In writing the sex relations part of my Fourth Step, I started thinking back over the past romantic relationships. I've been thinking since I wrote the names down and what I did and what harms I caused, that many of those relationships were just part of the lessons in life. I wanted to find out what it was like to be with someone and to share things with them. I wanted to have sex and experiment with all that entails. I don't necessarily see that as a bad thing but it is a lesson and part of the drive that keeps us going. And it is an enormously powerful biological drive.
Tangled up in all of that are expectations both from me and from the other person. Some of those expectations are fueled by the culture that surrounds us. There were the fairy tales that we all knew about with Prince Charming. There was also the music that I listened to that went on and on about love and having a relationship. I may be an AC/DC type of guy but every rocker seems to have love and sex as favorite lyrics. Then there are also all the TV shows and the movies that have couples promising undying love to each other. It's hard not to become obsessed with love and make the person you love your Higher Power.
I know that when I met my SO, I was addicted. It wasn't hard to be and it was as potent as any other addiction. I didn't have a very good foundation from which to learn that making another person your HP wasn't a good idea. Growing up with parents who displayed very little outward affection for each other made me wonder about love and relationships. I never saw my parents kiss or hug each other. I know that they loved each other but it just seemed hard to imagine them having sex. They seemed so disinterested.So I didn't have much of a foundation from which to understand that the idea of having to have someone else to complete me wasn't real. Now I realize that the romantic notions about relationships was something that I concocted in my search for finding love. Making someone else my HP sets me up for all kinds of expectations that really doom the relationship. I know now that being in a relationship takes work. There are good times and there are times that are very painful and sad. If the painful and sad outweigh the good times though, there is something wrong. There are no guarantees about whether a relationship is going to last either. Sometimes, it just dissolves because people change and move on to some other plane.
I've learned from many relationships, both good and bad, that no other person can be my HP. And I've learned that nothing lasts forever when people are involved. A valuable lesson is to look back at the relationships that didn't last or that weren't good and from that I find out what a good relationship is. These are the lessons that I've learned.