One of my sponsees made a decision last night to not continue with the steps. He has a spiritual program, practices spiritual meditation, and has a spiritual leader. He just got back from a retreat and has come away with a great sense of renewal. Now he will devote more time to his spiritual practice.
I was taken aback by his deciding to not continue. I didn't have a clue. We were working on Step Four. In Al-Anon, we work this step using the work book Blueprint for Progress. There are many chapters in this workbook, each with over 30 questions. It took me at least four months to get through it.
After he told me that he had begun to feel reluctant about continuing with working Step Four and had decided not to continue, I felt my ego take charge and immediately place blame on the process. The damn workbook is too long. There are too many questions. Maybe he's right and doing spiritual meditation is all anyone needs. These thoughts flashed through my head while a large hole began to open up in my gut.
My old friend rejection had come back and was slicing and dicing my insides. I had the presence of mouth, not mind, to tell the sponsee that it was okay for him to do what he felt he needed to continue in recovery. I didn't try to convince him to keep going with Al-Anon because I knew that there was nothing that I could say to convince him. He had made up his mind.
He gave me a CD to listen to entitled There is Nothing Wrong with You. I listened to it on the way back from the meeting. It has a lot of good stuff there. And is so far very complementary to what I've heard in Al-Anon. Listening to this CD made me realize that there are many ways to reach serenity.
I know what worked for me, and I know the steps that I took. I did what I was told by my sponsor. I was willing to go to any length. I know that there is no easier, softer way. I also recognize that the determination and yes, even the intellect of some is greater than others. I've seen people in the rooms who are brilliant, and I've seen others who aren't. Maybe a fourth step from the Big Book would not be as daunting to some as the Blueprint for Progress. Maybe one wrench doesn't fit all nuts.
The first time I did a real AA inventory (I was about 3 years sober), I was taught by an Al-anon who showed me the method from the Big Book. Go figure.
ReplyDeleteOver the years, many who have started out with me as sponsor didn't complete their 4th step. On reflection, I always learn something I could do different next time and do. Seems to be part of the process...
For a minute when you wrote that your sponsee gave you a CD titled "There's Nothing Wrong With You," your sponsee as trying to let you off the hook for him not wanting to do the steps. :p I'm goofy.
ReplyDeleteYeah, there are many ways to health. For me though, Alanon is tried and true and the very rules and structure that at first I found so burdensome, is what keeps it safe and steady. It doesn't change here and there, ever, because of someone's opinion or feeling on any particular day. For me those things mean a lot. Of course you handled that whole situation perfectly and we each need the freedom to find our own path. Blessings to you Syd for being such a good guy. :o)
ReplyDeleteSyd, I agree that each person has their own way of recovery. I never did any rehab, not even saw a drugs counsellor. And I made it through the dark times too. At the end of the day it does come down to will power and the programme that suits us best. Sounds like your sponsee has found his way and there is no need to worry about him.
ReplyDeleteK x
each person find 'their' perfect way. by the sounds of it, if this doesn't work out, he'll know where to come back to...
ReplyDeleteI guess we all have to walk our own path. I agree with Shadow though, at least if it doesn't work out, he will know where to turn.
ReplyDeleteMy whole spiritual path began when I had my first spiritual awakening as described in Step 12. But for me, Alanon is the foundation of learning on which I build with my spiritual practices. I cannot imagine choosing one or the other. For me, it has to begin with Alanon--keeps it simple for me.
ReplyDeleteSometimes you just are not ready. The 4th step seems so serious and time consuming. The first time I didn't realize that I was suppose to also look positive side of my character defects. I realize now those same defects helped me survive before the program. Growing up with a strict god I had to find a kinder gentler way. Over the years HP has shown me things about myself when I was ready. It is good you took the high road. It is hard to watch someone walk away when we know how much the steps have to offer. The seed has been planted.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the others in that he will know where to turn if his chosen path does not work out. All I pray for is that he have a happier version of the life he was living.
ReplyDeleteI guess you need to accept his decision, I have done loads of things my own way but then had to backtrack because I realised I was wrong.
ReplyDelete2009 has been a weird year where I have been tempted by the dark side but I have made it through them temptations and feel I am getting stronger now.
Its good to know u are always there syd and congrats on the award from Shadow, you do deserve it
hahahah, "maybe one wrench doesn't fit all nuts"
ReplyDeletelove that saying!
Some nuts use a lot of wrenches until we find the one which fits!
ReplyDeletemaybe the CD said to him "hey there really is nothing wrong with you so quit trying to find a cure for something you don't have"
ReplyDeleteI know some alcoholics who have stopped drinking who did not use the AA program to get there.
I don't know if the joy in their heart feels as good as the joy in my heart though.
I really like the last line. LOL
ReplyDeleteI learned early on that 12-step programs aren't for everyone. Really, just a few of us.
It's only for those who want it.
It's only for those who want it.
It's only for those who want it.
I must keep reminding myself of this.
Hi Syd,
ReplyDeletePam spoke my thoughts in this blog!
I am so very grateful TODAY to be happy, joyous, and free, and it's all because of the 12 steps of AA which we in Al-Anon practice. I, too, Ed G, was asked to study the Big Book by my Al-Anon sponsor. The first time I did my 4th step inventory, I did it with the very stringent AA outline. At that time, the Al-Anon 4th Step Inventory was not strong enough to convince me I needed to change anything. But, that book has changed drastically, and I feel is just as powerful as the Big Book 4th Step method in getting down to the nitty-gritty of my shortcomings, as well as my assets - - - which I had denied, and was required to acknowledge to help me re-gain my self esteem and self-confidence. Thanks, Syd, for publishing your experience on this situation. It was very comforting to read the other blogs and see that 'the seed is growing' in so many others (Thanks for that, Anonymous!)
Love and hugs,
Anonymous #1
Too long, yes. Felt that too... hard to get trough. I didn't make it but worked with other materials, though.
ReplyDeleteMy very first thought was, "Who wants to do all the work and self-searching the steps require?" Only the truly desperate become willing.
ReplyDeleteI know there are other routes to sanity, peace, and serenity, but I believe it is the rare person who needs AA or Al-Anon who can actually find it elsewhere.
Hopefully he will find it there and if not, he will return.
PG
Annette really echoed how I feel about AlAnon, now that I've tried a lot of other ways. I appreciate the reassuring way it is the same in all locations and sticks with the program. I love it more and more as I get deeper into it.
ReplyDeleteI used the BB with my sponsor for the 4th step. Worked out great!
Lots of great comments on a good subject. I'm a big fan of the steps but I also regard them as a human attempt to grapple with leading a spiritual life in a physical world. As such, I don't confuse them with a higher power that is, well, higher. Any human made doctrine (sp?) can become fodder for my ego, as in 'doing it the right/wrong way, getting/giving help etc'. One way I've benefited from doing 12 steps is that I can now study other spiritual practices/studies and see the similarities. I look at it through my 12 step lenses and if it jives then I can trust it.
ReplyDeleteJust know that you can only do so much for people. It is a choice he made to follow another path. I have learned that this program is not for everyone, BUT it is certainly what this alcoholic needs. You can guide them, but you cannot carry them.
ReplyDeleteLast night I shared on sponsorship. A lady came in later to say she didn't need a sponsor, all she needed was in the book. She went on to talk about how she wouldn't be told what to do and if she wanted help the book had all the answers, well most of them, because in 11 years of sobrietyshe hadn't had time to read ALL the book. It was a beginners meeting, so quite a few people there were just starting out. I don't know what they got from what either I or the lady said, that's no my responsibility. The lady left the meeting before the end. I've often said that when sponsees start to study the steps, those who don't carry it through always grind to a halt at one of two points. The end of step 3 and the end of step 8. I think it's the humility, or lack of it, that causes the problem. Sure there are lots of good stuff out there that supports the programme and I read quite a lot of it. But the the programme and it's principles are unchanging and have worked for many millions over many years. I don't think the sponsor or the literature is responsible for how the sponsee works the programme, thats entirely down to the individual. We can all learn lessons from each other, but I must remain on my guard not to let my recovery be sidetracked into some other "WAY".
ReplyDeleteThis was an interesting post for me. After attending Al-anon for several months I haven't been going lately. I've always felt that the 12 steps are closely aligned with the precepts in Buddhism. Everything in the 12 steps I've done and will always do in my Buddhist practice. To me they are the same thing. I surely don't plan on not going at all to meetings, but I feel I am continuously practicing the steps anyway. I have come to believe that there are more than a few ways to get that serenity. The key is whether you truly practice them.
ReplyDeleteEach person has to take their own path on this journey called "life".
ReplyDeleteThere are many paths and we look for the one that serves us best. Seems to me though, if there is enough pain then the 12 steps are the way to go. One can always go another route after they give all the steps a chance.
ReplyDeleteOf course we cannot plot the course of another. All we can do is be there if they want us to lead them.
I find that a combination in equal parts of therapy, Al anon - working steps and physical activity is what it takes for me to stay balanced.
ReplyDeleteI really believe that everyone has to develop their own program, their own plan that will work for them and then, make it happen as best they can with those tools that they have.
Well he had a good sponsor, so hopefully he will know where to turn if he decides to do so. Great post, and I really enjoyed the variety viewpoints presented by the commentators. I am glad that I arrived late to this one.
ReplyDeleteI think the important thing is the willingness to remain sober and continue working on their recovery by any means. I've long believed there isn't an one size fits all solution for everyone. I was lucky enough to get at least a year working with the AA program in before going deaf. The online support and just the general determination to stay sober has carried me through the last 5 years. Wonderful post dear friend! (Hugs)Indigo
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