Monday, May 19, 2008


"The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being. Our egomania digs two disastrous pitfalls. Either we insist upon dominating the people we know, or we depend upon them far too much. If we lean too heavily on people, they will sooner or later fail us, for they are human, too, and cannot possibly meet our incessant demands. In this way our insecurity grows and festers. When we habitually try to manipulate others to our own willful desires, they revolt, and resist us heavily. Then we develop hurt feelings, a sense of persecution, and a desire to retaliate. As we redouble our efforts at control, and continue to fail, our suffering becomes acute and constant. " from the AA 12 x 12

Reading this from the AA 12 x 12 makes me realize how much my character defects have affected my interactions with my alcoholic. It doesn’t work that way with others that I interact with. I can hear what they say and not feel rejection. But with my SO I seem to feel insecure and that a "no" can be negotiated.

On Friday, I asked her to go to dinner. She had just gone to a meeting. She said that she needed her time alone. I know this about her. I understand this because I need my time too. But I felt rejected and wanted to push her to go. I felt filled with self-righteous anger.

It’s like a compulsion to sabotage my program at these times. My insecurity comes through with self-pity, resentment, anger and remorse. If I lean heavily on people, they fail me because they are human and can’t meet my demands of time or love.

And when I try to manipulate others to my own willful desires, they resist. Then I get my feelings hurt. I seem to want closeness at times that don’t necessarily fit the other person’s time frame. And what helps is for me to respect the other person and their wishes.

We talked it out and let it alone. And in the end we went to dinner anyway… her suggestion. I think that the acrimony and hurt convinced us that we both needed to put our self-will on hold and accept our differences. These broaching of boundaries are a clear indication of how much I need this program.


  1. I can hear so much frustration in your post. I don't blame you but just remember that the first 2 or 3 years of my recovery (I'm the alcoholic) I was almost incapable of a solid relationship. Unfortunately my husband only lived for 14 months into my new sobriety and never reaped the benefits.
    Hang in there. It gets so much better.

  2. This desire I have to control is something that I did not expect to come up in Alanon. It is very strong for me. It's one of the biggest things I am struggling with today (and my entire life) and it is so intense that I don't want to blog about it. Time to crack open the index on my Alanon reads.

  3. it's all so very complicated ya know?! or can seem to be sometimes. i *hear* what you are saying. this guy doesn't blog anymore but i used to find good relationship stuff here: http://relationshipsinrecovery.blogspot

    have a nice evening syd!

  4. What you did was strenghten your marriage by talking and compromising.And it is a two way street. Every marriage has downs,I feel like people give up way too easily. You obviously have made a lifelong commitment, and you are educating yourself in the best way to handle a difficult(for now)relationship.
    I salute you, sailor.

  5. the fairy tale knight in shining armour, rescuing the helpless princess... how men are strong and to be relyed on to look after and protect, and how women are helpless and need protecting and guiding. aren't we inadvertently being 'taught' that throughout our childhood through stories alone? no wonder reality is so hard at times.

  6. You know I wish all the time I had a partner in this life, but it seems it is not the will of my HP.
    But it also seems complex having a relationship, maybe something I wont ever be able to work out, I like peace alone, I love my space but at times my heart aches for a nice girl to settle down with

  7. I made my website private. Send me your email address so I can send you an invite.


Let me know what you think. I like reading what you have to say.