Today has been another long day. I finished up the series of statistics lectures, met with a sponsee, went rowing for nearly two hours, and got home after 9 PM for a late dinner. Tomorrow won't be nearly as crazy busy, and I'm grateful for that.
I have talked with my sponsor several times since his surgery. He is thankfully doing well. He has a wonderful attitude, and I will go for a visit tomorrow after the noon meeting. It will give us a chance to have a mini-meeting if he is feeling up to it.
The last few days have been a roller coaster of emotions for me. I have been happily distracted in my work from thinking about my friend's suicide that happened last week. I can't seem to shake the feeling that this woman who provided a lot of comfort to others slipped like water through our hands. There were several people who knew the depth of her depression.
And she herself had been making plans to move to an apartment, and to admit herself for ECT (e.g. "shock" treatments) before she overdosed. All of this still bothers me deeply. I can't help but think that ECT would have helped her with the depression. It certainly worked wonders for my mother who surely would have died without it. Was there something that could have been done? I keep asking myself that, realizing that it is such a moot point. The life is over. It won't be regained. I need to move on.
I know that the solution to this sadness lies in my practicing steps two and three. When I am in despair, I am not trusting that God is beside me. Sadly K. had said during her last weeks that she had lost her Higher Power and no longer believed. Some of us can regain our Higher Power by working with others, going to meetings, and reading literature. But there are those who are truly wired differently physiologically who can't seem to fight their way back to God. But I believe that God does find them in the end.
Having spent time with Hazel, her little dog, in the last few days convinced me that K.'s spirit is near. Hazel snuggled against me, licking my face, my hands and looking at me with trust. There is supposed to be a memorial service at the beach on Sunday morning. I think that going to that will help with the healing. The beach going dogs that K. so loved will be there. Hazel will be standing by, ears alert to the spiritual presence of her beloved human companion.