I feel a sense of unrest within myself today. There is an anxiety that is gnawing at me. I'm not sure where it's coming from. But I can tell that it is based in my fear of abandonment.
I went to my meeting last night. There was discussion about boundaries and expectations. Generally, I feel good after coming from a meeting. Last night, I felt concern because a member was in a lot of pain over her relationship with a family member.
When I got home, my wife and I had a nice dinner of sauteed sea scallops and steamed broccoli. I read the paper later and did my best to get the feeling of unrest out of my mind. But I kept thinking about how our lives intersect, sometimes with a great deal of happiness and sometimes with a great deal of pain.
How is it that the interactions that we have with each other and the ones that we love can bring such joy at times? And then, like the lady who shared her feelings of anguish, there is the other side to our relationships. This is the side that leaves us grieving, fearful and clinging.
I have tried for many years to hold those that I loved close to me. I tended to cling and hold on, stubbornly refusing to believe that loss would occur. I know now that I can't control or manipulate to keep things the same.
Life is flowing along every day. I may not always like how it is flowing, but I can't stem the tide. Nor is it possible for me to relive what was. Holding on and clinging to what once was is not the answer. Nor do I want to let life flow past me without venturing into the water. Even though I have moments, such as today, when I feel anxiety and something ominous, I realize that these feelings need to move through me, touch me, and eventually move past me. If I can trust that all will be okay, one way or the other, I can let go my grasp, unclench my fist and go with the flow.
That's what I'm doing today.
I really liked this post, Syd. I also have problems letting go of people when life requires it. I'm not sure why. I had a good safe childhood. Nobody left me.
ReplyDeleteWeird, huh?
In the immoral words of that great sage Sting, "Free, free, set them free."
I have days like this, and I try not to attach too much significance to them - to view them the way I would a day in which my arm was sore - I wouldn't immediately think it serious or meaningful, I'd just think it was bothering me a bit.
ReplyDeleteI have days where my soul bothers me a bit - aches a little. This too shall pass, and your serenity will reassert itself, you have good solid program.
Take extra care of yourself today, Syd.
I'm particularly sensitive to newcomer parents or oldtimer parents whose child is out there or has relapsed. That old feeling is in my stomach just like it was my kid. I can't get rid of it completely but recognizing it helps me to understand that if I didn't care, I wouldn't feel..so I choose to feel today. Am right there withya, kid.
ReplyDeleteNamaste
Wonderful post Syd. I used to be this way too. I would hold on to relationship scratching and clawing to keep in going. Now I just live and let live. I do my part and that is all I can do. Thank you for this.
ReplyDeleteI was off yesterday and spent the day watching tv. This is a sin in my book of productivity. I tried accept myself where I was, this is never easy for me. Today I am at work thinking of what I should have done. I have to let it go. For me I was out of touch with my feelings so long that now over analyze every emotion. Most people would say so what it was your day off. Maybe they would be right but....
ReplyDeleteWhat a great post, Syd. This one really spoke to me. I connected with it on so many levels so thank you for writing it and making me feel as if I'm not so alone.
ReplyDeleteit is like feeling the bottom give way. and something inside you is telling you that it will give way again. i know my daughter carries this fear with her. i carry it with wes. today i am learning to deal with the anxiety like you are and i am learning to be ok with where i am at today. great post
ReplyDeleteso sorry you are feeling this way today Syd. Usually all your posts uplift me , just as this one does. although I feel bad about your feeling down, As you have said to me many times, " this to shall pass" and I have been down way down there. I thought this might make you feel better. It does me!!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.theinterviewwithgod.com/popup-frame.html
What a wonderful post. I've been reading your posts almost daily for awhile now, but don't comment.
ReplyDeleteThis post spoke to me so much, I could have written each and every word. I am dealing with marital separation right now, and feel like I'm on a roller coaster. At times the fear of abandonment is so great I cling to the "illusion" that there is still enough there to continue the relationship. If I would only open my eyes to the reality of the situation and let go, I know I will have to move on. In the meantime, life is hell for me right now.
Changes come whether I am dealing well with them or not. Nothing remains the same. If accept this I am a peaceful gal. Sometimes I know this, sometimes I forget. Great post. It's good to know I'm not alone.jeNN
ReplyDeleteI'm in some discomfort myself. I just hope that there's another side to that - I'm pretty sure there is...
ReplyDeleteI will strive to be useful today.
Blessings and aloha...
Good post. I think that we have these times of dread and such. I do feel it more after a meeting where there's someone in crisis...a crisis similar to my own situation. That's when I need the long slow breathing and mantra of "live and let live". Thank God for the program. Thank God for you.
ReplyDeleteI myself just went through this a few days ago. It was utterly clenching. I had to pray, stay busy and still feel what it was I needed to feel. I realized I couldn't control it or contain it. Therefore, I had to live through it. I still really don't know what set me off the other day and not sure if I need to know. It would just be nice to know. :)
ReplyDeleteSyd, I am "floating and flowing" today. I 'should' be immersed in all kinds of stress, but it's just not so
ReplyDeleteThanks for verbalizing.
Sometimes I think that we get very porous and experience strong emotions that others are feeling. Ekhart Tolle talks about that. It may be just like the photo that you chose, the ripples reached you.
ReplyDeleteIt is easy to experience others pain when we have felt it and empathize. I also get caught up in what you write about here.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great post..... Keep it up...
ReplyDeletejumping into the flow instead of trying to erect barriers to control or stop it is such a painful process to go through sometimes. i'm always a bit uneasy with change, even when i know i have a loving G-d directing the flow.
ReplyDeleteHa.I can relate to this so so well Syd.I understand and thank you for sharing...I think a lot of our fears and feelings tend to be attached to how we live with ourselves now in recovery.Before it wasn't even a thought or fact.
ReplyDeleteWe now consider these personal thoughts to be a challenge-and we take them on the best we can often learning we knew we could let go of them..all along.
You are such a selfless writer.
Thank you xo
i hate it when i get days like that. but we all do. but knowing the source, the reason, the fear, means, it can't drag you under. here's wishing you a muuuuch better day today!
ReplyDeletewell i am guilty of the clinging reaction when something is moving away, but i am more often guilty of despondency and giving up too early ie; making no attempt to grasp the thing that i think i may lose. i give up before i have tried as i think it is hopeless, when it often proved not to be.
ReplyDeletegood luck with your tides of reaction. its very difficult not to believe everything our heads tell us..
One reason I called my blog Letting Go was that letting go of the past was such a challenge for me. I so desperately wanted to put things right, be able to have things work out, salvage something from the past, restore relationships, hold onto those I loved, begin again with them.
ReplyDeleteAnd often it is just not possible.
{{{{{{{{{{{Syd}}}}}}}}}}}}}
ReplyDeleteI'll be passing you in the flow today. Wave when ya see me K?
ReplyDeleteHi Syd,
ReplyDeleteYes feelings of unrest sound all too familiar, is there a point at around 5 years dry that we start going all haywire still its better than being dead which is where I would of been now if I had continued.
Holiday a week on Saturday, camping... its raining none stop here in UK hope it stops
Anyway I am sat here at work feeling dog tired after another night of washing machine head till early hours of morning
Some people shares really stick with me to, it's true though you can't cling on.
ReplyDeleteLet it go...go with the flow.
Nice post.