I've downloaded a lot of the speakers from Sobercasting.org (thanks Irish for that link) and have been listening to them on my IPod as I make the drive to and from my work. Some of them are excellent and have incredibly compelling stories. I've found myself very absorbed with not only the humor but the terrific pain that is expressed. Every one has had a terrific message that has made me feel as well as think. The feelings that well up are powerful, and I find myself so grateful to be part of a program that has helped me grow spiritually and emotionally.
I'm planning to provide information about some of the topics discussed and the stories told. I'm not exactly sure when I'll get these posted because the sessions run really late. I don't think that I've ever been to a conference where a speaker comes on at 10:30. Anyway, maybe they are saving the best until last.
Last night, I thought a lot about my own newness to my program. Before I could even realize what was happening, I was tripping down memory lane and into the black hole of self-pity. I once again felt unloved, uncertain, and filled with the desire to just run away. Give it all up and go live on a boat and sail to some other place. Then I remembered that all the same baggage would be right there dragged along with me. I'd still be taking me along. So, I got busy with moving my mind onto something besides my self-flagellation, got out on the water and met up with some buddies from the rowing club, and then went home to do some work around the house. I also got a good night's sleep which really helps. This morning I feel much better and out of the dark place. I'm learning ways to get myself out of the hole when I fall in. Last year, at this time, I would have been lost.
When I find myself rethinking old behaviors or erecting those barriers that I built to protect the character defects that made me feel comfortable, I'm in trouble. By taking my own personal inventory, I can work to get myself out of the hole.
Just for today: I will adjust myself to what is,
and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will
take my *luck* as it comes, and fit myself into it.
and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will
take my *luck* as it comes, and fit myself into it.
You are so right about adjusting ourselves...I suffer from depression, if I allow myself to, I can get sucked back into that deep dark hole filled with despair, and ultimately booze and drugs. Like you though, my program allows me to make better choices today- and for that I am grateful.
ReplyDeleteHUGS
Have a GREAT time at the roundup. FUN FUN FUN Wish I was there!! I love the excitment and energy in the air when we come together.
ReplyDeleteOOOH I fall into morbid reflection, I have gotten a lot better at recognizing it for what it, and uaully its just my disease still out to get me. You did the right thing and change your mind and focus on something else. Hvae a great time at the roundup
ReplyDeleteRoundups are very, very powerful for me, Syd. I get really charged with all of those emotions I blogged about the other day. They are hugely spiritual experiences for me.
ReplyDeleteYou are really working this thing and I appreciate being able to follow your growth.
Peace,
Scout
I was coming to give you a hard time about your HNT photo... but you didnt post it here... awweee... Hope you have a good time ; )
ReplyDelete"I once again felt unloved, uncertain, and filled with the desire to just run away. Give it all up and go live on a boat and sail to some other place."
ReplyDeleteThat's really cool in my opinion. when I get a new 'step one moment,' it can feel very overwhelming. there is SO much work to do! makes you want to hide under the duvet!
DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED.
I think that its very promising that you are feeling this way because it tells me you have a much more realistic assessment of the work that is required of us to get well.
The people I worry about are the arrogant ones who think they will have the whole thing 'sewn up' at some point and that they will end up with the answers to everything, and uncertainty will be a thing of the past.
Not so!
Uncertainty is actually very promising. I think. I love the U2 Zooropa lyrics when I am outside my comfort zone exploring uncharted territories.
It reassures me and helps me see a constancy amid the ever changing and frequently unknown landscapes.
You're doing very well in my ? Opinion. (Not that it matters). If anything you might be trying too hard. Who knows. But the bottom line is that you do not need to impress anyone. I have yet to reach a point where I feel secure in the knowledge I have gained. The more you know, the more you see how much else there is to be understood. So the moment of certainty never arrives.
Getting used to uncertainty instead of arrogantly 'taking a position' takes a bt of work, and never really gets to feel 'comfortable'. But who said reality was supposed to be 'comfortable'. Reality just doesn't exist in the comfort zone. Its much more challenging than that. But there are lots of wonderful moments along the way, where bits of the jigsaw fall into place and we experience the love and fellowship of the people we meet on the way. So its not that bad!
Have a GREAT time at the roundup! God speaks to us through people and it will be interesting to see what he says to you this weekend!
Hope you are having a great time at the round up.
ReplyDelete