Agitations

"As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day 'Thy will be done.' "
(p. 87-8 BB)

There's been some drama with sponsees lately. One that just started with me a week ago has had the hardest go of it. He is in turmoil from living with a crack addict and finally asked her to leave. He is starting to take care of himself, although the focus hasn't shifted yet from the addict to himself.

Another sponsee is working his way out of the darkness into the light. He is doing this because the quote from the BB above has started to make sense. (Note: I use the Big Book quite a lot with sponsees. There is so much that is applicable to those of us who have bad thinking and not bad drinking).

I see in both of these men the agitation and confusion that alcoholism has brought into their lives. They have tried unsuccessfully to fight back when agitated. But this has only brought more suffering and damage to themselves. I found that agitation itself is dark. I can't sleep when agitated; I can't think clearly; I'm not spiritual--in short, I'm a mess.

I've taken something that someone has said to me and worried with it until I was beyond agitated. My mind will ask "What did they mean? What if they meant this? What should I do now?" I've projected and built up some scenarios that would likely never come true. But with my stinking thinking, I made them seem true.

But if I can just take a breath, pause, and quit re-examining some thought over and over, then I have a chance to get into the light. I can see that the light is starting to creep into the hearts and minds of these sponsees. I think when I was ready to be willing, to trust and to feel some gratitude, that's when I was able to move from the dark agitation into the light.

"When the dark is at rest,
the light begins to move."
The Secret of the Golden Flower

If I reach for dark revelations,
they're always there to find,
But too often dark protestations
defend dark recesses found only in my mind.

Yin and Yang, dark and light interdigitate
in myriad, moving complexes so real.
I reach for the light to illuminate
and hide from the dark that I feel.
Jody Hopkins