I am feeling a bit like the stuffed animal in the photo. I am tired for one thing and that leads me to some places in my head where I'd rather not go. I don't feel energetic, have a headache, and know that the bug I picked up last week is still incubating in my body.
I have witnessed some unkindness this week that has made me wonder what is gained by making others feel rotten. I can go along sweeping my side of the street and then a garbage truck will go by and deposit its entire load right in front of me. Is the person in the garbage truck laughing? What pleasure is it to dump that load of garbage on another? I don't know about you but dumping on another person has never made me feel good, superior or enhanced me spiritually. It has had the opposite effect.
I know that the tools of the program tell me to let things go, not pick up a thrown gauntlet, and to keep sweeping. But I am tired today so I needed to wonder out loud here instead of listening to the voices telling me that I too am an outcast.
I know that when I am faced with angry people and criticism, I feel great anxiety. The feeling of isolation that I had as a child is still within, just waiting to bring me down. I have written here before that I fear nothing more than abandonment and have for the most part held on in relationships rather than experience the pain of feeling abandoned and rejection. These feelings of not being able to cope with abandonment stem from living in an dysfunctional environment where no one was emotionally there for me.
So where does that leave me? Today, it means that I am going to go to a noon meeting. I'm going to get plenty of rest tonight. I'm going to meet with a sponsee for an hour after work. And I'm going to keep sweeping my side of the street. The outrages, anger, selfishness, and fears of others are not mine to own. I have given those shortcomings enough of my energy this week. I don't need to know "why"? I only know that I will pick up that abandoned outcast part of me, dust it off, give it a good hug, and treat it as gently as I possibly can.