Asking for what I need

When I was going to a therapist to try to understand why I felt so rotten and unhappy, I was told to be assertive and ask for what I need. I've read that one of the things that fosters co-dependence is not having needs met as a child. I certainly had the material things but emotionally I know that there was something missing. I think that my father was emotionally distant and perhaps gave me a message that I needed to "suck it up". Somehow along the way I learned that expressing and asking for what I needed wasn't a good idea.

In my close relationships, I have historically depended on the other person to give me things that I need such as attention and love. I have had expectations that these things will be there--and in some ways I have taken these for granted. But these expectations have bred unbelievable frustration when I don't get what I want. I have blamed the other person for not "delivering". When I was in therapy, the concept of asking for what I needed seemed so foreign. What I thought was, "I don't need to ask. You should know what I need." What I have since learned is that I need to speak up and ask in order to improve my relationship with others.

It has taken quite a bit of work to quit expecting others to read my mind and to openly talk about my needs. This involves the assumption that I can ask but not get my way. There are compromises that occur. And in doing so, I learn that what I want doesn't align necessarily with what others want. This has helped to deepen my compassion and to see the opinions of others are as important to them as mine are to me.

The dynamics are different between men and women. My wife has told me that as a young girl she was told to obey her father and to respect authority figures. That's not much different from how I was raised. But I also learned to stuff my feelings and to deny them. The pain that I felt had to be hidden. It wasn't until much later that I learned to put feelings into words. And by doing that I became fully engaged with others. To this day though, I still feel a bit clumsy when sharing the deep personal stuff in a group. I can do it with my sponsor but for some reason it seems too raw to be put out there for the entire fellowship to see. I guess a part of me still wants to keep the pain hidden.

It's also easy for me to replay the old tapes that others should be able to know my needs. And sometimes my asserting what I need may seem selfish when it's really about understanding how I fit in with the rights and responsibilities of those around me. I now seek a balanced approach in which I embrace what I need and can express my hope and dreams.

Thanksgiving memories

It is hard to believe that Thanksgiving is almost here. I have written before that it is my favorite holiday. This year the holiday coincides with our wedding anniversary.

I've written about our small but happy wedding celebration in an earlier post. We never had a real honeymoon. We had a weekend away from graduate studies and then went back to work. We were dedicated, in love, and poor back then.

At that time we lived in a little concrete block house that we rented. We could not get the furnace to work properly so we froze during those cold Virginia winters. We used to warm the house with the oven. When not at the laboratory, we spent a lot of time under the covers.

For our first anniversary I gave C. a dark blue tablecloth. She gave me a nice flannel shirt. We cooked a special dinner together along with a pitcher of strawberry daiquiris. C. drank the entire pitcher.

After having the nice dinner, she went into the bathroom and threw it up. After that I helped her to bed. That's when the fun really started. As I came around to my side of the bed, I saw a face pressed against the window glass. I yelled out and ran out the front door into the snow in my underwear.

I chased the fellow but without shoes my feet were nearly frozen. So I came back in and called the sheriff. The peeping Tom turned out to be a neighbor's teenage son who had been caught before peeping in windows.

My yelling at seeing the peeper scared C. In her cups, she thought I was yelling at her! It was not the way I thought our first anniversary would be. Those expectations got me even back then.

We finished graduate school, moved out of the little house, packed up and moved to another state. It seems like a lifetime ago now. We have had good and bad times and have had life get in the way of so many things.

But I remain filled with love for her. I feel a lot of comfort now. It may not be the giddy excitement of being newly wed, but it is a good feeling. And I don't think that there will be any daiquiris or peepers (except maybe the squirrels) this year. But every year we set the table with the old blue tablecloth and often fix the same meal that we had all those years ago. It just seems like a memory worth smiling about.

Intuition

I awoke to rain hitting on the roof of the boat. There is a raw northeast wind blowing. I have read a few blogs today and got a lot out of what Pam wrote.

I asked a sponsee to go to a couple of meetings a week since he hasn't been to one in over two weeks. His reply was that he didn't want to become dependent on Al-anon. His intuition told him that he needed to take care of himself and rest and not drive 20 minutes to get to a meeting. I asked if his intuition had ever been off. He said that it was always right.

There are many ways to vary how this program works. I have done that myself but without progress toward recovery. I realize that I can't tell another how to work the program. I can say what works for me. Next week I start work with two more new sponsees. That is something that I enjoy. I so like when light dawns in their eyes.

I wish that all could see that life is filled with twists and turns but there can be so much joy. My path is much smoother because of this program. I am most grateful for having a great sponsor who is willing to remind me of what the program teaches. He is willing to let me work through what I must. Eventually I get back on track. I am thankful for being willing to do that. That is God's grace in my life.

I am hoping that you are having a good Sunday.

Laws

THis must have been written by a pessimist, but it is so true...

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

12. The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Friday on the boat

It is a beautiful day here. Blue sky, sunshine sparkling on the water. I took today off from work to be out on the boat. Tomorrow may bring rain but today I'm going to enjoy the beach and the sun,

We had a good breakfast of sausage with gravy and biscuits. I never eat like this at home. Then we walked for over a mile to gather firewood for a campfire tonight.

Today finds me glad to be able to not hang on to self pity. I have begun to feel stronger and willing to let God take care of something that bugged me for a few days. My sponsor has told me that I need to take care of my head, heart, and soul. I think those things are best renewed out here.

I will get to evertone's blog as soon as I'm back home. Until then, have a good Friday.

13th stepping

I was talking to a sponsee today about how much resentment he has that his girlfriend who is in AA is being hit on by old timers in the program. We talked a bit about "Thirteenth-stepping" which is a euphemistic term used to refer to those people who target new, more vulnerable members (typically women) for dates or sex.

The sponsee thinks that there is a lot of sexual predation in AA. I read that a research study described the frequency of various 13th-stepping experiences in a sample of women involved in AA. Fifty-five women, aged 17-72 years, completed an anonymous survey to describe their experiences with 13th-stepping by men in AA. Results showed that at least 50% of the participants had at least occasionally experienced seven of the thirteen 13th-stepping behaviors listed in the survey. Also, compared to women who had never attended a female-only AA group, women who had attended such groups reported more 13th-stepping experiences from their attendance at coed groups. Two of the study participants volunteered that men they met in AA had raped them.

The character defects that show themselves aren't really surprising to me. I have been to enough bars to see that drinking and trying to hook up are coexisting behaviors. And when the booze is put down, the bar room behavior may continue. Character defects, some more glaring than others, abound in each of us. How vulnerable people are though when they first come into a recovery program and that people take advantage of that is something I find pretty sick.

I don't think that this behavior is unique to AA by any means. I remember reading an article in which men looking for easy sex were told to go troll Al-Anon meetings. The idea was that the women there were needy and would give them the hottest sex of their lives if shown the slightest affection. Vulnerability hurts enough on its own. Hopefully, there is some kind of "gatekeeper" who sees this action happening (such as a sponsor) and gently guides the person to safer waters away from the sharks.

I suggested to the sponsee that just because people belong to 12 step programs doesn't mean that they are cured of alcoholism and all that it entails. (I think of Bill W. as an example of one who traded one addiction for another). It just means that the masks being worn may be changed frequently.

Some thoughts late in the day

It's really late for me to be posting. But there were a few things that I needed to go over in my day as it comes to a close.

This nightly inventory is something that I have done now for quite a while. I go back over my day, what I have done, who I was with and what happened.

So here is what happened today. This morning I had discussions with a few of those people who will be assuming my projects and duties when I retire. This has been a lot tougher to deal with than I thought. For some reason it feels as if the "lots have been cast" on my career. I know that this was inevitable. Still there is a sense of sadness that after so many years of working here, I am now in a transition mode with my staff as the clock winds down towards my retirement.

I decided to clear my head and went down to the boat at noon. Even though the boat was at the dock, just having her back in the water after haul out last week feels good. Her bottom has been painted and her electrical system was checked over. I just needed to be down there and gently rocked for a couple of hours. I felt the presence of God as he enveloped me in peace.

I sat on the floor when I came home and tried to get my old dog to eat something. She had a choice of stewed chicken, some beef, salmon or cat food. She picked the cat food and ate two cans. I feel that I can sleep peacefully knowing that she has a will to live for at least another day. I know that her time is near. I'm just not ready to let her go.

I have come to terms today with compromises that I have made recently. I am willing to let go of someone who has breached my trust but yet I still hold that person close in my mind and heart. I pray for wisdom to deal with my defect that allows me to give another chance to someone who most likely isn't deserving. I am striving to grow in understanding. And to not let myself become lost in the tragic decisions of another.

I think that today was a good example of what this program has done for me: I can get through difficulties without anger and resentment; I can feel compassion and love where trust has been broken, and I can feel pain and loss but still have hope.

Sick as your secrets

"You're only as sick as your secrets
The things you keep inside
The stories so awful, so hurtful ~ YOU think
The ones you choose to hide
The feelings you wall off and keep at bay
The past you regret each and every day
The memories you wish would never be
The stuff you hope no one ever sees
You're only as sick as your secrets
The longer you hide them you'll find
They'll rob you of joy and sanity
They'll drive you right out of your mind
They'll keep you from living life to the full
They'll tug at your heart, push and pull
You apart ~ like a puzzle, piece by piece"

I have heard that we're only as sick as our secrets. I've been wondering about what secrets have done in my life. I know that I tried to keep a secret about my father's drinking when I was younger. And in my marriage I did what I could to keep it a secret that my wife drank and that we had problems in our marriage. For some illogical ego-driven reason, I wanted us to be the "perfect" couple.

I can remember that when we first moved to our current jobs many years ago, I thought that this would be a chance to have a "new" life. We could "start" over. Now I know that the geographic cure only is temporary and that wherever I go, I bring myself.

I felt a tremendous safeness when I did my fifth step. It was the first time that I had unburdened and loosened up all the secrets. I realize that every day I can speak truth because when I believed Step Two, I believed that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. I have had to come to the realization yet again that sanity for me means that I let others think and do whatever they need to think and do. It's none of my business.

I never let anyone do anything to me that I wasn't complicit about. I went along with the program. I let the alcoholics hurt me, take my self esteem lower, leave my mind in turmoil. That was done with all my cooperation.

I know and do believe that living a spiritual life is necessary for me to regain my self. Honesty is a huge part of this program. Being honest is not an easy thing to do sometimes, it can be frightening, and sometimes painful. But without it I will not only hurt those I care about but will hurt myself worse. When I chose to do the steps, I looked forward to getting rid of secrets and to break the logjam in my head that told me to keep things to myself.

But what do I do when others in my life decide that they want to hold onto their secrets? I suppose that the fairy tales that I read have led me to believe that if I share my innermost thoughts to another, then they would do the same with me. The secrets are really a barrier that prevents closeness, enhances inadequacy, and keeps me selfish.

My own self-disclosure was humbling. But just as I am powerless over alcoholism, reality is that even those closest to me don't have to tell me their secrets just because I want them to.

There are people that I love who have left a mark on me that hasn't gone away. They have provided a mirror on my own being so that when I looked in their eyes I found parts of myself. And then there are those who I haven't seemed to connect with or engage my being with no matter how much I stayed open or made them feel safe. And now I wonder what they needed and if they will ever find it anywhere. I think that those are the people with whom I only received a tiny piece of their being and will look back and wonder what if they had given more.

What I do know is that we aren't so different from each other. It's just that somewhere one person is willing to step up at a crucial moment and break the silence, share the secrets, and become whole. I don't want to be the one alone who suffers in silence.

I still think that my relationship would become more open if others were willing to share their painful secrets. I now know that secrets have kept me sick for a long time. Being willing to listen, share and be well is a better option.

. . in silence might be the privilege of the strong, but it was certainly a danger to the weak. For the things I was prompted to keep silent about were nearly always the things I was ashamed of, which would have been far better aired . . .
—Joanna Field

Acorns and warm puppies

I am nursing a cold today and stayed home. I was supposed to go to a work meeting in NC but decided that others from the institute can deal with going to the meeting. This cold has more or less whipped my butt today.

The acorns have been falling from the trees and they make a loud banging sound as they bounce on the roof over the porch and on the deck outside the bedroom window. I like the sound that they make. It means that the squirrels and deer will have a lot of food for winter. Today the temperature is near 74, so I'm not sure that when winter will arrive as we are still in Indian summer.

My old heart dog isn't eating well so later this afternoon we will take her to the vet to be checked over. I think that she has another bladder infection. Her kidneys haven't been very healthy for the last year. I get very sad at the thought of losing this old girl who has been such a part of our lives for 14 years. I'm hoping that some IV fluids and antibiotics will help to get her appetite to increase.

On Sunday, I went over to a friend's house to see my old girl's great grand puppies. They were really cute. They ran around and were happy babies. It does me good to know that these little bundles of fur are part of a legacy of good dogs. There is nothing much better than holding a warm puppy. The acorns haven't fallen too far from the old oak tree it appears.

I am making the best of today. I hope that you are also.

Spiritual Power

I listened to a speaker at a meeting yesterday who touched my heart. I am convinced that God was speaking through him. I've heard speakers before who have spoken convincingly but somehow what they said seemed to be ego driven. Instead what I heard from this fellow was purely spiritual and so inspiring.

I know that I have a power to accomplish things in life but having spiritual power isn't about accomplishing something or using force of will. Instead it's about surrendering my will. I have to work on my spiritual power because there are times when I still think that I can work at living by my sheer energy and force of ego.

I have read that spiritual power means that I have come to the realization that the visible world is part of a much greater spiritual world. Having spiritual power means that I see God in each person and thing, that I feel compassion and caring for others, and I do my best to live by God's will and not mine.

I think the practice of the Twelve Steps enabled me to see that all I had to do was to let the God of my understanding into my life. And by doing that my Higher Power showed me that I didn't have to stay miserable. I could begin to truly set my mind and spirit free.

I don't remember the moment when this occurred. It wasn't a specific epiphany but it was a gradual process in which my thinking began to change. I began to let go of judgment, selfishness, guilt, and even my fears have lessened since being in Al-Anon. I have heard that EGO means edging God out. That was what I used to do. I still want to tell God my will for him and what to do to carry it out, but that means of thinking fails me miserably.

And what I heard from the fellow speaking yesterday was that he had the spiritual power. It made an extraordinary difference in his life. He spoke of learning about love and giving love to others. And because of the spiritual power that seemed to be in his life, he had freedom from fear, love and tolerance of others, and could respond to life without self-pity. He spoke of service to others in which he received much more than he ever gave.

I have seen this over time with my sponsees. I see them struggle and I put out a hand to steady them. But it is God who has His hand on me.

I haven't had any time to post today. This morning was a department meeting where we discussed another budget shortfall. I'm grateful that all my projects are fiscally sound and my staff are will be maintained.

This afternoon I drove to the upstate to attend a rehearsal dinner for a couple getting married tomorrow. I tried to remember all the excitement and nervousness that I felt the day before our wedding. We didn't have a fancy wedding. I guess it cost all of $300. We were married at my parents house so my 90 year old grandmother could attend. And the biscuit timer went off during the ceremony. A neighbor baked the wedding cake. My father gave us money for a down payment on a house as a present.

I don't think either one of us regretted not having a big wedding. And we have outlasted many who spent thousands on one. I wish this couple a long and happy life together. And hopefully they will have patience and understanding to carry them through the rough spots.

Listen and learn

It's another wild and windy day here. The Harbor had been whipped into a frenzy by strong north east gusts. It's another day to stay inside, sit by a fire, read a book and nap. But that's just in my fantasy today because I'm at work.

I'm glad that I got moving and went to the noon meeting. The topic today was "listen and learn". There were a lot of good shares. It seems that I hear what I need at just the time that I need it.

I know that I'm a good listener. In fact, I prefer to listen rather than talk. I listened over and over to what the alcoholics in my life told me--"I love you and won't do this again." "I am so sorry to have hurt you." "You do know that I love you." I listened to all these words and believed them. I believed them because that seemed to be so much easier than the alternative of reality.

Today I still listen, but I have a filter for the words. I believe that actions speak louder than words and that deeds provide the truth. I have learned a lot since being in Al-Anon. The words spoken in meetings are something that I can think about, try out, and see how they fit.

Every word that comes out of a person's mouth may have the intent of truth. I still want to believe what people tell me. But now I hear what's spoken and then see what my gut reaction is. I listen to the voice within. And when I'm out in Nature, I listen to the voices that God has provided. They speak through the wind blowing, waves crashing, leaves rustling, bird songs, and other sounds of God's creations. I hear more truth in them than I do in many human utterances.