Thursday, July 22, 2010

What does letting go mean?

To LET GO does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
To LET GO
is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.
To LET GO
is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To LET GO
is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To LET GO
is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.
To LET GO
is not to care for, but to care about.
To LET GO
is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To LET GO
is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To LET GO
is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.
To LET GO
is not to deny, but to accept.
To LET GO
is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.|
To LET GO
is to fear less, and love more.

Letting go is hard to understand when it comes to people that we love.  At first, it seemed almost impossible to free my mind of the obsessions over what the alcoholic was doing, whether she was drinking, how she was doing in recovery.  I wanted so badly for her to get sober and be recovered.  I wanted so badly that I forgot to look at what I was doing and how insane my behavior was.

Remember the old tug of war game? Well, I was pulling as hard as I could on the rope, trying to drag her to recovery through manipulative control tactics. In the tug of war game, if I pull hard on the rope, the other person will pull hard also, trying to offset my balance or pull me over the line. This analogy isn't unlike what happens when dealing with an alcoholic. I tug hard and pull with all my might but I meet with strong resistance. The harder I pull, the more resistance I'm likely to meet until one of us goes over the line or falls down.  What I've learned is that I can't win a tug of war with the alcoholic.

So I had to do something else. And that was to let go of the rope.  The 3 A's of Al-Anon have helped me with the concept of letting go. These are Awareness, Acceptance, and Action.

I was well aware that something wasn't good in my relationship with the alcoholic. I knew that I wanted to do everything in my power to make her stop drinking. But what I was doing wasn't helping.  I eventually became aware that maybe I was the problem,  and that I was not happy with myself.  As my awareness heightened, so did my discomfort with the life I was living.

And with my heightened awareness, I was ready to accept that I had a problem. I also began to accept that my wife had a disease which I was powerless over.  I accepted that my attempts to control her alcoholism did nothing but make the problem worse.  So I came to realize that she had a right to her own recovery, the right to walk her own path, and the right to make her own choices. I learned that it was my ego that wanted to take charge and tell another to live the way I expected them to. 

Once I was able to accept that I could not fix or change another,  I was able to take action through the steps of Al-Anon.  Once I accepted that alcoholism is a disease, I no longer tried to control or cure it. Instead I began to use prayer, meditation, detachment, boundaries and self-inventory to change my own behavior.

It took me many years before I was fully aware that something was terribly wrong in the relationship, and it took me even longer to accept that the problem was alcoholism and to then get to the point where I could take action to change how I reacted to the alcoholic.  I let go by understanding that I can't fix anyone else, God can, so I'll let Him.

23 comments:

  1. Thank you for your perfect timing. My mom is loaded on her pain pills again today and I have had to really work on my internal reaction(s). This is what I needed to see.

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  2. great post syd...letting go can be so hard, because it seems so counter intuitive at times...i really ike the defnition in your first part there...

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  3. Great post on letting go -- and I love the picture too!

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  4. Wow Syd I was just reading this last night in my prayer book!

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  5. Good post Syd. I just read it after you commented on my post today. It really is a process of learning and then aquiring the knowledge to function after you let go.

    I can see where letting go without the knowledge is a sure fire method of failure within one's self and is path to collapse within.

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  6. You're right; we can't fix anyone else. Sometimes (laugh) I can't even fix myself.

    Have a great weekend.

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  7. You took your finger out of the Chinese finger torture device.

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  8. The most difficult for most of us I think is "To LET GO is not to deny, but to accept." For a long time I saw letting go as giving up. Like with my father who was still drinking every day when he passed away 24 years ago.

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  9. This was great, I have been trying to fix my son for far too long. I'm exhausted mentally from searching his room, wanting to check his arms, blocking numbers on his cell phone, going on line to see who he has been calling, texting his constantly to see where he is. I've finally reached the end of myself, where I have to let go and accept the situation. I guess that I have alot of anger towards him, I never thought that heroin would be a part of our lives and I am angry for what his addiction has done to my life. I have a hard time accepting that addiction is a disease, I mean I know that it is, but I go back and forth with it thinking that he is responsible for making these poor choices and that sometimes I just feel that saying it is a disease is an excuse for their behavior. I know I sound hard but this has been a difficult week I think he is using again and he lives in my house and watching him destroy himself watching him look depressed well it is just more than my heart can bear at time. I am seeing a counselor on Tuesday and so hoping that he will be able to help me to let go and let God. I know that trying to control sure isn't working.

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  10. I needed to read this, thank you Syd

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  11. Just what I needed to read today. My ex asked me for help - said everyone else had abandoned him. And I was feeling bad that I said no until I read this.

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  12. wow Syd...how'd you know this is exactly what I need to read today...I'm leaving your list of what letting go is..on my desktop....until it sinks into my brain...thank you for posting this. I really did need it....Have a great weekend.

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  13. This is a great read for me today. It applies with my relationship with everyone, but especially with people that I think I can change. This one I'd love to copy and paste, print and put on my bathroom mirror.

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  14. I just started alanon. I don't know how to even begin to let go but things you are saying I can relate to and make sense. I hope to get there someday.

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  15. That was a great post. Something I need to remind myself. Perfect timing for me and apparently a lot of other people! Thanks Syd.

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  16. Syd,
    the 'let go' list was amazing...

    your sharing was amazing...

    thanks,
    todd

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  17. great post. great reminder. thanks

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  18. Great list Syd. Did you write it yourself or borrow it from somewhere?

    And BRB Queen- I could have said the same thing. Mom loaded on pain pills or whatever... yup. Been there!

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  19. Thanks for this list—perfect reading for the night before a meeting—tomorrow I agreed to have morning coffee with the addict in my life, and there's no telling what kind of crazy will come out of his mouth. But I can let go, over and over again. <3

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  20. I just stumbled on your blog after having a particularly bad episode with my alcoholic mother. She has hurt me so many times that I finally had to tell her I couldn't have her in my life right now. I don't understand detachment. To not have my mother in my life is like cutting off a limb. I'm trying to understand how I can let go without cutting her out of my life. This post really helps. I'm looking forward to reading more of your blog and going to my 2nd Al-Anon meeting over the weekend. I'm also looking forward to beginning my own recovery to this awful disease.

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  21. Thanks for your post. Just sitting here, having a cry. I am always going to help my alcoholic father when he asks for constructive help. He is one of my best friends, and has always been there for me. But I am going to (try) to do it without demanding particular outcomes, in a spirit of peace, and without torturing myself.

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  22. I encourage you with continuing the Alanon meetings as well as the adult children of alcoholic meetings. It will be the best thing you could ever do for yourself. Hugs... Olivia

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