Monday, March 5, 2012

Now about sex

I don't think anything strikes more fear in the heart of those in recovery than the fourth step inventory.  In addition to the Al-Anon book Blueprint for Progress,  I also ask those I sponsor to do the AA inventory.  We write down an inventory on resentment, fear, and sexual conduct.

One of the most difficult parts of this was the sex inventory.  This isn't a topic that gets discussed much in meetings.  But it is something that needs to be discussed with a sponsor and would make for a lively discussion in a meeting. When it came to the sex inventory,  the first one I did was about all the women that I had ever had sexual relations with.  I started from the first and went through them chronologically.  I misunderstood the intent and wrote down all the details of what happened.

What I have since figured out is the sex inventory is really a relationship inventory.  It's not about putting down all the moves.  Rather it's about what my motives were:  Selfish desires,  manipulation, lust,  lies,  attempts at control, and using another.  By looking at the reasons for sex and not what was done, I was able to see a pattern of where I had been selfish, prideful and hurtful.  The sex inventory is an honest look at my attitude and actions - to put the truth down on paper and review it.

Sex is treated like any other problem.  Aside from basic biological urges,  it's not right to use sex as a means to stave off lonely feelings or to solve other problems.  I didn't get into relationships to get someone to solve financial problems, but I did have relationships hoping to find someone to chase away the feeling of not being loved.

Sexual conduct to me refers to how I treat people in an intimate relationship. Where am I selfish, self-seeking, dishonest, fearful, inconsiderate, too controlling, or too willing to accept unacceptable behavior?  Do I consider the feelings of others or just what I want?

Relationships are not one-sided.  There is give and take, compromise.  But having an intimate relationship that revolves around power and control is not healthy. Someone will be hurt emotionally.  One of the fellows I sponsor said that women give sex looking for love, and men give love looking for sex.  That's sounds like a sad commentary on having a relationship.

I think that most of us in recovery suffer from skin hunger--we want to be held, hugged, embraced, and feel close to others.  Just holding hands is one of the most sensual things.  I've learned to be a romantic and appreciate sex that is based on love.  Two bodies using each other seems pretty empty.

“Sex without love is as hollow and ridiculous as love without sex.” ~ Hunter S. Thompson

18 comments:

  1. Wow, Syd...its Monday! I also had the...ahem pleasure....of an AA inventory. It was one of the most powerful sections of what I call my initial recovery. The first, the real cleansing part, the initial. I had no idea the ways I had used sex to proove I was lovable and desirable. Unfortunately I kept having sex with people who couldnt have a conversation with me afterwards. Usually created what I felt as a deeper void, and emptiness. Power, was my most surprising find. The abuse of sex for power. As a woman it was big, but not feminist power, not making a man want you so badly power, enticing. The holding back power. It was a self test. How to create an intimate facade looking very much like care, passion, intimacy, all the while never getting close enough for the other person to know me. If I could control it, I could manage and out maneuver, no one could hurt me. But no one could love me either, including me. Character defect I no longer needed. If the universe removes your defects in the exact order they are killing you....wow this one was not a priority! I of course thought it should be! I found it to weave through everything I did. My foundations were a sham. Changed my whole me! Great topic! I hope lots of people read it and give it some real attention without shame!

    ReplyDelete
  2. It's all about relationship rather than sex, power or money. I like the ideal but rarely see it in real life..

    ReplyDelete
  3. I did the AA inventory with my first sponsor. Of course, it has a thorough sexual inventory. We had a joke together because that portion took the least amount of time for me to fill out...LOL

    ReplyDelete
  4. I have been to meetings where we talked about sex and it was mortifying.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I think you're so right. I've been married to the love of my life for going on 32 years now. Sex without love is nothing at all.

    ReplyDelete
  6. dude...strong post...and something that has becoms a larger problem bc people dont talk about it defame says much to you value of intimate relationships

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh Syd. Good for you!
    And I just have so much to say (and much of it painful) and I can't and I won't. BUT- good for you.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Such a great post Syd. I was like Lou....I have been married since I was 20 years old! Not much to tell there! LOL I love the concept of going back and *facing* all of those reasons and whys behind our actions to get to the other side of them....it takes away the power they hold over our lives. Excellent post!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Last week you didn't know what to say....then POP! sex is on your mind.
    Great post!
    First we had DFS in common-Now I just rented Rum Diary on Sunday...weird

    ReplyDelete
  10. Syd, this is so true, but we hardly ever talk about it. It would be interesting to read a woman's POV on this. I don't think it would be a lot different. This post made me think and feel sad. I wonder if I've ever gotten over my misuse of sex in my life. Thanks for writing.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Wow - - - I am having such mixed emotions at having read your sexy blog. The first was memories of 'better not get caught.' The second, and most beautiful is what you pointed out in the last paragraph - 'holding hands' - - - I found this act to be the sweetest, tenderest, most non-sexual, and then most intimate thing I ever did with another.

    I was fortunate to have been told early in recovery, that sex is really nothing to 'use' or be ashamed of. It is the MOST precious gift provided us by a Higher Power - - - to be enjoyed and not abused.

    Thanks for the wise post.

    Hugs and Hand-holding,
    Anonymous #1

    ReplyDelete
  12. Very interesting post Syd . . . And good timing for me. I don't know anything about the 12 steps other than bits I've picked up on blogs. So I didn't know this was a "step" but in my own way I think it's what I've been doing since I got clean.
    To write these memories I have to look at them closely enough to put them into words. Almost to relive them. I had never done this, or seldom even cast a backwards glance . . . Let alone looked at the "whyfores".
    Since I started I've been sorry for the way I treated good people, appalled at what I thought sex shoud be and surprised to feel how strong some of the resentment I feel towards my parents still is but can also see why I behaved/felt/thought that way. I'm glad I found out that this is recommended exercise. Thanks for a very interesting post.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I don't talk about my own recovery much because I am not sure I was actually an addict or if my friends just insisted I was...but I did go to meetings for my "problem". I was told that a the 4th Step Inventory should not shock any sponsor but mine was obviously shocked at the sex part, although she tried to hide it. As a young girl/teen/woman I didn't understand that love and sex were not the same thing so I sought "love" everywhere, all the time. It took me years to work through that...in fact I'm still not sure that I have.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Thank you for addressing this topic, Syd. I don't think its discussed enough on the blogs.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Syd, thanks for covring this one... I think most of us can relate to what you've shared here about sexual relationships. I know I have my own delightful collection of dysfunctional escapades where sex is concerned and it's good to be able to read about solutions and ways to handle these things.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Wonderful post! Thank you for sharing. Have you thought about submitting an article for the new book Intimacy in Alcholoic Relationships? I was looking at the main website and it looks like you can make online submissions.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Powerful words here. There is a new Al-anon book coming out about Intimacy in Relationships and they are looking for people to share for the book. Would you consider sharing this? www.al-anon.org/members

    ReplyDelete

Let me know what you think. I like reading what you have to say.