It's really late for me to be posting. But there were a few things that I needed to go over in my day as it comes to a close.
This nightly inventory is something that I have done now for quite a while. I go back over my day, what I have done, who I was with and what happened.
So here is what happened today. This morning I had discussions with a few of those people who will be assuming my projects and duties when I retire. This has been a lot tougher to deal with than I thought. For some reason it feels as if the "lots have been cast" on my career. I know that this was inevitable. Still there is a sense of sadness that after so many years of working here, I am now in a transition mode with my staff as the clock winds down towards my retirement.
I decided to clear my head and went down to the boat at noon. Even though the boat was at the dock, just having her back in the water after haul out last week feels good. Her bottom has been painted and her electrical system was checked over. I just needed to be down there and gently rocked for a couple of hours. I felt the presence of God as he enveloped me in peace.
I sat on the floor when I came home and tried to get my old dog to eat something. She had a choice of stewed chicken, some beef, salmon or cat food. She picked the cat food and ate two cans. I feel that I can sleep peacefully knowing that she has a will to live for at least another day. I know that her time is near. I'm just not ready to let her go.
I have come to terms today with compromises that I have made recently. I am willing to let go of someone who has breached my trust but yet I still hold that person close in my mind and heart. I pray for wisdom to deal with my defect that allows me to give another chance to someone who most likely isn't deserving. I am striving to grow in understanding. And to not let myself become lost in the tragic decisions of another.
I think that today was a good example of what this program has done for me: I can get through difficulties without anger and resentment; I can feel compassion and love where trust has been broken, and I can feel pain and loss but still have hope.
A beautiful post, Syd.
ReplyDeleteMy sponsor's old dog passed away this week, and I wept with her as she told me about it. When you love dogs, you know you are going to suffer, but it's so incredibly worth it, for the pleasure and joy they give to us.
i feel your sadness. retirement. your pup. some days just are not easy...
ReplyDeleteI hope one day I will be able to take care of myself and my emotions like this post describes. You truly are inspirational Syd. Cat food...funny:)
ReplyDeleteReading about your old dog kills me, but makes me learn. Our dog is our FIRST dog and he's turning 5. He's just a pup. but I know when the day comes that he doesn't eat just anything that hits the floor, that will be the day I start to mourn.
ReplyDeleteYou love that dog every minute you get. I know you will.
Everybody needs a boat in their life - some place where they can get away and rock in the presence of God. What a transitional time for you!
ReplyDeleteyou are blessed.
ReplyDeleteSyd... I feel you. I read hope in your post. I read peace, and I hear you talking about living a program in order to deal with life's stuff.
ReplyDeleteI'll keep you in my prayers... Life really is good today, it's just not always easy or fun.
thanks for sharing Syd, beautiful post.
ReplyDeleteYou're awesome Syd.
ReplyDeleteSyd, some times I sit and marvel at the new choices I've been given in a life where I seemed to have no choices at all.
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard to come by a true best friend, the genuine kind, the kind your precious is dog is.
to feel compassion and love when trust has been broken, that is where i need to be. thanks syd
ReplyDeleteThere is something about being near the water and being near dogs that are comforting to the human soul.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you got time to check your boat's bottom.
ReplyDeleteSending you love, Syd. Be gentle with yourself. I hope your old dear dog gets to feeling better.
ReplyDeleteSB
Peace. jeNN
ReplyDeleteThis quote has help recently "Today,God help me remember that during times of transition my faith and my self are being strengthened." I have this posted over my desk. Even when a change is something you want it still change. Before the program there was safety in keeping everything the same. It is difficult for me to let that go even if I know it is time to change. I love all your post.
ReplyDeleteSeems like you have a good design for living. I hope you find some comfort in all of your transitions.
ReplyDeleteBlessings and aloha...
Rocking of any kind puts me instantly at peace. Perhaps it is the subconscious mind sharing a moment with my own deceased mother. Being in womb somehow... God is good.
ReplyDeleteOh Syd, my heart aches for my beloved Jazzygirl still. We kept her ashes along with her faithful friend Boodles who died four months ahead of her. I have their pictures along side their bin until we can find an urn we love. Nothing but the best for them. Love the living heck out of your precious baby while you can. Your companion will tell you when it's time, I promise. Until, she will be in my prayers.
Letting go without anger, good for you. Sometimes it's best that way. It opens a door for God to send you a new someone to grow with.
Here's to letting the water sway your heavy heart away....
Hugs
Tammy
Reading about your dog really touched me. I am in the same boat... a 15 year old husky/shepard and I know she is on borrowed time. Getting her to eat is the hardest part... she's tired and just suffered a stroke. Some say I should have her put down but as long as she's not in pain I cannot play God.
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