Have I told you lately?

We went out to dinner with a couple that has been at the marina for a few years.    Somehow we started talking about expressing love.  My wife and I looked at each other and said that we start the day by saying that we love each other, and we end the day that way as well.

I can remember my grandmother telling me that it is important to tell those you love that you do indeed love them and to reinforce those words with actions of love.  Sadly, I don't know that people express in words or deeds their love.  The couple we were with at dinner said that they haven't said "I love you" in six years.   But they have only been married for six years!

I take a lot of life's lessons from music.  One of those songs that came into my head as we were talking was Van Morrison's "Have I Told You Lately that I Love You".  It's a beautiful song and one that reminds me to express verbally the love that I feel for someone who fills my heart with gladness.

You see, in spite of those times that weren't glad,  I still felt a huge amount of love for the person that I knew was being controlled by alcohol.  When she wasn't drinking, times were wonderful.  It was only when the disease would plant itself firmly between us that I would feel love diminishing.  I think that we are lucky that the flame didn't die out.  There were some pretty cold embers and not much spark for a long time.

Another thing that my grandmother said was not to go to bed angry.  Well,  I went to bed a lot of nights angry.  It did nothing good for me.  I would sleep little, be worn out the next day, and feel resentful and miserable.  Now, we do our best to resolve issues so that we can go to bed saying that we love one another.  I have learned that promptly admitting when I am wrong goes a long way towards getting over anger.  

I believe true intimacy with other people is borne out of self love.  I know my own understanding of love and intimacy has changed a lot since becoming a part of this recovery program. Before recovery,  I felt righteous indignation, resentment, superiority and justified distancing was something I was rightly entitled to. Thanks to recovery today I feel intimacy isn't a contest of wills but an exercise in vulnerability.  I found these two Al-Anon books helped me to understand myself and my partner:  Sexual Intimacy and the Alcoholic Relationship and the Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage.

I am glad that we don't just co-exist without love.  It might work for some people.  Or perhaps there is love, but it isn't easily expressed.  I like that we have worked on being able to re-state our love and communicate it freely. If you have love in your life, it can make up for a great many things you lack.  If you don't have it, no matter what else there is, it's not enough.

Have I Told You Lately that I love you?
Have I told you there's no one else above you?
Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness,
Ease my troubles, that's what you do.

For the morning sun in all it's glory,

Meets the day with hope and comfort too,

You fill my life with laughter, somehow you make it better,

Ease my troubles, that's what you do. ~ Van Morrison