Monday, November 7, 2011
The spiritual aspect of Al-Anon promises that my life will be transformed. I will become a mature, responsible individual with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment and wonder. I will discover that I am both worthy of love and loving. I have been mature and responsible since I was a kid because I had to be. Being worthy of love is something that has come much harder. I am glad to not believe the voices in my head that seek to sabotage love and loving.
I used to think about what my life might have been without having alcoholism be a part of it. Because I don't know anyone who has not had someone in their family who was dysfunctional in some form, I wonder whether there are any true "normies" out there. Mostly, I think that we are all messed up in some way and just trying our best to get by.
It has been a rough time once again with the in-laws. But amazingly, both have rallied and are doing better today. It is easy to develop anxiety over what is happening as the parents become more frail and sick. Tonight, after hearing shares about not hanging on to life's burdens, I felt much lighter. In fact, it felt as if I had given a lot of the anxiety over to the "light". I thought of it as the same golden light that I saw this morning and this evening as I watched the sun and moon rise and set.
I can't change the course of life's progression towards death. It is something that will come, be grieved, and released. Just knowing that I have been through the death of both my parents and survived helps me to be able to hold my wife and comfort her. I don't want to see her in pain. But I can no more take away her pain than I can change the movement of the moon and the sun. Tonight, I feel that we will be okay. She is sleeping quietly. And tomorrow is another day.