Wednesday, July 15, 2009

When all is well


I've learned that serenity is one of those benefits of being in recovery. But it isn't like breathing--it isn't totally involuntary. There are times when I feel peaceful, serene and all is well with me. Yet, I know that the next day I may wake up and have the old fears and anxieties churning in my gut.

At the meeting last night, a fellow who had asked me to work with him on the steps over a year ago showed up. I hadn't seen him in a year because we never actually got to have a face to face meeting to start step work because he was always busy. He would make up excuses about why we couldn't get together. I called him a few times but would receive no answer. When I finally did talk to him last year, he told me that his daughter was no longer using and all seemed to be going well. He didn't need the program any more.

Last night, he looked like a different person. I didn't recognize him at first. He had gained about 50 pounds, was anxious, desperate and hurting. He told me that things had been going so well for about a year. His daughter was working and seemed to be doing great. He had sent her some money and after that had a suspicion that she was using again. She has now gone back out, lost her job and is a mess.

He told me the ironic thing was that about a week ago before he learned of her relapse, he was cleaning out a desk draw and found his Al-Anon book. He threw it in the trash because his daughter was doing so well. Now he has come back to meetings, clawing his way to them like a drowning person does to a life ring.

I think that what this man told me is a warning that I need to remember. When things are going really well with me, I can tend to become a bit complacent. I may decide to skip a meeting or two. I may not step up to volunteer for service work. I may not be as passionate about working with sponsees.

And if I let that complacency go too far, then I'm setting myself up to lose my perspective and balance. I will think everything is rosy and wonderful when things are going smoothly. But let something happen to break my smugness, and all the resentment, fear and host of other defects will come roaring back at me like a runaway train.

I have come to realize that there are no guarantees that I will remain sane and serene because I have had peace once in a while. I need this program 24/7. I find that if I don't have any contact with the program, I tend to start sliding back into old attitudes. I start to obsess, to judge, to get smug and self righteous. I like myself better if I stay in program mode and don't get caught with my "program down".

22 comments:

  1. Syd,
    This is a very wise post. I think you are exactly right. We all get complacent when things are going well.

    Love you,

    SB

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  2. I know when things seem to go well for me I always become a little smug, but bounce back and realize, nothing is ever perfect. I am glad the guy came back, sorry about his daughter . I hope he can find help .

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  3. Complacent times for me lead to chaos.

    Great topic today Syd.

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  4. Complacency is such a dangerous thing for the addict, but it is as equally dangerous for us. It takes a while sometimes for that to hit home. Great topic Syd!

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  5. Wonderful post, Syd. I backslid after I'd been in a few years - became complacent, and stopped attending meetings. Your train analogy is the perfect description of what happened to me. Now, I know that I need program every single day to keep me sane and serene.

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  6. This is so correct, it is a choice to find our serenity in any given moment...I know that all too well, I may not be happy with it, but I know it...
    Thank you for being here, you are a peace in the world.

    G

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  7. Oh yea I left the program for many years ...and came back 2 years ago feeling like life was hopeless and I was doomed. Really the program has given me back my life. It has stretched me in ways that I couldn't even imagine. Don't want to sound like a preacher but it works for me, one day at a time.
    I think I might have thrown my book away also...

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  8. It is a life long program for sure.
    We never know when those crazy qualifiers are going to go off the deep end again!!

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  9. For sure once in the program we need to be in it for life or else like you said we find ourselves going back to bad habits and behaviours.
    Funny last line, I like it!

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  10. yeah complacency sucks.
    pride comes before a fall. very true. and very unflattering. good old ego. trips you up every !!! time. i try to remember how easy it is to drift off course and get it all horribly wrong. i hope to god i manage not to do anything too stupid. but we all make stupid and irrevocable errors, so you still might get caught out. oh well. to err is human i suppose.. you can t avoid it unfortunately.

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  11. In my experience, when things are going well is THE most dangerous time. As an alkie, drinking or not I just loved chaos, stress and strife. Give me quiet and smooth and the old brain has nothing to focus on, then one day it's, " well one wouldn't hurt, its been a long time". The trick to living sober is to balance out all the smoothness and fit that in to the highs and lows.

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  12. Makes a lot of sense. Just like all chronic conditions, you cannot quit the treatment because you don't feel the symptoms. You don't feel the symptoms because you are responding well to the treatment.

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  13. Your post reminds me why I decided to start looking for and pick a sponsor as soon as I came into Al-Anon. I knew from my AA experience that waiting to find a sponsor when the "s- -t is hitting the fan" is not a good idea. I found a sponsor who has known me now for 4 1/2 years and thank God for her. I am in a crisis right now and she was the first person I called.

    Great blog Syd,
    PG

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  14. Next time I'm at a meeting, I'll have to say 'heard on a blog' . . . being caught with my program down. That says it exactly right!

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  15. There is a reason it's one day at a time. It's a daily reminder that anything and everything can change within a day, hour, within minutes. I have those moments I've thought, I'm stronger, healthy than ever before. Just maybe...as soon as I hit the maybe my higher power kicks in and asks do you want to live today? Yeah, I want need to live another day. There are no maybe's, no guarantees. Just one day at a time. (Hugs)Indigo

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  16. Sad to hear about it. I am glad he's back. Maybe this time he will let you work with him.

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  17. I'm so glad to have found your blog. I have just browsed through a few posts, and have already received some very valuable insight. I'm looking forward to spending some more time here tomorrow going through your archives.
    Funny, 'fine' has been my standard answer for a long time too. In answer to both 'how are you' and 'how is your son'. Everything is fine, I say. If I stated how I truly felt, or how my son was actually doing, I would probably break down and scare people away.

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  18. Well said, I appreciate how you write. After a meeting tonight we talked about this very subject! Of all the years we lost or wasted by quiting Al Anon after our Alcoholic was gone! And there we are back at it. Both of us so grateful to be here now though!

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  19. i lesson i've learnt too. when i'm convinced i've got it all under control, that's when i need to be vigilant.

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  20. I remember when you first mentioned him and that he disappeared. I hope he finds the relief he is seeking.

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  21. I call that fairweather recovery.

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  22. I agree wholeheartedly with your observations in this post, and I love even more that I now recognize the spiritual movement of someone else coming into your life that reminds you not to be complacent, because if I had to depend on my own thinking and remembering... well I'm still sore from the head banging against the proverbial wall :) I was lost without a Power that moved beyond my best thinking to put people and circumstances in just the right alignment to get me to God. :)

    Very cool post! Thank you!

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