Tuesday, July 28, 2009
I feel a sense of unrest within myself today. There is an anxiety that is gnawing at me. I'm not sure where it's coming from. But I can tell that it is based in my fear of abandonment.
I went to my meeting last night. There was discussion about boundaries and expectations. Generally, I feel good after coming from a meeting. Last night, I felt concern because a member was in a lot of pain over her relationship with a family member.
When I got home, my wife and I had a nice dinner of sauteed sea scallops and steamed broccoli. I read the paper later and did my best to get the feeling of unrest out of my mind. But I kept thinking about how our lives intersect, sometimes with a great deal of happiness and sometimes with a great deal of pain.
How is it that the interactions that we have with each other and the ones that we love can bring such joy at times? And then, like the lady who shared her feelings of anguish, there is the other side to our relationships. This is the side that leaves us grieving, fearful and clinging.
I have tried for many years to hold those that I loved close to me. I tended to cling and hold on, stubbornly refusing to believe that loss would occur. I know now that I can't control or manipulate to keep things the same.
Life is flowing along every day. I may not always like how it is flowing, but I can't stem the tide. Nor is it possible for me to relive what was. Holding on and clinging to what once was is not the answer. Nor do I want to let life flow past me without venturing into the water. Even though I have moments, such as today, when I feel anxiety and something ominous, I realize that these feelings need to move through me, touch me, and eventually move past me. If I can trust that all will be okay, one way or the other, I can let go my grasp, unclench my fist and go with the flow.
That's what I'm doing today.