I went to a great meeting on Tuesday evening that really got my thoughts going round and round. The topic was about loss. Most people shared about lost relationships. And how they lost themselves in dealing with alcoholism.
As people were sharing, I thought about how I really didn't realize how much I had lost, until I found myself in this program. I was determined never to be the quitter. I stuck with my wife through some bad times, I stuck with my mother during her depressions and last years, I stuck with my job during many periods of disillusionment, and I stuck with living even when I felt like such a loser.
Many times I've wanted to give up, run away, say I don't care, and move on. Is this a flaw within me that makes me stick things out regardless? Is this my fear of change? I ask myself these questions because I heard in the meeting that people were making decisions that they had put off. They were leaving their marriage, their job, the "safe" place and striking out to get what they wanted.
This topic of loss has made me realize that I stay through thick and thin because I feel a sense of responsibility. I also don't want to hurt other people. I think that I'm still willing to sacrifice what I would like to do for what I actually need to do. These are heavy thoughts for a Thursday.
I'm going to a meeting where maybe the thoughts will get quieter in my head.