Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The committee at work


I have been rolling along feeling good, not F.I.N.E. but good. That is until yesterday afternoon when I started to obsess over something that happened over the weekend. I caught someone in a lie and even though the lie wasn't about anything significant, it sent me reeling back into a hurtful period of deception and secrets that happened over a month ago.

I have heard the joke in AA: "How can you tell an alcoholic is lying? His lips are moving." I don't find this joke funny. I don't find lying and secrets funny. And I find lack of trust to be not a stumbling block but a Mt. Everest that blocks the way in a relationship.

I used to think that if I explained the traumatic events of living in an alcoholic household and being in an alcoholic marriage, that people would shape up and give up their character defects for my benefit. I would make the people that I let treat me badly, that I let breach my boundaries, and that I let make me crazy into kind, caring, mature, and unselfish people. I would even practice having imaginary conversations with them, complete with their responses to some new slight that I had perceived.

In Al-Anon, I began to see that the responses that I get when I call a person on their shit isn't the one that I imagined, in fact it had no bearing at all sometimes on reality. Instead, I would generally get a response indicating that I was the one at fault, that lying and secrets didn't have to be explained to me, and that I was merely trying to control them by calling them on some behavior that was none of my business.

So yesterday when the committee in my head was talking loudly, I quietly gathered up my things, left the office, and went to my sailboat. As I walked along the dock, I stopped to talk to two fellows that I know. Both were cheerful and glad to see me. That helped to quiet the negativity running through my head. Then when I got to the boat, I pulled some lights out of the dock box and started stringing them on the boat. The snowflakes twinkled as the dusk came and the other lights that ran along the life lines made the boat seem happy. And right then, I had a talk with God and asked him to guide me into right thinking.

And just like that, the committee quieted down. The obsessing that I was doing over the character defect of another left me. And it was replaced with acceptance that people are not going to change because I want them to. The leopard will still have spots. I could then go to the meeting last night, enjoy the sharings, and go for fellowship afterward with a light heart.

I don't want to have Step One moments but am so glad when my belief in a power greater than myself can quiet the obsessive thinking and get me back on a path that is free of mountains of resentment.

25 comments:

  1. Syd, often I believe that you have your head screwed on better than anyone I know.

    You would have made also a terrific alcoholic. All of us keep trying, just like all of you.

    What a Wonderful World!

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  2. Syd, just the right words today. Thank you.

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  3. Great post, Syd. You know I've had similar experiences lately with lying, and I still find it hard to accept that lying is acceptable to some folks.
    But we can't change other people. (I repeat that to myself like a mantra.)

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  4. you know i have been dealing with someones lie as well.
    i need to leave it alone but it is a big lie and the person wants to step into service. in fact this person wants to step up as my co-editor of our regional newsletter. they claim 10 years clean and i know they do not even have 90 days.
    it is difficult because i do not want to hurt this person with the truth, by that i mean i do not want to use it as a weapon or call it out in a service meeting when they try to step up for something. my sponsor told me i need to talk to them in private and let them know what i know.

    i don't want to do that because of all the chaos it will involve, so i am leaving it alone for now and when the time is right, i will know how to say what needs to be said, in a loving and caring manner.
    sometimes i wish i could fire the committee and send them packing, but they always come back!!

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  5. I am always deeply wounded when someone lies to me and like you, my expectations always get the best of me. Thank you for your gentle reminder to pray and let it go. jeNN

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  6. 'ppreciate your post, Syd. Thank you.

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  7. First of all, I truly believe that when alcoholics get sober, really work the 12 steps, and practice the principles, they don't continue to lie every time their lips are moving. It's not perfect, of course, but it does get better.

    When I end up off-kilter because of someone else, I do well to remind myself that others don't live their lives to match my expectations. No way - :)

    Love,
    PG

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  8. I'm always wounded when people lie to me too, but I have to admit just as readily, I still do not always tell the truth face to face when I'm living in fear.

    Sometimes the truth and FEAR (fully expect appropriate response - false expectation appear real) walk hand in hand. I hate having to go back and untangle my justification for not being honest, but until I do, there is no room to judge or condemn someone else for doing what I've done so readily for years.

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  9. I am glad for you, Syd. As your friend, I wish you peace.

    The lights on the boat look lovely.

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  10. As usual Syd, you said it well. My husband and I have just been talking about how difficult it is to deal with my mother's lying.It is easier for my husband to detach from her than it is for me though. Always nice to hear it in someone else's words.

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  11. I have never understood why lying, either by outright or omission, is okay with people. I too have many a time called on God to quiet the arguements in my mind. He is after all the best judge of all things & the fairest jury I know. Hugs. Tammy

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  12. I love your post it sure rings true in my life. Negative distrustful
    voices from long ago in a not so far away land. Sometimes I have to fake it till I make it. Really just doing the footwork helps me move the spining talk often by not attaching to it and just watching it from a distance. Oh my it's just full of opportunities for growth.

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  13. Ya see Syd, this is where you are going wrong, sooooo wrong. What you need to do is follow my example that I have just posted about before reading this post of yours. Remember I am over 20 years sober so I know a lot of stuff.......maybe not the right stuff, but boy do I know some stuff.

    Glad you shared the lesson for me to learn...once again. You're a star Syd, no two ways about it.

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  14. Syd, what is F.I.N.E., anyway? I've been wondering. Not an acronym we have in this neck of the woods. Thanks for the honest sharing, by the way.
    A 'fine' example of how it works when we work it.
    "So work it 'cause you're worth it!!"
    -- Do you say that way down there?

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  15. I love what Steve said. It's not hard at all to obsess on someone else's defects of character, especially when it's a shoula-woulda-coulda-said situation. Even "normal" people do that. Thank God we have a program to work, like you did, to get us out of that stuff.

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  16. That's a rotten thing, being lied to. And you went to your boat and the water. Just reading about stringing the lights and the snowflakes gave me joy.

    Thinking about them reflecting on the water, smelling it, feeling the boat and the breeze, gave me intense joy. Thank you for that.

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  17. Boy, do I understand that committee thang. Glad you got yours adjourned for a while.

    Blessings and aloha...

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  18. i like how you work through the things that bother you...

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  19. How are you Syd? Child Lost is now called Life is about the Journey.

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  20. Tears are running down my face as I realize this is exactly what I need to do about someone who lied to me. I have completely detached (more like severed) rather than accept and forgive. Thank you for sharing this.

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  21. Yep. Sometimes it's easier than others. The committee lies there, just waiting.

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  22. It's amazing to me how often your post is exactly what I need to hear. Working on accepting that people won't change just because I want them to. But dang how I hate the feeling of betrayal when lied to!

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  23. Your post has brought me great comfort this evening. I too have imaginary conversations ( with my husband) unfortunately he always sees sense in these make believe ones.
    In reality every time I write a long thought out email to him thinking surely he'll see 'the light' I get a reply back that seems to turn the tables and I end up feeling guilty and having to justify my actions.I've had that today and so am feeling especially low and vulnerable.
    I just thought it was me. So thank you.
    I hope you feel better soon.

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  24. I am glad you found peace, and able to brush it off with the good lord's guidance..you did all the right things and shared all the right words with us.. Peace

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  25. I need to read your blog every day - you are so grounded.

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