Saturday, December 18, 2010

Love, lust and addiction

“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.” Thomas Merton

The most unusual topic came up at a meeting this week.  It was on love, lust and addiction.  It was interesting to hear the different shares on this topic.  And it made for an interesting meeting.

I have certainly been in lust.  It is filled with energy and frenzy.  I found it hard to sleep and to concentrate.  But like all those things that run on hormonal urges, eventually lust begins to wear down.  The energy flow that goes outward begins to wane and a feeling of depletion comes.  Given enough time, lust may diminish to a fond memory.  So then what's left?

For me, after the lust came the addiction.  I became addicted to the feeling of lust and wanted to keep that feeling going.  It surely must be like taking drugs and chasing the high.  I was driven by obsessive ego.  I think that both of us were chasing something that wasn't healthy.  C. was in a blurry haze of booze.  I was in a blurry haze of obsession. Both of us were in a downward spiral.

I don't know what it is about those of us affected by alcoholism, but we don't have good sense when it comes to understanding love or having a relationship.  The wounded don't really know how to love.  We simply flounder around looking for something that is so elusive.  I didn't love myself and certainly didn't have a clue about what it really meant to love another.

I am finding that the twelve steps have brought me to a point where I do love who I am.  I have allowed myself to be who I am finally, after too many years of trying to be what I thought others wanted.

I have a great love of life too.  I celebrate life and get great joy out of something each day.  Not every day is wonderful, but I try to find one small thing that might be joyful regardless.  It might just be the beauty of the trees, the sky, the birds at the feeder, a thousand things that I see every day can provide a few moments of joy.

I have learned that there is a power greater than me in this fellowship.  I have the love of my sponsor, my fellows in the program and the God of my understanding.  Human love is hardly ever unconditional--the love of a parent for a child may be the closest that it gets.  But I feel a lot of unconditional love in the fellowship and from my Higher Power.

There aren't qualifications with this kind of love.  Every day I do what I humanly can to accept others, have compassion for them, and give something back to the universe.  Lust can be found in every bar in town.  But it is empty and doesn't last.  The feeling of love is different.  It is as if I am learning to birth my soul.  That is a great gift.

18 comments:

  1. Oh Syd, this was so good for me to read today. Thank you. I am heading over to blog my own tale of obsession with those I love and their behaviors. Such wisdom you share. You are appreciated.

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  2. wow. this was a great post syd...and much needed to read it today...thanks for putting it down...

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  3. That is truly a great gift and your sharing your truth has been a great gift for others. You're a wise man.

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  4. Great post.
    Loved the quote :) not seen it before.

    Everytime i read yr posts I see the way in which u deal with control issues underpinning them. great stuff.

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  5. This was an absolutely wonderful read. I can't thank you enough Syd. I completely relate to every word. From the sickness of obsession I have evolved and recovered through the miracle of the 12 steps, and I continue to recover. I can finally be me, and I am so grateful for that. Bless you, and again, thank you.

    ~Namaste

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  6. I have felt unconditional love in the program. I've seen it there too, for others I myself was unable to love unconditionally.

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  7. Such a great post on a topic rarely spoken of. Really impacted me, thanks for thinking of putting this into words.

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  8. Wonderful words of wisdom Syd.

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  9. I think of lust as a gift, too. It is lust that introduces us to love. Sometimes, at least. I really do think this.

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  10. How right you are that lust is short lived. Of course for those seeking lust only, the excitement and newness can be brought about by changing partners often. That has never interested me but at the same time I had difficulty staying in a relationship. You refer to those of us that have been affected by alcoholism as floundering. I certainly can attest to that. You write with openness and share your feelings in your blog about important subjects. Allowing yourself to be who you are and letting go of expectations in others is in my opinion freedom. I so like it that you say human love is hardly ever unconditional. Lots of people talk about unconditional love and I pretty much think it is a fantasy.

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  11. as always my friend, yet another post I can surely relate to

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  12. Lust is a powerful topic to address, Syd. I like the way you look at it honestly, fearlessly, and see it's components for what it is. Not that I'm going to think about lust today, or maybe once it will cross my mind, but love truly is the greatest power of all.

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  13. Even with a few 24-hours, I still struggle with love in relationships with other people, but I've gotten much more comfortable with the higher-powered love in the rooms, as you said.

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  14. Thanks for dealing with this topic, so openly and with such acceptance. Lust can often evoke a lecture on morality. I have a friend who I've shared your link with. It may help her feel less alone. I sure hope so.

    When I hear of lust in regards to an extramarital dalliance, that is when the question arises, "is this the indication of another addiction?"

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  15. Is the higher power meant to be the power of the group? Or is it God? Or is it a bit of both?

    Is that co-dependency what you're talking about? I found someone who funded some of my habit, let me stay and obsessed about me. While I obsessed about heroin and lived on it. Is that co-dependency? I know that was very popular in America at one point, but I never grasped precisely what it was. And it never really took on here

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  16. I believe human love between any humans can be unconditional but that at the same time the giving of that love must necessarily be selective.

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  17. Syd,
    this was very powerful friend. from the Merton quote, to your own experiences.

    i do relate to this post very much.

    thank you and happy holidays,
    todd

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Let me know what you think. I like reading what you have to say.