Monday, August 22, 2011
It was a really nice weekend. Once again, the magic of being on the water and being surrounded by so much beauty fills me with such gratitude. These moments are the memories that are stored up for the future when things aren't going quite so well. They give me something to draw from, like a sip of water to quench thirst.
I am glad that most of the memories are still there for me to turn over in my mind. And my memory is jogged by the events that I write down in my journal which I have been keeping for years. When I first began writing, I seemed to focus on the pain in my life. There was so much unhappiness that I blamed on others. It was really unfair. I didn't look at myself and what my part was. As the years have gone by, I find a different flavor to what I write. I don't complain as much and don't blame what happened on others. There definitely is something very different in my attitude, which I attribute to having a better understanding of myself through Al-Anon. I have become more aware.
One of the greatest changes in my life now is seeing the humor in things that happen. We are easy with each other and spend a lot of time simply enjoying each others' company. We sing, dance, hug and hold each other close. I suppose after being married for a while that is a good thing. Sadly, I know that there are people who are living in terrible circumstances related to alcoholism. Their lives are like a dirge every day. What is to be gained by staying in a relationship with someone who you loathe? What is the point of being a hostile martyr? I know that I could not have continued on another week living with active alcoholism. It had beat me down to the point that I had nothing good to draw from. There were no memories that could breathe life back into the relationship.
Or so I thought. I find that I don't focus on the terrible things that happened. I think about the good times that we had camping and fishing. The love that we had for our first dog who went with us everywhere. Buying our first house and the dreams that we shared about it. All these could be picked apart to concentrate on the role that alcoholism played. But today I am preferring to focus on all those good times. And it seems that with both of us in recovery programs, there is reasonable probability of the good times that we are now experiencing being the memories that we will hold dear in the future.