Thursday, June 5, 2008

Adult children of alcoholics

“Alcoholism is something that affects the entire fabric of your life. Its long-reaching tendrils always find you and tightly twine themselves into your thoughts, feelings and actions. They define and color all of your life in a way that leaves you feeling like life is a constant flat tire. The air is always leaking out no matter how many times you try and patch it or replace it. Your life does not travel on a smooth road because of it, but is constantly bumping itself from side to side.

“It is not true that children ‘forget’ as they grow. If anything, those memories are vividly cemented into place for life, complete with the original feelings, fears, hate, resentments, confusion, inability to function and reason, inability to feel good about oneself, the inability to trust yourself or others, and the ability to remain invisible. It becomes a lifetime job to undo what was caused by living with an alcoholic parent and, often, the struggle to overcome it can leave you as exhausted and deflated as a flattened old tire. It takes phenomenal strength to fight your way to a healthy life, forgive the past, and grow into an adult who has finally become whole and able to extinguish the anguished voice of the child who fought to survive.” From INFP: The 64-Color Box

It's tough reading the above because I have a tendency to go back in my head to that place of confusion where the memories aren't so good. I realize how fortunate I am to have found that I don't have to have the memories cemented to me forever. I can choose to put those things in the past and move into today. And it does take a lot of strength, faith, humility and acceptance to move from the past into the present. I'm grateful that today I have:

  • a better plan than being mired in self-pity and feeling deflated and empty
  • a program that is teaching me that the past is over but today is full of wonder
  • no desire to act out my character defects that once ruled and ruined my life
  • chosen to make it a lifetime job of healing myself through the help of my HP and Al-Anon

13 comments:

  1. This post and the previous one really are knock outs!

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  2. One doesn't necessarily need alcoholic parents to have those feelings and memories.

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  3. If you think it's hard for you to read that....you ought to try reading it from the perspective of an alcoholic parent. Trying to stay positive and in the solution for 17 years while watching your children struggle...is tough my friend...very very tough. The part that helps me with this, is that I know it would be even harder for them if I was not in recovery.

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  4. HEy Syd. I feel that I've learned to live around the bad things in my past. I don't forget them, don't WANT to forget them, but they don't own me anymore. All best to you, my friend.

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  5. I have been thinking about my childhood a little more lately since discussing it with P, who knows my former-alcoholic father. Remembering the school activities that not only did he not go to, but he picked a huge fight with my mother and I was sent to school in tears. Holiday gatherings were the same way. I told P a few other things my father used to do and wondered, am I really over it? I hope I am; I think I am. My cousin warned me after his father passed away, make sure you resolve all the issues with your father. Something I will learn through the steps, I guess. Have I really put aside the past?

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  6. I will copy this for my children and email it to them. Thank you for posting this.

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  7. I guess I broke the mold on this. My side of the family had no alcoholism as far as I know; at least back through my grandparents. Then I married someone who's father was an alcoholic and I'm sure you can figure out the rest. I must say thank god for AA and Al-Anon.

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  8. You da man.
    I am grateful you write about these issues that plague so many families Syd because often people don't see they need help or know how to get help when they aren't the ones drinking but a family member is.But it is a family disease and it can haunt a lot of us for years..your sharing inspires me ...thank you..xo

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  9. This is the tough stuff. Many alcoholics cannot get sober because of this stuff... most of us were raised by alcoholics...

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  10. Thank you for sharing that. I totally relate even though neither parent was an alcoholics, our family was rife with them. And I am one. It's a sneaky disease. I am so grateful for Alanon - it is saving my sanity.

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  11. Father's Day approaches and my father was the alcoholic in my life. He was a sensitive, bright,compassionate,charming man, whom I adored. This disease ended my parent's marriage, screwed up my relationships with siblings and both parents. During the worst of it I stopped speaking to him for two years, which was hard because I was a student at the university where he taught. He had a year of recovery before he died at 58 years of age. I found Alanon 30 years later. It has unlocked memories, good and bad. The program instilled in me compassion for my parents, both dead now. It has helped me forgive myself for all the mistakes of the last 30 years. I have a younger brother who is a recovering alcoholic, 18 years sober.He is now the father of two beautiful children with an intact marriage for which he works very hard. He goes to meetings all the time. We share recovery and have become grateful for the disease. It has brought us to a place that we would not have come to otherwise. I know it sounds strange to say that, but I would not have found the tools I have found if not for alcoholism. Yes it has meant suffering and pain and loss, but who do you know who has not suffered in some way? My sadness is that my father had such a short time sober, but what an amazing year that was. I have stopped looking back with regret. I try to dig my heels into the present. I am more alive this night than at any other time in my life, because of this program. I have bad days, difficult days, wonderful days, hopeful days, but they are my days. Keep on keepin on everyone. I always say the bad news is that I am the problem, but the good news is that I am the problem. Since the only thing I can control is me, then I can fix me!

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  12. oh my, i can only say thank you for this post....

    ...i guess you should add 'inability to express yourself' there somewhere too

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  13. I am just beginning to work through the lifetime job. Being an alcholic, the memories for me were not vividly cemented but buried in cement. I've got the double whammy of not only trying to chip away at the cement of my childhood but to chip away at the cement of my children's that I poured, pun intended. And you're right it is exhausting but well worth it and I am thankful Syd that you are helping me chip away.

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Let me know what you think. I like reading what you have to say.