Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Some thoughts late in the day
It's really late for me to be posting. But there were a few things that I needed to go over in my day as it comes to a close.
This nightly inventory is something that I have done now for quite a while. I go back over my day, what I have done, who I was with and what happened.
So here is what happened today. This morning I had discussions with a few of those people who will be assuming my projects and duties when I retire. This has been a lot tougher to deal with than I thought. For some reason it feels as if the "lots have been cast" on my career. I know that this was inevitable. Still there is a sense of sadness that after so many years of working here, I am now in a transition mode with my staff as the clock winds down towards my retirement.
I decided to clear my head and went down to the boat at noon. Even though the boat was at the dock, just having her back in the water after haul out last week feels good. Her bottom has been painted and her electrical system was checked over. I just needed to be down there and gently rocked for a couple of hours. I felt the presence of God as he enveloped me in peace.
I sat on the floor when I came home and tried to get my old dog to eat something. She had a choice of stewed chicken, some beef, salmon or cat food. She picked the cat food and ate two cans. I feel that I can sleep peacefully knowing that she has a will to live for at least another day. I know that her time is near. I'm just not ready to let her go.
I have come to terms today with compromises that I have made recently. I am willing to let go of someone who has breached my trust but yet I still hold that person close in my mind and heart. I pray for wisdom to deal with my defect that allows me to give another chance to someone who most likely isn't deserving. I am striving to grow in understanding. And to not let myself become lost in the tragic decisions of another.
I think that today was a good example of what this program has done for me: I can get through difficulties without anger and resentment; I can feel compassion and love where trust has been broken, and I can feel pain and loss but still have hope.