Monday, October 25, 2010
Pouring outside and in
I can't seem to catch up on the blogs or on the books. I guess that I will have to get used to the idea that I will get what I can done. There aren't any deadlines for me now---well, except for the self-imposed ones that I seem to make for myself. I still feel a bit uneasy about having so much free time to do what I want.
I have gone back into my work place at least for several hours a week since I left. I see a few people. But mostly I slip into the building, unlock my old office, and go in to finish a few things that were left undone. I have finally packed up all my things and moved them out. There were just a few remaining files to go through.
I am glad to see the people there when someone says hello. But I don't feel as if I belong anymore. It isn't a particularly good feeling because it reminds me of how I used to do my best to avoid people. These are old issues with me. And I will continue to address the feeling of not being wanted or appreciated. As I have written here many times before, the fear of abandonment is something that I work on every day.
Another one of my character defects that has raised its head recently has been one involving lack of trust with some members in the program. I go through these ebbs and flows when I feel really great about the people that I am around in meetings, only to be countered by a feeling of irritation and, yes, resentment towards them.
My most recent malcontent feelings were when a fellow chaired one of the Al-Anon meetings with the topic being Step One. He "rewrote" the first step saying that "we admitted we were powerless over our addicts". I realize that there are many people who come to Al-Anon because of drug addiction in a friend or relative. But I like to keep in mind that our primary purpose is to help families and friends of alcoholics. I do believe in our primary purpose and that trying to change it to focus on addicts isn't what I can relate to. The more he talked about the addicts in our lives, equating alcoholism with addiction, the less I could concentrate on the topic. I sometimes feel as if the fellowship is being diverted from that which I can relate to. But that is something that I need to reconcile within myself.
So once again there is a lot for me to work on in my recovery. Acceptance and compassion are two things that I have to be mindful of each day. This is a gentle program and not one where there are rules and regulations.
A much beloved friend in program shared with me that missing three meetings could result in dismissal from a group. I don't know where this is written, and I am glad that I have not been told that I need not show up again if I miss three meetings. That is what makes this fellowship so great. There are no rules and regulations per se. One can be gone for years and then show back up to be welcomed. Something for me to keep in mind as I negotiate the twists and turns in my daily life as well! And I already feel better for having written this. The program itself is strong and for that I am grateful.