning hours creep in, the feeling of despair and panic rise to almost unbearable levels, and I start to prepare myself for the worst. Would the police come to our door? Would I have to go to the morgue? How could I stand it? How could I bear it?
Tonight I think he may have used again. He should have been home by now. The feeling in my stomach is familiar. I want off this merry go round. And yet he is the great love of my life. What a pickle, is it not?
I hate this disease. I hate what it's done to him. And to me. And to the life we both dreamt of so many years ago.
I don't know how this story will end. But I know I am powerless over his disease. And I know I need to get better somehow, whether he does or not, because as utterly hopeless as I feel right now, I have not forgotten that this life is a gift.
Thank you for taking the time to read my words. Thank you for sharing your journey with me and so many. I am so glad your wife is sober today and I wish you continued peace and recovery.
Friday, October 26, 2012
Storms and intimacy
The men's meeting was held Wednesday on the boat. We didn't get but 2 pages read because each of us had a lot to share. But they concurred that sitting on a sailing yacht on a brilliant fall day was completely awesome. We shared about intimacy in relationships and how it is hard to maintain over the long haul because it morphs into something different.
"It is only in long-term relationships that we are called upon to navigate that delicate balance between separateness and connectedness and that we confront the challenge of sustaining both...." (Lerner, 1989).
Two of the men are divorced and not married now. Both, who are recovering alcoholics, are struggling with intimacy in new relationships. Three of us have been married to the same person for at least a couple of decades. We struggle with how to keep the intimacy present in our relationships that have been affected by alcoholism. And I know just how difficult it is to not sacrifice myself for another or resent them for their emotional absence.
"An intimate relationship is one in which neither party silences, sacrifices, or betrays the self and each party expresses strength and vulnerability, weakness and competence in a balanced way." (Lerner, 1989). Learning how to achieve such balance is not easy. It requires honesty and courage to be together without overpowering or suppressing another. It also means awareness when apathy begins to creep in. And so we are exploring the application of recovery principles in our most intimate relationships.
And isn't love really at the root of being with another person? I don't think that I realized at the onset of my relationship with my wife that I was really seeking a best friend. Now I know that besides the physical attraction and intelligence, I was seeking someone who would be my life partner regardless. But the give and take, the expectations, and eventual disappointments can cause a lot of damage. I didn't have the self-awareness or communication skills to cope with the problems that ensured. And I didn't have knowledge of the 12 steps to deal with alcoholism.
But togetherness feels much less confining than it was in years past. We know that we are life partners. I'm hoping that by meeting with several other men, we will learn from each other about how to make the life partnership happen and get better.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
The common good
One of the most telling parables of limits comes from Garrett Hardin's, "Tragedy of the Commons". In this 1968 article in Science, he describes what happened when limits aren't recognized and respected. A commons was a pasture that belonged collectively to a village. Everyone in the village grazed cattle on the commons. As the number of animals owned by the village approached the capacity of the commons, the problem took the following form:
A villager could buy one more cow and gain the full income that a cow provided. The damage caused by one cow too many grazing the pasture would be small compared with the gain. Of course, the entire community would suffer from the damage because eventually the grass would be consumed. Yet, every member of the village was motivated to keep adding cows. The tragedy is that, to preserve the commons, the personal freedom of the villagers had to be curtailed.
In the article, Hardin illustrates the critical flaw of freedom in the commons: all participants must agree to conserve the commons, but any one can force the destruction of the commons. Although Hardin describes exploitation by humans in an unregulated public pasture, his commons and "grass" principle fit into our society today.
I see examples from society today in which exploitation seems to be almost a right. If each person decides to exploit a resource, regardless of what it is, there can be dire consequences.
In Al-Anon, Tradition One states that "Our common welfare should come first; personal progress for the greatest number depends upon unity." Unity is based on harmonious cooperation. It means that I am willing to listen to the ideas, feelings, and opinions of others with an open mind. It means that I can share my own views but not insist on promoting my own way as the only way. Without unity, our groups would fail. And without the group, there is no place for the newcomer to go. Eventually, the whole structure would fail if we didn't think of the common good of all who come through the doors seeking recovery.
Unity also applies in relationships outside meetings. We each have needs and rights, but it's important to also have mutual respect for each other in relationships: with members of our family, with business associates, and friends. With unity, the whole is greater than any of its parts. I may think that I'm right, but it's also important to see the other person's viewpoint and allow them the dignity to do what they need to do. Living with another is much easier when I don't insist that my way is the only way.
Thinking of the common good has to come first in a family, workplace, and society if we are to function in a healthy manner. When I start putting my needs above that of my wife, then I know that she won't be happy and there will be an imbalance that leads to disharmony and probably resentment. If I can maintain balance, thinking of what she needs as well as my own needs, then life is much easier.
When I keep the common good in mind and recognize that I am part of something bigger than just me, I seem to do much better in relationships with others. I can express my opinion, listen to what others have to say, and reach an agreement that is amenable. I do my best to let go of the results when I don't get my way. I can talk things out with others but in the end, my idea may not be the one that is accepted.
I am reminded every day of how powerless I am over others. I simply can't control what they are going to do. Even though I consider the common good, another person may be selfish and only consider their own agenda. I do have the right to state my opinion and thoughts. After that, I have to let it go.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Let's talk about anger
I spent a few beautiful days on the boat. Fall mornings are cool with wonderfully warm afternoons. It was a good time to walk, take photos, read and relax.
It looks as if the men's meeting is going to go forward. We will get together every couple of weeks, read some recovery literature and talk about what we have read. The next meeting is going to be on the boat. After the meeting hour, we will have time to socialize and have a cup of coffee or tea and some snacks. I think having this meeting is going to be fun. The idea is to have a small group of fellows who can open up to each other, have a flexible meeting format (i.e. not worry about cross-talk), and forge some closer ties.
Our first book is going to be on anger. That's something that I think each of us has experienced and will benefit from discussing. I have evolved in recovery to the point that I don't lash out in anger. I have learned about restraint of tongue (and pen). Yet, there are still times that I can feel the angry retort on the tip of my tongue. And those situations are usually when I perceive an injustice, lack of respect, or just plain selfishness in another.
I have read that reactivity is a mindless, thoughtless reflex and involves the least evolved, most primitive parts of the human brain. Restraint on the other hand is equated with thoughtful, conscious self-control and indicates better ego functioning. All very true. But there are moments when the primitive parts of myself are fighting with the more civilized me. It would be so easy to let the beast within win.
I have not been a demonstrative rager. I wasn't a dish thrower, a verbal abuser, or a trafficker in sarcasm. Instead, I tried to be reasonable and be the placater. And when that didn't work, I would opt to be the wounded victim, the self-righteous martyr. Rather than confront a situation directly, I would give the silent treatment to my wife. And all the while inside I was fuming, angry at her and at myself most of all.
I don't do much self-righteous fuming now. I speak up when something bothers me. I think about what is going on, what I feel, look at what my role is, and make a decision whether it is important enough to discuss. Often times if I have a "cooling off" period and detach from the situation, I decide that the affront wasn't really about me.
If I do decide to speak up about something, then the approach that I now use is to be direct and say what is bothering me: e.g. "I am uncomfortable about....". I like a reasonable dialogue rather than blowing someone away with anger. It is less messy and isn't tinged with regret later. Once out of my mouth, I've found that the indignant rage will deflate me faster than a pin stuck in a balloon. I feel blown apart from my own anger.
There are lots of triggers that can sabotage self-restraint when it comes to personal relationships. I strive for balance and awareness. Hopefully, those are taking me on the higher road to kindness.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Intimacy
The weekend has been great. Once again the magic of being on the water is restorative. We have swum, slept, eaten, walked, and enjoyed intimacy.
One of the hardest things when there is active drinking is to feel any kind of intimacy, even though love for the person is still there. We have slept together for all the years of our marriage, with few exceptions. Those exceptions occurred after my wife had surgery for her heart attack and when she was so drunk that I couldn't stand to be near her.
Because she had blackouts, I would sometimes stay in the same bed in case she got up and wandered, fearing that she would fall down the steps . Intimacy was not something I enjoyed then. I had enough of boozy kisses followed by anger. Up and down moods when drinking made me wary. The loneliness became more entrenched.
Being sober makes a lot of difference in how we interact. Even though she has been sad lately, we still share a great deal of intimacy. We have learned to let go of past hurts in order to forge a new relationship built on mutual respect and compassion.
In fact, we are having so much fun this weekend that we will stay out until tomorrow. Hope that you are having a good weekend too.
One of the hardest things when there is active drinking is to feel any kind of intimacy, even though love for the person is still there. We have slept together for all the years of our marriage, with few exceptions. Those exceptions occurred after my wife had surgery for her heart attack and when she was so drunk that I couldn't stand to be near her.
Because she had blackouts, I would sometimes stay in the same bed in case she got up and wandered, fearing that she would fall down the steps . Intimacy was not something I enjoyed then. I had enough of boozy kisses followed by anger. Up and down moods when drinking made me wary. The loneliness became more entrenched.
Being sober makes a lot of difference in how we interact. Even though she has been sad lately, we still share a great deal of intimacy. We have learned to let go of past hurts in order to forge a new relationship built on mutual respect and compassion.
In fact, we are having so much fun this weekend that we will stay out until tomorrow. Hope that you are having a good weekend too.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Rainy day news
Rain has been falling since last night. Sometime this morning, we lost power which happens frequently in the country. Limbs become sodden and fall on the lines. Eventually, the power company comes out to fix the problem and that occurred around 6 AM this morning.
The longest that we were without power was 23 days after Hurricane Hugo came through. We got to know our neighbors really well during that time. A generator was shared, food from defrosting freezers was eaten, bon fires of downed limbs, and lots of team chain sawing were the activities of the day.
I know only a few of the neighbors now. Some of the ones that we worked with side by side are still around, but quite a few have sold their property and moved to the city or to retirement homes.
There is a lot to take care of here. Some of you commented about that on my last post. People get tired of the work and simply want to have less to do. I don't know when that time will come for us, but I hope that it is a long time off. We don't spend many days lolling around doing nothing. But on these rainy days, when nothing has to be watered by me, the weather pulls us together inside to take a nap, holding each other close and later awakening to dusk coming on.
We made dinner tonight--an insalata caprese made with basil from the garden, tomatoes from the island and fat free mozzarella. And now, it's time to sit on the porch and listen to the rain. I treasure this life with my sweetheart. I treasure her so much that it's hard to put into words. I think the feeling has been this way since I met her, even when we were laid low by alcoholism. Some things are just meant to be.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Neat little rows
We have been working on the flower beds this week. My wife has wanted an English garden so now we have two of them. Neither of us like planting flowers in neat little rows so the beautiful chaos of an English garden is fine.
I went to the garden center twice this week, filling up the truck with Salvia, Delphinium, Lavender, Cleome, yarrow, Dianthus, Gaillardia, and others. We have grown our own marigolds and zinnias from seeds that were planted in the greenhouse. It's tough on plants in the heat and humidity of the deep coastal South. But for now, on this cool morning, the gardens look wonderful.
This morning we are getting a bouquet ready for the parents who celebrate their 70 years together. I know those years weren't necessarily all happy. But today, I'm choosing to look on the positive side. I see the photos from their cruises together--both look happy. I look at the Christmas photos of them hugging each other. And I remember that my mother-in-law told me only a few months ago that "I really love that man". Seventy years--more than a lifetime for some. I know that there were some good times during that stretch of years.
Marriage is such a complicated thing, not only from a legal standpoint but from the hype that we buy into about spending time together, having meaningful discussions, sharing finances, staying in sickness and in health. So many expectations that no wonder people freak out when they discover that the person they married isn't all that they had hoped for. Do we ever find anyone who is all that we hoped for? I don't think so. I think that we just accept what we can, and if we can't find anything acceptable then we part.
Not as many people are making the commitment to marry as in years past. I understand the reasoning. With divorce rates being so high, it's a leap of faith to think that you will still love the same person that you married after 20, 50 or 70 years. I can't imagine my life without my wife today, but there have been days when I could easily imagine it. Marriage isn't like the neat little rows in a garden, but has its share of chaos too. If you string together enough good days though, then the occasional bad one or two isn't so hard. We have strung together some good days this week and over our years together. I'm a lucky fellow.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
A delicate balance
It takes time in recovery to understand that both parties are responsible when it comes to a relationship. No one gets away unscathed. I've learned that my partner is not my emotional punching bag, my therapist, my scape goat, or a continuous fount of love, tolerance and forgiveness. There are many human limitations that just are, whether a person is alcoholic or not.
But what about life before recovery. What was that like in terms of having a loving relationship? I thought that the narcissistic selfishness and total disregard for the feelings of others was a relationship killer. Blame is one of the hot potatoes that gets tossed around in a relationship with an alcoholic. In the past, I was blamed for a lot of things. I was blamed for not doing things well, for doing them too well, for not wanting to go along with what others wanted, and for being too compliant. I know now that this was an attempt to take the focus off them so that no guilt would be felt. If you can't control your own life, then it is much easier to blame others rather than face and own your own problems.
The solution, as one therapist put it, is to learn to say "NO" and mean it. I can remember being angry at myself for putting everyone else first. I was trying to please and getting no where. I was furious that I did this, but seemed powerless to stop. I didn't understand the alcoholic's selfish inability to empathize with others or understand why I might be angry or hurt by their selfish behaviors. It took years before I realized that I was not making anyone happy, including myself, by agreeing to do what others wanted and disregarding my own feelings.
The behavior of the person living and loving an alcoholic is as crazy as that of the alcoholic. I would say I was sorry for things that I didn't do. I would try to make the peace over some argument that I didn't start. The therapist I went to told me that I had to stop accepting the blame for those things that weren't mine to own. And that message is also echoed in Al-Anon--that I don't have to pick up the baggage of another or own someone else's problem.
As a result, I have learned to say what I mean without saying it meanly. And that includes being able to say "No" when I don't want to do something. I don't accept being blamed for things that I didn't do, nor do I feel overwhelming guilt that I am not doing something that someone else wants me to.
And then finally this thought about how we are just trying to get along in this life:
"there is a loneliness in this world so great
that you can see it in the slow movement of
the hands of a clock.
people so tired
mutilated
either by love or no love.
people just are not good to each other
one on one.
the rich are not good to the rich
the poor are not good to the poor.
we are afraid.
our educational system tells us
that we can all be
big-ass winners.
it hasn't told us
about the gutters
or the suicides.
or the terror of one person
aching in one place
alone
untouched
unspoken to
watering a plant."
— Charles Bukowski (Love is a Dog from Hell)
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