I talked with a sponsee last night. He has separated from his wife, who is addicted to cocaine, crack and alcohol. The wife is in a local hospital's psych unit because she took a bunch of pills earlier in the week. After taking the pills, she called to tell him. And she blamed her suicide attempt on his filing for divorce. Nice.
Anyway, he is pretty much a mess and is still getting roped in by the master manipulations of the addict/alcoholic. She will call and ask to come back home. He says that he doesn't think that is a good idea. She will then say that she is going to stay clean and that her sobriety will go so much better if they get back together. He finds it hard to stay detached. Sigh.
He wants to know how I finally quit being roped in by the manipulations and repeated promises of the alcoholic. I told him that I finally was laid so low that I gave up my attempts to control or to believe that I could help her. In short, I surrendered. I knew that I was desperately sick myself and that I no longer thought that there was any hope for our relationship. I simply wanted to see if I could save myself. I wanted to live again.
He hears this but doesn't seem to be at the point yet that he is willing to work on his own insanity around the alcoholic/addict. She is still his higher power. He doesn't want to work the steps but calls me to unload when things get heavy. I told him that I found joy and a greater amount of happiness than I thought possible through working the steps. I trusted the process. I trusted my sponsor. And I learned to trust in a Higher Power.
I can only share how it worked for me. He will surrender when the pain becomes bad enough.
My heart goes out to this guy. I remember what a hard time I had forsaking my husband and my wedding vows when it was apparent that he was an alcoholic and living under a completely different set of standards. He always said he'd do better but after 3 tries and no change, I left for good. Before leaving the last time I asked him to contact me after he 'd done better by himself. He had a counselor, so knew there were many options available to him for recovery. Which didn't happen. I never stopped loving him in my heart but my life was improved by focusing on taking care of me. He died 4 years ago of alcoholism, which is sad, but it is what it is.
ReplyDeleteThe same goes for the alcoholic. I ABSOLUTELY could NOT STOP DRINKING until I surrendered. I knew this damn disease had me and I couldn't get better until I gave in and totally accepted the help that was freely given to me. What a concept. Thank God. I really hope that it works out for your sponsee.
ReplyDeleteEven as an alcoholic I want to tell him to say to her: "Being married to you makes me want to kill myself, so now we have something in common. I'm done."
ReplyDeleteProbably not the most gracious thing he could say, but hey, it's probably true, right?
I am glad he has you to talk to Syd.I tried to help my sister in law who has passed away 4 years now, even her kids could not be the tough love or the breaking point. AA when I called told me shehas to hit rock bottom. I said how many times. She drove her car drunk and ended up in no mans land, she ended up in the hospital a few times bleesing ulcers, and finally died in her sleep at the young age of 52. So sad. I hope your friend starts taking the steps. goodluck
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this story with us. I feel terrible for the guy, but I think it's great that you talked to him. Unfortunately people can only learn and change when they want to. What a world it would be if we could learn simply from listening to or watching others!
ReplyDeleteI read your blog so tenderly this morning, and I can't help for to feel for both you and your sponsee ---- also, to feel for the alcoholic in the mix. I needed to step away and acknowledge my own character defect (shortcoming if you will) - - - and recognize that this triangle was feeding on each corner: the hurt, the hurting, and the savior. I remember the days when I felt this tremendous responsibility and compulsion to point out the problems of the hurt one, and still feel compassion for the hurting alcoholic. Step 1 reminded me of my own needs - that of caring for another - for whatever reason, be it the satisfaction of seeing another express relief at the hope of getting help, or just simply allowing the process to carry away the overwhelming desire to 'cure' another's problems. I needed to admit that I did not have all the answers; therefore, I, too, like you, in Step 2 - came to believe in that Higher Power, and to also that the suffering hurting individual also had a Higher Power. It was a matter of standing back, and letting the 'crash' to the bottom happen - and put aside the guilt and feelings of responsibility I was holding on to with respect to the fact that I DID NOT CAUSE, COULD NOT CURE, NEITHER CONTROL this individual or the disease that had engulfed his psyche. Once I realized that it was okay to be strong, and detached, but still have love and compassion, and to not let all these things become compounded within each other (like putting together a cake with no leavening - it always failed), and remembered that the leavening of my own Higher Power would show through to all who cared to see - - - then the cake was perfect, and I was satisfied with my own being.
ReplyDeleteI have rambled in this message; but, somehow, your blog has touched my heart, and I only share my own experience in a similar circumstance. It is so gratifying to see the 'hurting' individual brighten up physically, emotionally, and spiritually - - - using the simple process of the Steps, and in trusting another long-timer who has 'trod the road . . .'
Bless you Syd! Keep on keeping on. It will all come out in God's time; your service to the Higher Power and to the hurting souls will keep you on top and your example will show your sponsee(s) that 'hey, look - - I survived, and so can you. This is how I did it . . ."
Hugs, Anonymous #1
Hi, Syd,
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to swing by and say 'thanks' for the wise words. It's actually exactly what my counselor said to do. She said to take all the energy and resources that I've spent taking care of others and turn it around and use it to manage my life and do those things for me.
It's taken me a long time to trust myself when 'something doesn't feel right'. Then when I did start to trust myself I still felt like I had to present it convincingly to the addict. Now, I know I don't need to get them to like it, they're not going to. It is what it is whether they like it or not.
Thanks again, Syd!
gail
It's heartbreaking, and it's insanity. This post took me back to my ex, and all the terrible misery we inflicted upon one another. He's still drinking - all my efforts went for naught.
ReplyDeleteWe can only share our experience, strength, and hope, with our sponsees, but as we know from our own recovery, that's a huge blessing to those still lost in the cycle.
yep.
ReplyDeletewhen they are sick and tired of being sick and tired
Luckily he can count on you to keep repeating the message-over and over-till he (hopefully) gets it.
ReplyDeletewow allot of memories in this came to me, reminded me. So glad that I learned to trust myself again.
ReplyDeleteWow I feel for him so badly.
ReplyDeleteI am just starting to "get" the steps and am hoping to start working through them with a sponser when I get more settled in to al-anon again.
I guess there will be a turning point for him but I don't like to think of the state he will be in when that happens.
For me it was just that one day I woke up and the thought came to me, "I DO NOT HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE" and, I don't.
ReplyDeleteWow, Syd, you really punched a lot of words out of your readers today.
ReplyDeleteAnd not a bad one in the bunch. you really do reach a lot of people. Your friend is very fortunate to have you to listen and be patient. When he is sick and tired................
it is hard and discouraging though, just a little, when they don't get it.i always wonder why did i get it and they didn't? then i remember to be grateful that i did
ReplyDeletethis is why recovery programmes are so important. for another to hear there is hope, there is a way of doing it. whether they accept this knowledge or not, is up to them. at least they know they are not alone and that it needn't be a dead-end road... for either of them.
ReplyDeleteSo few really "get it," I am glad you are there to share it.
ReplyDeleteSyd,
ReplyDeleteThe guy is lucky to have you in his corner. Have a great weekend. I hope you are feeling better.
Love,
SB
Bless his wounded heart, and your heart in recovery.
ReplyDeleteI heard something once that really helped me to see my part in trying to be "helpful" and thinking I knew which path someone else should take... "When I think I know what someone else should be doing, I am blocking them from the Sunlight of the Spirit" - Sister B.
ReplyDeleteYou described the pain so well. Pain is a great motivator for willingness. God's timing is perfect and he will hear your message when he's ready. Thank you for the reminder of the insanity. Very touching post.
He is really lucky to have you around syd
ReplyDelete