Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Loving me

The meeting last night was good, but I have to say that it brought up some issues from my past. The topic was how to love yourself. There were a lot of people sharing about how they never had any time to love themselves or take care of themselves because they were always taking care of others. There were some people who mentioned having no money with which to take care of themselves. Someone shared that she didn't know what it meant to love herself, and if someone would just give her a set of instructions, she could follow that and understand what to do.

My thoughts were that to all outward appearances, I had taken good care of myself. I had projects, a good career, hobbies, and lots of activities that I enjoy. However, I also thought that a lot of my activities in the past were related to a need to validate myself through my accomplishments in order to get approval by others. My relationships were also those in which I molded myself to what others wanted me to be (the chameleon syndrome).  I don't really think that I knew much about myself or what I wanted.  I wasn't kind to myself but endured.  That isn't love.

Now I think that through my program, I've learned that I'm a pretty neat person and that I can enjoy being who I am. I'm also learning that criticism and angry outbursts from those that I love may have nothing to do with me. By taking my own inventory and asking whether I did anything to bring on an angry outburst, I can determine whether I need to offer an apology or just keep quiet ("Never miss an opportunity to keep my mouth shut"). What I'm finding is that I don't alway have a role to play in someone else's script. It's their issue and not mine that brings forth anger most of the time. I'm now willing to own something that I do have a part in, but no longer will I try to smooth things over when I'm not even a bit player.

I'm glad that I have this program. I have discovered that love is all around me. And that love is coming from within. I'm thankful for my meetings and the thoughts that all of you express as you progress with your own program.


  1. the line about not always being in someone elses script...pow...nice truth.

  2. I think you're pretty neat, too. You are not alone in that estimation.



  3. I have not always known how to love me but as I grow in years my maturity has shifted me to the position of take of care of me so I am able to better care for others. This has not been easy for me & I still struggle to this day at times. But, I am learning, living & loving more and more this life God has planned for me. Hugs. Tammy

  4. you may or may not know i live by another program, but in essence it is about the same when it comes to this topic. we are only responsible for ourselves, and what someone thinks about us is none of our business. i so agree with the taking inventory on what we bring to an outburst , the example you used. amen to each of our programs, and how it makes us learn that we can (and deserve) to love ourselves first. great post, syd. thank you.

  5. I think that for me there is a difference between loving an respecting myself. I have always had a lot of respect for myself but I never was kind and loving to myself. I know what I can accomplish but I don't think that warrants love. When I love myself I treat myself as if I was my own child soothing my own fears, encouraging and praising myself. Loving myself when I am just me, whether I have been productive or not is the difference. Telling myself that I am enough just as I am without needing someone else to validate me. Asking myself, what does the child inside of me need right this minute.

  6. I think my program is called Getting Older. And Trying To Be Wiser.
    I'm learning, just as we all are.

  7. Only you can make yourself feel somthing. When my sponsor revealed this to me, so much baggage fell away. I try to remember this always. It's how I choose to act rather than react. Self love is just an incredible gift, and I am so happy that you have found it....

  8. Some days I need to keep reminding myself that I'm a good person, when the alcholic is not treating me well. I'm grateful for having learned this truth in Al-Anon.

  9. Sometimes what I think is: What would I want my daughter to do? It's easy to love her. Whatever I would want for her might be my best course also.

  10. Two of the greatest gifts from my no-nonsense, tells-it-like-it-is, gut-honest, loving sponsor are a thick skin and a backbone. Sometimes I have to temper my new-to-me-strength. As usual, if left to my own devices, I'll turn a positive trait into a character defect in a heartbeat if not vigilant about my program. Thanks for sharing today, you know you are not alone. I was a chameleon too.


  11. It's a strange thing, but we have to loves ourselves for others to love us. It is very difficult to love someone who doesn't love himself or herself. There is a big difference in loving oneself and in prideful arrogance. To love self, a person is loving God, acknowledging the wonder of His creation and the blessings bestowed upon us. It doesn't mean perfection; it doesn't mean overlooking the flaws. It's fine to see the flaws and to work to correct those flaws. But it's also okay to acknowledge the good within us. In fact, it's not only okay; it's imperative.

    By the way, Syd, thanks for being YOU!

  12. angry outbursts from a freind is what happened to me just this weekend, and i took my role in the script and screamed right back.

    i am not emotionally ready to handle such things, i am working on it. i have been so heartbroken over it, self pity is the worst form of selfcenterdness. i am coming to understand my part in it and i am learning to be who i need to be, i still don't know if i can walk away from this service.

    thanks syd this was a perfect post

  13. Oh yes the chameleon syndrome...
    I find myself falling back into the role and it feels "oh so wrong".
    Learning to love who I am with acceptance and compassion lessens the lizard costume.
    It's freedom the program has given me living one day at a time.

  14. I'm with sarcastic bastard, you're a pretty neat fellow there, Mr. Syd!

  15. The journey to self-love.. the program is one way we do it. We save ourselves first, and then comes the person who pushes our buttons. I've learned here that that is the only way it works.

  16. wow Syd...
    i really benefitted from this sharing...

  17. :)
    I like the idea of not believing I'm always a second tier actor in someone elses script. In this new script I'm the main character and God is the Director, I only play the part He deals with other actors who have equal parts on stage. Each responsible for learning his own lines, and for wielding his own props and learning his own stage marks.
    Thank GOD for the instructions!


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