Making a list and amends

In Step 8, I had to make a list of the people I'd harmed. The guiding rule for this step has to be that they were harmed. But I've also read that they have to know that I've hurt them. If I made amends in Step 9 to someone I'd hurt in ways that they didn't know, then I would be harming them by trying to make amends. I think that the exception to this would be theft. But a basic thought in making amends is to do no harm.

In making amends, I have had to feel that the time was right. I needed to have some spiritual peace about making the amends. It's not something to rush into just for the need to get it done. Also, I didn't need to be too specific. The people I’ve harmed have a good idea of how I hurt them. There was no reason to hurt them all over again by dredging up the past. I needed to say that I know that I've hurt them. The most important thing I did when making an amend was to shut up and let the other person say what they needed to say. I had to be prepared to hear what they had to say.

The amends process is really about my healing. I hope that it helps the other person to heal but I can't make that happen. But it also isn't about my getting out of a jam--it's about my changing a behavior. I can only do that if I pray.

Helping the other person heal is a secondary gain of the amend. In order to get better, we have to follow up the consequences of our disease in the lives of other people. The Ninth Step is a step of faith-building and faith-developing. I had to go on faith because I didn't know how my amends would be taken with a couple of people. But whether they accept the amends or not, I felt prepared at the time because of being okay with myself and with my HP.

Inner child

It seems that because this is the eighth month there have been a lot of Step 8 meetings. Tonight's step study was about the eighth step: "Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all." Although the list comes largely from my step four list, there is also room for additions.

I think that one of the entities at the top of my list will be the little child within me. That child didn't get a good kind of nurturing growing up. The child tried hard to please but didn't get a lot of positive strokes back. That child was brave but often felt fearful and confused. Later that child got stifled in an attempt to be grown up, perfect and organized. The child within also hid when confrontations occurred, lashed out when cornered, and cried when in pain.

So first on my list will be I. I know how I can now make amends to me for not really living my life to the fullest over the years and for not forgiving myself for the past. From now on, I am taking good care of that inner child. I'm thankful for a program that helps me to realize that I'm never too old or too worn down to listen to the voice within and make amends.