Thursday, August 19, 2010
the games toxic people play
I know that the hostility triggers something in me that makes me want to get away from the person as soon as it happens. My inventory tells me that: 1) I am frightened of the rage, 2) the rage brings up memories of my father's anger and my wife's behavior when she was drinking, 3) I am finding that the rage is detracting from my friendship with the individual, 4) I am becoming resentful of this person, and 5) I don't believe the words "I'm sorry" unless there is a change in behavior.
I don't want to take the inventory of another. I want to see the best in people. But when someone has been deliberately judgmental, mean, and spiteful, it makes me want to get as far away from them as possible. I know that there are people who are miserable and want to see others be miserable too. I am truly sorry for them. But I quite frankly don't want to be around those who spew their stuff on me or others.
The whole subject of toxic people is fairly interesting. So I decided to read more about toxic people and the effect that they can have if you let them.
Here is what I found:
* Every one has had a toxic person in their life at one time or another.
* A toxic person will continue to hurt you, until you stop allowing them to do so.
* You are powerless over the actions of the toxic person, but you can walk away from the toxic person and not allow them into your life anymore.
* Toxic people can drain your health, energy, well being and sanity. Get away from toxic people and associate with those who are positive and around whom you feel good.
* Trust your instincts. Toxic people exude the dark side of human nature. If you allow them to, they will create pain, craziness, and aggravation. If you feel sick and empty and experience negative physical feelings, then it is likely that you are in the presence of a toxic person. Once you identify someone as toxic, you can begin to eliminate them from your life.
* A person is toxic because of their own issues. It has nothing to do with you. Toxic people don't take responsibility for their own actions. They like to turn things around so that you feel bad, you feel guilty, and you feel at fault.
* The best thing you can do when dealing with a toxic person is to walk away. If you cannot walk away, then mentally walk away. Allow yourself to disengage, disassociate, and detach. Detachment is the best process to get you back into yourself.
Like my sponsor tells me, "Keep the focus on yourself". It's good advice. I have learned in Al-Anon to forgive and let go of others who do harm because they are sick in their soul. They have their issues too and in many cases they are living their life without the benefit of spirituality. I can shrug off the crazy comments that someone will make. I no longer have to buy into anyone else's stuff. They may be offering it for free but I don't have to own it.