I am feeling a bit like the stuffed animal in the photo. I am tired for one thing and that leads me to some places in my head where I'd rather not go. I don't feel energetic, have a headache, and know that the bug I picked up last week is still incubating in my body. I have witnessed some unkindness this week that has made me wonder what is gained by making others feel rotten. I can go along sweeping my side of the street and then a garbage truck will go by and deposit its entire load right in front of me. Is the person in the garbage truck laughing? What pleasure is it to dump that load of garbage on another? I don't know about you but dumping on another person has never made me feel good, superior or enhanced me spiritually. It has had the opposite effect.
I know that the tools of the program tell me to let things go, not pick up a thrown gauntlet, and to keep sweeping. But I am tired today so I needed to wonder out loud here instead of listening to the voices telling me that I too am an outcast.
I know that when I am faced with angry people and criticism, I feel great anxiety. The feeling of isolation that I had as a child is still within, just waiting to bring me down. I have written here before that I fear nothing more than abandonment and have for the most part held on in relationships rather than experience the pain of feeling abandoned and rejection. These feelings of not being able to cope with abandonment stem from living in an dysfunctional environment where no one was emotionally there for me.
So where does that leave me? Today, it means that I am going to go to a noon meeting. I'm going to get plenty of rest tonight. I'm going to meet with a sponsee for an hour after work. And I'm going to keep sweeping my side of the street. The outrages, anger, selfishness, and fears of others are not mine to own. I have given those shortcomings enough of my energy this week. I don't need to know "why"? I only know that I will pick up that abandoned outcast part of me, dust it off, give it a good hug, and treat it as gently as I possibly can.
I could have written this. Doesn't it seem these feelings are almost universal among those of us in recovery? I do like your approach though. We can't let it own us. Just keep moving forward.
ReplyDelete~*
i too am too easily affect by others vibes. i've learnt how to handle it, but feel it i still do. and it sucks sometimes....
ReplyDeleteSyd,
ReplyDeleteIs the stuffed animal missing it's head? I can relate, when the change of seasons happens, my head swells like Mr. Mackey's in South Park.
There is a whole lot of rotteness in the world. I use to work in a news room, and believe me, some of the stories made me go outside the building and cry. It's hard to look for the goodness - when it's hard not to turn your eyes from the badness. When I get like that I turn off the TV, and take a walk if I can, or go to the gym. Anything to get out of my head.
I was abandoned by my birth mother, I have the same issues, so I can relate to every word you printed. I am alone, but I am not alone because I have a pet. I still hope to find my soul mate- but if I don't it's OK. And (whispers) I still sleep with a teddy bear. I highly recommend one if you don't have one. Everyone should have a teddy.
Thank you for posting this today and a wonderful tweet today as well. I 've re -tweeted it.
I have a hard time being around yelling and anger. I have learned not to let it take me to that place of not good enough. It has taken so long to learn how to let other people own their own stuff and me to be kind to myself. I know that when you are not feeling well physically it is harder to think clearly and use the tools you have learned in recovery. Hope you feel better soon.
ReplyDeleteOther people's anger is very anxiety-producing for me, even when not directed at me - those childhood fears can stay with us forever, I think.
ReplyDeleteI could relate so well to this post. Thanks for your honesty.
I can understand and have also been there as well.
ReplyDeleteI too am hitting a meeting today, my mind needs to reboot.
Sounds about right to me. Our programs give us the ability to look through what's going on, to know what we need and to trust that we'll come out on the other side. Hang in there and have a good one!
ReplyDeleteSyd, this was helpful for me to read today. I am newly sponsored in Al-anon; just started attending in December, and I love your blog. One of my big struggles in life is feeling completely stricken by cruelty, which is probably why I stay away from people and surround myself with animals! I just wanted to share a story that helped me on this subject. The Dalai Lama met a fellow monk who had been tortured by the Chinese for some months and he told the Dalai Lama that a few times in prison he was in very great danger. The Dalai Lama said, "How? What happened to you?" And he said, "I was in very great danger of hating the Chinese." This has stuck with me because it reminds me that, as horrible as people can be to us, our path is always to go on bringing what good we can to this stricken planet, to do the opposite of what cruelty would have us do--to give love where there is hatred, to give joy where there is sadness, to give kindness where there is cruelty. And that is the message of Al-anon, at least for me.....
ReplyDeleteMy son had a bear like that. It had a few days like that. We would clean it up and sew it back together, the longer he had it, the more it meant to him, and us. He's getting ready to start college in the fall, he still has the bear, it may go with him.
ReplyDeleteGreat post, meetings help, working with my sponsor helps and just being real helps, I have found that just by admitting that I don't feel great it alleviates much from me, and giving it to my higher power.
ReplyDeletei hope with rest and meditation you feel better...
I understand the feelings - all of them. As you relate, the hardest thing, and probably the most necessary part, is to not believe the lie that they are permanent. This too shall pass.
ReplyDeleteBlessings and aloha...
Syd, in a couple days I have a blog post set up which begins:
ReplyDelete"I got so tired of people asking me "Why?" Why this? Why that? Why do you? Why did you? Why did you NOT?"
There are times when being left alone is the ideal. I hope these unkindnesses are not on the blogs, but rather in another place.
With your Alanon Program, you will deal with all that garbage appropriately.
PEACE
I think I am going to start planning our 4th of July vacation just to get my head someplace warm and happy. It may never happen but looking at vacation rentals helps me. Winter needs to go...my mind needs spring!
ReplyDelete♥Namaste♥
And I am sending you a hug as well. Sounds to me like you have the situation well sorted out. You are right--these things are not yours to own. Let them lie.
ReplyDeleteLove you.
Look at all these posts, so many people saying, "Yes I know, me too." You are not alone, not by a long shot.
ReplyDeleteA friend told me once, "You are like a sponge," meaning I absorbed everything around me. That was good sometimes. Other times it was horrible. I've had to learn, too, how to shut that off. Still learning. Thanks for the reminder.
Syd,
ReplyDeleteI get affected by those around me way too often. Sometimes I can talk myself through it. Sometimes I am paralyzed. Always I know the tools of the program are available to me.....
That picture is sad - and therefore a good choice. Good for you for recognizing what you need to do to keep yourself healthy. I don't know why some people like to dump garbage, never understood that :(
ReplyDeleteA good night's sleep. A great meal. A big boundary. You'll be good as new. Put on some knee high rubber boots and walk right through the garbage. People are stressed. I've read your post long enough to know that you're not going to let the bad behavior of others get you down for long.
ReplyDeleteI know so well about abandonment. I felt abandoned when my mom passed away from cancer when I was only 18.. I told my daughter that she was lucky to still have a mom at 27 and that I wished mine would have been around longer. She told me that this was not HER problem. Ah, the sensitivity of drug addicts.... I'll never forget her saying that to me.
ReplyDeleteGet some rest. Treat yourself well. I know that whenever I am the least tired, some odd portal opens up and I can fall deeply into a hole. Just like Alice.
ReplyDeleteThis post reminds me of HALT. When I am hungry, angry, lonely, tired and I could add sick, I become more vulnerable to the darker parts of my nature and my character defects. I have to, as you say, take gentle care of myself.
ReplyDeleteHope the bug is gone soon.
PG
I have also been very sensitive to negativity, that's why I rarely watch T.V. There is much light in the world also - I try to follow that! Sleep tight!
ReplyDeleteFeel better, friend :)
ReplyDeletebtw, your comment on my blog resulted in a new post...thanks for being the inspiration!
I know how you feel. Sweep away, I think maybe we have to realize that our side of the street never can stay clean effortlessly. Rest and eat well can help.
ReplyDeleteIs it codependence? Giving away our peace of mind? It is so challenging to keep my serenity when I'm around someone so negative or sad or mean or whatever they are. I am still learning. So grateful to have Al Anon to teach me. And good bloggers like you.
ReplyDeleteI could have written that about me I too am workin gon not taking on other peoples stuff as my own. Shouting is a big thing for me and I can't handle arguments very well at all but I'm learning to cope with it
ReplyDeleteHugs
Thank you Syd One of my gifts in life is finding and showing up for Alanon. One step at a time by walking through some of my feelings and not letting them paralyze me has allowed me to learn more..
ReplyDeleteI have been there too Syd -- but most cruelty, mean or bigoted behaviour arises out of ignorance and lack of empathy. Unkindness too.
ReplyDeleteHope you have a good weekend, reconnect with what truly matters.
Syd - - - Just one comment about this blog: I looked, but could not find - - - the mention of your sponsor for some simple solace. Sponsors listen, love, empathasize, then guide by the hand - like a lost child - back on to the track.
ReplyDeleteGod's blessings to you. This, too, shall pass.
Hugs, Anonymous #1
I know this feeling and the walk I take through it with myself, and others. It's a solid walk on a solid foundation that I see here.
ReplyDeleteYour focus, as I read, is exactly what I aspire to do well, which allows me to see encouragement in every word you write through your experience.
:)
You spoke to my heart. Thank you for willingness to be honest and vulnerable. I put up so many walls, you helped me knock some down today, thanks.
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