Friday, August 17, 2007

Being honest in our program

How many times have you gone to a meeting or just met with some friends and they'll ask, "How are you?" At a meeting, the people are ready to hear the real truth whether it's good or bad. On the outside world though, there are people who remove themselves from you mentally and sometimes physically when you tell the truth. They don't want to hear that you're miserable, sad, angry, or otherwise generally a mess. I have to laugh when I say, "Oh, I'm just fine (or F.I.N.E.)" because there can be a double meaning.

I generally don't want to socialize with people outside the program when I feel down. It's because I don't want to drag them down or be a damper on the situation. And it's also because I want to tell the truth but the truth will be hard for them to take. At a meeting though, it's okay for me to be just the way that I am. That's one of the wonders of the program. We can tell it like it is without any fear of reprisal or recriminations.

As I noted in an earlier post, I'm having a hard time with being honest in my marriage. I don't want to hurt my wife but know that if I tell her the truth right now, it will be very painful for both of us. The truth is that while I love her, I'm not in love; although she is a fine person and loves me a lot, I need to spend time away from her. I know that this hurts and baffles her. I know that she wants me at home with her and not off on adventures. And knowing these things, makes me feel a lot of compassion and desire not to hurt her.

My sponsor says that the answer will come in time and that my HP will guide me as I move toward a solution. I'm not sure what I want the solution to be, so for today I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing. I'm going to live my life to the fullest that I can. I'm going to ask my HP to help me see a clear path and walk down it. And I'm going to ask my HP to watch over my wife who I love very much and show her a path that leads towards recovery.


  1. Syd, you are a fine man of such substance. I am grateful to be getting to know you and to learn from you in your honesty.

  2. Well, I am a habitual cheater and also a habitual watcher of the show Cheaters. I'm not saying you want to be with someone else, but really, honesty is the best policy and its only fair to you and her to talk about how you are really feeling. You need to do whats best for you right now- talk to her, maybe she'll understand. Good luck.

  3. These kinds of things have a way of working out however they are supposed to ....don't you think? Maybe it's not always about love, maybe it's about living our life with honor. People split up all the time, but it's how we do it...that defines us. My sense of that no matter which way your life don't want to cause pain with your decisions. And that, is because you are trying to be honorable...or that's just how it seems to me.

  4. As a veteran of 3 marriages, I ought to shut my mouth, but I will say it anyway. Does anyone stay "in" love? Good marriages seem to be ones where the people truly love each other, but that ga ga stuff is done and gone. But like I said... what do I know?

  5. Syd,
    I too am a great believer in talking. Try to think about the reasons you first fell in love with her...those feelings can come can enjoy being in love again.
    It takes a lot of work..but well worth it.
    Have a great week Syd.

  6. Excellent post, as always Syd. If your higher power helps you find that clear path, can I borrow your flashlight when you're done?

    Wishing you the best...

  7. wow, all of my blog-buddies are moving AWAY from relationships, while I myself am moving towards one...

    your honesty and true feelings sre alwys so elliquently shared here.

    Thanks for being you & helping ME to stay sober, Syd.

    You're in my prayers for the path you need.

  8. i'm reading "men are from mars, women are from venus" its so interesting, we are so very different, ? nutured thinking, ? nutured values, somehow, yet thank god for spiritual principles, we can work towards unity, you are lovely. the first page talks about, how we go in to a relationship and its very loving, then we forget how different we are and try to change each other or be accepted by the other, we get disappointed when neither happens and then stop comminicating, and then the love disapears and the relationship ends... we thats what I have learned so far... Honesty, willingness, openminded and humility seem to be the same keys... well it seems that ?(from a single person just trying to understand where she kept going wrong before) am just on the first few pages...

  9. Hi Syd,

    Four years ago I was planning / plotting the end of my marriage. It didn't come to pass even though I did everything I could to destroy it...except taking that final walk out the door.

    Now my wife and I are busy planning the next stage of our life together - and I am once again realizing that we are much better off together.

    I don't know what the message in this is except perhaps no matter how hard you try to change things, your relationship will continue as it is meant to. In the meantime don't push yourself to "make it happen." (My apologies for advice-giving.)

    And now that I'm on a sponsor almost always encourages me to think about my wife - do something for her - no matter what is going on in my life. Maybe if you "act as if" you are back in love with your wife for a little while, you will find that it feels like you are back in love with her. And if it doesn't work, well what's the harm anyway?

    Hang in there.



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