Tuesday, November 27, 2007
I chaired the meeting of my home group last night. My sponsor was back in town from the holidays and another member who had recent surgery was there. I enjoy this meeting because it is small and everyone has ample time to share. We do daily readings and have an opportunity to comment on them. And the topics are generally good.
We had started the meeting and were into the topic of the meeting when another member showed up late due to a punctured tire. She wanted to talk about the tire and what happened about it. That's all okay, but she was getting a bit long-winded about it, so I suggested that we get back to the meeting topic. She jokingly said that she didn't think that I was going to be so strict about the meeting.
For some reason, I felt angry over this. I needed to be at that meeting last night and wanted to get something out of it, yet there was a lot of cross talk and other discussion that didn't relate to either the topic or dealing with alcoholism. It bothered me enough that I wanted to get up, gather my things and walk out the door. I've never felt like actually leaving a meeting before, least of all my home group.
I inventoried why I was angry and found that it related to my self-esteem being lowered by what I perceived as disregard for the topic and for me because I was chairing. It was the old stuff surfacing in which people decide to play by their own rules and not mine. So it pissed me off. It was ironic to be discussing the topic of Just for Today (that I blogged about a few days ago) and yet I was as edgy as a piece of broken glass.
I know why I was bothered and I know that I still feel some resentment but realize that quite often what I hope to get from a meeting is not the same as what someone else hopes to get out of one. And just because someone else has a different agenda, doesn't mean that it has anything to do with me. Damn, this stuff is hard sometimes.