God things

I am bone tired today. I don't think that I have caught up from the weekend. Sailing all day, reading and studying at night and then getting up early to repeat the schedule for 3 days has taken its toll. I think that my body is telling me to rest. So I'm going to take a few hours and do that this morning.

Fortunately, I'm happy with nothing heavy on my mind. I went to my home group meeting last night and did the meeting on Tradition Seven. You know I love those traditions in the program. I used to yawn when they were read. Someone once made a comment that they really used the traditions, and I thought, "How?". It wasn't until I came to understand them in the context of relationships with others that I knew how valuable they were. And that was one of the shares last night--a lady saying that she only thought the traditions were about the group. Isn't the program God inspired when what is written can be applied in every aspect of life--"in all our affairs"?

It's a lovely grey overcast day today. There was a lot of rain last night. And maybe more on the way today. A heavy oak limb came down in the yard while my wife was out with the dogs. She said that it missed her by about six feet. I was so glad that she is okay and told her that God has other plans for her. She said, "No, I'm just lucky." She still resists the concept of a Higher Power. I can't do anything about that. I know that my HP is active in my life. And that has been made evident in so many ways.

Now I'm going to put away the computer and sleep for a couple of hours. I'll then go into work. I'm grateful for having an abundance of sick leave and a great job. And for a meeting tonight that is always a good one.

Have yourselves a good day.

Overthinking

I passed my cruising certification with a good dose of humility. The practical part was relatively easy, but the written test was more difficult. I think that I have always over thought questions, even when I was taking tests in college and graduate school. I tend to see the question from different angles, second guess myself and get hung up.

It's been over a year since I took any kind of test (the first sailing certification test last year). Maybe my brain just doesn't work as well as it used to but when faced with multiple choice questions, I tend to go into over analysis. And the questions I missed were ones that I over thought.

I tend to do that over thinking with a lot of things in life. I certainly have over thought relationships and second guessed the meaning behind words and actions: She said "A" but maybe she really means "B". You know that kind of thinking that drives me and everyone else nuts. It's the "what if" scenarios that I'm setting up and reading more into something than is there. In short, as my father would say, I'm making things difficult for myself. Over thinking doesn't give me any clarity but instead clogs my thinking with negativity.

And then there is the "This sounds right and looks right so I'm just going to do it" kind of thinking. It means that I move ahead and devil take the hind most. It doesn't work that well on tests either as I'm either not reading the question right or am rushing through and not thinking clearly. This approach leaves many wrong turns in life and wrong answers on tests.

I think that the best thinking comes in the context of reality when I don't necessarily follow totally along logical lines but "gestalt" things a bit and keep my head and heart in alignment. I'm just thankful I don't have to take any more tests anytime soon!

"Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind.
Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must
feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines."
lyrics from Tool off Lateralus.

Heard in a meeting

When you're choosing a sponsor, choose someone that you will listen to and trust.

If you don't read the books for yourself, you are totally at the mercy of what is said at meetings.

Control is linked to fear. When I try to control, then I am forgetting that I have a Higher Power.

Al-Anons are the Ninjas of control. We can scent out control better than a blood hound.

Cruising

I'm completing some more course work to receive additional sailing certifications this weekend. Although I'm not on my boat, I'm on a 38 ft. Catalina. It has an entirely different feel to it.

Yesterday, we worked on diesel engines, docking, sail trim, and handling in close quarters. I have to say that I enjoy this a lot. But I also enjoy being on my boat where I can relax. Instead, being in a class means that I am a student again. It's a good lesson in humility and an opportunity to put my ego on the back burner.

It's funny how the competitive side of me comes up when I'm around others in a class. I have had to be very aware of that as I find myself wanting to make some suggestions about how to handle the lines and tie up the boat.

But I've decided that it's time for me to put a lid on it, listen, and absorb what I'm told. I'm the student now and not the teacher.

I'm sharing here one of my favorite photos of the Romanian crew on board the tall ship Mircea. They are all standing on the yardarms, ready to set the sails. Their grace and balance is inspiring.

Hope that you are having a great Saturday.

F.I.N.E.

When I first started this blog, I was of a mind that the title would reflect what I was feeling most of the time. When anyone would ask, I would say that I was "fine".

In reality I was anything but that. In Al-Anon, I learned that feeling FINE actually meant that I was f'd up, insecure, neurotic and emotional. That sure seemed to be a good descriptor of what I was like and had felt most of my life.

I received an email from a lady who was reading this blog. She said that she had some up with a new phrase for F.I.N.E. And she wanted to share it with me....Finally Internalizing Normal Emotions. She wrote that living that phrase was a goal and a challenging one at that.

It is a challenge to finally internalize "normal" emotions. I'm glad that I'm learning how to do exchange my resentment, anger, fear and sadness for acceptance, hope, courage and joy. In fact, if asked, you might actually get to hear how I'm doing! I have many more days now when I can honestly say that I'm "great", "happy", "glad to be alive", or "doing well". I guess that I'm really starting to feel "fine".

What to say?

It was a nice day yesterday with the students. At first I was wondering what was going to spur their interest as they seemed half asleep on the boat ride to the island. But after they were on the beach, they seemed to catch fire with questions.

Several told me that they had never been to a beach before. That was something that surprised me. But it made me think about all that I do take for granted as being accessible.

The good times of the day were overshadowed by learning that the husband of a colleague had killed himself. He evidently had a problem with alcohol and depression. He had sobered up, gotten a new job and was doing well until this past weekend when some old drinking buddies came to town. I'm not sure of the circumstances surrounding his death but do know that he shot himself and was found by my colleague.

I just finished writing a note to her. I sat and stared at the paper for about a half and hour. I had no idea what to write. I tried to imagine the horror of finding someone I loved dead by their own hand. My colleague is questioning whether she could have done more, seen the signs, prevented it. She hasn't tried to smooth this over at work but has told people that it was suicide and not an accident. I think that is incredibly brave.

So I sat and thought how didn't know that kind of pain. I don't have that vision of death etched in my head. I don't have thoughts of what I might have done to change circumstances.

But I do know now that there is nothing that I can do to prevent what another person is determined to do. And that as much as I would like to go back in a time machine and re-do some things, I can't do that either.

I am glad that the thoughts that I once had during my darkest days are no longer with me. I have chosen to live this life. I know now how great life is and that each day I have an opportunity to do something with it and experience both the pleasure and the pain.

" When we give up that one final controlling maneuver, we may find ourselves freer to live in this one irretrievable life we've been given." from Touchstones

on a barrier island today

This is going to be a "blort" post. I'm leaving in a few minutes to do an outreach program on barrier island ecology for 55 college students. And the island is my favorite spot: the weekend boat anchorage.

There will be a lot to discuss such as erosion, accretion, wave dynamics, vegetation and critters who make the barrier island home. And I'll bring up how important barrier islands are as protection for the mainland during storms.

Anyway, just a gratitude list for today. I'm grateful for:

• Living on the coast where there is a delicate balance of conservation and population growth.
• Keeping my own life in balance through the program of recovery
  
• Looking for solutions instead of focusing on problems
• Having a day to be out of the office and in the fresh air on my favorite beach. It doesn't get any better.
  
• Sharing some information with young people who may remember a few words that will make a difference at some part in their life

Have a good Wednesday.

Overcast

I don't have much to write about today. I'm still tired. I feel as if I need to sleep for a full day. Every night I have the intention of getting to sleep by 10 PM but instead I get lost in reading or going through blogs. So I'll stay up until closer to midnight and then feel beat up in the morning. By Thursday, all of this seems to catch up with me, but the fatigue has come on earlier this week.

The litter on the island generated quite a bit of news locally. Most beaches in this area ban alcohol. I'm not sure how I feel about that as the island where I go is only accessible by boat and is a place where dogs can run and people have a good time.

One part of me thinks that banning alcohol there would be a good thing, while another part of me says that without enforcement, bans never work. And that if people want to drink, I can't stop that. I guess that I don't want to be the arbiter of anyones drinking conduct either.

It is a grey, humid day here. I like the greyness but dislike the humidity. At least there is a breeze blowing but during the summer, the breeze is like a hot breath. I will be out of the office tomorrow for field work that will last most of the day. But it will be welcome change, no matter what the weather. I am always grateful that I get paid to do the work that I do.

Tonight is a meeting which will be good. It will be another late night though, as the meeting doesn't get out until 9 PM. No matter. There will be time to rest up this weekend.

I'm hoping that your Tuesday is going well. It's a good day here in Paradise.

Tired Monday

The July 4 celebration at the island was over the top. There were probably close to 400 boats and well over a thousand people on the beach.

I've tried to capture the scene here, but it's really hard to realize just how much drinking was going on unless you were there.

On Sunday, what was left on the beach was close to a ton of trash. I did the best that I could to pick up and consolidate the beer cans, liquor bottles, pieces of clothing, and coolers that were left. But it was a nearly impossible job.

I worked for over three hours in the morning and then decided that I needed to get others to help. I called the local Waterkeeper and he came out to give a hand, along with a news crew from the local network. Another friend who has a large pontoon boat came out and after hauling trash from the beach in a cart, it was all loaded on his boat to be carried to another location where it could be loaded into trucks.

I am tired from all of this today. I didn't think that so many young people would care so little about a place that I think is beautiful. It's a privilege to be able to walk that beach, and it has become a really special place to me. On Saturday it looked like a giant frat party. And on Sunday, it looked like a land fill.

Do you remember the commercial in which the Native American cried because of all the litter? Well, that was how I felt on Sunday.

At least the island was clean when we left. And I think that I heard it sigh happily as we sailed away near dark. Or maybe it was just the wind and waves.

Happy birthday to US

Today is Independence Day. It's the 233nd anniversary of the declaration of independence by the thirteen United States of America. If you haven't read the Declaration in totality, you might want to give it a look. I especially found the following statement interesting:

"But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security."

Many of us have been bedeviled by a "long train of abuses and usurpations". And we are working to throw them off...every day.

It will be fun to watch fireworks tonight in celebration of the country's birthday. I'll have a prime spot to watch the fireworks from the sail boat.

I'm sure that it's going to be a zoo on the water. The marine law enforcement staff will be out patrolling and looking for people that are too impaired to operate a boat.

I've never understood why the Fourth of July has always evoked images of drunken barbecuing and massive parties. It has a lot more meaning than grilling hotdogs and drinking beer.

I hope that you enjoy this day and the meaning that it has for you.

Listen

We are off on the boat today. Everything is packed for several days. I thought that the following is a good summation of the frustration that can come from giving advice. I have always liked the idea that Al-Anon isn't about giving advice but about sharing our E, S, and H.

Have a great fourth. I'll post photos of the fireworks and beach adventures when I get a chance.
Stay safe.
_______________________________________________________
When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving advice, you have not done what I asked. When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way you are trampling on my feelings. When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as that may seem.

Listen! All I asked was that you listen not talk or do-just hear me.

Advice is cheap: 25 cents will get you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper. And I can do for myself, I'm not helpless Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and weakness. But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and can get about the business of understanding what's behind this irrational feeling.

And when that's clear, the answers are obvious and I don't need advice.

Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what's behind them.

So, please listen and just hear me. And, if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn; and I'll listen to you.

Anonymous

Thursday thanks

This has seemed like a long week. Thankfully, today is the last day of the work week for me. I have tomorrow off. I'm staying in the day but also looking forward to a few days off.

Other than work today, I plan to go to the noon meeting. I'm meeting my wife afterwards to run an errand for the house. This evening, a friend is coming by to visit.

I plan on going on the boat. The fireworks for the July 4 celebration will be held about 500 yards from where the boat is docked. It's always a spectacular show. I remember going with my parents to see the fireworks when I was a kid. The fireworks shows of today are much bigger and more elaborate. I'll probably buy a few rockets to take with us so that we can have a little show on the island where we anchor the boat.

It's been hotter than a firecracker this week. And it looks like the heat wave will continue through the weekend. I don't think that there is any rain in the forecast until Sunday. And this is just early July. The garden is doing well because of an irrigation system. And the vegetables have been great. The corn crop got shared with the raccoons but that's okay. They have to eat too.

I don't have much else to share except some gratitude:

• I'm grateful for an invigorating row last night. We were bucking the wind and tide for over an hour and a half. The cheers from the tourists always help motivate when the muscles are straining.
  
• I'm thankful for those people in my life who are there when I need to talk. Yesterday, I contacted a few of you and you were there.
• I'm grateful for not disliking or hating anyone today. My capacity for acceptance seems to increase in proportion to my gratitude.
  
• I'm glad to be able to let go of a resentment yesterday by speaking my truth, looking at my part, and then moving on.
  
• I'm glad that I can disengage from the news and go read a good book. I'm tired of the media's fascination with the macabre.
  

Have a good Thursday.