Happenings

I thought that I had better catch up here.  As usual, my excuse for not writing is that I have been incredibly busy and for the most part enjoying every day.  My birthday came and went.  It was a good day spent at a riding clinic, having lunch with horse friends and having a great dinner with my wife.  I had few expectations as birthdays go, but what resulted was delightful.

I spent three days on my sailboat during my birthday week, enjoying a few days of good weather in which the sun actually shone.  It was my escape to serenity-- a temple for me to rest, read, cook, and bask in the sun.  I came back feeling totally relaxed and rejuvenated.

On Sunday, I went for a 7.5 mi trail ride on my fancy dressage horse. He handled the woods, the scary farm machinery, the wide open dirt road--all of it, like he was born to trail ride. The ladies riding with me were impressed by his calmness and his being so level headed.  Every day I go to see him, he greets me with a soft nicker.  My wife is quite taken with him also.

On a more somber note, a young local high school student has died over an altercation with a fellow student about a Snap Chat message sent to his girlfriend.  The kid visiting his girlfriend told the other fellow to come over and he would kill him.  So the young man went over and was stabbed in a fight. Both are from affluent families, no drugs involved, and were not in trouble before. Now one is dead and the other is messed up for life.  I don't understand the anger that drives a 16 year old to kill a 17 year old over anything, much less a phone message.

I don't know about you, but we settled things in a civilized manner--no fights, no knives, no guns.  Parents have so much to worry about these days. Drugs and alcohol, and more guns and violence than ever before.  It is a tough world out there.  And I often wondered how I made it this far--maybe because when I was a kid, I feared my father's wrath more than anything else; and as a teenager, I decided that not much was worth dying over.  And that attitude carried into college, although I did some reckless things. And for some reason, I am still alive. I feel a great deal of sorrow for the parents who are suffering the horrible death of their child and for the parents who are dealing with the horror of what their son did.

My little home group has been struggling with low numbers of people attending. Several meetings in the area have closed.  I wonder if this is simply a reflection of the time of year or does it bode problems for an aging fellowship.

Certainly, the number of those with substance abuse problems has risen.  And that means that a lot of families and friends of alcoholics/addicts are suffering from the effects of the disease.  But are they trying to tough this out alone?  I hope that they are getting some kind of help to cope with the anxiety, anger and fear of living with an alcoholic/addict.  They certainly aren't pouring into the rooms of Al-Anon around here.  What really matters to me is that people get some kind of help because it is a very lonely thing to deal with alcoholism/addiction on your own.

I hope that all is going well with you.  I think of you and will catch up some this week.

A chasm of rage

The fissure of the tentative rock that sort of held us together as some sort of cordial family unit has become a broad chasm.  All attempts at civility and kindness have been replaced by anger and full out rage.

We spent all of last night in the ER with both in-laws. She was in because she fell in a melee of anger.  He is there for a psych evaluation and an attempt to stabilize his mood.  It was one of the worst nights that I have spent in a long time.   My father-in-law wants nothing to do with his daughter or with me.  We are dead to him at the moment.  All the seething rage that could be brought forth was spewed on us.  And there was also spewing back.  I feel sick and sad.

Right now, I don't know what my amends will be.  When he shoved and screamed at his own daughter, it was too much for me.  Enough said.  I am out of his life.  After all these years, it has come to this.  And his daughter, my wife, has also been ex-communicated, rubbed out, and hollowed out by all of this.

I have much processing of my reaction to do.  I am appalled at my own reptilian reaction.  That being said, I am somewhat relieved to no longer be a part of some tragic play where people are pretending that there is no elephant in the room.  Right now, all is calm because the elephant is in restraints.  Yet the echo of his rage is still ringing in my ears.

Time for some merciful sleep.

Surrender

I talked with a sponsee last night. He has separated from his wife, who is addicted to cocaine, crack and alcohol. The wife is in a local hospital's psych unit because she took a bunch of pills earlier in the week. After taking the pills, she called to tell him. And she blamed her suicide attempt on his filing for divorce. Nice.

Anyway, he is pretty much a mess and is still getting roped in by the master manipulations of the addict/alcoholic. She will call and ask to come back home. He says that he doesn't think that is a good idea. She will then say that she is going to stay clean and that her sobriety will go so much better if they get back together. He finds it hard to stay detached. Sigh.

He wants to know how I finally quit being roped in by the manipulations and repeated promises of the alcoholic. I told him that I finally was laid so low that I gave up my attempts to control or to believe that I could help her. In short, I surrendered. I knew that I was desperately sick myself and that I no longer thought that there was any hope for our relationship. I simply wanted to see if I could save myself. I wanted to live again.

He hears this but doesn't seem to be at the point yet that he is willing to work on his own insanity around the alcoholic/addict. She is still his higher power. He doesn't want to work the steps but calls me to unload when things get heavy. I told him that I found joy and a greater amount of happiness than I thought possible through working the steps. I trusted the process. I trusted my sponsor. And I learned to trust in a Higher Power.

I can only share how it worked for me. He will surrender when the pain becomes bad enough.

Tragedy

I was stunned to hear on the news about the shooting at the U.S. Holocaust Memorial and Museum. A guard died at the hands of an 88-year-old white supremacist.

The alleged shooter denied that the Holocaust ever occurred. His writings revealed a lifetime of seething anger against Jews and African-Americans.

When I visited the Museum in April, I felt that it was a sacred place. I felt that it was a place where commemoration, responsibility, reckoning and understanding came together.

It is hard to reconcile what happened yesterday with what the Museum represents: "A place of deep sadness and a sanctuary of bright hope" (President Clinton). I don't understand the motivation to hate to the point of killing. I don't know what was in the mind of this man. All I can do is send a prayer for the family of the victim, pray to let go of anger against the shooter, and leave the rest up to my Higher Power.

Spiritual cast net

It's shrimping season in the area and there are lots of people out in boats casting nets over bait for shrimp. What this means is that you can count on a lot more boats on the water and a lot more activity at night which is when the cast netting is done. It's hard to find a quiet spot for a mooring due to all the activity.

I liked what was said at the meeting tonight. One of my friends mentioned that when there are problems in life that come along that appear unmanageable, he throws out a spiritual cast net that surrounds the problem and let's God then pull in the net. It's a great vision and especially appropriate considering the activity on the waterways. I like to think that problems that I can't solve are the ones that I just let go of and give them to my Higher Power. It's my way of not trying to fix something that I can't and not trying to continue with the insanity of doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.

It was a really good weekend and nothing seemed unmanageable. I'm grateful for this program that helps me get better each day.

Relatives

I'm heading off tomorrow to visit some relatives in another state. I'm not particularly looking forward to this visit for several reasons. First, my cousin who is my closest living relative and who has been more like an older brother to me has terminal brain cancer. He has beaten the odds and is still living after two years from diagnosis; however, the quality of his life isn't good. The disease has reduced him from being a witty, bright, athletic person to someone who can't walk, has difficulty speaking, and doesn't make any sense when he does speak. So, I'm not sure whether this is going to be the last time I'll see him but I am sure that it will be difficult to see him as he now is.

Another difficulty of the visit is his wife who has turned to spirit healers for help. The healers have told her that five dead neurosurgeons are visiting my cousin and are working on his brain to restore it. They have replaced the plate in his head with a purple glowing shield. I am glad that she is consoling herself in some way but this all seems like huge denial to me. She has also decided to completely give up living a life and spends her entire day caring for my cousin. I will definitely have to practice my slogan of "Never miss an opportunity to keep your mouth shut" around her.

I've had generally crazy relatives. On my father's side, there were the alcoholics and on my mother's side there were the depressed people. I'm lucky that I don't drink and that I haven't had to be hospitalized for depression so far. Hopefully, I'll escape having to visit any of the remaining ones that are around as this visit is primarily to see my cousin. I'm sure that seeing him will be difficult but I feel a lot of compassion for him. I'm hoping that my HP gives me strength to get through this visit.

How do you explain insanity?

I've been listening to the news reports on the shooting at Virginia Tech. I know that there are lots of people out there who are on the brink of sliding completely into darkness. But how do you explain someone like this? Disturbed, insane, sick, suicidal are all words that come to mind. Whatever it was it became a horror show for many people.

In the face of the sadness that I feel inside, I think that I need to express my gratitude today for:

1. Waking up this morning still living and with a relatively sound mind and body
2. Believing that in the days and weeks ahead there will be some comfort for the loved ones of those slain
3. Never wanting to pick up a gun to shoot anything since I killed squirrels when I was a kid
4. Those individuals that I love who are safe and sound today
5. Having a meeting tonight
6. The fellowship in Al-Anon and AA that helps us face fears and resentments.

I can't say much else today. I'm just thinking about the parents and students and staff whose lives have been forever changed by a moment of insanity. I am hoping that there is peace and serenity for them soon.

Anxiety

Last night, I listened to a parent talk about anxiety. This wasn't your usual garden-variety form of hand wringing but a gut-wrenching anxiety that hits in the night and lasts until dawn. The question to the group was "What do you do to alleviate anxiety?" I thought back to those many nights that I would lie awake worrying about my work and the things that I had to do, worrying about my SO and what was going to happen to us, and worrying about my mother who had severe depression. Sometimes I would eventually fall asleep but mostly I would just obsess.

I know now that it was normal to obsess over these things because that was part of my codependency and dysfunction. I also think that it was related to my being caught up in drama and insanity. I would let FEAR (false evidence appears real) rule me and make me crazy. I also had to be perfect and not only succeed but exceed at everything that I did. There was nothing that I wouldn't take on because I knew that I could do the job and was really strong. How wrong I was!

I was a basket case filled with anger, resentment and self-pity. I wasn't taking on things because I wanted to, instead I was doing it to make myself feel better by getting approval. I desperately wanted to be loved and admired for doing so much.

Through the program of Al-Anon, I've learned that I don't have to be all things to all people. I only have to please myself and by keeping the focus on myself I can rid myself of the negative feelings. Some of the things that have helped me to keep anxieties at bay are:

1. Exercise--If I'm anxious or stuck in the muck, going for a run, getting outside, doing something that requires physical exertion really helps rid my mind of the garbage
2. Reading AA/Al-Anon literature--I keep books and daily readers by my bed so if I wake up in the night, I start reading which calms me down.
   
3. Going to meetings--I go to AA and Al-Anon meetings several times a week. These meetings keep me grounded in the program and give me hope.
4. Looking to my HP--When things are more than I can handle, I look to my Higher Power for guidance and to lift the burdens. Prayer and meditation are great ways to stop obsessing over something or someone that I'm trying to control.
   
5. Focusing on the moment--By not looking back or looking forward, I can think about the here and now. Even if I can only do this for a half hour, it may be enough to not let the "do loop" of anxiety get going in my head.
   
6. Call my sponsor and talk about my anxiety and the root of it. I'm fortunate to have a caring wise sponsor who doesn't mind listening when I'm not on the right path.
   
7. Revisiting the steps, especially steps 1-3. I know that I am powerless over people, places and things and am willing to turn my life over to my HP to steer me when I'm rudderless.
   

The things that I mention are those that I've found useful to get me through anxious moments. It's a lot better than facing the demons alone.

Slogans

Al-Anon has lots of slogans that help you to focus on working the program. One of my favorites is, "How important is it?". When I think about the years that I spent worrying, being anxious and busting a gasket over insignificant crap, I know now that none of it was really important. In the grand scheme of life, there aren't a lot of things that are really worth personal turmoil. The amount of energy that I wasted on criticism both of self and others, resentment, and a lot of other baggage never enhanced my life or anyone elses. Instead, I think that I just made myself more miserable and did absolutely nothing to make things any better in my marriage.

In fact, I think that all the resentment about drinking built up until I felt utterly defeated. How many times do you beat your head against a wall before your brains turn to mush? Sounds like insanity which according to the popular AA definition is "Taking the same action over and over again expecting different results." Insanity around drinking is also the inability to learn from past mistakes. For the alcoholic, that means that getting drunk over and over doesn't make anything better. There's still the hangover in the morning and the same bloodshot eyes staring back from the mirror. For the person affecting by someone elses drinking, it means that recriminations, badgering, self-pity, and anger because of the alcoholic won't make the disease go away--ever. Instead, it's better to detach from the situation and do something to help yourself.

That's where the idea of accepting powerlessness over alcohol comes in (Step One in AA and Al-Anon) and where you have to decide what's really important and what's not. If you accept that you didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it, then you've come a long way towards taking care of yourself.

At the meeting tonight, there was a lot of sharing on how to detach and to "live and let live". The bottom line is that you have to live your own life and stay out of the business of others. By doing that you can then get to the "let live" part where you allow others the dignity of making their own mistakes and finding their own way. Even if that way isn't your way, it's better to accept that others have their own ideas and personalities. After all, "how important is it?"