Thursday, February 4, 2010

Sex, intimacy and recovery--random stuff

  • Have you ever noticed how the sex part of the fourth step is mostly on page 69 of the Big Book? 
  • I wonder if Bill thought about that with the publishers and said, "Hey, we are not a glum lot so let's see if we can make 'em smile." 
  • I heard a Joe and Charlie Big Book study in which they pointed out that if you get mixed up and go to page 96 expecting to learn about sex, you will have a rude awakening. Hank of Indistinct reminded me of this in his comment. 
  • The "savory seasonings" part about sex in the Big Book makes me smile: " One school would allow man no flavor for his fare and the other would have us all on a straight pepper diet."
  • Sleeping next to someone who is oozing booze from their pores isn't much fun.  Having sex with someone who is oozing booze from their pores is even less fun.
  • It takes a while to develop intimacy again after years of sleeping next to an alcoholic. But miracles do happen.
  • We have always slept together.  Even during the drinking days, I didn't sleep on the couch because I was afraid that my wife, who was a black out drinker, would fall down the steps or urinate in someplace other than the bathroom.
  • I don't mind when her hand reaches out to grab me in the night.  It used to make me turn over on my stomach and put my head under a pillow.  
  • I haven't found anyone yet, including myself, who didn't cringe a bit when the sex inventory part of Step Four was discussed.  
  • Sex is a gift from God and one of the most pleasurable gifts.  Yet, it has the capacity to make some of us unhappy and even crazy.  It's a paradox.  
  • I haven't been aware that Thirteenth Stepping occurs in Al-Anon.  Maybe I'm just naive but it appears that there isn't predatory behavior at meetings I attend. 
  • Holding hands and cuddling is an underrated dimension of real intimacy. 
  • It takes time for both parties to recover old feelings. Establishing good communication and trust is essential.  The other comes in time.


  1. So what would happen if someone was looking for advice on sex and instead of turning to page 69, they got it mixed up and turned to page 96?

  2. great list, it takes a while when both parties are in recovery to both fully understand the true meaning of intimacy.
    i would love to sleep in the same bed as my honey at night, but my arthritic back prevents it and those arthritic beds are thousands of dollars that we just don't have yet.
    still i sneak in at night for fun and go back to the living room at least once a week.
    i wish more people would blog about this stuff

  3. Just when I think I have you pegged..."Wham!" :-D

    Yep--that sex stuff is getting down to the nitty gritty. I have a much different view on this side of sanity, serenity and sobriety. It is a good thing if honored. I have seen a little 13th Stepping in our rooms...not even we are isn't often, though.


  4. Three of my favorite things.
    Very well written. I continue to be pleased with your writing skills and the honesty that flows within the sentences. Thank you.

  5. Well, I'm betting this title gets you a few blog hoppers on Google.
    I liked it when a sponsee offered that: "I'm not really looking for intimacy - I'd just like to find someone to hold me while I isolate."
    I don't know whether I appreciate your wisdom more now or if I just got older but it does make a lot of sense - now.
    Blessings and aloha...

  6. i love that the section on sex begins "Now about sex."

    those few pages are some of the most sane and helpful on a topic that caused me so much grief for so long.

    now i'm going to look up pg 96...

  7. Hey, that's a good one, that 69 thing. I seem to have seen you somewhere before, Syd: was it around an effervecsing elephant perhaps?

  8. I hadn't realized it was page 69. I've come to realize sexual intimacy sober is far more intense and wonderous than it ever was drunk. (Hugs)Indigo

  9. Oh made me laugh, smile and sigh. I loved this post..... :o)

  10. thanks, Syd. I was trying so hard NOT to think about sex tonight.

  11. I love to read stuff that you write Syd!

  12. Thanks for the topic such a taboo subject Sex
    oh yea I said it didnt I?
    There is plenty of 13 steppers in our group but they keep it to themselves for the most part..

  13. page 69 huh, heee heee heee.

    i now cannot stand the smell of booze on a person anymore. it triggers memories from my father, bad times times with hubby, just bad bad bad all round.

  14. I'm with Kim A. You threw me for a loop with this.

    I can relate to much of what you wrote. And I will never look at page 69 the same way again.

  15. I always found the act related to those numbers to be totally over-rated and difficult to concentrate on.

  16. Hi I have to be really quick. At library and they're closing...

    The computer I liked the most so far was an 11.6?" Acer 1810

    really portable and a beautiful keyboard

    Can I ask you something, do you use an I Mac/whatever they're called?... if so what model? and do they come with inbuilt DVD-writer? or do you have to use a USB-connected external DVD drive?

  17. Good thoughtful post, Syd. I love how straightforward the big book is on ALL matters involved in practicing our disease, and how it consistently suggests workable solutions for them. It is as relevant today as it was 75 years ago. How did that happen? Divine inspiration, ya think?

  18. thanks for this post Syd... some fo the items have real relevance for me

  19. Great post - I think sex is overlooked in a lot of the recovery groups I have been involved in. Your honesty was refreshing. :)

  20. I wish there were inntamacy meetings for my area. I have a newly sober husband and we are really struggling with this aspect. He felt like there was no fire in bed before due to the drinking, which of course was true at the time, but now I want a drink to even fathom the idea of sex. Help!!!!


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