Yesterday was a rough day. I went to the hospital to visit. C. was tired and irritable. There had been a number of visitors and she simply wanted to sleep. I could feel a bit of rejection coming up as I wanted her to be happy to see me. I knew that she was tired and that it isn't about me.
A few minutes ago, she called to tell me that she may be discharged. Instead of being happy, I felt a sense of dread as I came to the realization that I did not want to be a caretaker for 24/7. I know how selfish that seems and unrealistic as well. She is getting stronger every day, and the doctors want her to get up and walk. Getting out of the hospital will be good for her. I know these things, so why the feeling of dread?
At the meeting last night, we talked about letting go. In the midst of difficult times, it is important to recognize that trust and faith will carry me through. I really have nothing to fear. A disruption to the normal flow of our lives is not something that will be permanent.