We were failures at relationships--Part One

I went to my home group's meeting tonight and heard the story of one of the group members on her 3rd.  Al-Anon anniversary. She had a good story to tell.  And one of the things that I took away from it was how similar we were in that neither of us knew how to have a relationship with others. 

She had a good upbringing but with dysfunctional parents.  Over time, she had one failed relationship after another, mostly with alcoholics or addicts.  She had been let down by a lot of people and did her share of letting down as well.  Isn't this what we do?  We let ourselves down by accepting the behavior of the alcoholic that wasn't acceptable.  I used to believe that things would change just because I wished them to. That simply doesn't happen.  Things change when I take action for myself. 

In retrospect,  I don't think that I had much of clue about how to have a close relationship.  Instead I had a set of fantasies about how it all "should" be.  And when those unreal expectations weren't met,  I built up a lot of resentment.  In relationships with people, I either gave too much or too little. In either case, I was confused because my life and relationships weren't working.  I understood the pain of living for years with so much anger.  And I too confused hating the disease with intense feelings of dislike for the alcoholic.

I thought that I would put down some of the characteristics that I had which set me up for failing with other people in relationships and just plain living: 

1. I didn't know what a normal relationship was
2. I  judged myself and others harshly
3. I had difficulty just having fun--everything had an agenda
4. I took myself way too seriously and was overly responsible
5. I didn't like change or know how to deal with it
6. I sought approval and affirmations from others but not from myself
7. I wanted immediate gratification
8. I avoided conflict because I didn't know how to deal with it
9. I feared rejection and abandonment and would put up with a lot of stuff to avoid being rejected
10. I feared criticism and judgment of myself, but would not hesitate to criticize or judge others
11. I had a lot of misplaced loyalty

Eventually, when I had enough pain in my life, I found my way into Al-Anon.  I desperately needed balance.  I wanted to learn how to have a relationship that wasn't destructive, one that was  motivated by a true desire to give, with an underlying attitude of respect for others and for myself.  But I had to ask myself a lot of really tough questions in recovery: 

Am I giving because I want to or because I feel responsible to?
Am I feeling an obligation, guilt, shame or superior?
Am I afraid to say no?
Am I just wanting people to like me?
If I assist others, am I really enabling and thereby preventing others from facing their true responsibilities?
Am I giving because I want to and it feels right to me?

Tomorrow, I want to write about what my shortcomings did to perpetuate my failure at relating to others. And what I found to be a solution.